Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

u are not a failure, u are depressed, and depression makes us feel worthless and like we fail at everything we touch.
every time you hear your head saying negative things just know its so not true! its the depression talking, and its telling u fibs.
maybe write down what you want to say to your bf, and sit him down nice and calm like, and tell him. having it written down will keep your thoughts on the topic and will help you get your point across diplomatically.

doz your dr know that you still having very low days?
maybe a visit to him/her would be a good idea
are you on meds? if u are maybe they are not a the right dose or maybe they are not the right ones for you.
also
i found cognitive behavior therapy works very very well in combating bad brain.
it teaches you to challenge bad thoughts and to let other things go.

just know you are doing ok, you are surviving this, and it will get better, it has to, and also, you are not alone

Thanks mista, your awesome Its frustrating isn't it, you know its the depression but it still really gets you down.

Nah I haven't seen my dr in a while. I was on citalopram for 18months and I did quite well on it, it helped heaps. For near on a year I haven't really needed them but I think I'm starting to get to the stage where I might be again.

I feel crap again today. I think I need sleep. At least its a long weekend

Sorry to hear you feel like crap Haley, hope the weekend helps to brighten things up for you. Judy

Thanks bb, I'm sure I'll feel a bit more rejuvinated after the weekend.

After another day of just feeling like crap I've decided to consider going back on the anti depressents. I don't trust myself feeling like this and I don't like it, especially when theres something I can take to make myself feel better. Its such a pain in the arse. Depending how the weekend goes I'll be back on them monday, but I have a feeling a couple of days off might not help it this time.

Hi lil miss.

I hope your weekend has gone well
I hope also that you really really think about talking to your dr about going back on your meds.
It seems to me that you know deep down inside that you prolly do need to get some help.
i hope you ask for some help haley, u have been suffering far too long, i know you want to beat this on your own, and i can see you trying to figure it out for yourself, but this is a battle that needs to fought by an army of ppl. we in here are your troupes but u must go see the general (gp) and get some amo! hehe

take care haley
i hope your tuesday goes well

Thanks mista

I had an awesome weekend, just laxed, had some mates over for drinks saturday night and cleaned my house.

Your completely right about what Im trying to do, trying to get through this without going back onto the drugs. I'm so up and down, during the week feel like shit but feel fantastic on the weekends. I just feel like I have no one to turn to now. I don't want to tell my bf, I don't want him to feel its his fault (like he has in the past). And even if I do I can't tell him how I'm feeling he freaks out because of my OD almost 2yrs ago. I'm not really that close with any of my mates anymore, and I feel dumb telling them because all of a sudden they become great mates but then Im sure they get sick of hearing me whine about shit. Thats why Im glad I have here to just ramble on about stuff (like I am right now).

I don't know why Im procrastinating about going back on the pills though. I KNOW they help and I KNOW its not my fault, but I feel kinda like a failure. I thought I had finally beaten it.

heya
i know what you mean about feeling like a failure

and i know what you mean when u think you have beaten it, only to find ya havent really.

i still struggle
and i have been medicated for 3-4 years now

they way i look at it is
i want a content life
i want to be able to enjoy being alive
i want to be able to laugh when something is funny
and i dont want to be sad for no good reason and upset at random shit

so
i have to wear a medicated straight jacket
for as long as it takes
and if it takes forever
then at least i know forever will not hurt
hurting just coz you are alive is not how its ment to be

we cant change who we are
we cant make this illness just go away
its a part of us
it make us the unique ppl that we are

there are things we are wise in because of it
we have more compassion, understanding and respect because of our experience with mental illness
it actually can make us into very very wonderful ppl
i think i am rambling now lol

anyway
im trying to say
that you will know when its time
you know it now
it just taking that first step
you are not being defeated
you are not failing
you are trying to create a life worth living
and if you need piils for that
then so be it
ppl with other conditions need help too
take care
i wish you all the luck in the world

Your so right mista. I've almost been hiding away from this thread because I know what I need to do but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I notice I still have citalopram stashed everywhere in case I forget to take it, its in my handbag, my draw at work, my car glovebox, next to my bed. Despite not taking it for 11ish months.

I've been ok the past few days. Just holding out for the weekend. I swear my whole life is spent waiting for the weekend/holidays/days off work. I even find myself thinking 'I wish I could just take a sick day'. I've had a sore throat the past couple of days, I'm almost hoping for it to get worse so I don't have to go to work, thats how much I hate my job. I'm doing data entry atm which is ok-ish, at least people leave me alone. I dread people coming to be and asking me to do drawings for them, Im so afraid of fucking up, or doing it wrong, or being told off. I keep telling myself 'only 3 more yrs, and 2 of those will be with decent money' but sometimes thats not enough.

But yeah, I've actually been doing pretty well. Its Thursday, which means its Friday tomorrow. I only have 10hrs of work left this week to do. I'm going to a slumber party tomorrow night which should be fun. I've actually kept going with my new yrs resolutions, do lose weight, exercise and be healthy, and to accept invitations and hang out with friends. I haven't really felt down at all this week. However next week is typical PMS week. I still haven't gotten those evening primrose oil tablets, maybe I should get them tonight and start taking them.

My boyfriend (lets call him D) also made a comment in the weekend that made me really happy. He said I critisise myself and get jealous over other girls which is silly because he thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world and no one else compares. He said he doesn't see all the things I complain about, he just sees the most loving, beautiful, amazing, best girlfriend ever. I love that guy ♥

wow
lil miss
that is so sweet!!!
what a truely lovely thing for him to say
wow

perhaps, i am thinking,
what you could do
is ask your dr what they think you should do
maybe you don't need your meds
maybe some really good counselling would be useful
but
maybe a talk to your dr is all that you need to do
i mean we are only guessing here
a dr has a peice of paper that says they know what they are talking about lol

i hope you have a wonderful weekend

Thanks mista, he is truely awesome. I got home yesterday from work to find all my dishes done, bench clean, bed made, washing done and floor swept with a big note on the fridge saying he loves me. I'm very lucky to have him. He also makes sure I know hes there if I ever need someone to talk to. Sometimes I do, but other times I don't because I'm afraid I scare him or make him feel bad about how I feel even though its not my fault.

I think I might talk to my dr. Hes great, really helpful, 3 generations of our family see him (my nana, mum and me) and he was my dr when I was a kid. Also theres a councilling place in orewa I think which doesn't cost the earth called Rosa trust I think. I've tried to be seen by the hospitals mental health team just after I attempted suicide, but apparently I wasn't 'high risk' enough. Perhaps if I had succeded I may have been lol. I was just very lucky to have a great support network then.

I hope you have a great weekend too mista, thank you so much for replying to my posts, its great to have someone to bounce ideas off and whos so helpful

you are very welcome!

Little vent so just disregard it..

OMFG I HATE MY JOB! I'm so bored, I feel so under utilised. I'm so worried that when I finally qualify I'm going to be so useless no one else will want to hire me. My day consists of scanning drawings, changing drawing names, entering drawing details into database. Over and over and over and over again. I think I know how to enter fucking data, I've spent at least a year at this fucking company just doing that. I'm sick of getting up early, travelling an hour by car and foot to sit at my desk, do shit all, eat my lunch, to more shit all, walk and drive 45mins home almost every single bloody day. I am very thankful I have a job but ffs I'm supposed to be getting trained so that once I'm qualified I can go out and work and do engineers stuff. Thats the entire purpose of this stupid diploma.

I don't even know if I want to bother with the applied diploma anymore. It will just add extra time onto an already hated anchor. I've considered all my options and the best one is to wait it out and finish but fuck.. thats if I don't go completely insane while Im waiting!!!!!!

I'm meeting with the HR lady next week and I'll try tell her how I'm feeling. I'm not very good at it, I'm much better pretending that I enjoy what I'm doing but look where thats gotten me. I just dread getting up every morning to go to work.

Well after whining about my job for so long I've finally done something about it. I had a meeting with HR yesterday morning and a meeting with my mentor in the afternoon. I made myself be honest and not do the usual 'say what I think will make them happy'. I told HR I'm bored outta my brains and I want to do something new and interesting. She suggested I do my applied diploma (which shows evidence I have experience in different areas of engineering) because then I can move to different areas to actually get the experience.

My mentor wants me to move to another office to do draughting, or move to roading to do draughting and road design. However hes the civil support manager, and moving me to those to places isn't really benefitting, but helping the company. I told him that out of the 2 options I would rather take on transport design, but really I'm sick of draughting and I want to do something else.

Both have said that I am at the top of the list to be rotated somewhere because Im obviously bored and I've been in the same area for 2yrs (we are supposed to roatate every year or so). Dammit I just remembered I forgot to tell them about how I'm worried Im going to finish my diploma and only know how to do data entry and draw pictures. No doubt I will be meeting with them both again soon and I'll write down everything I need to say.

But, in typical not being so straight forward fashion, I'm freaking out about transferring. I have zero confidence in myself and my abilities, I even feel that I'm totally useless at draughting (despite doing it for 2yrs) because of a couple of comments some people made. And I know that the reasons for those comments were their fault (they expected me to be a mind reader) but it still gets to me. I'm worried about changing my routine, having to meet new people, being useless at whatever I'm going to do. Maybe subconsiously thats why I'm still doing boring data entry, because its easy and I know how to do it.

Like right now one of those jerks (hes a moron I hate doing drawings for him) is looking for someone to do a job, and I'm starting to panic at the thought someone will ask me to do it. Perhaps it will be good for me to go do something in some other complete other section, I can then get trained up to do it right from the start. With draughting I never really got the right training, it was all just learn as I go and I still don't know much because they won't give me the jobs because I don't know how to do them, but I don't know how to do them because no one gives me the oppitunity to learn.

Thats the problem with rotating, managers hate the fact that they have someone to train up and then they get taken to another area and get another newbie to train. I can understand how its frustrating to them and I've told people that, but its frustrating that I never get to do something new because no one wants to train me. Thats the whole point of my bloody cadetship, to get the training!! Now I'm bored and sick of it all and they are going to lose people because the whole point of the cadetship is to train people so that we stay and work for them the way that they want us to.

Well now I'm waffling.. I feel a hell of a lot better for getting it all out though. Everyone just says I should be happy and lucky for what I have here but whats the point if I hate it?

I've decided to be very proud of myself. I made a new years resolution to accept more invites and hang out with my friends more and I've succeded well. Just this week I went out to dinner with one friend, had a drink and a catch up with another, will be hanging out with another one on sunday, and perhaps a different one on saturday. I have caught up with lots of people, and from that have had more invitations. Just today I went out to lunch with 3 ladies from work who I don't really spend any time with, and I've been invited to a poker night and housewarming at one of their houses.

Its a huge change from not seeing people and being a loner. I'm so super proud for putting myself out there, making plans and sticking to them.

yay!!!!!!!! you go girl!!!!!!

I feel sick. I was looking through post secret stuff and I come across a rape thread. I was doing pretty damn well at supressing it all and now its all come back. I feel sick and horrible and yuck and just gross. God I need one hell of a hug right now

well here's a cyber hug from me at least

mebe you need some lolcats?
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/01/2005860812964181849_rs.jpg

hugs for you lil miss, big BIG BIG hugs.

Thanks guys.. its amazing how hard it hit me. I thought I was over it. I suppose its something you never sort of get over on your own?

However I did have a very lovely weekend, saw a couple of mates saturday night, and another one yesterday

*disclaimer* This may end up being a novel

So I was told yesterday I'm transferring back to my original office in Orewa. I'm in 2 minds about it. Exited for some reasons, and not so exited for others.

Pros:
Sleep more because will only have to travel 10mins to work
Can get more done around the house and with study with more time (around an hour and a half spare time)
Save at least $40-$50 a fortnight in gas
*Hopefully* new experiences and will learn new stuff
Won't *hopefully* be sitting around doing data entry all day
I prefer working in a smaller office (less than 10ppl in Orewa)

Cons:
Change.. I'm not so good with change even though I know its good
I've finally been offered some good projects where I am, however I know Orewa would have better stuff
Things might revert back to what they were like when I was there originally
I feel bad ditching my team (even though I shouldn't)
My new boss and I didn't get along so well in the past
I may not be able to work the same hours that I want, but then again I might be able to

So overall its pretty positive. I'm exited about getting extra time, not having to get up at 6.10am every morning, instead I can get up at like 7 or even later. I will be able to relax when I'm getting ready and have breakfast and a coffee at home. I might even start walking/jogging in the mornings instead of the afternoon. And I'll hopefully learn new things.

Having issues with my bf atm. Not like really bad ones, but they just involve self esteem and private life stuff so not gunna talk about it on here. It still gets to me though. I've tried talking about it but it still doesn't really work.

So, after a bit of a breakdown last night, some scary thoughts, and some very familiar feelings this morning, I am finally back on the anti depressents. Took my first half this morning. Was feeling a bit anxious etc before I took it, now I just feel relieved. So I managed a year off them, but I just can't do it anymore. Last night and this morning I just felt so upset/frustrated/usless/hopeless etc etc and I can't keep doing that to myself when I know that theres a little pill that can help.

However I don't feel like I really have anyone to turn to. I suppose if I did speak to someone they would be supportive, but if I don't feel like speaking to them in the first place, whats the point? IYKWIM. Perhaps I'll try speaking to the bf this weekend. He will be happy Im doing something to deal with the mood swings.

Shit I need a hug right now.

I'm transferring to Orewa on the 22nd of March. Glad I have organised that. I'm sad to leave my current team as they are really lovely, especially my current boss. However he's told me the door is open for me to come back when ever I want, no matter if its the following week or in the next couple of yrs.

So I had my first day at Orewa today. It was okish, didnt have much idea what I was doing and Im working under a scary guy. Felt very anxious, almost broke down crying a few times for no good reason. I think the anxiety, pms and scary man just got to me. But hopefully it will get better once I know what Im doing etc.

Am keeping up the anti depressents when I remember lol, am still taking half a night, might start taking a whole one at night.

Am looking forward to the next couple of weekends, it my birthday saturday so having a party at dps brothers house (hes got a great huge outdoor bbq area we can use), then of course easter weekend, 4 days off and dp has the whole weekend off too! We don't get to spend too much time together so it will be nice.

Well I have been doing great! Still on the half a anti depressent a night, dunno if its doing anything but Im too afraid to stop them lol. Work is going fantastic in Orewa, things at home are going great, I got my bonus last week so I can buy myself much needed clothes. I had a really awesome birthday too