Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

Hi Haley .... Well, here's the HUG .....! It is hard when you feel under pressure - could you say in the nicest possible way that you've reconsidered wanting to transfer at the moment. And you'll approach them in the future - (when the time is right for you) - you don't need to go into long explanations - speak from the 'I'. ..... eg - I've had time to think properly and a move to another city/town is not right for me at the moment. (or some such similar thing) Moving to a new place is big - I know I've done it many times - and it takes about 2 YEARS to settle, meet enough people, and even meet someone in the street or supermarket that you know!! Some changes are good - others are too stressful. (Being settled for a while could be a good thing) ... Hope this helps.

Daze

Thanks daze, I think thats what I might do. I'm just feeling like crap this morning and a convasation last night with my bf has just got me feeling the worse I have in a very long time. I cried myself to sleep last night and I've been on the verge of tears all morning. I don't know how we got onto it but we were talking about weight and how much we had put on in so many years. I thought I wasn't looking too bad being a size 12 and all and he said how I 'didn't have my belly' when we first me. He said it as nicely as could be but it just really got to me. Of course I got upset, he got shitty, told me Im too obsessed with my body and my food, and if I really don't like it why don't I go do some exercise. It just really hit a nerve and reminded me of stuff my ex used to say to me. I had thoughts last night that I haven't had for a long time - suicide, no one wants me, everyone is better off without me, Im fat, ugly and useless.. just the usual. I think with everything going on the big black dog is back.

Its like all of a sudden I've realised that I have a lot of stuff going on. My parents are fighting and stress out due to having to sell the house because they just can't afford it anymore, and theres points in the past year that divorce has been mentioned. I hate my job, and I've taken on so much with my diploma and Im stressed about that. This whole moving to Whangarei thing is getting to me, and then theirs my weight which I have always been and probably always will be obsessed with, and atm Im nervous riding Phyllis, who used to be my way to relax and have 'me' time. I just have to try and deal with everything indervidually and logically.

Family - theres nothing I can really do, I suppose I'll just have to deal with it and try and be there for everyone. Being the eldest of 4 kids I feel like I should be the one looking out.

Job - Just put up with it, turn down the Whangarei offer cos I don't think a big move would be good for me atm. See if I can be transfered to an area here in Auckland that I might enjoy

Weight - Exercise, eat better, get rid of all crap food from the house. Eat healthy, lots of veges, fruit, meat, cut down on dairy, fat, carbs. Go running now that the weather is better, maybe take my running gear to work so I can run after work instead of getting home and not feeling like it.

Diploma - Study lots, use my day off to actually study and not run errands/clean the house/visit people I feel I should visit. Write down what needs to be done and when assignments etc are due.

Phyllis - Try ride her at least 3 times a week to try and get some energy out of her, keep riding her in places I feel ok to ride (driveway, arena, not out on the farm). Towards the end of spring she will calm down and be fine again.

Well.. I actually feel better now that I've made a bit of a list. Still feeling down and if worse comes to worse I can always go back on the anti-ds

I might be getting a puppy! I'm so exited, hes a little shih tzu and just adorable. My bfs mums good family friend breeds them and wants to give us one. Just waiting for our landlord to say yes or no. It will be even harder if she says no now that I've seen pics of him.

This is puppy

yay! s\/he looks so cute, how will your cat get on with it?

Bella will be fine, she used to have 2 dogs as flatmates and they were big dogs. Apparently hes really good with cats too.

I am super exited! Gunna ring the landlord tonight and beg her to let us have him

Landlord said yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so exited!!!!

So.. now a name??

Hi Haley ..... The puppy looks lovely. Don't they melt your heart! ... But I have to ask - will you put him in daycare ... they hate being alone for long periods, they're just a baby. Or can you take him to work????

Daze

Nope, me and bf are quite lucky because we work such different hours, puppy will be alone 4hrs max a day. We have a nice courtyard out the back too thats very sheltered and soon to be fully fenced so he can hang out there in the summer when he gets a bit older.

I shall show you all some more pics when we get him this wkend, and Im very lucky cos our own folly foal has offered to help me out and lend me a few things

Along with getting this puppy a few other decisions have been made which is a huge relief on me.

I've decided not to move to Whangarei. Just too much on me and I don't think I could cope atm. I can always move next year if I want to, when I don't have so much going on with my diploma, and then I would have stayed in a house for over a year (first time ever!) and things with my family will hopefully be sorted.

Also I've decided to give up Phyllis. I'm just not enjoying riding her as much, shes costing me more than I can really afford and the grazing circumstances have changed and theres only a percentage of the riding area we had before, meaning no beach or forest. Also I'll be spending all my time with new puppy!

Things are going really good now. I've sorted out work and Phyllis, and puppy is just the sweetest little thing! Atm I'm just waiting for Phyllis to sell which will make life easier, but daylight savings sure helps.

Work, well I told my boss Im not moving to Whangarei which is a huge weight off my back, but looks like Im stuck in the same place for a few more months. But I have a job atm thats pretty straight forward and I don't mind doing it.

Puppy is fantastic! Took him to the park for a play last night, its just round the corner from my house, like a 1min walk. He loved it so much. Him and Bella love each other, she hangs out in front of the bathroom door (where he sleeps at night till hes toilet trained) waiting for him to come play. We've called him Baxter, which suits him so well.

Yay for Haley!!

good to hear a weight has been lifted, well done for telling your boss that you are not going to move.

And aren't puppies great - just remember they grow into bigger puppies!

Thanks mylife

Yep he is, and we're lucky that bf's mum has a dog from the same parents so we got a wee look at how big and how he will look when hes older.. and Vascoe (his mums dog) is gorgeous!

I currently have that down, depressed, 'nobody likes me or cares about me' dread feeling and I don't know why. It really bugs me. I feel like breaking down crying. I hate feeling like shit, esp when I don't know whats behind it

oh haley

be assured that we all care about you. it is horrid that feeling though and i can cetainly relate to it.

it bugs me when i get it too...

keep your chin up ok?

Thanks mylife for that.. it really helps its kinda odd, the feeling went away when I was almost home, and when I got home bf was there. He had only arrived just before I got there. Turns out he had been drinking. So maybe it was a gut feeling thing?

Things have been up and down lately. Just stressing about up coming courses and assignments due, and work has been busy so I feel guilty about taking my study leave. Family stuff is up and down too, its difficult for all of us I think. We did meet my brothers gf in the weekend though and she is so so lovely. Its funny to see my bro act so much more mature hehe. Works ok, I find if someone gives me a job to do and I know what Im doing I find it ok to just get on with it, but the day still drags on. Really don't have enough time for phyllis at the moment, in fact I don't really have enough time for anything at the moment except study and keeping things going at home. Its frustrating but its also life I suppose. Only 7 more weeks and exams and courses will be over for the year and I can relax again and be ME.

Bella has been super cuddly since we got Baxter, I think she seems happier too - playing a lot more and being a bit more 'cheerful'. No matter how much I love Baxter, Bella is still the one that gives the best cuddles when I feel like crap. We've been taking extra care to make sure she isn't feeling left out, and shes got her own space in our room that Baxter can't get to.

Went to a baby shower in the weekend, it was one of my good mates from college. Was cool to see a whole heap of people from up there that I had gone to school with, but noticed that only me and one other chick didnt have a kiddie lol. Made me very clucky, but no kids for me yet thanks!

I'm not seeing bf much atm either. Hes taking on lots of extra hours to pay for Baxter related costs. So I think we're both pretty stressed and tired at the moment. He doesn't usually get home till late when I'm asleep and the only real time we spend together is saturday nights. Its frustrating that he never has money on his ph either so I don't even get a txt during the day. The only time we get to catch up on whats going on during the week is on msn for about 30mins from when he gets home to when I leave work. I would love for us to take a holiday, but again its money that we don't have. Might look at perhaps going camping for a couple of days over summer.

So all in all that depression looks like it might still be hinting at a real comeback but atm I'm fighting to keep it away.

However right this second I feel like going home, setting up the bed in the lounge, cuddling up with Bella, Baxter and bf, and eating a whole heap of chocolate and popcorn and having a glass of wine lol. I've got a couple of movies at home I've been meaning to watch but every time I watch tv or read a magazine or a book its time I should be studying.. grrr

yes but there needs to be relaxation time too

Thats where I lack.. maybe I should start scheduling in some 'Haley' time for just me, to do whatever I want, without bf, study, work, animals etc... in fact I might just do that!

Just said goodbye to Phyllis and rung her owner and said I can't ride no more. I'm bloody gunna miss that horse, she was so fantastic for so long but that fall really got to me I wasn't enjoying it at all. I think Im just going to take a break from riding for a bit, I always have my families horses to ride, but Im sure gunna miss it. I have Bella and Baxter giving me lots of cuddles cos Im actually bawling my eyes out. I know its for the best and everything but it still hurts. Lets just hope the positives outweigh the negatives in the long run. But then again whats the point of doing something thats taking up money you dont have, time you dont have and your not really enjoying right?

Man I feel crappy today... I dunno why but I just feel like shit, really down. Its so gay. Sorta why do I bother, I have no friends, no one cares type crap.

Its frustrating cos I know its nonsense but the feelings are still there

Hey there Hayley, you have people who care on here. Feelings are hard to deal with and sometimes seem impossible to change. Hope you are feeling a bit better tomorrow. Take care.

Thanks bb, I think Im just stressed out with exams and assignments and stuff. Im not good with stress at all. In just over a month it will all be over and I can be me again, but until then I may be hanging out in here quite a lot more.

Be great to see you hang about here more. I'll look for you in chat.

Had pretty much a melt down this morning. Been crying for the past 3hrs over stupid dumb shit. Im just an idiot whining about things that arent really that bad that I make seem worse than they are cos Im pathetic. I should just suck it up and get over it and realise that Im better off than a lot of people so why the fuck should I complain. Today I actually had to remind myself that people would actually care if I died but then I wonder if they really would. I just whine and complain and Im more of a hassle then Im worth. Not even my 'friends' can be fucked with me anymore. I haven't barely heard from my so called best friend in ages, despite me trying to get in touch. Shes even been past my house to see another one of our friends (who also hasnt bothered getting back to me). I told my boyfriend how I was feeling this morning and he just got up and seemed angry, then told me that my life isnt that bad. So much for telling him when I feel down and need support. I dont wanna tell people I need help again, they will just be thinking 'oh not again, shes just a pain in the arse'. I have pills sitting next to my bed right now, Im so tempted just to take them all. Hopefully then no one else would have to waste their time on me.

Hi Little Hayley, I am so sorry you feel the way you do. I also feel I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I should just suck it up and get on with life. BUT the feelings are overwhelming and it is impossible to just get rid of them. I don't know why, wish I did. The only thing I do know is that the feelings will pass and you will have at least some relief soon. I am pretty sure your friends still care for you but just don't know what to say to help which is exactly how I feel even though I totally understand your pain as I have the same. It is easier to avoid a person than be confronted with the pain of someone you care about and not know how to help. Hope to catch up with you again soon in chat. Hugs Judy

Thanks Judy your exactly right. After a shower and something to eat I calmed down and Im fine now. It just scares me that Im getting that down again to feel the way I did when I wrote that. I just need to stop myself thinking so much because when Im distracted Im not thinking bad things.

Distraction, comforting showers and yummy food are some of natures good medicines. So pleased you are feeling more comfortable and also pleased that you feel able to vent on here when you do feel down. There is almost always someone around to offer some support. Take care.