Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

So I was on facebook yesterday and one of my friends (one that I mentioned above, but not my bestie) was on there 2. She said hi and invited me to the movies with a group of other friends. I know im looking into it too much, but if we hadn't been on there at the same time would she have bothered inviting me? Would any of them? My 'bestie' might be coming too, and I have to say Im pissed off at her cos I feel like Iv just been ditched for another friend. Their in constant contact and I've just been tossed aside. I feel like Im not good enough cos their the 'pretty skinny' ones and Im not.

Then I starting thinking about how many of my mates have bothered to come see my new house (that I moved into in may). Bestie has (because she needed a place to crash when she was having a fight with her bf). And thats it. And its not from me not inviting them, or being unavailable or anything. I know its stupid but it makes me feel crappy. Then I got Baxter, and invited heaps of people round to see him and see the house. None of them have come. It makes me wonder why I bother, I go celebrate things that make them happy, why can't they take the time and do the same. Its not hard to pop in and say hi.

Will be interesting to see how tonight goes. It sux that I'm feeling down again, I will be putting on the fake happy face. I think it might be time for me to start taking the citalopram again because I hate doing fake happy. I just feel so fat and ugly and plain and boring and I have no life cos I either have study or work and no one invites me to anything any more.

I went to the movies and it was great. We saw 500 days of Summer and it was quite good, not a typical love story at all. They had these huge pillow beanbag things that you sat on instead of seats and they were so comfy!! It was great seeing the others, am hoping to see them more over summer.

Bestie txt me the other day, we caught up at the mall on friday night. We do that quite often, just hang out, walk round, chat, check out clothes/makeup/jewellery/perfume and its great fun. We even go for a drink if we feel like it. Was great to see her, she's been just as busy as me. We're also going out to town this saturday night coming.

I think since I've been feeling so crap lately I need to feel like I have friends ALL THE TIME to maybe confirm to me that people like me. Thats probably why I've been getting so anal about it all.

Last night I got home, I was feeling pretty crap about how I looked yesterday (eye was all puffy and red from getting a cat hair in it cos Im allergic to cats = swollen eye), I hadn't had enough sleep and I had dark rings around my eyes and I all round looked like crap. I took Baxter for a walk/run, and when I got inside I realised my bf had cleaned the kitchen entirely, like it was spotless. I was stoked and happy and feeling great. Then he got home, we had dinner and he said how great it was. Then he was eating a pineapple lump bar and I asked him for half. Previously I had asked him to hide them because I would grab one and eat it when I was trying to lose weight. He said no you don't need that, and I don't know if its because Im feeling sensitive or what but I took it as 'you don't need that because your fat and need to lose weight'. It really hurt me. I don't know if it was because hes right, or because I feel that he thinks Im fat or what. I just... I dunno. I just re read all this and Im whining about crap that I always whine about. Why don't I do something about my weight then, right? The thing is I have. I have been losing weight, and exercising and eating well. Its just never enough for me. I still feel like a massive heffalump, fat and ugly and gross. My self esteem levels are rediculous.

It is 'that time of the month' though. My weight always goes a bit up, I get a bit bloated, and the week before and during I am the emotional monster from hell. Maybe thats just my problem.

At least Bella and Baxter love me no matter what. At the moment Im missing having Phyllis to go ride, even though I know I would be a bit wuss riding her

I had a sudden realisation on my way to work that I had forgotten something and today of all days is the worst possible time I could have forgotten it and if someone finds in life will be crap.. I can't really elaborate more than that but I am shitting myself and I am almost in tears at the thought of the worst possible outcome.. I wish I could just go home sick!

ok umm... i hope your day gets better and that it is found by you,

take care

Thanks mylife, I went home and all was well. It will NOT be happening again.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow, Im looking forward to that. I don't really treat myself much now (haven't brought a pair of shoes or had a hair cut since march, and the only thing I've brought clothing wise since then is some jeans I desparetly needed in back in august/september) so I think I deserve it! Esp cos my hair is down to my hips, I should probably look after it more

Hi Hayley it sounds like a little pampering is needed which may lift your mood a bit. I hope you enjoy getting your hair cut. If you are lucky they might give you a scalp massage too which is heaven!

Hey becks, thanks, yea it was so lovely!

I'm halfway through exams and the first 2 have seemed to go better than I thought they would which is always nice Things are going good, Im stressing out a little bit about exams but their all over soon.

This is a pic of our little man Baxter, hes almost 5 months now

So I've been pretty good lately. Atm just worrying about something thats getting to me. But hopefully its nothing Happy that exams are over, its nice to not have to worry about studying again for a few months. Sux being back at work full time though, but I am enjoying the extra money (was previously only working 4 days a week). I also just got another payrise and am getting back paid to 1st of oct, so will have that and some other money owed to me paid this week which will be super handy for xmas shopping.

We had a bbq and prenzel party at our house on friday night. Was a real shame that it was the only night all week the weather was absolute crap lol, but we had a lot of fun. Was nice catching up with a few friends, got to see my mates 5 week old bub (me getting clucky! haha), plus Baxter's breeder came and was so nice to know she thinks hes looking fantastic and we're training him well.

Got my xmas work lunch next friday then Greenday with bf after, then saturday we have his family bbq. Then we have xmas and Im on holiday. I love december, its my fav month of the year, theres always heaps to look forward to. I told the bf that I'm planning on spending one day of my holidays just doing nothing, Im gunna catch up on movies and programmes I've been meaning to watch on mysky, eat some popcorn, drink some coke and maybe a glass or too of wine, eat some lollies and choc, and just vege out lol. I think I deserve a day of doing that

Going to the movies to see New Moon with mum tonight. We promised to see it together so have been trying to find a good time. I can't wait, I love the twilight series

Really missing my riding. I think I'll try get up to mum and dads a bit during my holidays to ride their horses and will be able to get my confidence up there again. They have a big all weather arena which is great, makes for safe riding lol. Plus my sister has a really cool pony that I love riding, shes more my size (have always loved the little ones!).

Hope everyone is going well. Sending hugs and love to everyone that needs some xx

Big vent time...

I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one to talk to, or who would actually care. I hardly see my partner anymore with the hours that we do, and when I do get a chance to spend time with him he's building stuff or hanging out with the dog or hungover. I get that he needs his own time but I want to spend time with him too. We see each other for max 5 mins a day, sometimes not at all, except for when we're sleeping. Or I'm cooking or cleaning or out running errands or whatever. When we do spend time together its just watching tv and thats pretty much it.

I try talking to my 'best mate'. Shes not interested in anything I have to say unless its about her. I txt her the other day worried about something and she basically said don't worry it happens to me all the time its nothing. Needless to say I, yet again, felt useless and stupid and unimportant. She only txt me today to find out how something went, because something similar was happening to her and she wanted to talk about that. She has no time or money to catch up with me, yet can go to town and party in her free time.

I'm drifting away from most of my other mates. They all have kids and I just feel stupid when I'm with them cos they just seem older and more mature and stuff cos they have kiddies. And I feel like Im boring and have nothing to offer to my childless mates... just thinking about it now I have no reason not to catch up with them, I just feel... boring. And just think why would they wanna spend time with me anyway?

As per usual, I hate my job. I finally got something challenging and something I would think I would find interesting, but I don't. Its just boring and I dread doing it. I'm trying to get myself transferred but no one wants me. At the moment I feel like my life is just dragging on, Im just going through the movements, I have no purpose and aim. I'm just trying to get through the day's, earning money to pay the bills, cleaning, cooking.. just doing what needs to be done. And I don't know why I don't do anything about it? Maybe I just don't have the confidence. I have no one to blame for feeling like this than myself.

I'm also trying hard to lose weight and doing exercise. And I'm trying so hard and its not working. My instinct says to stop eating because then I will lose it, but that will just screw up my metabolism, and I'll end up binging on junk. I'm walking most days, doing weights etc and the weight just isn't shifting.

Maybe christmas is getting to me or something. Or I really need a holiday. During my time off I'm going to try catch up with people, make plans, do stuff. I have a mentor meeting next week, I'll try push that I want to move somewhere else. I only have one year left of study to do, then I have 2yrs of bond to work off that I can do overseas.

Thats another thing. I got my marks back from my exams. I passed everything, got two B-, a C and a C+. I'm happy I passed, but I'm kinda dissapointed with my marks. I put in so so so much hard work and study to get good marks this semester. I was aiming for at least a A- or a B+.

Maybe I'm just beating myself up for some stupid reason. I dunno whats up with me atm. I just feel so pointless.

So today I'm not gunna have a long winded vent.

I just have to say.. I need one hell of a hug

Thanks mylife, that really made me smile!!

I can do more if you like!

but it could be irritating!!!

haha I don't mind, I could do with some more.

Just got off the ph to my mum and had an arguement with her. I just can't wait for the end of the day so that I can go home and relax.

Hi Lil Miss Haley sorry to hear that you are feeling low hon. I hope you get to spend time relaxing this weekend and maybe do something with your boyfriend or a friend that you enjoy doing. If you like going to the movies I recommend 'Avatar'-it's pure escapism and a good way to spend 21/2 hours. Make sure you see it in 3D too. Take care and hugs to you from me!

heya had a read through ur thoughs, its like u live in my mind, i feel ya xo hope u hada good day

Thanks guys, yea last night bf and I just laxed and watched movies. It was nice And Im off to catch up with a mate tonight. I have seen Avatar though in 3D on the Imax (me and bf went out on a date last weekend hehe) its incredible!

I'm glad to know its not just me ebony. I hope you had a good day too, and have a lovely weekend xx

I'm feeling kinda down today. Things are ok, its just same old. Work is boring but I'm not HATING it, I just don't enjoy it.

Just having more 'mates' problems. Esp my so called 'best mate'. I know I've whined about her before but I just feel like I need to get my feelings out. I don't consider her a 'best' friend anymore. I can't just txt her randomly anymore about stuff, its like she doesn't care about anything except whats going on in her life. She's the 2nd 'best friend' I've had thats done this. I'm there for them as much as I can possibly be, but then when I need someone to just talk to or anything theres nothing. She hasn't even been to see Baxter. I've seen her once in the past 4 months, not from loss of trying. She drives past my area at least a couple of times a month and I've told her to txt me or just pop in, she knows where I live. I'm expected to go see her even though she lives way out from where I ever travel, and I go see her cos apparently thats what friends do. I work around her schedule, even when I'm busy. I'm sick of being the person that people walk all over. But I want people to care about me and appriciate me. Maybe I'm just too annoying or something.

God and now Im fighting back tears. Sometimes I just feel so pathetic.

So sorry you feel let down by your friends. It seems to be a sad fact of life that many people change and just move on to different things and different people. You sound like a very loyal and dependable friend but unfortunately not everyone is like you. It may be best to give what you can to a friendship but try not to expect anything in return as you may find you are often disappointed. I hope that doesn't sound too depressing but that has been my experience of people. Funnily enough though, it often turns out that as people get older and settle down they tend to drift back into your life and kind of pick up where they left off.

Thank you Bluebird, that makes me feel better that its not just me. It is disappointing not to have an ear or a shoulder to cry on when you need one. Maybe I'm just expecting too much of others. I'm lucky I have a fantastic bf who listens to me. Hopefully I won't lose him either.

hello miss haley, i have just read your journal and feel the need to say something to you.
i think you are extra extra clever and very smart.
you know stuff about how to get yourself out of a bad day
you know how to comfort yourself when u are low
and you know that the bad thought and feelings are the depression, not you.

all that stuff that you know how to do, is very very insightful and takes some ppl years to learn.
you are self healing,
and that my dear is very very mature and clever and fantastic.
i hope you have read your posts, they show that you can pull yourself out of that black hole and keep on keeping on.

oh and another thing
the stuff that you have been going thru, work,exams, study, family stuff, all that stuff would upset a "normal person" too.

there is no one on the planet who wouldn't react to all that stress.

and just one more thing
friends
some of them don't get it, and they can't get it, depression is not something everyone understands, they just cant. i think you have to experience it to understand fully.

i am sure they dont mean to let you down, they obviously dont realise how much you need them, perhaps explain that to a couple of the close ones. and try not to let yourself be offended if they still arent there for you. you will actually find that you will attract more ppl into you life who will understand and are able to show they care, as you carry on this journey thru depression and life.
loosing friends dosnt mean there is something wrong with you, it means you have out grown them, that your life has a different path, and theirs is different also.
its not a rejection
its a new road
with new ppl to join you, just around the next bend.

keep on keeping on!

Hi Lil Miss Haley I second what everybody else says! In terms of the friend situation, I'm sure that you will meet some more people who care about you and how you are feeling. I know that I have felt the same way as you and luckily now I have a few really good friends who want the best for me and can be there when I need them to be. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time but you will meet some new friends who will be good friends.

oh and i have one more thing for you

listen to this song, really listen to it

it is so true
believe me
i was younger when this song game out
and i didnt listen

and now bits of my body are going south
my knees are getting sore
i am starting to notice my age

i am only 36
but i now get this song
its so true
i wish i had loved my body more when i was younger
coz it wasnt as fat as i thought it was

so yea
listen to this song
love you for being you
for being the ONLY you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Thanks so much guys. Mistameenah, your posts gave me a huge smile and brought tears to my eyes. Thats some of the nicest stuff someones said to me and I feel a hell of a lot better about myself. No doubt when I'm feeling down I'm gunna read that just to remind myself I'm not too bad. I'm looking forward to listening to that song when I get home tonight

Last night when I got home, for some reason I just burst into tears. My bf just held me and told me he loves me and is there for me no matter what. He kept asking me what was wrong, which I couldn't even answer lol. I think I'll keep a close watch on how I'm feeling over the next few weeks because I'm starting to think its more than PMS moods. If I decide it is I might look at going back to half a pill a day. Not sure if it will do much medically but subconsiusly my brain will think its being treated.

I went out last night to see a couple of friends, 2 that I've mentioned before, my old bestie (lets call her A) and other good friend E. Was really nice to see them as A is going to england on friday for a month. I've been seeing more of E lately too, shes one of the loveliest people I've ever met. My new years goals are to lose weight and exercise more (doing well there) and to accept invitations and go out more. I went out last night, I'm going up north on saturday night for an old friends birthday, E and I are planning on doing dinner sometime next week on the beach and taking Baxter, and another friend I've had a lot of problems with in the past (spoken about her on here, lets call her N) has been getting in touch a lot more and we're looking at catching up for a swim after work this week. Right at this second I feel like I'm getting things together.

I've started writing stuff here then never finished it. I seem to think its not really important or I'm just whining about the same stuff, which is silly because I started this here so that I could get silly stuff off my chest into a place that doesn't interfere with others, if that makes sense?

I'm still feeling kinda down and crappy. I think it might be work, I've been back 2 and a half weeks and that's the time I've been feeling down. I have another mentor meeting in a couple of weeks but I'm sick of having them and nothing happening. I've been saying for almost 2yrs now that I want to be moved yet I'm still here. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, and when I ask questions I'm treated like an idiot. I'm not an idiot, I just haven't been taught it before. I'm looking forward to finishing my diploma but I'm afraid that I'm just going to have a peice of paper and zero knowledge, yet my '4yrs experience' says that I should know certain things. But because I've just been shoved in the corner I have no idea. I'd love to have a job I enjoy. To at least slightly want to get up in the morning and go to. Atm I have to force myself out of bed and drag myself to work. I'm doing easy stuff that I don't mind at the moment but its boring. I want to find a new career but I'm afraid that I'll choose something else that I hate. I worked so hard through school to do engineering and now I can't stand it.

I'm also feeling kinda crappy at home too. Just unappriciated. I cried myself to sleep last night, haven't done much of that for a while. I do so much at home, I cook, I clean, do washing, vacuum, do the shopping, the dishes, I walk the dog, feed the animals, run errands, make sure bills are paid and run bf round now that he's lost his licence. I don't mind doing all this stuff, I just want to know that its not just taken for granted. I don't know how to bring it up without sounding nagging and whining and 'going on' about it. He says thanks when I do stuff but I just don't feel like he notices how much I really do. Like he won't do stuff on his day off cos its 'his day off', but I'm expected to. And I do it on days that I work too. And I'm doing budgets and shit, and using my credit card to top up grocery purchases cos he's paying off debts and sometimes can't even pay his full amount for rent, yet hes just brought $500 worth of wine to pay off in the next few months, when he has a washing machine that needs to be paid off by the end of the year. Its just so frustrating!! I'm going to sit him down and talk to him, or maybe I should just write a letter? When I talk to him he just thinks of it as 'moaning' and seems to just write it off.

I just feel like such a useless failure right now.