My mind is muddled...

I don't know how i feel or what to think anymore..Its all so confusing and i can't stop crying....

It probably started a LONG time ago.. during my teens and now it has come to a head.. have never felt so muddled before....

I want to figure out how i feel..get back to being the strong, bubbly, confident woman of a few years ago.. not the blubbering mess of a person i am now. I want to enjoy life not just survive...it is passing me by year by year and i've gotten nowhere only created a bigger mess of my life every year...hurting my family and friends along the way....

I wouldn't be a friend of mine so how can i expect others to want to be my friend...

Enough muddle for now.. maybe more later!

what caused you to feel this (muddled)way Worried?

It is the nature of mind to get muddled.
Even Ordinary ppl experience muddles. Some ppl are acting;these are the ones you cant trust.

From here,
you seem to want answers, hoping that these answers will undo the muddle!
The answers you will be given will only add to the muddle in mind
and you will be no-better off,
I think!

From my experience of getting my nickers in a twist whilst having an emotional experience
it is best if you do something creative!
When we realise we are IN our mind
we have to throw the anchor overboard and make ourselves still as opposed to drifting.
I think you maybe adrift.

To become anchored, you could bake a Cake, make a Pie, do alittle gardening go for a run anything you love and in doing-so you will find that 'putting yourself out' in this way will solve your questioning monkeymind.
Answer monkeys questions and monkey will give you some more energy
to spin the wheel and increase the present turmoil.

As I see it, your lil-monkey is a friendly-fighter and is only doing this fun-thing to you
so that you get to distinquish what is Mind and What is the Real World.
By getting into the Real World,
you're back where you wanted to be.
Then, you will be happy,
out of your Mind.

love

Hi GM...

You are right.. i am looking for answers but not from anyone here. .the answer has to come from within, i am adrift right now.. you are right but i just can't anchor!..I've tried and tried but i'm sure that will come in time.

I've got to work through the muddle to figure out what i want and at the moment i don't know what i want cos all i see is a big black hole either way.. i don't want to hurt the person that matters most to me.. but if i stay as i am i am hurting myself...emotionally every single day..

I have taken to baking A LOT lately... never was a good cook but i find baking theraputic.. and its nice to see that i can create somthing delicious that people enjoy. It helps..went on a bit of baking overdrive last Saturday but it helped make me feel better...a bag of flour later!..

Tried painting.. theraputic at first but after a while it frustrated me.. so that stopped....

I want to get back to the real world..BUT i am so scared. I've gotten into a rut and i can't see a way out without breaking my heart and that of my beloved..who is also depressed but refusing help....

I want to support him.. i love him to bits but supporting him for the last few years has drained me.. but i love him and want to stay with him but now i am realising that for my healths sake i may have to leave.. but I DON'T WANT TO.

He is my world, my everything, i miss him when he's not around, i look forward to seeing him every single evening after work....but he cannot love and support me the way i need to be supported right now.. and i can't help him any more. God knows i've tried, tried so damn hard and i've gotten nowhere only worse myself. He has progressivly falledn deeper and deeper into his depression that he cant see that there is help available and IT WILL MAKE HIM FEEL A LITTLE BETTER AT LEAST.

I will get worse myself if i leave as i will worry about him every minute of every day and not being able to see him and make sure his is ok will break my heart. But if i stay..well if i stay I might not get better, maybe even continue to get worse...

Life is a merry go round but right now I cant see the right place to stop it and get back to steady ground.

I don't want to leave the man I truly deeply love because out relationship is in tatters because neither of us have been feeling well, BUT I need to look after myself and i know if he won't get the help he needs to get I have to put myself first. Its so scary after 6 years together to have to resort to leaving him when i DON'T want to for sanitys sake... He knows he needs help, he knows its there, he knows i will support him no matter what, but he just can't reach out and take that step. If he asks for help...it will all be real... and reality is not something he can relate to or wants to relate to this past year....

I know i'm rambelling but i need to.. its making me feel somewhat better.... Thanks all..

see,
if you send me your troubles
they are no-longer within your mind.
You are already lighter for it!
Check out, Writing oneself!

Good-one.

The relationship will heal itself
when you look into the structure of Co-dependance.

Study this and then beguin to put the things in practice
and all will come CLEAR!
You are a smart-cookie!
You will first heal yourself
and allow the relationship space.
Relationships require space.
Looking after number one first is the right way!
That way, you stay out of your Mind caring for yourself.
You give yourself space first!

Things are looking promising from Here in Farawayland.

..Hi GM...

I hope you are right.. if i heal myself maybe things will get better...I want so bad for 'us' to work...but at the moment we're in completet deadlock.

You are right i need to look into our co-dependance... we are in a rut and a confortable one at that..just like my bed...hmmm nice!...

I hope i am being smart GM.. i'm just muddling along and figuring out as i go... maybe space is what we need. I think it definitly is what we need...BUT.. i go a bit funny when I don't get to see him. I'm insecure without him in my life.. don't know why.. i miss him terribly when he is not around... oh i don't know anything any more...only that i DO NOT want to leave the man I love but i will do if I have to, to help us both feel better.

..Thank you so much for your kind words.. i really really appreciate it....xox

Morning Worried,
I can and do relate to much of what you are saying and feeling, so my heart goes out to you. Let me tell you a little of my journey which may hopefully help you in yours.
I loved someone dearly, whom I had to leave as it was the only way I could help heal myself. I didn't know that love could be so deep, until I meet this man, but with it came extreme pain watching his mental health and it impacted on me in a huge, huge way. My life as I knew it, didn't exist, I had no time or even room for me, little lone anyone else other than this man, whom I adored. Leaving for me (and for Peter) was the hardest and I do mean the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but for me, I had no other choice, I was going down in a screaming heap and had I not gone, truley, I don't know what would have happened. It was so incredibly hard, but both of us survived. I still love him, but I am no longer in love with him, nor do I have contact, but nobody can ever remove him from his place in my heart. Now I am back in charge/control of my life (well most of the time) and I know in my heart of hearts that it was the right decision.
This for you will be a very difficult decision. What I found was that even though I love him to death, I was not helping with his situation. I was enabling him to rely on me to provide much of what he needed to provide for himself, that being wellness. Leaving, was showing him love.
Maybe you could sit down and tell your partner everything you have told us here and allow him to make a decision based on that, he either seeks help, or you seek refuge for yourself. It maybe that you will find that you are both co dependant, something I had never considered in my situation, but I was and breaking that dependancy gave me my life back. Good luck to you and your partner.
Trying to sort everything at once is impossible, try to sort one thing at a time. When we connect with ourselves, we know what is mind.
I hope that the book you have just purchased will help you connect and give you power and love for yourself. It will certainly give you some strenght.
Take care, and remember sometimes the best things are not the easiest things. Pam

Worried wrote:..Hi GM...

I hope you are right.. if i heal myself maybe things will get better...I want so bad for 'us' to work...but at the moment we're in completet deadlock.

You are right i need to look into our co-dependance... we are in a rut and a confortable one at that..just like my bed...hmmm nice!...

I hope i am being smart GM.. i'm just muddling along and figuring out as i go... maybe space is what we need. I think it definitly is what we need...BUT.. i go a bit funny when I don't get to see him. I'm insecure without him in my life.. don't know why.. i miss him terribly when he is not around... oh i don't know anything any more...only that i DO NOT want to leave the man I love but i will do if I have to, to help us both feel better.

..Thank you so much for your kind words.. i really really appreciate it....xox

We can Learn to make-space with-in relationships!

At times a small departure from The Beloved is neccessary,
as the mind becomes Stuck-in-the-Groove, words automattically spoken
naturally become deadened,
devoid of lifes efferescence.

A small break can mean an agreed holiday in opposite directions for the weekend, go in separate directions unknown to the other
making sure to meet immediately after,
with your newly-found honesty.

Reveal what you have found about your Relationship difficulties,
one at a time.

Making space is like learning to listen for the first time....
and saying nothing;not even thinking it.
When you are thro,
allow the other to say their peace, honestly.

Giving space to the other we realise
silence is GOLDEN
in the Company of Love!

Hi and thank you so much for your thoughtful posts.

Today i feel tired and down..the day dragged on and on and on..i thought i'd never get out of work..Have not had a productive week at all and i know it is being noticed at work... hopefully next week will be better...

Maybe some space would do us the world of good... maybe a trial seperation.... maybe maybe maybe.. there are no right or wrong answers..

Heard a piece on the radio this morning about what are the signs a man is a keeper..well my man ticked almost all of the boxes...I know in my heart i do not want to leave him, but i also know that he is so down at the moment that he cannot see how much his lack of attention and love is breaking my heart. His easy answer to everything is for me to 'just leave' and 'do what is best for me'...well what is best for me is for him to reach out and get some help to get better-and become the man i fell in love with. I know people change but since he became depressed, i just can't talk to him about any of the problems in our relationship without him telling me to 'just leave' or saying 'if I can't love myself how can i love you'...the most hurtful thing is that i love him so so deeply that it hurts so bad to think that he will throw everything away instead of just helping himself- if he feels better in himself then i will feel better because i won't be so worried about him, and maybe he will be in a better place to start the journey of our sorting out our relationship.

It seems so easy for him to say 'just leave' I know he doesn't mean it but after all our time together and the fact that we still love one another so so much it seems so damn flippant of him. Like he doesn't care about me and my feelings at all. He says that he says it out of love, i know he thinks that he has caused all my problems and feels guilty because i am now depressed and he thinks i would be better off without him. The truth is i think i will crumble into bits without him. I'm such a romantic..i really believe if two people truly love one another anything can be overcome....

Maybe i am a silly fool , maybe i'm holding out to get the man i fell in love with back and he won't ever come back. Maybe it will never get better, but maybe it will. I live in hope everyday..i dream of the evening i will come home and he will tell me that he has been to see the doctor...because he loves me and doesn't want our relationship to end because of the stupid, damn, #$%^&*()$%^&*( depression.

Ok enough for now, can hardly see computer screen the tears are so bad,..

Hugs hun,
I have had that very phraise said to me and I understand the share pain for you. Hun, he is not at all wanting to hurt you, he is in such a dreadful place, that at the moment, not being able to love himself, means he has little or no love to share with others. When he tells you to leave, yep, he probably does do that out of love, warped as it may seem to you when you know the love you have. I remember the first time I was able to sit and talk to my man after we seperated, seeing the tears in his eyes as he tried to explain, I knew then, I had been his world, he was just in a very bad space and things were not going to get better, until he was able to get honest with himself and his doctors.. He knew, and he was correct, the pain he was putting me through, but his only way at the time was to protect himself and to withdraw from everyone around him which also included me. Yes it does hurt, it hurts so bloody deeply, but you can come through this, but you must look after yourself. Hugs.

Thanks Peterpam, your support and insight into my situation has been fantastic....

Now time for a rant... I am so so so damn angry, how dare the stupid depression hurt my man and i so damn much.

How dare this ugly horrible thing take hold of us, and everyone here and make life so much harder then it has to be. How dare it take away the man i love from me, steal him and make him not want to come back to me.... oh i am mad mad mad.....


So many lives destroyed by this terrible terrible thing... thank god for Doctors who can help me and others get through the day.

Depression you have stolen my happy man, the happy me.. go away you are not wanted and never come back again. I hate you and do not ever want to have anything to do with you ever ever again. You take hold of peoples lives-as if life is not difficult enough. Oh i hate you so much. You have made my life so hard, you have crushed our hopes and dreams. My partner and i don't even have goals/dreams/aspirations anymore- getting through the day/week/year is as far as much as we can manage...how dare you take this away from us. I now have a new aspiration- to get you out of my damn life because you have screwed me and my partner up so much. F*** off depression you are NOT WANTED.

Apologies to anyone if this posts offends or hurts them. I needed to rant and rave- the anger still hasn't gone, i feel like kicking and screming and ranting and raving... and crying and noh i don't know.. kicking the sh*** out of you...depression because you should be banished from this earth-leave people alone-nobody wants you.

Men need Men to share with.
It helps a bloke to hear another blokes story.

Men take in what is said when another tells of the WAY
they have worked-out their ailments,
including HOW THEY DEALT with depressions blow!


NEVER FORGET,
depression will yield a GIFT
if you challenge it!

Hi GM...

Yet another fab post....

He will not talk to anyone..about his problems only me.... He wouldn't want to expose his vunerability to any of his male friends-even those he has been friends with since childhood...

If only he would join this forum- i've e-mailed him some extracts i thought he might find interesting from this forum and told him where to go to find the forum.. hopefully he has/will at least look at some of the posts here, even if he doesn't participate-it took me a full month to pluck up the courage to post and i'm a-lot more talkative then himself!

As for depression yeilding a gift- I hope so it would want to do something positive-its screwed enough up!

Thanks for your interesting insight!xx

I understand him alot!.
We Men are definately firm at first;we have to be,
our security is dependant on Being Strong.
There's also guilt to be faced up-to.
When we are strong we hurt others,make fun of others and although we dont know,Karma is functioning at the level of thought also.

There is a Swammi in India who works with children and has dedicated His life to Education of the poor.
The incredible thing is He teaches children HOW to think.

He recognised the world over, that no culture has taught proper thinking to their children;All Children think of course but they cannot get themselves organised and effective;Children have no basic foundation in thought to build upon.

BASIC meaning Grounding,
GROUNDED IN THEIR POWER!

When a Child is taught HOW TO think they grow up to become Masters of their Mind and grow to become Leaders in their Community.
Swammi has created and leads two schools in this degree and is helping ppl all over the world.

I spent three days with this Swammi when He came to stay here a few months back,
to teach Yoga at the local HEALING-HALL.

A finely-bred young man of sleek build and moves like a Gazeal!

I will seek out His book name and ISB number so that you both can utilise this incredible information.

Hi GM..

Thanks for the post. It is true-if as children we learned to manage our thoughts we'd all be alot better off, and obviously much better equipped to handle the strains of life.

I love to read and would be very grateful if you could source the details of this book. Whether or not i could get 'himself' to read it is another matter altogether...he says he is just not into that 'mumbo jumbo'..'other people telling you how to live your life and such related crap''...It is just that he has become very narrow minded as his depression worsened and will not open up his mind to anything that may or may not help. But i will try.. i will do ANYTHING for this man... even reading to him while he sleeps if that works!!!

verysmart in deed......
I will send Him the book information soon
and you can slowly read him to sleep....each night.

Sometimes having someone reading to you its much easier to understand as the Bodymind is more relaxed, therefore open to interiorisation.

Men learn easiest this way.

They put aside their adult-conditioning and love the soft healing murmerings
of their woman purring beside them.

Watch-out though,
He maybecome aroused and plant one on ya!lol

Morning Worried I hope you slept well. Just a thought, I know you have freinds staying, but why not use this time to your benefit. Could you maybe take them away for a couple of days, somewhere nice and relaxing where you too can take some time off.
Hugs

greasemonkey wrote:verysmart in deed......
I will send Him the book information soon
and you can slowly read him to sleep....each night.

Sometimes having someone reading to you its much easier to understand as the Bodymind is more relaxed, therefore open to interiorisation.

Men learn easiest this way.

They put aside their adult-conditioning and love the soft healing murmerings
of their woman purring beside them.

Watch-out though,
He maybecome aroused and plant one on ya!lol

Sounds good to me!!!

peterpam wrote:Morning Worried I hope you slept well. Just a thought, I know you have freinds staying, but why not use this time to your benefit. Could you maybe take them away for a couple of days, somewhere nice and relaxing where you too can take some time off.
Hugs

Would be great to take them away but can't get any time off work.. maybe we could arrange something for next Fri/Sat night.. I'll put my thinking cap on.. cheers for the suggestion.

Slept well...have been exhausted this week but mind on overdrive... needed to catch up so only just up of of bed now but gald to see that it is a beautiful day and i will hopefully manage to get the lawn cut!

Thanks again..i'm off to kick start my day..hubby hungover after a night at the pub with the boys....our guests hungover... AND I"M NOT!!!Yippeee!!..For once i feel bettert then the others around me!

Hope everyone has a good day!xox

Sounds as if you are starting to sort things out Worried. I haven't said much because I think Peterpam and GM are saying it all for me. So far I haven't thought of a single thing to add. Thinking of you and looking forward to sharing your journey on this site.

Morning..oops Afternoon, GM & Bluebird..

Thank you all for your imput and kind words..

My journal is my place to work though my muddled thoughts..and i always look forward to everyones insight once I have had a ramble here.

It took me a full month to pluck up the courage to post here..now that i have started I can't stop!- Should have started my journey here months ago..but at least I HAVE started my journey and i am really pleased to have everyone here come along and share in my journey. At the moment i'm focusing on me and my thoughts..thats why i haven't posted on anyone elses journals/posts.. i think it would be an information overload at the moment, but hopefully as i travel through this journey of my mind i can too help others here through their journeys..

Love & Hugs to all..xox

hi worried,

I am pleased this site is helping you. It sure has helped me!

And yes by being here you have helped others, myself included.

Hope you are ok today.

Evening all.. today has been a good day..partly because i kept myself busy all day long, and partly because i had a good nights sleep last night.. which brings me to todays muddled mind thoughts...

I had a dream last night that my partner and i got married. We have discussed marriage in the past..ie that it would happen some day..but no actual plans to get married in the immediate future..

So to my dream...we were going to get married because getting married would help my partner get better. It was a rushed wedding and only those who could make it on time were there...my mom wasn't there as she couldn't make it on time for the cermony???..My partner was wearing his work clothes (he works in agriculture so they were all stained in grease)..I can't remember what i was wearing but my hair was only thrown together and a slap of make-up on and i was ready. The cermony was really rushed.. and it was only then that we realised that we had no wedding rings.... the person marrying us never mentioned rings so we 'got married' without them- when it came to the 'you may now kiss your bride'...my partner gave me the most sensual kiss ever??...

After the cermony i remember sitting beside his mother..who told me that it was ok to get married without a ring and she produced a brochure of wedding rings..i picked out the rings..without looking at the sizes.. they suddenly appeared in her hand and she gave them to me...i put them down on the table and talked to her for a few minutes. When i went to pick them up they had disappeared???...

It had to have been the strangest dream ever...rings symbolise eternity..etc..does this mean that I do not think our relationship is for eternity?..that i want it to be for eternity (hence my search for rings and disappointment when they disappeared)...but that it isn't or won't be?.. Does it mean that i would compromise my hopes and dreams of a white wedding with a pretty dress (and a good hair day) for the man i love- just to make him better, even though it is not what i REALLY want.

Does this mean that i am truly in love with my partner but have been sacrificing my own happiness to do so?..Because that is what has been happening in reality- i'd do anything for him, and in some ways i'm truly happy and in others i'm not 100% fulfilled.

My mom not being at 'the wedding' also has seriosu significance..i have been given the distinct impression that she doesn't think my partner good enough for me this past year- she and he faught last time they met (about 2 months ago) and haven't spoken since... She would never tell me that I'm making a mistake or what i should or shouldn't do..but knowing that she doesn't approve of our relationship has obviously been playing on my subconscious...She only disapproves because she can see that I have not been well these past months and she blames him for my not being myself. She is only looking out for me, trying to protect her daughter, and i lash out at her for not wanting him in my life- because as i see it- he is my life. I'd be lost without him and probably much worse then i am now with him in my life...

OR maybe i'd be perfectly fine without him and i'd get back to being the strong independant woman i was without him.. but that is a risk i'm not ready to take at the moment....

Enough rambelling for now.. your opinions and insight into my crazy dream would be appreciated...xxx

Your mother does not need to think outside of the square, she knows you for you and who you were. Don't be disappointed with your mum, she is looking out for you and can see things that you don't at the moment. Hug her and say thanks.
You say you were strong, now your not, think about that. Yes, I would think you are truley in love with your partner, but you need to question at what cost. What you need to understand is, YOU by yourself, can not heal him, he needs to want to do this for himself and if he can, then you have a chance.
I so hope things will get better for you both, hugs.

...Why is it that on TV-Like on Home and Away, people who are in love can just simply break up without showing the immence pain involved!

Stupid TV- makes us all think that life can be so damn easy...well it is NOT easy... talk about giving us all false hopes... fairytale weddings...perfect families...easy lives, no money problems...like really how did Rachel from Friends manage to dress so smartly on a Waitresses salary..AND live in a city centre apartment...none of them ever had to say..sorry i can't go for coffee b/cos i can't afford it!...

Maybe i am a silly girl, brought up on fantasy..my favourite film is Beauty and the Beast- i must have watched it a thousand times as a kid... I know life can be good, but not to fairytale standards....but life definitly has to be better then it is right now...