My mind is muddled...

Hi all...

Thank you for your lovely relpies.. and the fact is that ye are ALL right.... but i just don't want to accept it.

I got dragged to a party last night- girls night out- within an hour i was in floods of tears in the bathroom... I am in no way ready for social situations right now, but i went along with a positive attitude. UNfortunatlely this did not last long. All i could think while i was there..was that now i've decieded to move out.. and that will be happening in a few weeks..why am i not spending what time i can with my partner and not sitting with a bunch of giggly girls who are getting drunker by the smell of Gin....I wasn't drinking because of Meds. So i was miserable and made my way home..where i had another great conversation with my partner.

I understand him better now, but i have more to learn. There have been lots of revelations over the past couple of months about my partner that i am finding difficult to digest. I am not hurt about the revelations, i'm hut about the fact that i have shared my life with him for the past 6 years and did NOT truly know the man i was with. I am hurt by the fact that he has seen me go downhill emotionally over the past year or so.. all because i could not understand him, and he could not pay me the respect of sitting me down and explaining his problems to me. All i wanted was to understand why... I was blaming myself, i cried and cried in front of him and he did not have the 'balls' to put him out there and explain why... I don't care what turns him on.. i just want to know WHAT turns him on as strange and all as it may be. I just wanted to understand and he let me spend years worrying about 'us' and our life together, i've felt rejection so many times, i was hurt and confuses and all i needed was an explainations and you could not do that for me.. the one you love?....

I would do anything for you... If i had no hands or legs but you needed me to climb Mt Everest... i'd do it for you. All i needed was an explaination... but you were afraid you would loose me if you told me the truth... YOU WOULD NOT HAVE LOST ME...but you may loose me now because you have spent the last 6 years, hiding, not being honest and lying to me. THESE are the things that upset me so much more then your 'problem' which did not have to turn into a 'problem' if i had been told about it years ago. Yes I do not understand how you feel- I have wanted to understand how you feel with the past six years- IT IS NOT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL- it is just that i am sick of trying to figure you out- the only reason you have told me about your 'problem' is because my counsellor figured it out. If i had not confronted you about it you would never have told me about it and you would have watched me become even more of a mess of a person over the years, because you were being selfish and not wanting to loose me. Well you have possibly lost me know because you have hurt me so much by not telling me - you had plenty of opportunities, plenty of chances- you have had years. I feel like a fool that i did not realise what was going on, that it took for my counsellor to suggest this to me and for me to finally realise that the puzzle was now completed after years of crying, worrying, rejection, HURT. But now the puzzle is completed i still do not understand it. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND IT i really do but ONLY you can expain it to me.

I feel betrayed, like you were cheating on me for years, like all you cared about was yourself and your selfishness by not telling me when you could see it was tearing me apart. I DO NOT WANT TO LOOSE YOU but you need to realise that i can't do what you want me to do. I need more from you and if you are not willing to do something about that- you then must realise that the 'problem' is ACTUALLY BIGGER THEN YOU THINK. You should want to do ANYTHING to keep me in your life - you have lied to me for years-hence proving that you would do anything to keep me in your life. NOW it is time to take action and make sure i do not walk out of your life... BUT WILL YOU DO IT. If you do not then we will all know that this thing is more important them me... and that i can't deal with. My heart is breaking every day..please do something to prove to me that you love me as much as i love you because i do not want to loose my best friend..don't break my heart anymore, just get help. I know it sounds like i'm asking you to change your skincolour from white to black with an extremely painful surgery, but i need you to do this for me...and more importantly for YOU. MY LOVE FOR YOU IS SO DEEP THAT I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY SOME DAY-I WANT YOU TO BE A GREAT HUSBAND AND FATHER- but if you do not look after this problem-that you love, then you will never get the things you want out of life. I don't want you to end up a lonely old man because you were too stubborn to get help.

Do this for YOU, do this for ME, do this for US

greasemonkey wrote:

FEAR of LETTING GO!


" i just don't want to accept it."

by letting-go everything goes and life is free again.
Scarey for some aye!

Petrifing, scary, unthinkable...almost, big black wall.. i don't want to accept it and i will go to the ends of the earth to make it better then accept it.

...you have ripped my heart out, stomped on it for years and now you are throwing a big bloody mess back in my face...and THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE LOVE?????????

Hey worried, surely you can find a few more. Get it out hun, it will make you stronger.

peterpam wrote:Hey worried, surely you can find a few more. Get it out hun, it will make you stronger.

Lol..i am angry.. so damn mad, mad at how the man i love so so so much who i thought was a kind caring man has hidden things for years and years and not been honest with me and saw the pain i was/am going through and it took for me to spring him to admit things to me. To give me the opportunity to understand him.

I TRUSTED YOU, LOVED YOU, DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU, AND YOU DID NOT PAY ME THE RESPECT OF BEING HONEST WHEN YOU COULD SEE MY HEART WAS BEING RIPPED FROM MY CHEST.

YOUR JOB WAS TO PROTECT MY HEART NOT TO BREAK IT. NOW I'VE A BROKEN HEART AND I'VE TO TRY AND FIX IT ALL ON MY OWN.. HEART IS NOT JUST BROKEN.. ITS F*****..IN SH*** AND NOW I'VE THIS BIG MESS TO CLEAN UP-THANKS ALOT. IF THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR YEARS OF LOYALTY, LOVE AND AFFECTION..CHEERS... I'M SO DAMN MAD AND HURT. I AM A FOOL, STUPID AND NOW I'M STUCK I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU BECAUSE DESPITE ALL THIS I STILL LOVE YOU...AND I CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF GOING THROUGH ANY MORE PAIN.. I'M JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH... MY CONFIDENCE IS IN SH*** I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL EVER FUNCTION AGAIN- AND YES THIS IS YOUR FAULT-EVEN IF YOU THINK I AM JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD I AM NOT IT IS THE TRUTH- AND THE TRUTH HURTS MATE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO SCREAM........AND ROAR AND HIT AND KICK...AND SCREAM.............................................................................

mmm,
this sort of cathartic outburst is good,
when you also give yourself the peace that comes after the event.

So Many Ppl miss the point of chucking-out the pain
and then start blamming others
for their venture into the heart.

Venturing into our own heart is healing.

We must do this to heal ourselves
and Mature ready to Love again.

Remember, at the end of a session
sink-into the delicious peace that is there
when you have emptied outand exhausted all pain!

Hi Worried,

I have been thinking of you since we had a chat. I see you are lettin gsome anger out - good on you, its a step towards healing.
Its sad how you were searching for a man who would never physically hurt you but you have ended up with a man who has emotionally hurt you.

You are right when you say he needs to take some responsibility for not only himself but also your pain for it has come from him and his actions.

I hope he is reading your journal and it snaps him into making some decisions.
All the best Worried, hope to chat soon

Floss x

Hi all..just a quick note to let you all know that i have not disappeared.. have had alot on my plate recently..work/guests from overseas etc..

Have an update almost ready to post.. things good, well actually things really great for me these past couple of weeks.. feeling much much better.

Hugs to all!xx

That you are feeling much much better is the very best news you could give us. Take care and hope to chat again when things quieten down in your life a little.

Worried wrote:Hi all..just a quick note to let you all know that i have not disappeared.. have had alot on my plate recently..work/guests from overseas etc..

Have an update almost ready to post.. things good, well actually things really great for me these past couple of weeks.. feeling much much better.

Hugs to all!xx

Take your time,
enjoy the freedom of allowing things to come
in their own time
is the Way!

Hi Everyone...

Oh what a flipping rollercoaster ride the past few months have been...up..up....up...up....crash bang..down...down...down...ok...getting better....getting better....good...crash bang......ok....ok....ok....up...down...up..down...ok...ok...down..up...down..up...down... and the cycle continues...

Sometimes i just want to sleep and sleep at least when i sleep i cannot feel the sadness...

I know i've been missing alot...like LOTS and i'm sorry, i thought i had things under control..was almost completely off my meds...then it all went belly up..

I'm lucky my partner has been fantastic..he understands when i'm down i need extra tlc and when i'm good there is no need to fuss... I did some counselling, it was good, then got referred to a psych..i didn't go.. I was scared, i suppose i never in my wildest dreams invisaged being 'like this' or the person with depression... I don't know how to explain it, maybe i just can't accept that i've got this horrible horrible thing to deal with everyday not knowing when i wake each morning how i'm going to feel and what could trigger a panick attack, or my crying my eyes out.. and i'm so damn tired of it...

If only this rollercoaster ride would just slow down, just for a few min so i could feel 'normal'..then again what the hell does 'normal' feel like...what am i like 'normally'..who the 'f***' am i?..what do i like and dislike?..i don't even know myself because it changes so damn often. I've started telling people about my depression (people i know) and its amazing some don't give a shit and say nothing, others pity me.. i suppose i just need people to know that if i'm strange with them, dismissive, cranky or moody they might just understand that i'm having a bad day.

THERE IS ONE GOOD THING that has come from my depression.. i have been able to help a friend understand how her husband is feeling....he too has depression and hopefully my insight can help her help him by possibly understanding him better.

Well i'm ok today, maybe a bit down, but not too crappy, just felt like i needed to start writing again, hope everyone isn't p***** that i took off 6 months ago without a word and that i'm back now...

W,

I don't usually post in folks Journal pages, but ...

This place, that we call TBBD - Its Your Place too hon. Don't you dare feel like you have to apologise for not being here for a while. All that matters, is your wellbeing, not how often you log in here.

Sorry you're in crap times, but hey, Welcome Back, hon - from ya TBBD family
(which when I think of it, makes the Adams Family suddenly seem very um, run of the mill, pffft)

Paddy.

Hello all...
LOOONNNG time no chat
My last post here was April 2010.. and i suppose i'm back here to maybe give hope to some people here that there is some light at the end of that long horrible tunnel.
The past couple of years have been an emotional rollercoaster for me, but i'm happy to report that i'm feeling much much better. Have been off my meds since June 2010...i'm in no way 'cured' of my depression but i'm coping a hell of alot better.
It all started with a move back to Ireland...i didn't think i was homesick or that living away from home was getting to me as much as it actually was. Its nice to have family and some friends around to share the burden of everyday life...all was going well...i was off my meds and thought life could not get any better....
Was feeling very stress still so i started going for weekly massages which helped me feel better about myself and helped relieve the tension in my shoulders.
The problem was that i was throwing myself into work, focusing all my attention on working as hard as i could possibly work in our family business. With alot of pressure from my father might i add..
By May 2011 I litterally collapsed with exhaustion..i mean fell to the ground ..out of it...Doc prescribed three weeks solid rest...
THEN THE BANG...
During this time i had TIME TO THINK..dangerous stuff...and i realised that there was something in the back of my mind that had been eating away at me for years and years...and a SUDDEN LIGHT BULB MOMENT...what had happened was NOT MY FAULT. This lead to sleepless nights, anxiety, stress and heaps of upset. I was ten times 'worse' then when i was in the 'height' of what was my depression. After a couple of days of this i decided to seek help....i couldn't cope, i wasn't able to function and suffering with exhaustion wasn't helping the moods or my coping functions...if such a thing exists....
THEN the day that changed my life happened...i went to see a counsellor who specialises in dealing with people who were sexually abused as children...I was terrified, trembelling, shaking, full of fear...cos admitting this to anyone meant admitting this to MYSELF.
9 months later and i'm still going to counselling...its the longest spell of counselling i've ever done. Not only has she helped me with all the baggage about my being abused, she's helped me with family issues, relationship issues, social issues...thats so far...we've yet to get to the bottom of self esteem and confidence, awareness of feelings etc.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I LEARNED...self care....looking after myself...there were days when even showering was a struggle...now i paint my nails!!!!....She taught me to love myself, to take pride in myself, to be happy with who I am...
She also recommended a personal development course to me...i'm still attending, its basically like group counselling..i've learned stress management skills, assertive communication skills, but MOST OF ALL i've learned that i'm not a freak..that the way i feel and react to situations is exactly like how MOST people feel in the same situations and MOST peoples reactions are the same as mine also.
I had a bad day today, i felt lonely, unloved and uncared for...i still have bad days...but the number of bad days versus good days has switched to being more good days.
I carried baggage about my childhood for far too long, i endured the stress of this as a child and teenager...BUT I SURVIVED...at a cost..my mental health...but i'm looking after myself now..and my mental health...
And i feel good...really good....well a hell of alot better....when i look back at my previous posts here it reminds me of where i've come from and how far i've come...i still recognise some of the same fears etc....but you know what i'm working on them and i'm so happy i am.
ALSO 'worried' my username no longer applies... before all this counselling, self care and personal development i used to be consumed with worrry...it used to eat me up..someone once said to me...'Worry is a pointless activity..its like rocking on a rocking chair..its hard work but it gets you nowhere'..i didn't get it at the time...i couldn't understand how others could not worry..or worry alot less then me... but however i've managed it..i don't worry as much as i used to...not everything worries me now..i still worry, but the worry doesn't control my life.
I'm still on that rollercoaster...but now i've got a remote control for the speed it goes or i can switch it off from time to time....
I'm writing this for me so i can see how far i've come...and its good to get things out... and i'm also writing this for you on here...maybe just maybe my story that shows that life may get better will help someone here!
..oh and seing as there was so much in my previous posts about my partner...we survived too...still together, still happpy..ish...still got issues to sort but i'm getting there...and we are getting there!

oh my oh my...how time flies....

Hello to everyone, just said i'd pop back in with a further update....

I've read through all my past posts here...what a rollercoaster to read, emotional and in a way it's been healing. I can't seem to believe how far I've come from when I first started this journal here. I've made a major change in my life in the past year, I split up with my partner. Its amazing but I knew that this is something I would probably have to do back in 2009, it took me until 2013 to be fully ready to make this move... I wrote back then that I might become the strong independent woman I once was without him... well I was right, I still have my bad days, but in general i'm thriving. I've changed my career and spent the last year in school training to become a beauty therapist...something I've always had an interest in. I'm not falling apart without my ex... I still love him very much and there are days that I miss him lots and feel sad and upset and then there are other days when I feel like i'm absolutely thriving...

The beauty of all of this is that our friendship has remained intact, we meet regularly for a chat and this is something i'm delighted about, its been 9 months since our split and we've managed to stay part of one another's lives. But at the same time i'm dating...I've laughed over some of the disasters, had butterflies in my tummy for the first time in years and I've experienced the thrill of a first kiss, first date, the phone beeping with a txt from that guy.... well it did then...I got rid of him... lol.... that is the beauty of what I've experienced, I know now what I want and don't want in a partner, I know what I want and don't want in my life.

When I started this journal I was confused, felt like my life was on a rollercoaster, and last time I posted I mentioned that I had a remote control and could control the rollercoaster...well now I feel like i'm not even near the rollercoaster... i'm happy now that I feel fully in control of my life, I've got an exciting new career, sure I've got to start from scratch again and that is daunting, but its also exciting, i'm going to live my life for me and only me. I'm no longer dependant on someone else for my own happiness, I understand now that I need to make me happy, and love myself... I bought myself a beautiful ring for Christmas, this was a symbol for me that I loved myself, and I look at it on my hand everyday and remind myself that I love myself and never to forget this...

I'm rambling here...I've always been good at a ramble... I like to occasionally look back at my writings here to remind myself where I've come from, how far I've come and give myself a good pat on the back for all the hard work its taken me to get to where I am today... I still have to meditate, I still go to counselling, I've enrolled in a Mindfulness based stress reduction course, I know that my mental health is something I need to look after and take care of.. this is something I didn't even realise back when I started this thread, through self care I've managed to keep myself on a relatively even keel...I've ditched the meds, I can now have a few drinks on a night out and not feel like hell the following day... I love who I've become...the real me that was hidden inside all the hurt, anger and worry just a few short years ago. I value myself, I still have some confidence issues, but I think in time that'll work out too...as will my tall dark and handsome prince charming!!!...lol...well we can all dream!!!!   

I'm writing this for me... i'm not writing to gloat that i'm now feeling better, i'm so very grateful to everyone here who helped me along my journey, in my deepest darkest hours I felt like I had somewhere safe to go to explore my feelings, my fears and my innermost thoughts... i'm here to remind myself of where I've come from, how far I've come. BUT if there is anyone out there actually reading this... well there is light at the end of that big black tunnel, it might not be there right now... it might seem like it will never be there and trust me I've been there and its crap being in that place...my only advice is to stick at it...something as simple as going for a shower, or a good nights sleep or a cuppa tea might help you feel better...I started with these small things...

Take care all and thank you so much for being here... xox