LC - Thoughts of the mind

Alone gives to much time to think and dwell on things, alone is even lonelier than when you are in a group of people and feel alone.

What most excites me?? I am sure that at one stage I would of been able to answer that. At the present stage nothing excites me.

goody.
A time to head within
where all excitement arises from.
At some stage in everyones life
the Soul calls for discovery.
Not the soul that religion trys to sell us from pulpits but the soul
who speaks inside us at special moments
when all is quiet!

When youre alone learn to soften the questioning mind so that aloneness is
a pleasant experience.
Only the minds driver wants excitement, and when the ego is low
thats when you are closest to your maker.

Google,
dark night of the Soul
and become aquainted what happens to all lost people
sooner or Later.
They come up triumpant!

I don't know quite where I am at at the moment. Today I've been feeling quite light headed/dizzy and so didn't manage much at work, managed to do 4 hours. I feel on the verge of tears and not sure why, felt that way yesterday as well but yet don't seem to have a reason for it?? So I'm not fully with it, Rob said I was dazed tonight, he asked me the same question 3 times before I was able to actually answer him

I went to bed earlier, fell asleep, but only slept for just over an hour then woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, so here I am.

I feel confused, over what I do not know.
My mind feels 'foggy', why I do not know.
I feel like I want to burst into tears, why??
I'm feeling a tad hungry, but not hungry enough to eat if that makes sense (and yes I have eaten properly today)

I am thinking that these are maybe side effects of the medication and they've just taken a while to come out. Who knows?? I go back to Henry Bennett on Monday to get discharged and talk to them and doc and such, but from what I am aware the meds I've been put on are pretty new into NZ so maybe they won't be able to help either - the docs that is.

While talking to mum on the phone last night, I was trying to explain the sort of place I'm in, and am thinking that maybe if I explained it like this to the store and office manager at our next week (the 3 of us meet every Wednesday so I can let them know how I'm going and they let me know about grocery etc) then maybe they might understand it a bit more. One of the questions I find the hardest from is 'how long till you'll be back?' the other one is 'how can we help?'.

So I explained it to mum kinda like this:

There's a hole in the ground, thousands of miles deep, you've fallen into this hole, all you see is darkness around you, because you are so far down the light doesn't reach in, there looks to be no way up. You've got to somehow find a way to climb up and into the light, but you can only do it slowly, if you rush it you risk falling back to the bottom, which means that it is a slow and careful journey upwards.

I am still in the hole, but I'm no longer at the bottom, I'm maybe a quarter of the way up, I can see a hint of light, but there is still a long way to go to get to the top again. This needs to be taken in slow baby steps to carefully maneuver my way back. How long will this take?? How long is a piece of string??

You have explained that really well little daffodil. It sounds as if you have a good enough relationship with the people at work to be open with them by telling that story. Good luck. Judy

Thats a really great analogy LC. I find analogy's like that to be really helpful.

Thanks, yea they can be helpful, and I think in a way it makes it maybe a bit easier for someone who hasn't had much dealings with a mental illness to understand where one is coming from in a small way maybe.

logical-cents wrote:While talking to mum on the phone last night, I was trying to explain the sort of place I'm in, and am thinking that maybe if I explained it like this to the store and office manager at our next week (the 3 of us meet every Wednesday so I can let them know how I'm going and they let me know about grocery etc) then maybe they might understand it a bit more. One of the questions I find the hardest from is 'how long till you'll be back?' the other one is 'how can we help?'.

So I explained it to mum kinda like this:

There's a hole in the ground, thousands of miles deep, you've fallen into this hole, all you see is darkness around you, because you are so far down the light doesn't reach in, there looks to be no way up. You've got to somehow find a way to climb up and into the light, but you can only do it slowly, if you rush it you risk falling back to the bottom, which means that it is a slow and careful journey upwards.

I am still in the hole, but I'm no longer at the bottom, I'm maybe a quarter of the way up, I can see a hint of light, but there is still a long way to go to get to the top again. This needs to be taken in slow baby steps to carefully maneuver my way back. How long will this take?? How long is a piece of string??

I know this space well...
you write good too!

When i was last in this deep hole place
during meditation
a light came upwards to me,
out of the darkest space below,
which i bared down upon and didnt release.
I became full of blissfullness and since then
havnt touched an antidepressant.

Continue to be gentle with your self.
Its the only way through,
but stay open to the light which comes from the open direction,
the inner light which is hundreds of times brighter than our Sun!
with love.
gm

The funeral yesterday was good, well as good as a funeral can be you know. Us from New World took up pretty much one whole side of the church, was maybe about 3/4 of that side. Few tears at some of the things his family and friends said but nothing major. Then came to the end and as they started to take the casket down the isle, that's when I really started crying, couldn't stop. When we got back to work spent my last 30mins sitting up stairs. It wasn't just the loss of Craig that I was crying over, it had brought back memories of my Uncle's funeral 4 years ago, my miscarriage last year, the fact that we nearly despite all the battles Grandad has had with cancer we nearly lost him to his heart last year and the fact that this time next year Nana may not be around any more. And then I go and apoligise to Harley for being upset (stupid mind). Poor guy is the second time I've been in tears in front of him. We had a bit of a talk upstairs after I'd calmed down too which was good.

logical-cents wrote:The funeral yesterday was good, well as good as a funeral can be you know. Us from New World took up pretty much one whole side of the church, was maybe about 3/4 of that side. Few tears at some of the things his family and friends said but nothing major. Then came to the end and as they started to take the casket down the isle, that's when I really started crying, couldn't stop. When we got back to work spent my last 30mins sitting up stairs. It wasn't just the loss of Craig that I was crying over, it had brought back memories of my Uncle's funeral 4 years ago, my miscarriage last year, the fact that we nearly despite all the battles Grandad has had with cancer we nearly lost him to his heart last year and the fact that this time next year Nana may not be around any more. And then I go and apoligise to Harley for being upset (stupid mind). Poor guy is the second time I've been in tears in front of him. We had a bit of a talk upstairs after I'd calmed down too which was good.

excellent....
grief of this magnitude is really cleansing aye!

The most wonderfull thing I like about crying is it softens us up
and we can feel life flowing in us much better than
before crying.

Life is a GEM!

I cannot understand why me?? Why did I have to be given this horrible thing in my mind. Why did any of us?? I'd love to be able to just drive or jump straight of a cliff, I know of a couple of good cliffs where I could do it too. Why must these thoughts run constantly through my mind?? I want them gone, the person I currently am, I want that person gone. But how do I get rid of that person, I don't know. Maybe if I wait long enough then it will go away. But how long is enough?? How many more years till I'm free.

I hope today picked up for you logical-cents. I hope that the noise was softened for a bit and that the longing for quiet was stilled.

And, you know, the day isn't over yet. I made myself leave the house and go play guitar in the garden. It helped! Maybe you did or can still do something that makes you feel good. But if not that's ok too, because tomorrow is never too late.

I know it's been a while since I last posted in here, not too sure why really, I mean it's not as if I've been 'cured' and am well. I think it's more I've had things to say but don't know how to say them.

Currently at the moment I'm still experiencing voices in my head, wish they weren't there, they've been there for a week now, just want them gone. Meds aren't working on them, nothing much really is. Doc wasn't much help, just said that they are relevant to the situation at the moment, which we had kinda worked out but I think some part of my was hoping that she'd have something or know something that would work to help get rid of them but it would seem not.

Situation at the moment is that one of our flatmates (and my best friend) moved out of the flat. We are working on getting her back, but not sure and it's still all up in the air so not liking the uncertainty. Also the two people that I lived with (now just one) where pretty much my support network, having the two of them together I felt more stable, and now to adjust to having only one of them living with me it's a lot harder to get my head round and feel like I've got the same level of support even though I do, but one person lives 30mins away now.

Spent about 14hrs in the ED department Sunday night/Monday morning because I was stupid and took an overdose. Have since learnt that overdosing on Risperidone is not the best of ideas, it makes your heart rate go up, at the highest point I had a heart rate of 178, it did get down to about 95 but not for long. They said it would take 3-4 days for my heart rate to settle and go back to normal. Not the smartest idea I've had lately.

Sometimes I don’t know where to begin, what to say, how to say it, however you put it, it can sometimes make it uncomfortable for me as I don’t know what I’m doing. Why must everything be said aloud? I think about things a lot but even then a lot of the time I can’t really put into words what I am thinking about.