Once upon a time

1997

LA was very different to Auckland, but it did have similarities.

For a start it appeared to be very flat, if you asked for milk in your coffee - you got milk powder, roads were wide, and breakfasts consisted of fatty foods.

But people spoke the same language as Beth did, just with a different accent. At least she could understand them. What she did find amusing was people who immediately thought they were from England, and when they discovered they weren't, Australia was the next guess.

Unbeknown to them, the hotel they stayed at was opposite Disneyland. They didn't know that because all they could see was carpark. It went on for miles! The first day they went to Disneyland, they caught a bus outside the hotel. That bus took them for a ride lasting about an hour long, going from hotel to hotel, collecting people. They could see the humour when they drove past thier hotel and turned right into the carpark - driving right to the back, only to find Disneyland there. Needless to say, they didn't catch the bus home, or the next day when they returned!!

In total they spent 3 days in Disneyland - it was the end of winter there, so closing time was 6pm - quite early, affording them time to go to a Medievil Nights dinner one night. They sat, ate with thier hands and drank mulled wine while horses and riders jostled and lanced in front of them.

They met up with two canadians at the dinner and ended up at their hotel room, with a bath full of ice and drink, they talked the night away, into the early hours of the morning. They were from Victoria - Vancouver Island. They made it sound like you just caught a ferry and you were there. Beth and Peter were invited to visit when they go to Vancouver.

After LA, they spent 3 days in San Diego - a real driving experiance there! Then on to San Francisco - where they were subject to a theft, and visited Alcatraz to name a few things that went on. It was the first place that they stayed in that had a 13th floor!

From there they went to Vancouver, where it snowed (it just doesn't normally!) and visited their new found Canadian friends in Victoria (which took around 4 hours in travelling - at least!). After visiting friends in Winnipeg (in -42 degree tempretures) they caught for themselves a stomach bug and slept in the plane from Winnipeg to Hawaii, where they were able to relax and eat once more...

Arriving back to Auckland was great. Their trip was great to, but - there is no place like home, and Auckland was their home.

They remained very happy living a good life, out catching fish, dredging for scallops, socilising...Beth changed her job and was employed as the Accountant for a manufacturing company. She enjoyed her job immensly and the people she worked for, but something was wrong - she was just not aware of it.

For so long now, she had been happy that memories had locked themselves tightly away. A closed door, locked not only with a padlock, but also with shackles.

She loved her life. The freedom, the weekends, the enjoyment of it all was supreme. It just seemed like every day was sunny - even if it rained. Depression - it was a new word in the new's and it was just starting to surface as being acceptable. Depression - she didn't understand it and didn't want to - why can't these people just get over it and get on with life?

Each weekend was their own - no work, a bit of study, alot of socialising. It was a very happy time for Beth and Peter... then .. out of the blue ... something happened.

She started having dreams - nightmares.

One dream would usually start with her and Peter having fun in bed and whilst they were 'engaged' in their activities she would look up at him and see her ex husband! Shocked and angry she would start to hit at him, tears streaming down her face - get off, get off...aww come on, you know you want it ..he would say laughing ... you were always my whore!

GET OFF, GET OFF! GET OFF YOU BASTARD..

She would wake, crying and trembling - upset and confused. She would quickly turn to make sure she was with the right person...Peter was snoring by her side. She couldn't settle for a long time after that, her breathing would be to rapid.

Another dream would be that she was inside her new home - the one that Peter built - and be talking to Peter who had his back to her. During the conversation he turned around - it was Peter's body, with her ex's face. I'm back he would say. Her breathing would become rapid and fear gripped her. What are you doing here? Again she would wake up terrified, confused and in tears. Occassionally Peter would wake up and try to get out of her what was wrong..but she couldn't tell him - it was too stupid to say.

These dreams would reoccur and then they dissappeared.

She was still very happy with life, a house by the beach, a fantastic husband and good friends. What more could you want?

The following February her father died. He lived to 85. This impacted on Beth more than she realised. Why? Why do people die? Why do people die? Why Why Why? His funeral was difficult for her as she stood up at the lecturn telling all and sundry about how he protected her. She felt she had lost her protection now. As she looked around the funeral room, she saw many, many people she knew as friends - but none knew her father - this made her feel a little better because they had come along to support her and Peter only. Oh dad, why did you have to die? I miss your humour, I miss your protection, I miss you more than ever - and why didn't I tell you that I loved you? Oh dad, why? She hated this - seeing him in the coffin before the funeral, seeing him dead in his bed, helping pick the clothes for him to wear for the big send off, trying to remain composed. She hated all of it - but during it there was an unrealness component to it. Maybe he might walk back into the house, stick in hand, saying stubbornly "i'm alright'.

Oh dad I miss you so much.


She was tired of the words "I'm sorry" and "are you ok?" . She was tired of receiving flowers only for funerals - her house was full of them once more, the truth be known, she was just tired.

It was at this point her dreams were vivid again, not only did she get the nightmares of the past, she was having dreams of her dad visiting in his wheelchair.

"I hate where I am" he would say - with a real conviction and intent. He was very unhappy. The first dream was based around the back room of the dairy. Dad and mum were there, as was her brother. Fireworks were going off uncontrollably in the back yard and they were all staying away until it had finished, observing from the back door. The dream was vivid, very vivid. Then through the same door they were all watching from (with the exception of her dad who had his back to them saying how much he hated where he was) a cat brought in a rabbits foot and gave it to Beth who was stunned. Dad turned his wheelchair around. Don't read to much into that - you will be unhappy - almost as unhappy as I am!

She woke confused, but not upset...it was so real - like I was really there? She remembered some of her father's last words "don't leave it to late before you have children" - was that what the rabbits foot was about? Was it??

A few months later she had several dreams with her dad - he was always saying that he hated it, wanted to be with her mother and didn't want to go. Her mother also heard footsteps at home, on the stairs and down the hall - she thought he was there because she could hear him breathing. None of this was threatening to either of them, although the dreams made Beth feel awfully uneasy.

That christmas - the first christmas without her father - was going to be hard. Just before christmas day, Beth had another vivid dream about her father. She can recall it well to this day.

She dreamt her and Peter decided to have a big christmas party at home. A lamb was cooked on their spit, everyone brought a plate and drink and everyone that they had every met during their entire lifetimes was there. Even those they had just spoken to as stangers. If they had spoken to them they were there. Consequently it was a big party - and jubilation and high spirits were plentiful. What she didn't expect was her father walking in, unaided by his scooter, wheelchair or stick. He walked up right and went around the party seeing all of those people he held dear and near. He was happy now, he looked free. Beth finally got to see her dad again, and seeing him happy made her happy. "I am happy where I am now - I wanted to let everyone know that" . This really made her happy, and she never heard from him again.

Her lasting memory of her dad is seeing him walking down her driveway, smile on his face, looking well and turning to wave at her. Great I love him so much, and still I did not tell him. She felt he knew this anyway.



Christmas 1998 came and went - they had the celebration at their home. Conveniently, Beth left her maternity books out on the table, for all to see. She was already 3 months pregnant and both her and Peter were excited at the prospect of becoming parents together, as was both sides of the family.

After christmas, they went on a holiday around the bay of islands. Beth felt ok until they settled in at Russell and found she was bleeding. She started to tremble. no..no... this can't be happening... I've just told everyone...no...not this time...no..

She composed herself and told Peter who immediately took her to a local doctor who examined her. How many weeks are you? 14 weeks came the reply.

Hmm ...

Are you sure - came the doctors response.

Yes.

Ok, the doctor said. I'm going to have you visit Whangarei hospital.

Tears swelled in Beth's eyes - why she asked.

The doctor continued.. the baby only feels to be about 8 weeks old, yet the feotal sac is around the 14 week size, I just want to get it checked out.

OK thought Beth - the baby must be just a small one... I'm happy with that she thought. It never even entered her mind that she was miscarrying.

They arrived at the hospital where they were expected. After a short time they were both in an ultrasound room, with a radiologist. "Let's see what is happening here for you" she said with a smile. On went the jelly, then the ultrasound handlethingy on Beth's tummy.

The radiologist sighed.

Her smile dissappeared.

Can you see anything?

She turned to Beth and Peter and outlined where the baby and sac were, and told them how sorry she was but there was no heart beat. The baby died at 8 weeks old, but everything else had carried on growing. Your body is trying to self eliminate.

Beth remained composed, taking it all in. Oh another miscarriage. But we did nothing to prompt this one..

The next thing she knew she was sitting on a hospital bed, in a white gown, and the hospital staff member had to put a shunt for a drip into her hand.

It went in, no anesthetic, her 'claw marks' remained visable in the sheets and bed for some time... she then only remembers going into theatre. This is too much.

Why can't I get this right. Why can't I do anything right? Why did this happen? No tears falling. It's just one of those things she thought - but what did I do to make this happen - did I move too fast? did we travel over a bumpy road to fast? did I eat the wrong food?

It was a lovely dream, walking through a few fields of sunflowers - she stopped to look at a particulary bright one. She was happy, the sun was shining, she felt warm and she felt secure. As she placed her fingers around the stem of the tall flower (they were all almost as tall as she) she heard it.......blip.....blip....blip.... what was that? blip... blip...blip ...she turned her head... what is that noise???

She opened her eyes, slightly. They were heavy ...blip....blip....blip... "hey there you" she heard. Groggely she moaned and looked around. White walls ...blip ...blip...blip...ohhh... "how are you feeling" said the voice again. It was female and she was stroking Beth's hair. "the D n C went well, we just need to keep an eye on you for a little while then you can see your husband"

mmmm... what happened to the flowers? What happened to the sun? What happened to the security and warmth?? What happened??

It didn't take her long to remember - Oh that's right.. I miscarried, I had to have a dilation and currette to get the remains out...

She held it together, and Peter took her to a hotel for the night - where she would be more comfortable than in the camper van.

She kept thinking why?

Why me? What did I do?

She phoned her mother and cried, she just couldn't stop crying... she couldn't stop crying when she told her sister, she couldn't stop crying when Peter was telling his father and sister. She just couldn't stop crying... not at all.

What did I do? It must be my fault - I must have done something wrong? What did I do?

Unhappy and down, they headed back home the next day,

She couldn't stop thinking - what was it that I did to start this? It must be my fault...

Hugs Mylife, that must have been so incredibly hard hun.

19 September 2009

"you shouldn't touch this stuff" he said angrily.

She took the connection off the computer, I didn't think you wanted the pictures in you camera she said.

She struggled with tears. She did it again. She was so good at it. Stuffing up everytime she thought.

Can't do anything right. At that point she hated him for pointing this out to her.

Never can do anything right. She was so wrong for this world.

20 September 2009

Beth woke feeling lonely, worthless, and that life was pointless. She struggled to get up and get showered. She had no motivation and will to live.

"The boys are itching to go fishing" Peter said "Are you going to come?".

"I guess I have too" replied Beth thinking oh great, another thing I don't want to do but have to in order to please everyone else. Is it not enough that I am going to a barbque tonight with a false smile on my face.

Thats all I'm here for - to please everyone else. Well today everyone else can go jump.

"you don't have to go - it's just that the boys want you to come" Peter said offering her a glass of water and her meds.

"no, i'm not taking them, and I don't want to go" Beth replied angrily. "Why not?" came the reply. "I don't want people to be close to me - I'm just not worth it!! Not worth it at all!!"

"Beth"

To late she had gone downstairs. Not worth it not worth it not worth it.

Peter brought her medication downstairs with the glass of water. NO! she said "I'm NOT taking it" "I don't want anything in my mouth!"

She wanted to starve to death.

They left her at home and went off fishing. Once gone, she sat and thought. hmm how would I do this? what am I going to do?

The one thing Beth knew for sure was that she hated herself - Peter deserved better. He deserved someone who would talk to him, someone who would look after him, someone who loved themselves as well as him.

She didn't fit in, and now her life and his were a mess.

Sobbing, she felt empty, and alone once more.

1999

Beth returned home to find people were treating her differently, like she was not quite so robust.

She went back to work, and fell pregnant the during 1999. She and Peter were overjoyed at the news, but felt a bit apprehensive. Is this one going to stay? Is this one going to be healthy. I hope this one is ok because I'm not getting younger she would think.

She was 35 and mindful that her 'cycle' would stop in her 40's.

Then she found out she was pregenant - again.

This time was different. She was wrapped up in cotton wool, every turn she made, Peter made sure there was nothing to harm her.

Peter decided to leave his job and become self employed christmas 1999. Beth was expecting their first child - a boy - on March 1 2000.

Her good friend SC had already had her child, a boy, in the November prior. Good Beth thought, we are at a level pegging - we will both have boys.

March 1 came and went without event. Slightly tired of carrying an extra 30 odd kilos of weight, Beth was becoming a bit impatient, however just loving the fact that for once in her life, she was being 'made a fuss of' consistently. She liked that.

With her swollen legs and feet (her foot size had gone from an 8 and a half to well over an 11) she visited her doctor early March. "If the baby doesn't arrive before the 14th we will have to look at inducing you". Ok thought Beth, that's ok.

Then it happened. March 11th at 6.30am - Beth had to get up out of bed for a nature call.

As she stood up to flush the toilet she looked at the puddle at her feet - uhoh... Peter, I can't stop peeing, and it smells like Janola!!

He sprung to his feet, umm.. don't think your peeing he said...

Oh god what is that burning pain? It took her breath away....the tightness, the burning - I didn't think it would feel like this. Pete went to get the teng's machine, which was adequate pain relief for about 2 hours.

The contractions were closer together than she thought they should be. No real understanding of how close they should be she just had a 'gut feeling', And after having a warm spa bath and the machine again, the doctor wanted her in hospital.

hmm not really very dilated, about a cm and a half. After a little while they sent her back home. She was back home by midday - felling somewhat deflated.

She was fidgity, unable to breathe at times but calm. Finally they went back to hospital around 4 pm. They tried gas for pain relief, that didn't do anything! They banded her stomach and monitored the baby after giving Beth a Spinal Epidural, numbing her from the waist down.

She could sit up in bed, feel the tightness with out pain and watch the machines. Oh look she thought - I'm having a contraction and don't even feel it.

By 5.30 am March 12, she was ready to go. This was after they monitored the baby by way of spring in his head, as the belt was not sufficient. She was fully dilated and told to push. And man push she did, more and more and more and more. She thought she was going to poo all over the bed and really didn't want to (and she didn't) but nothing progressed.

Between contractions they examined her during the night. They were not happy with the baby's placement as his head was not positioned correctly with his ear over the opening.

By 6.15 it was decided that an emergency c section be made. Beth went into shock. Can't I do anything right?? I can't even give birth in the right way. Through trembling hands and a tear stained face she signed the forms.

She had not option, her babys life was on the line as he went into feotal distress - heart beats ranging from 170 beats per minute to about 30 beats per minute. If a c section was not done then either Beth or the baby would die - or both.

She cried hysterically, but calmed after being rushed to theater. Peter was by her side all the way trying to calm her.

They were ready to operate at 6.20, and made the first incision. Every part of Beth's insides seemed to come out into a dish, and then at 6.26am ...

Wahh wahh... the boy was out! All Beth could do was watch - they had 'amped' up her epidural so she could not move her arms, only her head and neck.

The hospital staff cleaned him up and wrapped him, after the weigh in and measure.

9 pounds,
57 centimeters long
head size 37.5 cm circumferance.

Wow they said, if we hadn't done a c section his head would have done alot of damage.

Wrapped up and warm, he was handed to Peter, who was beaming from ear to ear. He was proud. I love you he said to Beth, who smiled back, you too was her reply.

Mathew had blonde hair, brown eyes and the tinyest hands Beth had seen. She felt bonded straight away - and she felt successful.

Mathew was a good sleeper, eater, pooer, grizzler and smiler. Beth wanted another child soon - ideally about a 18 month to 2 year gap between them, and one day... when Mathew was about 4-5 months old she noticed something different.

When he latched, it hurt. It really hurt. hmmm she thought...off she went to the chemist to get the test. Shaking she sat to pee. Come on come on...and there it was. Positive again.

Oh my god!

She worked out the date - oh my god - she was thinking and couldn't stop shaking. What have we done? She knew she was in semi shock. Mathew would turn one in March, and in early June her new baby would be with them. About 14 months apart.

She trembled with shock. How do I tell Peter?

Peter was overjoyed, and secretly so was Beth.

Another child, perhaps a girl? maybe another boy? the 12 week scan came around quickly - another boy - gosh... still in shock they are so close together...

hmmm

Her pregnancy was closely monitored - this baby was bigger than the last and the specialists didn't want to take any chances.

She didn't put on the same amount of weight as she did with Mathew and felt alot better 2nd time around. An elective c section was on the cards and a booking was to be made a few weeks later.

The 26 week measurements measured this baby at 28 weeks - the 35 week scan measured him at 42 weeks.

At 38 weeks she was admitted to hospital - she had to be there at 1pm to prep.

In the morning she completed work for her husbands business, and on the way she dropped in her final uni paper - only one exam this semester the other 4 papers were assessment based.

Her tutors were wary of her - laughing and telling her not to 'pop' yet. Some didn't believe her when she told them she was on her way to hospital to have a baby straight away.

She arrived at National Womens just after one and was taken down to the prep room with Peter.

She gowned up - and so did he - and walked to the operating theater.

This is so much calmer than the last one she thought. No rip shit and bust here, not like last time.

Now Beth - the anethetist said - we need to get the epidural in your back. We need you to sit on the edge of the bed and lean over until your head is between your knees.

Oh that is a feat in itself she thought - bulging belly in front of and he wants me to put my head between my knees.

She tried her best - felt the anesthetic on her back start to work. Then they inserted the long epidural needle down her spine. she could feel movement but no pain.

Then it happened. She thought she was going to pass out and spew. Oh my god she's saying - thinking if I spew here the theater will not be sterile. She tried to say something but just moaned.

It's ok someone said. Your blood pressure is dropping because of the epidural, you can lie down now...

she felt better when she did lie down.

Now Beth - one of the surgeons said - we shall make a start ok?

They moved her hospital gown up and placed a rug over her groin and legs.

Beth glanced around still slightly sweaty from the blood pressure drop. Then something in the light caught her eye.

What was that? She lay there and thought - then she looked at the two surgeons - standing either side of her hips - working away and talking about what they had for lunch.

Then she looked up again.

Oh I can see that they are cutting into me - I can see what they are doing in the thearter lights above me!

She turned to Peter who was sitting beside her. Half of his face was covered up with a mask. He told her he loved her.

She looked back to the lights - she could see them taking out intestine and other matters and putting them in a kidney dish beside her. It was as if they were strolling in the park..

Nattering away, working away. Very relaxed. She turned to Peter once more who looked like he was going keel over. It was very hot in theatre and the next day they found that he had a sinus infection.

Turning back to the lights, she saw the hands go inside her belly, and pull out a beautiful baby boy! He was screaming all the way and was covered in blood and 'white stuff' . The surgeons were saying 'its a boy - wow what a boy'

The surgeons placed him on Beths body while they cut the cord and she noticed how much heavier he was and how different he was to Mathew.

They took him away and weighed him 9'13 oz, 57 cm long and a head size of 39.5 cm

He wasn't small but he wasn't large either (Beth was mindful of her sisters boy who was 11 pound 13 when he was born).

Murray was born on June 5 2001, he was a very solid boy, and full of life.

Life was busy for the first month of Murray's life. Mathew at 15 months was learning to climb stairs and had started to run slightly.

Murray was quite different to Mathew - his "hourly cycle" went something like 20 minutes sleep, 20 minutes feeding and 20 minutes playing. Phew, Beth caught sleep when both of the boys were asleep during the day and often feel asleep feeding Murray, lying down.

As the 2nd month progressed, Murray became very unsettled. He started to cry continuously from 2pm(ish) until late at night - often not stopping until around midnight. For the first few days both her and Peter thought he had a virus and it would pass.

But it didn't - by the end of the 2nd week, Murrays screaming would not stop until 2 am each day...they had been to the after hours doctor several times - with Murray in tow screaming a very high pitched scream!!

By the time he was 5 months old several doctors had given several dianogsis - the main offender being colic.

hmmm colic, never had that one before thought Beth sarcastically for the uptenth time one night. The next day she managed to get past her normal doctors receptionist and see their family doctor in the morning (when Murray was quiet).

Ok said the doctor. This has been going on far to long. He showed Beth how to get a urine sample from Murray and asked her to take it in for testing.

She was so tired. She was so worn down. She felt ragged and angry alot of the time.

Murray started his screaming again at 2pm - by this time you could set your watch by this. She was getting so angry with him - why won't he stop!!!!!

Angrily she took Murray and put him in his car seat. She was angry with herself too. What a bad mother she was feeling like this.

Off to the after hours doctor again - when she arrived he was screaming at the top of his lungs, once more - in a really high pitch scream.

How long is the wait she asked. Around 2-3 hours was the reply. Angrily she gritted her teeth and advised (fairly unpolitely) what the receptionist could do with Murray for this time while she went out for a walk for some quiet time.

All of a sudden (within a few minutes) the receptionist had phoned the St Lukes branch and told Beth the wait there will be less than 30 minutes for her.

She ran out of the building and put Murray back in his carseat. St Lukes was not far from Avondale - anything to find out what was wrong with her Murray.

Arriving at the St Lukes clinic she was seen straight away. Going through the details with a new doctor again - Murray threw up all over the floor, and continued screaming.

"it may be colic" said the NZ born doctor "but we will send you to starship to be sure - it has been going on by far to long"

Beth just about did somersaults - yay! someone with a different tack!

She phoned Peter who was looking after Mathew - come home and collect us and we will go in all together.

Arriving at Starship, they found the waiting area packed. Damn it - we are staying until we are seen!

They were eventually seen at around 6am the next morning. Mathew slept on his parents knee during the night - which ever one was not pacing with Murray - they took turns.

The first thing starship did was take a urine test from Murray. They were sent back to the waiting room while the test was being done.

The vending machines were hammered with coins for substainance. The coffee machine didn't seem to make strong enough coffee - finally they were asked to go back into the emergency departement.

Murray had finished screaming at this stage and had settled back into his 20 minute cycle.

"Murray has a urinary tract infection - a severe one - that needs urgent treatment. We are going to give you a strong antibiotic that you need to give to him three times a day - and panadol every 4 until it is gone. We want to see you back here in a week to reassess. There are two possible causes for this - one is kidney reflux and the other is just a one off. When he is infection free we want to test for kidney reflux to make sure it is not this"

Ok , ok Beth thought, taking it all in, and she looked at Peter as the experts gave Murray a massive dose of antibiotics and pamol.

Thank christ something is being done they both said. Mathew looked as concerned as a child of his age could. He wanted to cuddle his younger brother, but couldnt.

They returned the next week, with Murray still screaming - a high pitch scream. The 4 hourly pamol worked to a degree but not entirely.

Starship staff did another urine test.

The infection was still there and this time it was blazing. "We have to admit him and give him antibiotics by iv. We will keep him in as long as we need too to clear this thing. Can someone bring in some items for you Beth? You will have to stay with him in the room."

Ok, Peter can you do that? - yes after the admission process has been done.

Beth watched as the doctors and nurses pushed a drip shunt into Murrays small hand. No anesthetic, just staight in. He screamed and screamed and screamed.

She sighed. god, what is wrong with the world? why has this happened?

They were taken to their ward and room - sharing with a little girl and her family. There were two cots and two thin mattresses on the floor.

It turned out the 'experts' did not know what was wrong with the little girl but suspected cystic fibrosis.

Gosh her problems paled in comparison. Ultimately she spent a full week in hospital with Murray on iv antibiotics before his infection went. He had to stay on antibiotics until they tested him for kidney reflux.

The next two weeks went extremely fast. Murray was a happy and content baby - and lively! His routine in any hour was 20 minutes play, 20 minutes feed and 20 minutes sleep! But at least he was home and healthy.

He had been infection free for 2 weeks and was due to go into starship for a testing - did he have kidney reflux?

As the entered the room, they were presented with a big table, with a contraption hovering above it painted up at thomas the tank engine. On the table was a plastic 'cradle'. There was a monitor and other 'medical' equipment in the room.

They were greeted by the hospital staff, watched as Murray was undressed and placed into the cradle, then tied up with nappies secured to the plastic cradle he was lying in. He was quite happy until the placed a cathetor into him and started to fill his bladder with a radio opaque dye.

He cried and cried. Beth and Peter tried to comfort him by stroking his forehead, turning to look at the monitor. Fasinating she said, look at the black line going from his bladder to his kidneys, wow that is cool how we can see that.

She found out a short time after that was not cool because that was the urine refluxing back to his kidneys. The valves in the bladder to the tubes leading to his kidneys were not shutting off and hence the urine was refluxing back to his kidneys, causing infections and ultimatly could cause renal failure.

She learnt kidney reflux was graded on a scale of 1-5. Grades 1 and 2 meant the child would grow out of it and just needed to be on antibiotics for the next couple of years to keep infections at bay until it had corrected, graded 4 and 5 meant that operations should be done - yesterday for a grade 5 and today for a grade 4.

Murray was diagnosed as a grade 3 - right smack in the middle. The doctors decided to put him on antibiotics for the next few months and gauge how he was doing.

Several urine tests later and several months later (around 24) Murray was given the 'all clear' and was taken off antibiotics.

Beth had found out at the original test that kidney reflux in boys is very rare - especially if there is no family history of it.

A few years later, she bumped into another mother at the daycare Mathew and Murray attended. Her young boy was about the same age as Murray and was screaming. They got talking and Beth discovered this boy had kidney reflux!

What???

As the conversation transpired, Beth learned that this women was completely drenched with the painted apple moth spray that Beth was exposed to when she dropped mathew off one day. She was pregnant with Murray at the same time! This women also carried on to say that the doctors and specialists had found a direct link between the spray and kidney problems in unborn children.

It now all made sense.

You have an epic story here,
How long do i have to digest it,
or is there a point you wanna steer me to?

An epic story - I don't know about that greasemonkey!

If you want to take the time to 'digest' do this at your leisure, it just my view of mylife Personally, I kinda think it is boring to others, but not to me.

If you want to, or if anyone wants to comment on it, you are most welcome to. I am happy for you to do so.

I am finding reading this story both upsetting and cleansing. I have never documented mylife like this before. I will be adding to it over the next few days as I move forward through life.

Thank you to all who have read it. You are lovely and I do thank you for taking the time.

mylife wrote:An epic story - I don't know about that greasemonkey!

If you want to take the time to 'digest' do this at your leisure, it just my view of mylife Personally, I kinda think it is boring to others, but not to me.

If you want to, or if anyone wants to comment on it, you are most welcome to. I am happy for you to do so.


Journals are a personal thing; some were so angry that others posted in their journals here in the beguining.The purpose of a Journal is to get outside what is inside, so as to stop it going round and round inside your head.
Some ppl not only achieve this but they bring about self-healing in the process
and also come to realise that 'Their JOURNAL can be Cultured', cut and re-arranged to make interesting reading for Family or Others; Some capitalise on their writing skills by publishing either an Autobiography or a Novel.
One such autobiography comes to mind,
"The Autobiography of a Yogi", by the now deceased Yogananda.
A thilling read.

I am finding reading this story both upsetting and cleansing. I have never documented mylife like this before. I will be adding to it over the next few days as I move forward through life.

Thank you to all who have read it. You are lovely and I do thank you for taking the time.

Is there any specific zone you want me to review
and give my feedback?
with love
gm

No nothing specfic,

But would welcome comments if you feel the need, Mr GreaseMonkey~

mylife wrote:No nothing specfic,

But would welcome comments if you feel the need, Mr GreaseMonkey~

I myself satisfy my own needs.
Are you feeling lonely ML?

I am happy to be your friend and will answer your PM's should you want to discuss anything.
So long as its absolutely interesting to you
I will be spell bound.


With love,
gm

Hi there GM

No not feeling lonely, I am starting to loose the feeling of lonelyness all the time

mylife wrote:Hi there GM

No not feeling lonely, I am starting to loose the feeling of lonelyness all the time

brilliant.
Aloneness leads us into OUR SELVES....

Some ppl (like me) have family about them all the while
and can loose that sence of self.
Its wonderful to know the differance
between wants and needs....

When ever I have a need
I sit down and meditate!

hmmm must come to grips with how to meditate! and give it a try.

How have you found my story thus far?

mylife wrote:hmmm must come to grips with how to meditate! and give it a try.

How have you found my story thus far?

I havnt read it since i returned your post
and asked,
which area did you think i should read.
I was under the impression you had made a break through
but wasnt going to read the epic looking for where the breakthrough might be.

Can you steer me in the right direction?

Hi there GM,

I have made several break through's but the biggest one was 'blogging' it all down.

It was then I realised several things - that my life was different to alot of others.

I am still going through these breakthrough's as I progress to wellness.

Best Wishes