LC - Thoughts of the mind

and?

and what?

greasemonkey and mylife

While I appreciate comments to what I write, if you are going to discuss other things (like above with 'opening the mind') can you please do it somewhere else that is NOT in my journal. The discussion you are having above and the fact that it is in MY journal has gotten me upset and I would like it to stop please.

Hi LC

I keep rattling the old head for 'health' information. 'Vertigo' finally came to me..something to check out maybe?

And yes look after number 1, I like that LC.

Take care LC (((((arohanui hugs)))))

(((((HUGS))))))

It's been a while since I wrote in here, I guess because things appeared to be going alright, or maybe because I felt I had nothing interesting to write, or maybe I just didn't feel like writing anything, I don't know the minds an odd thing, I've sat here and looked at this blank space wondering what to write, but it's too hard to do that, ya better to sit here and let the fingers do the typing, that way you get everything out, you clear the mind a little bit, doesn't matter whether you write one sentence, one paragraph or half a page or more, the important thing is to get it out, try not to let it all build up on you.

At the moment I'm at the top of the cliff standing so close to the edge that if I pushed or take one more step forward I'm gonna fall of the cliff. I'm stressed out about stuff then getting told about the changes at work yesterday, well that's the final thing that pushed me this close to the edge. I know I should just be lucky that I've still got a job, and I am trying to keep on thinking that, and keeping on reminding myself that it is only for 4 months, and as off October 1st I will be able to change back to the other side. I've just gotta work out how to get through the days, the side of the week I will now be working on is the busier side of the week.

busy + lots of people = panic attacks

The duty manager I have been working with is easy to talk to and we get along well. He knows that I can get panic attacks, he knows why I won't climb a ladder or stand on one for too long, he knows about the dizziness/lightheadness. This duty manager I'll be working with now doesn't know me, and I don't feel as comfortable with him and in telling him this sort of stuff. There's also the different team that I'll be working with, the team I've been working with is a awesome team, friendly etc and we all get along with laughs and the likes. The team I'll be working with now aren't as friendly and they don't have as much fun (I know coz I've worked with them in the past).

I need to get off this cliff edge though, to do that I need to rid myself of some stress and worry, how the hell I'm gonna do that I don't have a clue.

Please make sure you have a harness and safety net.

Your safety net is perhaps your old boss.

Can he speak to your new boss and just outline a couple of areas?

Don't jump. Not yet. Not with out the net and harness.

mylife I think it's gonna have to be something that I tell this other duty manager and my new manager about. Just a matter of finding the right time and how to tell them.

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I realised something today while working, it came to me as to why I insisted on keeping my Sunday's in liquor until I went back to the Sun-Weds side of the shift, I'm not too keen on doing 5 days but I realised that the reason I kept liquor is because it's one thing that I am still in control of to a certain extent. One day where I go in and I know what my workload is, I know what I'm doing and my routine doesn't change. When I go into work tomorrow morning, I now don't know what I'll be doing. I don't mind change, change is good, I don't however like it being thrown onto me and not having a chance to get used to it, especially when you have routines set and things set out how you know them and know what your doing. Well that's all gonna change, and I'm a tad scared to be honest.

Routine - it's something a lot of people use, it's something I can rely on, something that is safe, means I know what I'm doing, I know what's gonna happen next or what needs to be done next. I don't like it getting too much out of wack. A little bit of varity is fine, but when they take it all away from me?? That's when I get flustered and panicky and worry, which is what I've been doing the last few days since been told of the change. Going to work today though and knowing what I was doing and what was happening today, well it kinda settled me down a bit and made me feel a bit calmer. Will just have to see what tomorrow brings and try not to worry about these changes too much. Easier said than done.

so what did tommorrow bring??

Tomorrow never comes, so it is hard to say what it brought. Today however wasn't to bad, was pretty much just a normal Monday so that was alright, was able to relax a bit coz well at least I knew what I was doing. Both the chilled and the frozen department looked sooooo much better today, they were actually full of stock (excluding what we didn't have in stock) and were faced all the time, it was coz we had four people across both departments instead of one person in each department, I was still able to chat to a couple of the reps/merchandisers and that but I didn't have to worry bout what the department looked liked coz it looked good, our manager told us that even the boss was impressed.

Since I'm working through till next Sunday (stupid me agreed too without realising I'd be doing 8 days without a day off) I asked our manager if I could go home early (4:30pm instead of 6pm), she said yep and too not sign out and she'd pay me up till 6pm. It's part of the way of how she thanks her staff for the work they have done. The duty manager stopped me when I said goodbye to him and we chatted about how today went, I told him it didn't go too bad and was saying about how it finally looks decent and presentable and he starts on about how I'm not to take the help personally as they aren't trying to tell me I couldn't do the job they're just trying to take some pressure off me. As I said to him, I don't care if they ARE telling me I can't do the job because I know I couldn't do it because I had too much pressure on me to be doing everything - orders, phone calls, pallets, reps/merchandisers, tickets and everything else.

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Positive thinking how do you do change your mind to think that way? As I was chatting to the duty manager this afternoon he was saying about the change overs and about if I think they'll work etc etc etc my answer was "we'll see". He starts on about how I should be thinking positive and how it WILL work. Again I just said "we'll see". So he asked me why I wasn't thinking positive about it. Told him, said I didn't know how, I couldn't find the positive side to things. He said everything has a positive find, you've just got to look for it.

I think part of the reason I can't see the positive is because growing up I was mainly told what I was doing wrong, not when I done something right. The other part of it I think comes from the depression.

Sometimes life is hard, it throws things at us, some of these things have been thrown lightly, we are able to catch them and deal with them, throw them back. Other things that get thrown at us have been thrown harder, they knock us over and we need to work out a way to pick ourselves up again and throw this thing back. It can take awhile and won't always be easy. Life isn't here to be easy, we just seem to have been dealt a more difficult story line than anyone else. But if everyone's story lines were the same then would it not be a boring place?? After all we are really living story lines, where is the proof that even we are in existence?

yes you are right, if we were all the same, then life would be very boring..............................

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stupid computer crashed and lost everything I wrote oh well, will start again tomorrow

so have you remembered what you were going to say?

I'm trying, typing it into word, but it's like I've blocked off things, and need to open them up, and at the moment I'm not in a place to deal with it.

hey I know how that feels

Well this will either help or send me even more into the dark place I am already in at the moment. I am starting at the end, not the beginning, I will work my way up, or it might jump around I don't know, just gonna type as it comes.

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Was 1 December 08 when Jamie came round, I blame myself for what happened because since it was a hot day I had both doors open rather than using the air con, though I could save power. I think he must of been watching the place or something coz he came in not long after my landlord left, I didn't hear him as I was in the bedroom tidying up, wasn't till he was pretty much in the doorway that i felt like someone was watching me. He had a sort of crazed look in his eyes which scared me, but I couldn't do anything, he raped and assaulted me and there wasn't a thing I could do, a bit after he left i drove down to the river just to get out of house really, was contemplating driving off into the river or speeding into a pole or something somewhere. If I hadn’t been able to get hold of Matt and Sam and gone round there then I can honestly say I don't know what I would of done or were I'd be now.

When I did end up going to the cops about it I could of had him done for rape and assault, cops told me that coz of what he done I had to go have tests and a check up done which was fine, went over on my day off, couple days before Christmas got the results back, luckily everything was fine. He pretty much made me loose trust in guys again, he's ruined my life again, but at least I'm older than the other two girls, but that doesn't really make me feel any better, I've still got to live with what he's done.

He had the nerve to send me a letter from the youth unit he was in asking for me to send him money so he can ring his son and asking for me to come and visit him every weekend. Couldn't believe it really. I sealed the letter up again and put return to sender, then rung the prison and told them I didn't want any contact from him at all either in letters or phone calls. Thankfully since then I haven't heard from him.

He doesn't really care about what he done, his attitude is kinda like 'yea I done it, so what?' He really couldn't care less about who he hurts. He might be able to put it behind him and go on without a care in the world, but what about the people that he hurt? They have to live with this forever.

When I think back about it (which I try not to do too often), there was many other times during the months that we were together where he forced himself upon me, if I didn't let him or didn't do what he wanted then he'd get in a sulk, was easier just to lie there and let him do it. There are very few guys I trust at the moment thanks to him.

Hi there LC,

Trust..hmm now there is an interesting word,

dfn; reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence."

So few people know the value and meaning of this word, and the damage they do when trust is broken.

They believe that their needs are much greater than those of others.

Try and rise above them and place that charge if it happens again (god forbid) ....

Take care - it's a toughie,

I hate feeling like this. The increase in my meds was meant to make me feel better, it's doing bugger all. Work is the only reason I have to get up for the day, if I wasn't working I'd be lying in bed, just lying there because I don't feel like doing anything. Even going to work is a chore at the moment, but it is also keeping me going. I'm more short tempered, and not getting a lot of sleep. When I do sleep it's a broken sleep coz I'm waking up every couple of hours which in turn results in me waking up when my alarm goes off feeling even more tired which is also probably why I'm more short tempered at the moment. Someone says the wrong thing to me and I'm either snapping at them or I'm just telling them to shut up and I walk away, or I walk away without saying anything. I don't like feeling like this. I've started self-harming again, after so long of not doing it, but now it's like I can't help it, I need to.

All I want is to feel ok again, be able to joke with the guys I work with rather than them pissing me off, being able to get up in the mornings on my days of and maybe do something or go for a walk. Instead I just can't be bothered and I don't know why.

how are you today LC?

how are you today LC?

Yea I ok I guess, I'm still here.

I just love your dog photo, did you knit the jacket?

Thanks, no I didn't knit the jacket. My Aunty did, she has mad Meg another one as well with fleece and I think it's got a waterproof outer. I haven't seen that one or a photo of that one yet though.

I just think it is such a cool photo!

Imagine if we are being watched and controlled. That the whole of Earth is being watched by some other planet, some other species of human beings. They are watching us, controlling us, our every movement, what we say, what we think, what we do, how we act is all because we are puppets to this other species somewhere out there.

Were is the proof that human's are actually alive?? Sure we are here, we are standing, but that is not proof to say we are alive, it doesn't say that we are solid and can live. Maybe we are all actually living in a dream some where. Or it's like one big illusion. Where did we come from?? How did we get here?? Why do we have two feet?? Why aren't we covered in fur?? How do we speak?? Really when you think about it there are so many unanswered questions as to why we're here, how we got here and what we are. Who came up with the term 'human beings' and decided that it is used to described two legged creatures??

Truth is there is no proof, no proof that we are actually here. Sure there are the stories of how we got here, but then how did the dinosaurs get here?? And what about cows, sheep, trees, apes, monkeys, elephants, ants etc, how did they all get here?? Really I think this is one of life's unanswerable questions.