Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

Its great to have a little area I can put my name on and use it as my venting/whining/happy stuff thread.

Currently Im in Hamilton on course. I should be doing assignments, but will do them after I get this out. Im in bed, having a glass of red and a peice of dark choc.

I did a very bad thing last night. So bad Im not even going to say what I did. But god it was a horrible thing and I regret it and feel so horrible and bad and just.. gross. I want to get it out, but I can't. I need to keep it inside and it will eat away at me but it is my fault. I feel so guilty. And confused.

I miss my cat. I want to sit down and talk to her and tell her stuff, I didnt realise how much I confide in her. And Phyllis, I wanna go for a ride and talk to her. Its so nice to confide in animals that I know cant tell my secrets.

Its funny, Im almost cured of this crazy depression. Then maybe something will just dump me on my arse, and its my own fault. But all in all I dont.. I dont know what I was about to say. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. For no reason, just to do it. Do you know what else is funny? I just want to feel wanted. Like I know I am, but I just want to feel it. I have such low self esteem and I hate it. I think Im bigger than I really am, but then I think that Im a normal size, but then Im not sure about that because I think Im blurring it again and Im actually big. Haha, ya know what else? I can't really believe compliments. From guys anyways. I think that they only say these things for sex. And then Im pissed off cos its just for sex, but then Im kinda insulted because when my bf gives me compliments, because he doesnt want to sleep with me. In fact sometimes I wonder whether he even finds me attractive. But he claims he does.

Anyways Im just babbling. Im good at it. Good thing no one has to read this. God right now all I want is a big cuddle, someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be ok. But is it?

Cool to see you started a journal

Its quite often been pointed out to me that I do things self destructive, and usually when things are going right. I don't really understand the psychology of it. Do we perhaps think we are not good enough for a problem free life? Or do we perhaps get bored of being miserable, and do self destructive things just to add drama to our lives?

I'm not sure but its interesting to think about.

Hi Haley,

Havnt seen you in a while, so i do hope you still pop in here from time to time.

Im a bit out of the loop when it comes to uni and exam times and what not but i hope everything is going well and you are getting your assignments, exam prep etc all sorted thats why your not in here every day like me.

Let us know how you are getting on, i hope that rough time you wrote about has passed and sorted itself out (yeah right wishful thinking huh) but i hope things are going good. I do have an apology to make. I bought something from Tupperware, a potatoe peeler that cost a fortune and i still havnt even unwrapped it! LOL! Damn i could have bought off you if i had of read the brochure properly!

Anyhow just letting you know we miss you but im hoping no news is good news but we still like news

HOpe you dont mind me posting in your journal section!

Catch you soon!

I hate my weight and I hate my low self esteem.

Its like Im obsessed with how I look. I hate it. I feel guilty after Iv eaten something. But I dont feel that I have the right to whine about it because I dont think I do enough. I look at my diet and exercise and I do what I can. I don't eat unhealthy, I pretty much live on unproccessed foods, fruit, vege, meat, eggs and dairy. I exercise when I can, at the moment thats around 4 times a week. Yea I slip up, but not to the point where Im binging on lollies, chocolate, and I dont eat chips.

I wish I could feel more attractive. In this world I feel like everyone is obsessed with eating healthy and being slim, everywhere I look there is people thinner and more attractive that me and it makes me feel like crap. I dont care if this is a stupid thing to write about, its my journal.

Im back on the happy pills. After about a week of unexplained bawling my eyes out every night, and at random things Iv decided Iv had enough. I will get better, just having a relapse for a while

Hi LMH

How ya going today

hey lmh thinking of ya

Hey thanks mylife, I needed that this morning..

Im so sick of this stupid crap! I think shit is sorted in my life, things are going great and Im coping.. but turns out not really. I thought I had gotten rid of this stupid depression but it loves coming back when I least expect it. Its like it never went, it was just dorment. Im sitting at work about to bawl my eyes out at the smallest thing for no real reason. I just wanna quit. At the moment in my life I just really have that 'who cares' attitude, like no one really cares about me. The suicidal thoughts are back.

The rational side of me is saying 'calm down, your fine, your over reacting, your just overtired and need sleep' but its like that side and my emotions are having a full on war and I cant be bothered. Today, of all days, when Im the most run down, everything just turns to shit. Shit that wouldnt bother me any other day is happening, all today, all this morning, when I just dont need it and dont feel like I can handle it.

I just want to go home, curl up in my bed with Bella and know that everything will be ok, that shit will sort itself out, or wait for a day that I can deal with it. At the moment I have no one that understands me, they all side with the rational side and think Im over reacting. I might be but I dont give a fuck because inside my head it hurts and its like an overload.

Just gotta make it thru the day without breaking down crying...

Hi haley, so sorry you feel 'back in the deep black hole' ... sometimes ordinary things can seem sooooo overwhelmiing ... then it's time to .... use some slogans (and go into the rest room at work and let the tears out - just a release of tension)

Slogans:

Keep it simple
easy does it
one day at a time (or one hour)
how important is it
is it worth dying for!

hope this helps - hugs - Daze

Hey LMH.

Good to hear from you again, I always miss your posts... whether they are good or bad...

Hey re the black hole, I am really pleased that you are being rational about this..telling your self you will be ok, just that you need some sleep, and are over tired. I can relate to that. Have you let your doctor know the meds are working?

What about a walk on this lovely sunny day? Perhaps that might help clear the cobwebs for a while. ...

Take your time, young lady, and be good to yourself. you are a really great person (and bright too, I would have never figured out how to post pictures/avatar's if it weren't for you)
Please keep logging on so I know you are ok, as I do care.

Thanks guys, I made it through the day, got to my car and shed a few tears. Then got home and had a really lovely night relaxing.

I stood up for myself in the weekend, and let someone know that they cant just walk over me. This girl I used to flat with was my best friend, we had known each other since college. We did EVERYTHING together, and I always went with what she wanted to to because back then, I didnt have much of a backbone and it was before I realised I was depressed. When I found out I was, within 2wks of that when I needed my friends the most, she told me that we should stop hanging out. I have lots of other things she has done to let me down, but that was definitly one of the worst, considering I had been there for her through thick and thin, and I was the one person that knew her better than anyone else, even herself sometimes. Anyways, we had started talking again and sorting things out, she apologised for being a total bitch, and I told her a few things about herself, like she should stop being selfish and looking out for just herself, when she had other friends that had been there as I had, and never got the kind of support in return. This was late last year, and we had kept in touch a bit, and I last saw her at a hens night the day before my birthday. Unfortunatly she couldnt come to my 21st, so I organised a 2nd one just for her and another friend. She never got back to me about it, and I tried for about a month to get hold of her thru every way possible before I gave up. Then last week I heard from her, and she acted like nothing had happened. I was really gutted that she hadn't even taken the time to get back to me about my 21st, or any msg I had left her, or even attempted to contact me. I saw her on saturday night at a mutual friends 21st, and she come up to me like nothing had happened. I told her that I wasn't impressed with the way that she had acted, and hadn't bothered contacting me despite me trying, I know she got the emails, messages, txts. I told her that I didnt deserve that, and its stink to just ignore someone for months and then expect them to just be fine and happy and pretend nothing happened. She walked away, and txt me the next morning saying that she didnt deserve what I said to her and shes sorry if she had upset me. I txt her back and said Im sorry you feel that way, but I didnt deserve the way that you treated me and you did upset me.

The thing is Im not the only person shes done it to. She just ditched a whole lot of people for a new group, without even caring, then expects no one will mind when she comes back to be besties again. I DONT deserve to be treated like that, and she is one person that I wont let her. Im also one of the only people that will tell her that straight up, mainly because Im sick of the way she treats other people. Some people just don't have any respect, or care about how other people will feel about their actions. So thats my little story.

Also bf found a couple of notes I had left on my ipod. It was during exam time and I was stressed and mad at him and the world and everything. It was just writing down everything in my head to try and get it out, it was basically just saying how useless I am and how the world would be a better place without me - nonsense things that I didnt really mean. At first he was kinda mad that I hadnt told him, then he was upset. As horrible as it was for him to see that kinda thing, it was good. He told me that hes afraid to find me at home after ODing again, and he doesnt want to lose me. He said that if I feel like that again he wants me to talk to him. It kinda gave him a bit of insight of what is going through my head at times. And yesterday I hadn't seen him so caring and.. nice i suppose, in a while.

Also we're getting another kitten soon, to keep Bella company, so thats exiting!!

yay re the kitten, and yay re the caring boyfriend. you need good support and it sounds like he will give it to you.

keep your chin up hayley and carry on posting ay?

YOUR SO FUCKING SKINNY YOU DONT NEED TO TAKE PILLS TO KILL FAT, YOUR A FUCKING MODEL YOU HAVE PEOPLE WANTING TO ACTUALLY TAKE PICS OF YOU STOP COMPLAING YOUR FAT I WEIGH OVER 10KGS MORE THAN YOU IM SICK OF HEARING IT I TRY TO TELL YOU NICELY HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL IT HURTS LIKE FUCK TO KNOW THAT IM DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE IN MY POWER TO LOSE WEIGHT YET YOU EAT FAST FOOD AND DRINK BOOZE ALL THE TIME AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT. YES YOU DONT HAVE A JOB YOU HAVE TIME TO GO EXERCISE, SOME OF US DONT HAVE A BF SUPPORTING US. YOU HAVE THE PERFECT BODY STOP WHINING!!!!!!!!

Sorry guys, its just so frustrating.. gets me down every single fucking time.. I work my arse off to try and lose weight, fitting it in when I can.. she doesnt know how lucky she is to have time to go for 2hr walks, and go to the gym and eat crappy food. Its just not fair. Atm I rush home from work to try get some exercise in b4 making dinner, and by the time I eat it its time for bed. It just makes me feel like crap, if shes fat, then what the fuck am I? Rediculously obese? I hate how I obsess over it so much, even if I lose weight its not enough, I want to be thinner.. I yoyo over a few kgs and I just cant seem to break it, and then I just feel like a failure. God Im pathetic, sitting here crying about my weight.. who fucking cares right?

I would suggest your friend has some security issues over what she looks like if she says she is fat, and she is not.

Really, the image of ones self is just that. An image. We are always to harsh on ourselves and I wonder if that is the case here.

please don't be so hard on yourself Haley, I am sure you look fantastic!!

Thanks mylife, I think she does, and it doesnt help me who also has security issues.

Im finally faced with the reality that Phyllis is for sale. Someone is coming to look at her on Sunday, and no doubt they will want her - she is one of those 'first to see will buy' horses. Even if they dont, how much time do I really have. Shes not my horse. I've been offered her friend, Boo to ride but I don't want her cos shes nuts, and bucks, and I don't need to come off and dislocate my shoulder again. Yea I will probably find another horse to lease soon, but still. Its like every good horse I get I lose. My parents sold my horse Tonto without telling me, then the next weekend my pony Bob was PTS. My mare Witch had to be pts due to a stupid injury and Tony had to be pts to a leg injury also. In fact I sometimes consider giving up just because it hurts everytime I lose a good one to something I have no control over.

I think this depression is coming back. I've cried almost every day this week just over little things, just like I used to. I just feel like shit. I feel like I need to just get away from things for a while, like I need a holiday. Yet again things arent bad in my life, it just feels like they are and Im focusing on the negatives which is so much easier to do when your down. At least the suicidal thoughts which usually are rather promident aren't so much there. I think that it may have something to do with things at home with my partner going well.

I feel like Im losing my friends. I've never found it hard to be mates with people, but I get unsure about becoming friends with them. Especially at the moment, they have their own problems and own lives to deal with, why would they want to worry about me? I know thats the depression talking yet its over powering the logic at the moment, and I need to stop that. I think I will start again on the pills, properly this time, and stick with them.

But hey I had a good run right? 6 months without feeling like complete and utter shit

awww... you'll be ok,

I have been there done that , and get pretty bloody sick of it myself..such self doubt is very soul destroying, and it stops you from being you.

please believe me when I say your friends (or at least some of them) will care what happens - if they don't then they were not friends to begin with.

Just remember that,

I haven't been around much lately, I lurk sometimes, but I haven't really felt the need to add anything.

Today has just been such an effort though, and its only 9am. I'm so sick of my job, I dread mondays and mornings that I have to go to work and I count down the hours till I can leave. I can't wait until the weekend, its the only thing that gets me through. Some of you might just say leave, but I can't do that. I'm almost through the diploma they are paying for, and Im bonded for 2yrs after that and if I leave I have to pay it all back. I'm determined to finish this diploma, as I have had comments that I cant do it. I've tried to get transfered to another section but there is no work around. I'm sick of travelling 2hrs a day to and from work. I hate that I feel so useless and I have no motivation to get stuff done here. I would rather just sit and do data entry than draw things. I act like I really enjoy it, I make that I really want draughting jobs and people think Im really enthusiastic about my job, but on the inside Im just waiting for that day to end so I can go home.

I feel like Im so busy at the moment, I have to schedule in time to relax. I always have something that needs to be done, like cleaning, or cooking, or assignments, or going to visit someone. I can't relax properly until everything that needs to be done is done. I've told bf this and he helps a little bit but not as much as he could or should. I'm sick of nagging him about doing stuff and I've told him that. He knows how much I hate my job and how overwhelmed I am at the moment with everything.

I'm not even really enjoying my riding as much as I should anymore. The owners of the forest behind the farm have locked all the gates so we can't ride in there anymore, which I think is stupid because no one else uses it and we don't do any damage. So my rides are getting repeditive and boring. I do still love it and it puts me in a good mood, but still.

I feel like I need a holiday away from stuff. Unfortunatly bf is working all over summer and doesn't want to take holidays cos he wants and needs the money. We also don't have any money to go away, even for a mega cheap holiday.

I just feel like Im on the go all the time, there is always something and Im sick of it.

Just having a vent.. feel free to ignore..

GRRRR a couple of yrs ago I swapped my bed with a mate cos my bed (a king or super king, it was massive) was too big for the flat I was moving into. This was all well and good, and a year later I swapped the double I had with her for a queen she also had. So now she has my king and I have her queen. I just txt her to ask if we could swap back again cos Id like the king and SHE SOLD IT!!! Im so furious, apparently the mattress was f***ed so they sold the whole bed on trademe for $50 and brought a new one. If I had known I would have taken the base back and just got a new mattress!!! GRRRRRRR.. Im just so so mad, I think thats so inconsiderate, we had agreed to swap back if I had ever wanted to and I want to and its gone. She said I can sell that one if I want, well thanks for your blessing, fuck thats so kind of you. I don't get super angry often but I am seriously fuming

I have good news for once I'm finally down to a size 12, something I haven't been for a couple of yrs. Im also losing cms which is nice, and I never grow tired of people telling me how good I look and how much weight I've lost - despite the scales not saying so much.

Some how, I don't know how, but Im having no depression problems lately either. Its rather nice to tell you the truth. I feel control of things at the moment. Its just work thats horrible, but Im doing 4day weeks, and that one day in the middle of the week that I take off is a life saver. But apparently its time for me to rotate to another area, so hopefully I'll do something I actually enjoy.

Sending many hugs to those who need them, since I have so many to give at the moment

Oh and I came off Phyllis again yesterday, the tart bucked me off as I was cantering up the hill, I leaned forward for one second and she tossed me!! So today I have a very sore hip/leg/back, and sore shoulder!

Hey Haley! Long time no talk That's really rude about the bed thing, I would be pretty angry too. You dont just sell something someone lent you!

That's good to hear you're feeling quite good at the moment, make sure you enjoy it!

Has Phyllis not been sold yet? It is good you are still able to ride her.

Hopefully we can catch up on msn sometime soon.

Folly.

Hey folly foal! Yea I was pissed, but we went out this weekend and brought ourselves a nice big king size bed, with the most gorgeous black wood frame. Also got a big 40" LCD tv which is super awesome, and we get a free 22" one too Spent a bit of money, but we got them from harvey norman so have 4 yrs interest free

Nope, Phyllis is staying with me till the end of next year when I have the choice to buy her or help sell her. It means that Im paying for all her expenses but I'm not so fussed cos its not too much, and its not as bad and buying a horse.

Back at work again and yet again hating it. But I have a meeting with my mentor this week to discuss rotating so that will be good. Not too sure how it will go though, I just have a feeling I don't want to stay in this industry. I enjoy studying engineering, just not doing the work that I'm doing. I love doing calculations and good ol' maths, so maybe I can look into that when I'm finished. Might try and get into the geotech side of things, as rock formations etc interest me, or could do some surveying to get me out and about. Maybe its just about me finding the section that caters for what I enjoy.

Have been talking to the bf about 'the future', especially after spending so much time together. Things with us have been so great for the last few months, mainly after we got our own place. He's giving up smoking too cos he had swine flu last week (I amazingly managed to avoid it, even though I was thinking I wouldn't mind catching it just for a week off work - thats how bad work is!) and he has asthma and he could barely get out of bed without having a coughing fit or running out of breath. I was really worried about him. Anyways I've been preparing myself for some arguing and its been ok so far, if he gets snappy I just ignore it and it takes him about 1 min to calm down lol. Im just being supportive because he knows I hate his smoking and it must be hard for him, and I know he appriciates it. We're planning on moving overseas in a couple of years, and doing some travel which we're both looking forward to. Its nice to make plans like that with him, because things were so rough and unsteady for the 1st year together, and I love that we have sorted all that kinda stuff out.

I can see myself heading towards that depression line again.. I'm not there yet but I can see that I will get there soon if I don't try change somethings. I feel like I have so much on at the moment, and I don't cope well with a too much stuff and too much stress.

To try and cope I've written down a list of everything I need to do and prioritiesd it, and I felt slightly better after doing that. I have courses coming up again for my diploma and I'm determined to get at least one B this semester - already Im averaging 98% and 93% in 2 of my courses which Im over the moon about. Just gotta keep up that study.

I've been offered a job in our Whangarei office. After saying I don't mind moving to somewhere new, I want to tell my boss I don't want to move up there. After talking to dp and my parents I think staying in the same area is a good thing. Hopefully I will still be able to move out of the draughting team into another team doing something different. I've expressed my interest in getting into geotech work but who knows - as long as Im away from draughting. As soon as I think of moving I feel a dread. We have finally found a great little house of our own, I finally have a place that feels like home and I don't want to pack up and leave. I don't cope well with moving, and I'm afraid that it would push me over the edge.

I want to move eventually but not quite yet. I think I might tell my boss that I want to stay in the auckland area and look at moving in about a years time, which gives me at least a year in a settled place. Then I can concetrate on my courses since I'm flat out on them this semester, I can still have Phyllis, the beach, my friends and family, and a lovely summer in a nice house. Next year I can move and do something big and scary.

I'm also having slight problems with Phyllis atm too. Since I came off her I've been quite nervous riding, esp cos shes full of feed and spring grass now. Feed is being cut back, but I still have a month or so of her threatening to buck. Falling off has really knocked my confidence. I'm much better riding on my own, but the other lady I was riding with when Phil tossed me often comes riding and her horse is the one that kinda got Phil going, as hers is a nutter and bucks and carries on. I've told her that I'm really nervous and shes really good but it makes me feel like a bit of an idiot. I mean I've done so much and jumping huge heights, riding crazy horses and top racehorses was nothing to me and now I'm scared of my horse putting in a tiny buck. I know I'll get my mojo back and it will just take time, but still - its something I could escape to do and now its kinda scary. I used to gallop her around the farm and now I keep a tight grip on her and barely let her canter. I try to pretend Im confident because when I tense up she tenses up, but sometimes I can't help it.

On the good side I'm losing weight My measurements have gone down and I've lost 6cms from my waist, 2.5cms from my hips, 5.5cms from my arms and 5cms from my bust which I'm so stoked about

I understand the loss of confidance whith rideing. I know I dont have the confidance I use to in a lot of areas. It is something Ihope to be working on in the new year.

Glad your studies are going well.

Hey Rossy, good to see you, how you been?

I'm starting to feel that stress and I don't like it. Got an email from the manager in Whangarei wanting to know my decision, then my manager came to speak to me about it as well. I just don't know what to do....

And just then went and had a cry in the toilets. God Im pathetic. Any bit of stress or pressure and I just can't handle it. Wtf am I ment to say to my boss "I don't want to move because Im mentally unstable and Im afraid I'l want to kill myself again" "I don't want to move because my bf doesn't want to" Oh yes, even though I ASKED to be moved somewhere else and didn't mind where but OBVIOUSLY didn't think about it too much. Despite the fact I ASKED my bf if he wanted to move somewhere new and he said yes, and then tells me anywhere EXCEPT Whangarei AFTER I get offered the place there.

I really don't know what to do.. and right now I just need a big hug