confused thoughts

If it is a broken heart and broken spirit that has caused your depression will it ever go away? Or is the only thing that will fix your broken heart and spirit and make the depression go away the one thing that caused it

I empathise with you Katie
a broken heart and a broken spirit are very hard to deal with.

I will reply more when I am not on my phone.

But I wanted to say that your post did not go unheard, we are here and listening

would you like to elaborate?

Thank you so much for replying as I have never felt so alone in my life before. it was a man (of course) and i felt like i had found what i had been searching for my whole life,my other half, my soul mate , he was a boy version of me and i was a girl version of him.
he said he felt the same but he said it first so i believed him
but it didn't work out
and part of my pain is realizing that if this what i felt was so right, so perfect, so meant to be
is not true
then i have wasted my whole life
looking for him
and what books, songs, movies, my heart says is true
it is not
which is so very very very sad
i am drowning in it

Ah..... that other half of you, the part that completes you, where your soul, your heart, your body and mind seem to fit so perfectly together that it doesn't matter if no one else in the world existed (even those you know you love) because it just feels so right, and you just feel like you've come home.

where you know without a doubt in your fibre that he feels exactly the same way, you can't imagine ever fighting, disagreeing about anything, ever. and life is perfect?

that kinda love?

yes, and the hurt won't go away...i am so fucken exhausted with trying to keep going.....manage to work and then just come home and cry and cry....he was told by his ex wife for 17 years he was mental, was possessed by evil spirits and dragged along to a spiritualistic church to be prayed over every time she thought he was going mental...when he left her she said he should go to a doctor because he was so mental then her friend that is a mental health nurse got in touch with him and told him she thought he was bi polar and got him into see the mental health team , by this time he didn't think he was mental but was going to prove to his wife that he wasn't mental and the doctors talked to him once, then asked to speak to some one that had known him for a long time and he said talk to my ex wife and the next day after they did they rang him and told him he was bi polar and urgently had to go on medication so he did and now the beautiful person i knew has gone.
can any one answer this for me please ~ if I felt exactly what he felt and said and for the time we were together it was (I thought ) nearly perfect but he then got diagnosed as bi polar and went on medication and all his feelings for me went and he is now just bland then does that mean I have bipolar and should go on medication for that to stop my feelings for him because I just hurt so very much and it is not getting better even though I am on anti depressants, and doing every thing I am meant to do to get out of this depression like exercise, night classes, having friends over etc but nothing nothing nothing is making it better...i can't talk about it or write about it with out crying, I have never cried like this before, it comes from deep deep in my soul and being and feels primitive and raw.
I just don't know what to do any more

the reality is no one gives a fuck really...and after many years of thinking the opposite this i realized i was wrong and getting to where i am in life and seeing everything i held true is not i think i am still in shock
there must be some one out there who has been through this or maybe because i was such a mirror opposite of my man and he is mental so i am.
read some where that all depression is is seeing reality clearly

I do understand how you feel. the problem is that it didnt last for me either.

the good news though, is i found someone who fit me even more perfectly and it makes my heart sing.

I know your heart is breaking, and you think that the person who could fill you and make you whole again is the answer to your broken heart. when you love someone, and they leave (mentally, emotionally, physically or whatever) it really hurts. it makes you question yourself, and everything you thought you believed in.

everyone walks their own path, and for a time the two of you must walk alone on your own separate journeys. him over there doing whatever he's doing, and you over here doing what ever you've got to do to look after you.

much love and hugs for you,
it's so hard
x

Thank you writing, you make me feel a little better but worse because I had been married for many years to a man that didn't love me and i thought i loved and i kept trying and trying until he left me and I thought my new man was the man ' who fit me even more perfectly and it makes my heart sing'.....
my ex husband was so nasty but when i was with my new man it didn't matter what had happened, it had to happen so I really knew what real love was ...when some one is perfect and you don't want to change them and quirks are so endearing.....and he felt he had to put up with his ex wife because what we had both learned would make us perfect

we used to laugh because we sounded like a romantic comedy and he used to say well, whats wrong with that? every one knows what happens at the end of a romantic comedy...happily ever after

God I read what I write and the romantic bit makes me want to go blah and if anyone else was telling me this i would go blah and make puking noises but it was like that....our friends saw it and told us how perfect we were for each other and could see how much and equally we loved each other


but now I just (if i wasn't so tired) want to scream out ' universe, karma, God, fate, destiny whatever that made us meet and fall in love THAT WAS JUST SO FUCKEN MEAN ~ IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO COME BACK TO MY BELIEFS AND LIFE AFTER MY EX HUSBAND LEFT IT WAS SO MEAN TO GIVE ME THE MAN WHO I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL MY LIFE ONLY TO TAKE HIM AWAY !!!

sorry if this sounds all a bit mad but, hey what else can i do?

i'm sad that your 1st husband was so nasty and think that you're right... your new man was perfect to show you that you really do deserve the best.

i'm sorry that this is so hard for you right now. i wish that i could extend you the biggest hug and trust that everythign will work out great in the end, and that this part of the process is just that, a part of the process.

i had that too, people saying they'd never seen anyone so perfect for each other. god, it sucks so much that things like that don't go on forever.

don't let go of the hopes and the new beleives that good things can happen to you.

xoxo

Thank you so much Ms Fluffy_Ducks ~ thank you for coming into my life and helping me but i am so scared I will be a burden to you.
is there any one else here that's feels the same as i do, that their depression has been bought on by the pain of not being loved by the only one you want to love you?, that will take some of my burden off Ms Fluffy_Ducks as I feel she has been pain herself ! I don't even know if i am writing in the right forum ~ I don't know how I ended up here ~ all I know is I have been bought to my knees and I am trying to make sense of the last few years which has ended up with what I thought i had been looking for my whole life was not true.
and please, i am trying to make sense of my life so i promise you, no wonder how weird my life is/was and how it sounds sounds, it is true, or maybe what happened wasn't weird but happens to lots of people , that's what i need to know....sorry if i am in the wrong forum, have been diagnosed with reactive depression if that makes you take me seriously but really need to know what has happened in the last few years, would it send everyone spiraling into depression or am i just being stupid and should just suck it up and its nothing really?
or am i mad and the people reading this , apart from Ms Fluffy_Ducks, can see i am not worth wasting time on cos i am fucked and sad and should get over myself?
or is it okay just to spill it all out here?

um, no you wont be a burden to me. dont' worry about that at all.

there are bound to be other people that feel or have felt exactly how you feel right now. they will post when they are ready to talk about it. you are in the ladies board though, so you won't get any men's answering your call.

please feel free to write and write and spill it all out. it's your space to do whatever will help you.

i haven't heard of reactive depression before, but i'm gonna guess it's depression as a reaction to some kind of trauma.

"suck it up" is the worst phrase i've ever heard. be kind to yourself, allow yourself some time and space to heal and process and actually deal with things.

x

I think this is the first time in my life I have actually doubted my sanity..the only explanation is i must be bi polar if we felt these things at the same time or that means there was no reason for what has happened in the last few years ~ i remember i read a book about depression and it made such an expression on me until she ended it with " every story deserves a happy ending and here is mine......at the time i sneered, there would be no happy ending with this my life after so much has happened but when I was with my man her words came back and i believed them . yes reactive depression is a reaction to something happening in your life rather than depression from no direct cause

it hurts so fucken much ~ i love my bed and sleeping to stop the pain....

i'm sorry it's such a hard time for you.

big hugs xoxxo
i'm here to listen
for you

its never going to end is it......you just get to the stage in life when that straw breaks your personal camels back and you just know you are never ever going to be able to pick yourself up and start again - you just know deep in your soul that this is it.....you've lost confidence, energy, belief in ones self or anything really, optimism, a sense of humour , empathy and the belief that life will never get better or be happy again ~ and you truly disgust yourself because you let yourself believe in and fall in love with some one that was a liar so you look at yourself and see yourself honestly and realize why would he love me I am so disgusting and you hate yourself so very fucken much.

the only thing i look forward to is Sundays when I don't have to pretend everything is ok and i stay in bed and every time i wake up i take another sleeping tablet so sleep most of the day away then read a book until its time to take another sleeping tablet and go to sleep...but this evening crying broke through my reading and i couldn't stop.....time for another sleeping tablet to get away from the hurt and pain

THAT feeling my dear, that feeling that it's never going to end, and the hurt will go on and on is exactly what they call "the bottom of the barrel" the only possible way to go from here is up.

you are not disgusting, you are beautiful and hurt for placing your trust in the wrong person. there is no shame in that. take the blame away from yourself, allow yourself to cry the same way you would a child that comes to you sobbing her poor little heart out.

Thank you for sharing your story

x

Ha, talking with a friend just last night....was thinking probably many of us in here dealing with broken hearts and spirits for many reasons...abuses.. lost love.. grief...all of those things...

I think if we can share...and talk and such like early in the peace...it may help ...where as...if left and locked deep with in our selves...the pain eats us empty...

Not sure...jsut my thoughts from last night.

I have only skimmed your writings Katie...but can see many words I say about my self.
Stay with us...we are all in similar places and know the painful feelings.

One day at a time, and on the really bad days, an hour at a time.

XO

So , thank you for listening to me and commenting....today I feel a tiny bit lighter , I don't know what from but I guess after I wrote what I was feeling here yesterday, never mind if any one read/answered it...just writing it here helped me let it go and I had a wonderful sleep but you two answering thank you so much.

Soul Drunk, Body ruined, these two
sit helpless in a wrecked wagon
Neither knows how to fix it
And in my heart, I'd say it was more
like a donkey sunk in a mudhole
struggling and miring deeper.

But listen to me: for one moment,
quit being sad. Hear blessings
dropping their blossoms
around you. God.


and no, of course I diddn't write it , from famous poet: the poet Rumi http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumi

thoughts anyone? is it just me that gets shivers down their spine as they read this?

this is very scary writing this and sending it out there to the mercy of anyone....

RUMI...amazing.

Yes, just keep coming back, let it all hang out when you wish. I do think its the best thing we can do.

hope you get tosleep well tonight.

XO
sinking struggling...yep, we know what that feels like dont we...at least we are all here to gether..for each other. take care.

much loves to you both.

glad you got some sleep, amazing how much more we can deal with things on a good nights rest.

xx

so just as i start feeling a little better and the endless loop of whys and whats in my thoughts has calmed down a bit he gets in touch ~ but not in the normal way ~ oh no, that would just be to fucken easy wouldn't it, he gets in touch in a creepy way with out getting directly in touch by doing what he has done before, trying to change my password twice on my account , so i get an email saying this from the account,t the only way any one could do this is to know my email address and he has done it before,just what i need , another head fuck , so i am angry but ignoring this but the sick part is i am happy and all this shit goes through my head, like is a sign? is it a message from him to hang in there it will be ok, or is it because he is sick and knows this will fuck with my head and i have been very very strong this time and not contacted him for 6 weeks and the last 2 times it has been me who has contacted him but before it was always him .....

but but but
and there is always a but isn't there

i am going against my instincts and not letting him know that i know what he has done , and here's the but, having had, in the last few years, one of my my best friend who lived next door to me kill herself while i was sitting on my back deck trying to talk myself out of getting the spare key and checking her out because i was being silly and having my nephew kill himself and I knew something was going to happen to both of them but told my self i was being silly and dramatic i promised myself if i ever had those feelings again, no matter what, i would get in touch and stay until whatever was wrong had passed and i had done everything i could to stop then from killing themselves even if i wasn't sure they were thinking about it but i knew something was wrong.
all i want to do is send a txt or email telling him its going to be okay please don't kill yourself, add to that my fortune teller told me some one would die in the next 2 months and i felt as soon as she told me that it would be him so what do i do??????
He used to tell me that if he hadn't met me when he did he would have killed himself .....
is it my mind making an excuse to get in touch with him or what ~ my life has been so weird for the last few years that i just don't even know what i think any more

its Sunday good and i hate him, why the fuck should i bother worrying about his problems i have to hold onto that

sounds like you've been through quite a bit in the last couple of days.

i honestly have no idea or advice on how to deal with him. i don't know him and i can't help him.

but you though, you i do know and if i can help, i will. x

my advice for you is to focus on you first. regardless of their situation, YOU are the most important person to you. what do you need from you?

what do you need from you? Is that a typo and was meant to say what do you need for you?
if it was is this: i want a explanation ~ if this was so real how did it stop?
was it now nothing on your part and why? was i that easy to manipulate , just tell me what i need to cry, accept reality, accept i was a fool and move (inch) on.... to hear what happened in the few days before you told me you were coming back to me then went , gone ....like it was nothing
no, no one can answer that unless its him and could i trust what he was saying was real? ~ no.
thank God for this safe place to let this all spew out, i sighed such a big sigh of relief the other night when i wrote here ...a small step but it all flooded back when the next morning i got another one of those emails i am so fucken fucken angry with him for doing this when i was moving on, its taken me back to my darkest days and i need to know what really happened so i don't go fucking totally insane because i need to see what has happen and move on. hope some one else understand this or fuck i am on my own totally with my lies of belief which is very scary thought
i know all sounds a bit mad but hey if you can't write forth your madest feelings here when can you?