LC - Thoughts of the mind

Yes and imagine if our universe was really just a speck of dust in a room, and we were just part of the speck of dust. The sun would be the lightbulb in the room, and the moon a nightlight.

Wonder what would happen to us if they did a spring clean?

logical-cents wrote:Really I think this is one of life's unanswerable questions.

Yeah. Its up there along with 'is there a god' and 'what is the point'

how depressing

If we start to say "what is the point" then we lead our selves into depression...

but it is a good question, how did the cow's and animals and US get here...what started it all, was it really just one atom???

What is everybody's theories?

*waits for Greasemonkeys analysis*

*sigh* What on earth are you meant to do when you can't sleep. Gotta be up for work in 4 hours, yet doesn't look like I'm gonna get any sleep, which will mean tomorrow may not be such a great day as one thing I have noticed is the fact that lack of sleep can increase the chances of me getting dizzy/lightheaded.

So far I've vacuumed and tided the lounge - had no choice, got some mates coming round for drinks on Saturday night and the floor kinda needed a vacuum and I had to tidy up my crafty area in the corner. Just gotta vacuum the kitchen and toilet now. Kinda need a mop as well to wash the floors but don't have one of those. Could always get down on my hands and knees with a cloth but well don't really know if I can be that bothered, maybe just in the most dirtiest areas.

Tomorrow (well really it's today) I'm gonna go get a price on what my next tattoo is gonna cost me so I can decided when I can afford it. Should be by the end of next month, then by summer time it will be healed and fine.

I had a customer as me today (well really yesterday) while I was working in the freezer if I was not cold. I said no, coz I wasn't. Here I am, working in a freezer wearing only a t-shirt (and pants and underwear) and everyone else is wearing their jackets. Most of the staff are used to me and my odd/crazy ways by now so doesn't really surprise them much to see me in a t-shirt when it's raining and windy. I did however learn something today, don't leave your gloves in the freezer while you go have lunch, the leathery piece on them does stiffen and they are cold and stiff when you put them on your hands. It's about as clever as the day I left my jacket in the chiller overnight and it was bloody freezing the next morning and of course when I got to work my jacket was cold too.

I am good at doing smart things. I'm good at doing things without thinking too. I can be especially good at not thinking through what I'm gonna do and doing things in which I end up hurting myself. Yes, I am very smart at doing things like that.

It is hard to settle the mind enough to get sleep when the mind decides it wants to be sorting through stuff, and pondering over confusing aspects of things and trying to work out solutions but not getting anywhere. Trying also to remember everything I need to do for work before I go on holiday and what info I need to write down to pass onto the guys. Can tell the next couple of days are gonna be a bit frantic.

I truely hope everything settles down for you LC,

I realised something tonight it's something that's crossed my mind a bit the last couple weeks/months because a guy at work has gotten engaged and gets asked occasionally about his wedding etc. Well I realised that if I ever get married it would pretty much all be family attending, there would be very few off my friends because I don't really have many. There would be mum's side of the family, dad's side, (and if things work out next weekend) by birth mother and her family. Friends of the family, and a couple of mates I went to school with, then maybe a couple I worked with back in NP and a couple I work with up here. This thought does not upset nor further depress me, it's just well interesting(??) kinda. It would by no chance be a small wedding though, dad's got 6 siblings, so get them and the ones that have partners and my cousins on that side, mum's got a sister and her partner and there kids and their partners and children, then my birth mother has (I think if I remember) 3-4 siblings, so them and their families and her father and his partner and my birth mother and her partner and children. And then add in my husband-to-be family and friends and it could be quite a bit wedding. But that's beside the point really, I don't have much plans to get married, it's not high on 'life's to-do list'. I would though like to get married at Huka Falls, if that day ever arrives.

one day it will arrive, and remember the people who matter will be there with you!

Have finally been able to work something out, as to why I don't much like the new guy in my department that I've been trying to train and finding a tad difficult to do. Why I don't feel overly safe being in the chiller or freezer out the back with him, and why I try to avoid working alongside him - all stuff that makes it difficult when trying to train someone to do the job. It's because his name and age is the same as my ex from last year and I'm relating that information to the hell my ex put me through which is making it difficult for me. Now I've got a week and half without work, in which time I need to try figure out a way to break this thought off and be able to work with this guy. I think the hardest part is feeling unsafe. I mean when we are out the back in the chiller or freezer the doors are pretty much shut, there is a small gap in between so they aren't fully closed (coz that would cause me to panic/start freaking out) and because they need to keep things cold they are of course thick walls etc so who knows whether any one would hear if you yelled/screamed while in there?? I've been told they can hear you though coz you can usually hear some sort of noise when inside them.

LC, I so pleased that you have managed to identify the 'problem" it will difficult for you to set aside any past dealings.

He probably wonders what he has done too.

Is there anyone else that can train him?

I'm doing my best. It's just hard. He works my end of the week so am having to work with him every day. There's not really anyone else to train him. The manager is spending most of her time over in service deli getting it up and running again and making money again. She's also got lots of other jobs to do.

hey lc hope you have a good time with your birth family

LC...I had a thought about this new guy that you are basically stuck training

how about you give him a nickname?...even if it is only when you mentally think of him...and it can be anything...just so long as it is a million miles removed from any reminders of your ex...

some suggestions...if he is a bit on the dopey/clumsy side call him Gomer...if he has a messy fluffy hairstyle call him fuzznut or fuzzle...if he wears little round glasses call him Harry (potter)...if he is a bit caveman like call him Fred or Barney.

fred or barney.. i know heaps of cavemen!

I'm scared, scared off how I've been feeling lately, scared of the thoughts going through my mind, afraid that I might act on them and really hoping that I don't.

no matter what, you are not your thoughts.
You are the watcher of thought.

Conciousness,which we are in essence, is ONE.
When we have thought-ourselves into separate individual beings(aided by our parental up bringing and reinforced at school an church),we have become conditioned,JUST AS OUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN.

If we resolved our own make-up, where would our sickness be?
My illness has shown me so many things
I feel so close to people
I am on the verge
of being like everyone else,
not their sicknesses but their essence.
love

so, so true GM.

that maybe true,,,

I have not written in here for a while. Why?? Because I feel I have nothing worthy to say. Who would want to listen/read to me going on complaining?? I've had enough, I've given up with everything, I just can't be bothered anymore. I don't care if I'm left with scars from all the self-harm, I don't care if I am drinking and I know how it reacts with my meds. I just don't care any more. I am trying so hard to see the point of continuing on this path of life but is it worth it?? It would be easy enough to just make myself disappear, maybe they could make up some story about being kidnapped or similar, least then it wouldn't leave the same amount of hurt on people left behind. Or maybe I could stage it so it looks like someone attacked me. Fuck I hate this, I've really had enough. How am I meant to stay strong when I feel weak and exhausted?? How am I mean to try and fight this when I have no strength or hope?? I give up. What happens will happen, I hold out for nothing.

I like listening,
to you.

think about this ML!

When you are complaining {especially after thinking you have nothing to say that is} you are off-loading your energy. Once you have emptied it is important to keep writing to find what else is there, as I have found there is something in everyone waiting their discovery. The key is to Not Stop writing.
Original thought is when the mind has turned,after the far-end is reached and something like a laugh or a giggle is experienced. Anything which makes you laugh, giggle or smile is comming from the
Gem Department,
The Department of Originality.
We get to the D.O. via free association.

Writing is good when its original.
We need to write expecting nothing at all;thats the secrete.
Writing yourself-out
is better than good ML.

Why-Not take some time to write to yourself, in the 'free-association' mode, freely writing your shitout and keep it going on an on...it will go on an on and then, sooner or later a small gem will be noticed and then heaps more shit will come and try an cover the little gem you found.
Talk dirty if you have to;any thing goes.
After a while another GEM is noticed;they usually sneek-in between thoughts, times when you're catching your breath (lol) or have run out of the shitty-things you have been storing inside-yourself!

After writing for along time, people do notice gaps appearing in their expressions of shit!

Gaps are between thoughts, have you noticed? Everyone will have noticed the GAP between thoughts just as thoughts are of your native language;that which you were brought-up with!

How you feel has to be be expressed and after many pages
these gems will become noticed, more and more.

You will feel lighter if you go for a walk after a writing session with yourself;its as though you've dumped the rubbish directly into the waste bin.
Notice this, try it out after you have written to yourself and found a laugh, or a new phase, or something funny has come through the gap and cracked you up!

Gems come along with an 'opposing thought'.

The mind trys to balance itself when You ROCK THE BOAT ON ONE SIDE ONLY.

Gems also can creep up on You.
They slip through Cracks un-announced at times. This I found at first!Getting into the shit hell for leather brings them on. After one little gem, it can take another few pages of shit untill another-gem squeezes its way-through.

After your writing has released a Gem,
Cut and paste this into a new File;Name it GEM FILE.
The rest of the crap you can burn outside somewhere,
of if youre doing this exercise in the puter,
DUMP IN THE TRASH
and bury it
for safe
keeping.
love

Phew, GM

That was alot. I think you meant it for LC not moi! But I will take the time to read it all through and digest it.



LC I sincerely hope you are improving,

mylife wrote:Phew, GM

That was alot. I think you meant it for LC not moi! But I will take the time to read it all through and digest it.



LC I sincerely hope you are improving,

ABSOLUTELY correct!
My mistake......
mustve been swayed by your post being close bye!
sowy!

Not really ML, am not even in the slightest looking forward to seeing family and spending some time with them which is hard to accept.

I feel so confused. I don't know what to do about work, life, anything. I've just had a week off, still have 2 1/2 days before I have to go back to work, yet I don't feel rested or refreshed. I'm looking forward to going back to work. Why?? Because it means I won't have so much time to think and dwell on everything. While I was away I realised that it is the counsellor that wants me to have the time off work. It's not what I want to do, somehow she took advantage of the fact that my mind and thoughts are not the clearest and I can't always make sense of them, and somehow she convinced me that giving up work/reducing my hours would be a brilliant idea. WRONG!! Ok yes so how the WINZ case manager worked it with going down the 15 hours a week at work with the benefit topping up I would JUST be able to afford rent and bills, then would be left with $30-$40 a week for food, petrol if needed and power. Hmmm yes well that is possible isn't it?? If I ended up doing this it is just going to put more stress on me. I deal with things differently, in my own way, I would rather pile myself up with work so I have no free time. I'd rather ask for more hours/days than to reduce them (don't worry I won't do that). I am so confused though with what to do, on one hand a bit of a rest would be good, on the other it could also end out more stressful for me.

I am pleased to be back home, I can at least be myself here, I don't need to constantly put on my happy face mask and act around my family like there is nothing wrong.

I'm lost and lonely.

alone is wonderfull if you know how to use your time.

What is it that most excites you?
Most ppl like alittle excitement and then alittle deep relaxation
and so on an on.
It could be youre STUCK LC.

speak to me sometime!