Confused and lost

I am not sure where to start. So I will start at the beginning. I will apologise now for the long post.

Four years ago I met my best friend and shortly after we got together. I moved from the states to New Zealand to be with her. We have been in sync and happy the whole time. Of course we have our arguments but we always work them out. Communication has always been there for us.

18 months ago she asked me to marry her and of course I said yes. We started planning the wedding a few months later. Booked the perfect spot purchased my dress, her suit, and our wedding rings.

She is epileptic and her seizures have been more often in the last 6 months than they have been our entire relationship. She is on medication to control her epilepsy and her bipolar. She takes her meds regularly. The dr has increased her epilepsy meds to try and see if the frequency of her seizures will lessen. She had a few seizures at work and was miserable at her job. She has always held down a job but this one was making her sick. She was depressed a lot and stressed so a month ago we agreed it was best if she left the job for her mental and physical health.

She went to the Dr last week to get a medical certificate to say she is fit to work due to the epilepsy and the Dr will not give it to her and has put her on medical leave for 3-6 months. This obviously upset her and I totally understand why. I told her that it will be ok but money is going to be tight.

On Sunday I was looking at bridemaids dress and suits for the guys. I mentioned that one of our friends was worried about renting his suit because he currently doesn't have a job. She looks at and tells me "I don't have a job either do you think it's smart for us to get married in October (wedding was suppose to be in 8 weeks)"? She was very irrited when she said it. I said ok and put the laptop away. She said ok what and I said we would postpone it. Of course I did not handle this well and started to tell her that it will be ok and that I will sort it out. I cried and dropped it. She left for 4hrs and went to a friends.

When she got back I asked how long she had wanted out. She said she never said that and I said that she was not denying it either. I cried most of the night and Monday morning got up for work but could not go as I was still crying so called into work. When she got up I asked her if she still loved me she said yes. I asked her if she was still in love with me and she said she didn't know. She decided to go for a walk to think and was gone for 11hrs. I left her be most of the time but after about 6 hrs I wanted to know when she was coming home so we could talk. She kept saying she would be home that night but that she was still sorting her head out. When she got home I was a crying mess and fearing the worst. She told me she was not in love with me anymore.

My world fell from under me. I asked her if we could try counselling and she said it would not help. She still loves me and loves being with me and loves being around me. She said she could not love me the way I do her nor could she give me what I need (meds lower her labido).

But here is the thing she wants to continue living together (I've moved into one of our spare rooms) and wants to keep our joint bank account and all that. She doesn't want me to return the wedding rings or anything like that.

All of our friends are telling me not to give up hope that maybe she is still confused and that in time she may realise that she is still in love with me.

My question is with all the stress and life stuff going on could this sudden ending be from the depression? If so what is the best way for me to help her? She is not the best at processing her feelings much less talking about them.

I'm just all confused because I just thought she didn't want to get married right now. I never once thought she had fallen out of love with me.

We are still friends and things are like they were before except for the lover dynamic (no hugs, kisses, and of course separate rooms). This has shocked not only me but everyone that we know.

Any advise would be much appreciated.

Thanks
M

Hi M
first - thank you for sharing your story. it's hard to get it all out, and harder to feel like you have to explain the behaviour of one that you absolutely love and cherish becuase they dont fit the ideals that other people come up with.

i can read in your post that you truly love her, and i think that you're probably usually a most stable rock for her in a world that is full of uncertainty.

my own partner suffered from depression and epilepsy when i met him a few years ago, and he too was out of work at that time, and goign through a huge traumatic life experience.

i would say that yes, with all the stress and life stuff going on, this sudden meltdown could have been triggered. i do believe that when someone is depressed, and you ask them to value and cherish you and prove they absolutely love you - they actually cant. it's hard to hear, but they can't. they're so full of nothing, that love just isn't there to be felt. and possibly, she is saying she doens't becuase she feels guilty that she doesnt, she knows in her own heart that you deserve what (she thinks is) better than her.

try not to take it personally, look after yourself and be there for her just like you always have. build a support network for yourself, so that when she isn't there, you have someone to help you up.

x

Hi M,

No apology required for your long post. It's unavoidable when there's so much on your mind and you cover it so well.

My wife and I split up about a year ago. We sold our house and went on our separate way. We're still in touch and have a friendly relationship. I would say we're both depressed. Me because of my nature and her because of her situation. I can elaborate further if you're interested.

It seems you are like my wife and I am like your partner. It seems both your partner and I have low self-esteem and feel as though we don't deserve to be with naturally loving soul-mates.

I'm the white sheep in my family. I didn't really develop until I was old enough to leave my oppressive home. I can go into more details if you like there too. None the less, my nature can be awful and obnoxious sometimes - not in a harmful way - more in a socially unacceptable and inept way if you know what I mean. I have learnt to be neutral rather than natural. I have a good heart though which is what my wife could and still does recognise.

When my wife started to get depressed with the general stresses of life (once again I can elaborate if you're interested) she started to withdraw. Then when I lost my job and couldn't get another I was deemed to be useless. She thought she would be better off without me. I tend to agree. I'm quite prepared sacrifice my enjoyment of the relationship for her long-term happiness (or less misery) without me. Also, eliminating me gives her a chance to find someone worthwhile. I said I'll miss her - and I do.

Getting back to you and your partner. If your relationship hasn't been too damaged by recent events then there's a chance it can be salvaged by erasing and rewinding over recent bad times and back to the good old days.

The big problem is your partner's low self-esteem. If she has fundamental problems then unfortunately the best thing to do, in my humble opinion, is put it all down to experience and sadly move on.

It's understandable that I project my experiences on your situation which might be wrong. Please let me know if I have misjudged your situation.

Scamp