A ramble through Judy's mind.

Today has been so good, this morning my son phoned from London and I got an update on how my clever little grandson is doing. He is ofcourse meeting all his milestones on time and has the cutest chuckle. Then I went to pick up the 3 year old TV I purchased through TM for a very reasonable price. The vendors are downsizing their home and have bought themselves a flash new skinny type TV, they were lovely people and made me feel so welcome amidst their packaged up goods and the removal people shuffling around loading the big truck up for the journey to their new life. I shared a cup of coffee with them and left with the TV cabinet and a lovely fresh organic cabbage from their garden. It is such a pleasure to meet nice people and I so hope they enjoy their new life as they have lived in their current home for 38 years so it really is a huge change for them. Anyway I am home now and munching on a potatoe fritter and having a coffee, later I will have some fresh bread from the bakery with salmon and tomato on for a late afternoon snack and chicken soup even later for dinner. So that is me today. Hope anyone reading this is having lots of sunshine in their life, but if there are dark clouds just hang on to the thought that the sun will eventually break through.

well done blue - good to see you have had an good day. There are some nice people in this world isn't there.

My day has been ok and yes can see small amounts of sunshine coming through...long may it last...

Today has also been good so far. Last night I snuggled onto the couch in front of the TV with my usual candles and nice smelling incense and I ended up sleeping there. The clothes I had on were comfy and I was warm so had a great nights sleep despite the TV chattering away the whole time. Today I have done a pile of dishes, did a bit of cleaning and ofcourse fed the animals. No matter how bad I feel that I one thing I NEVER neglect. They are my responsibility, can't fend for themselves and are my tenuous grasp on sanity. I also love each and every one of them to bit. I may pop in on chat a little later but just now I"m happy just 'being' in my own space. Hope anyone reading this is having a sunny day.

Frustration. I have finally figured out that I did change my email address on Facebook BUT I forgot my password. Have asked for a new one, they sent a message to say a new one would be emailed. BUT the email hasn't arrived. I wouldn't have thought it would take this long. Apart from that the day is good. Last night I had a very small fire in the middle of the lounge floor. I didn't drop any matches so all I can think of is that while lighting a candle a spark flew and caught on Kovu's blanket. It was put out in a flash but it did remind me just how easily fires start. Note to self. Be VERY careful with matches. Today I have fed the animals and had a little sing along with Iris my clever, singing pig. She is so much more tuneful than me. Milkshake is looking far, far too skinny while Caramel is very fat. She is still feeding off Milkshake even though she is now 18 months old. Daisy has a sore foot so I will have to have a look at it. She won't like it one bit, as to have a good look I will have to tether her which she isn't used to. Not a lot on TV today, which reminds me I still have a large TV in my car. I have to somehow organise getting it out. My brain doesn't want to deal with real life people just now. It is lovely having online friends though.

At the moment I am super sensitive. I just want to 'be'. Not think, not do or feel anything that anyone else expects from me. I don't want to confront what is right or wrong with me just now. I am sifting through my thoughts in my own way and in my own time. I am lucky enough to have people who care and worry when I don't answer the phone and refuse yummy meals out which I usually love but just now I want total ME time. I am the most important person in my life just now apart from my kids. I don't want to be put in any position that isn't comfortable for me and that includes answering questions that I'm not ready to answer or sharing anything that I am not ready to share. This is a great site and it is so good to just log off when it get toooooo much. Thanks guys for being here and respecting my right to be a bloody cow now and again. I don't want to offend or upset but then I also don't want to take on anything I don't want to take on.

Hey we completely understand.... everything here is 'at our own pace' and 'when we feel comfortable'

We're sorry we made you feel a little uncomfortable in the chat room. Please just be assured that we had the best of intentions.

Hope to see you again there soon

well i won't be there to chat, but by all means make your self at home there,

and don't forget there are threads here for venting and expressing - like you have done here bluebird.

take care

Here is another day. One of mixed feelings but I am still determined to be 'me' on here. Be as supportive as I can while still nurturing and looking after 'me'. I am here as a fellow sufferer. I can NOT solve the problems of the world and nor should I even try. I hope in my small way to bring something positive to the lives of some others but have to accept that not everyone welcomes that and that some people actively don't like me or my way. That is fact and should not hurt as it is the same for us all. 'One size does NOT fit all' when it comes to human beings. I intend to keep talking from my heart and not saying what I feel 'should' be said and my hope is that what I say is taken in the spirit in which it is offered. There is to much sadness and suffering in the world. I don't want to contribute to it if I can help it. All of us here are special people to have found our way to Paddys Haven and we need to be there for each other. Any comments on my 'rambles' are very welcome.

Hi Bluebird,

Your 'rambles' as you put it, make alot of sense, keep rambling. It does help, not just you, but others here too.

Take care of yourself. Remember, as you have pointed out, you are most important to you and you need to put you first.

Best Wishes,

Thanks for the kind words Beth.

Today I feel OK within myself but otherwise not a good day at all. My chest is bad, my breathing difficult, and so very very tired. The floors so badly need a vacuum but today I just am not up to it. I am not a particularly good housekeeper but I do like things fairly tidy and there is a line over which I find it gets uncomfortable. The house has reached that line and I know even if I just get the vacuum out it will make me feel a whole lot better. Darn dog hairs. That is one thing about pigs, they don't shed hair, they don't jump up and are so eady to please with a tickle on the tummy and a bit of a singalong. Yay for pigs. Tomorrow I have a docs appointment so I'm hoping I feel up to driving. Big Bertha is a big old Landcruiser and not easy to drive but I don't want to swap her as she is special and been in the family for a very long time. I wish my hair would stop coming out, it is thin and patchy now. I have nearly always worn it long and when I go out it still looks OK but it won't be long before it isn't any more. It is comfy on my couch, the big new TV is still in the car as I can't get it out and I haven't wanted to ask anyone partly because I don't really want to face anyone just now and partly because I hate asking for help. It will happen in time, everything does. I have many blessings which I am thankful for each day, this site is one of them.

Today is another day. I feel peace inside but weird in that until a few minutes ago I couldn't move. It is a gentle kind of feeling, breathing quite shallow, only a little pain but all the 'shoulds' disappear as I know I 'can't'. I still feel pleasure when I hear the gentle grunting of a little pig coming in to say hello and have a break from being a pig outside grazing on grass to pretending to be a dog and having a nap in the house. She is a pig who enjoys fresh air so she tends to plonk herself down by the open french doors by my bedroom. I have a slight fever, sweating but kind of cold too. Dry eyes are fairly easily dealt with as I have drops but no such thing exists to replace saliva and my mouth is so dry, throat sore, talking difficult. My sense of taste is very dull and my mouth opens only a little. Eating used to be one of my main hobbies. I always dreamed of travelling the world eating the authentic dishes from each country. I do NOT mean McDonalds in 67 different languages. Yum Char has always been a favourite of mine but now I can't open my mouth enough to get food in with chopsticks and I totally refuse to tackle it with a knife and fork. I feel strange writing this as I have never verbalised any of this before, usually just say I'm fine or sometimes 'not the best today' and leave it at that. This site has opened me up so much. I don't care if no body reads this or everybody does, it is so liberating just admitting it all. Thanks guys just for being here and being a part of my journey.

it is very empowering to write it all down doesn't it?

I know my journal has helped, and it has built up my confidence too!

keep well and keep writing

Morning Bluebird, good to see you are comfortable getting it all out. Hugs to you.

morning bluebird, how are you this morning

Feeling a little better today. Got up early and had a shower which felt good. That is more than I've had the energy to do for the past few days. I have changed my doctors appointment again as I still don't feel up to driving. To be honest I would much rather be physically sick than emotionally. At least with the physical there are 'reasons' and 'remedies' but that isn't the case when the darkness descends. On the other hand I don't suffer a lot of pain and I am fully mobile most of the time. Maybe I would feel differently if that wasn't the case. I haven't been on here too much as I often don't really have a lot to say. I'm always available to listen though if anyone wants to talk. Just send me PM and I'll jump onto chat if I'm around. I am usually around. On the couch at present but am feeling quite worn out from the shower so may just snuggle down and have a nap. Take care anyone out there reading this and try to keep happy.

Good for you bluebird1, sometimes it is the small things like a nice shower and rest that help you through your day.,

Take care of you, first and foremost - but you know that ay?

I'll catch up with you on chat later today or tonight and see how you are faring.

Not much to say today except that there has been a lot of darkness in my hear the past couple of days. I have had a very bad case of the 'shoulds' and see only the negative about my home. Just the inside. I still feel uplifted when I look outside and see the paddocks and my darling four legged family out there. I know the darkness will pass and my home will look like a 'work in progress' again filled with my bits and pieces that I have collected over the years here and not a pit that needs so much TLC that it is not getting. I haven't felt very chatty so haven't contributed much but I have been reading everyones posts and feel very close in a way to all of you. Every single poster here has something to say that resonates with something I have been feeling. A lot of it is despair but also the words of hope that each one of us expresses at some stage. Thanks for letting me share in this forum and for being here for me and for each other.

Well it has been ages since I rambled in my mind. A lot has happened. I have changed depression meds and am not yet sure if they will do the trick or not though I must say I felt like sh-t when i woke this morning. Haven't been so bad in the morning for a long time, huddled up in foetal position with a total feeling of sheer dread. It passed pretty fast after I got up and made a coffee. My physical health has been going downhill fast and today I thought I may tell my daughter but then someone said something that made me thing my daughter may feel I was letting her down by being unwell. Love for family is meant to be unconditional but some seem to think that is is about 'them' only and everyone has to be happy, healthy and suppportive all the time or they may be seen as a thread to the security of the other person. Anyway while I was pondering what to do Alice wanted advice on doing a CV so she initiated the contact. I told her a little of what was going on and apolgised for moaning and spoiling her day and letting her down, something I would never have thought to do before. She said I wasn't moaning and that she didn't feel let down by my failing health or any thing else about me, she also pointed out that i always listened to her about whatever she wanted to moan about. I pointed out to her that I had signed up for my role as parent but she didn't sign on as a shoulder for her dizzy mother to cry on. Anyway we both said how much we loved each other at the end of the conversation and I ended up feeling so thankful that at least my daughter doesn't judge me by how convenient my health is to her but loves me regardless of anything. Sooo, now I feel reassured and i'm pretty sure my sons will have pretty much the same reaction. I won't share with my dad as he is 87 and although he still plays golf and swims and is very active I don't think he needs the stress of knowing his only child is in worse shape than he is. To be honest I am a bit scared but I'm determined to stick to my guns and stay in my beloved home with my beloved animals. Life wouldn't be worth nearly as much without a little pig and her good morning grunts and cuddles. Will ramble again soon as there is so much I have left out that I want to write down. Thanks for reading this whoever has taken the time.

Time for another ramble. Well the meds I started a few weeks ago have been working so well. I haven't felt in the least bit down for weeks now. The only thing that seems worse is my agoraphobia. The only time I leave the house is for docs appointments and I keeps changing them. I feel a bit bad about that as my new doc is so kind and has been so very good to me. Unfortunately she is only with the practise till Christmas but I have been lucky to have her. I am meant to be going to see her weekly but it stretches out to two or three weeks by the time I actually get it together to get myself down there and then ofcourse my car won't start as the batteries have gone flat yet again from not being used. My local garage is great with coming up with the jumper leads to grt me going. I can't get over how obliging people are and willing to help. I've always been so independent before so it is a very strange feeling to be so helpless. Anyhow, the past few weeks I have been in a pleasant cosy, comfortable, secure bubble. Nothing much has worried me but then I have pretty much shut myself off from anything that requires thought or any kind of action apart from things to do with my family, both two footed and four and my home. I have felt priviledged to be able to support a couple of people on here but even then I have withdrawn from supporting more than a few people and, even though one person in particular is so very needy, I just don't feel I have the energy just now to listen or offer support. I feel guilty in a way that I feel such a lack of sympathy or empathy for this person but for now I am thinking about what is good for me and I know withdrawing is what I need to do. Life on the whole feels good in a way though today I woke up feeling cheerful and that is scary. I like feeling comfortable and secure but any ups or downs are just too much to cope with at this moment. Cheerful is up and what goes up must come down. Just now I like the even, contented security I have felt lately, it has suited me just fine for now. Baby steps in rejoining the world is what I feel is needed for me. Once again thanks to anyone reading this, it is nice to share even in this fairly impersonal way.

Morning Bluebird, I am sooo pleased for you hun. Cheerful is good, very very good, so I hope you get to stay with it for some time.
I think you are doing the right thing for you. Sometimes we just need to give our energy to ourselves and please dont feel guilty that you are unable to support everyone, all of the time. There are many people here, able to offer support at times, so when we need a break, time for ourselves, its more than ok hun, to say I need to give myself some space and time. Take care my sweet.