LC - Thoughts of the mind

logical-cents wrote:Sometimes I wonder, and think that there must really be something wrong with me. I mean for one thing I'm on holiday yet here I am going into work yesterday for the day and then telling them I'll work Sunday as well. My holidays don't end till I go back to work on Tuesday. Got asked by so many people yesterday why I'd go into work while still on holiday, well what could I say? All I could tell them was that I was bored at home and needed something to do. But truth is the rest I couldn't tell them, they'd look at me strange and probably start backing away. Ya see I'm safe at work, safe from myself that is. Boredom is not a good thing, it leads to more depression and usually self-harm as well, but well I couldn't tell them that could I?

Sometimes I wonder why we are here, why we feel the way we do, why we get down and depressed more than other people. But then have the days like yesterday when its full of fun and laughs and you seem to fit in with everyone else and there's nothing holding you back. I don't like feeling like I'm being held back, like I don't fit in, like people are judging me when they don't even know me. There's a quote I use sometimes 'Don't judge me until you know my story'. No-one has the right to judge anyone until they know everything that person has been through, but does anyone follow that? No, you mention to someone you've got depression and they back off, they change how they treat you, they start watching what they do or say around you or they just cut of all contact what so ever. It hurts, makes you feel more unwanted. I'm a lot more open now though about my depression, not too worried as much about what people think, after all if they can't accept it then those aren't the sort of people I really want in my life. If we were all the same it would be a very boring place after all. I think I'm more open about it now because although it took a few years my parents are more accepting off it and I can talk to them about it, well I can talk to mum about it, dad doesn't really talk about feelings as much or anything, lot of males are like that though (not all).

I think though there comes a time when we do start accepting our ways. We don't though always want to. Hell there are times I curse the way I am. I hate it. Panicking over small insignificant things, having to have things done in a set way, get frustrated and anxious when things don't work out properly or are done wrong. In a way its good that there is one of the duty managers at work, and though he doesn't know about my depression he can tell when I'm starting to work myself up and often manages to talk me around and out of it or at least calm me down or change the subject. He probably doesn't realise how much he has actually helped me keep my cool sometimes at work. Even the times I've kinda had a go at him then not talked to him for a while he's still there. He's too damn nice to me and a lot of the time I feel like I don't deserve it. The times I have had a bit of a go at him though once I've calmed down and that I do apologise to him and explain my point of view or what ever and we talk it out.

Sometimes I loose track of what I was actually saying or what ever, my mind seems to be in short supply and jumps around a bit. Does the same when I'm talking to, can be talking to someone bout something, then I'll start talking about something else, usually succeed in confusing both myself and who ever I'm talking to, then I've just got this person standing in front of me looking at me as if saying 'what the hell?' One good thing is I can usually make people laugh, alright its usually coz I'm putting myself down or saying/doing something stupid, but that's ok. I've learnt to laugh at myself and I don't really care. I call myself an idiot, stupid what ever, I tell others that they are more than welcome to as well. If I can provide someone a laugh or smile in there day by putting down myself then that's fine with me.

My wrist is more than annoying me. Yesterday I got given a warmer jacket at work, at first didn't think I'd be able to wear it coz didn't think it would fit over my cast, luckily it does. But the grocery buyer had to help me get the bloody thing on because then I couldn't get the other arm in properly, she had to zip it up for me too. Was a tad embarrassing but all I could do was laugh, if I didn't I probably would of started crying. She had to fix my collar and that up for me too. It sucks feeling useless.

Anyway I really think I've rambled on enough at the moment. But ya know, I feel more ... calm maybe? after writing all this down.