Once upon a time

One day they were invited to SC's house, for a party.. Beth was ready to let her hair down - it was SC's 30th - so tequlla laid backs, various spirits and wine and beer were the order of the night.

As the music blared, and Beth took the lemons, salt (or was it sugar) and laid back for the liquour to be pored, she felt a black cloud over head ... what was happening???

Going outside, she started to crumble - no one was around so she let go. She couldn't stop crying, she was sobbing, head in hands and sobbed. Just not good enough. Just the mistake. Can't keep up. Can't do it. Wish I was SC. Hate me. Shouldn't be having a good time, not normally allowed to have a good time, always having to drive her ex home - what was I doing; oh god, he is going to be mad - what will he do?? Will I live this time?? - flashbacks!

After a short while, she heard footsteps. She recognised the footsteps and quickly wiped her face with her sleeve and dried her eyes.

It was him. "Whats up" said Peter.. Nothing... she said, "come on - come inside, have some fun" I'm not used to being allowed to have fun" "What??" of course you are! Inside she went, she sobered up pretty darn quickly and just watched people. People being happy. People having fun. People chatting, people laughing, people drinking, people staggering and people becoming loud.

Is that what this is all about? Is this what life is supposed to be like? Happy? Laughable? Free? I can't do that. I don't know how to.

She stayed 'sitting' on her drink for the next few hours. All of a sudden she could not figure out how to act appropriately, she felt people were judging her, her every move was being watched by everyone and she didn't want to put a foot wrong.

They went home and went to bed but she couldn't sleep. What if I did something wrong? What if I embarressed him? what if ? What is going to happen - I tried not to misbehave, but maybe I did. She was dreading the next day. What are the consequences??

She drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning. The next thing she knew she heard something being put down beside her. It was a cup of tea.

"morning" he said. How are you feeling this morning. "Fine?" Beth thought that he might have thought she was hung over. She was, but not to badly (she could coordinate her words). She didn't want him to know, she didn't want to be beaten.

During the day Peter asked her why she was so 'jumpy'. "You know I would never hurt you" he said very sincerely. "I'm not going to treat you badly" . Nothing happened. As a matter a fact he fussed over her and made sure she was ok.

She felt alot better and after a few more months she felt she could start to relax, slightly.

The year moved along quickly, and the next school year started. She was in several classes with SC and felt very inadequate. Little did she know she probably feel into a slight depression.

She made sure she worked long hours on her studies - would that help? She couldn't keep it all in her head - it kept on falling out! arrgghhh why was she feeling so dumb???

Beth enjoyed the next few years - but she just couldn't stop comparing herself to everyone else!

SC was bright, intelligent, pretty and always got awards for her studies, Peter's ex girlfriend got married, and they attended the wedding (although, that did not make her very happy at all).

The one day, Beth came home with a card from Michael Hill Jeweller. Jokingly she said to Peter "Look I've been in and seen the ring that I would like, and have couple of back up plans listed as well incase it is sold by the time you get there. I am just going to leave this on the fridge wall, and if you want, you can go and buy this and propose!!"

She was feeling really cheeky. Is that right? was his response..

The card stayed on the fridge wall for a few weeks. She got so used to seeing it there that she didn't even notice it had gone missing, and then come back.

Peter had to pick his moment. He had a mystery weekend trip that he had won, he would do it then. He found that he was on call for the weekend he wanted - bother.

One night - they were in bed (no don't ask what they were doing ) when a conversation evolved where Beth got out of bed for something. The conversation ended up with Peter chasing her around the house - they were laughing and giggling - like a couple of school kids, until finally they ended up in the workshop under the house.

Peter reached into a draw, retrived an object, got down on one knee and proposed!! She was quite taken by surprize, but of course said 'yes'. The ring was the first one she had chosen, and he said to her - didn't you see the card was missing. Her heart was racing...

Cheeky sod she said, gave him and a cheeky grin and ran back upstairs.

That was July 15 1997.

By July 20 1997 everyone knew there was a wedding planned. Finally she felt happy with her life - she was singing in her heart and was so proud of her man. She didn't feel like this with her first husband that's for sure!!!!

aww. I love your cheeky personality mylife. Happy times.

Before she knew it the date was set... March 1st 1997, venue Pinesong in Greenbay.. open carriage.. dress organised, SC was matron of honour and Peter's two nieces were bridesmaids as well as Beth's neice. SC's husband was a groomsman and Pete's best friend was best man, with Beths nephew as another groomsman.

The hen's party and bucks night came around very quickly.

It was scheduled for the week before the wedding. A hot stinky day... Beths started with dinner in a resturant in town.. with a belly dancer (she had to get up and dance and had wobbled in places she never knew wobbled) it was halerious when everyone got up and danced!!!

after that they went around all the night clubs in town, and Beth had to wear a sign saying "kiss me quick I'm getting married soon!" At first she was very aware of this to begin with, but after a couple of bottles of wine, she got over it..

Eventually the 'bridal party' - well those who were old enough to stay the whole night out ended up at Beths place at 5 am.. smelling like a brewery, and semi sober feeling given that they had danced the night away!!

Peter arrived home at 7.30 - have you just finished? Beth asked. No we wrapped up at around midnight.. and you?

Feeling slightly embarressed she said oh... about the same - with visions of Queen street, clubs, drinking etc going through her mind!!

She didn't go to sleep as they all had dress fittings at 8.30 - oopppsss..

Arriving at the dress fitting smelling like a brewery, Beth hoped that she could get home soon, to get some sleep, she was exhausted, suffering from the munchies and just wanting to shut her eyes

All in all the dress fitting went well, considering all of this. She looked at herself in the mirror. He dress was beautiful - it had a long train which could be 'hitched' up at the back for dancing. It was sort of victorianish in two tones - one was pearl and the other called rum (which she found amusing given the state she was in).

The next week was fine, sunny and hot, however when Saturday the 1st arrived, it was wet, rainy and gusty. People started to arrive at her home (Peter was staying at the best mans house) and she looked out side. Oh well she thought, guess we are having the ceremony inside! It was planned for outside, but wasn't to be. Little did she know how much fun the rain was really going to be.

After the makeup, hair do and dress fitting, she had photo's taken at home. The photographer mistakingly thought that Peters father was her's and included him in the photos (which she did not mind).

She then went downstairs with her part of the bridal party, and hopped in the car. The car took her to the horse and carriage... umm how do I get on that thing???

The rain started to pour as she was getting on the carriage, SC said, come on Beth and shoved her hand firmly on Beth's butt to give her a push. Beth ended up in her mothers lap (who was going with her to the ceremony in the carriage) - it only took a couple of minutes to get sorted and off they went. The top was up on the carriage and everything was fine. But....

opps a gust of wind caught the top of the carriage and Beth put her hand up to stop it from falling right down. As she did that she felt the back of her dress come undone - quickly grabbing the front of her dress she held onto it while her mother tried to do up the dress, and the footsman put the top on the carriage back up.

Beth was laughing about the whole thing, but her mother just couldn't get the dress done up!! They arrived at the ceremony (which was going to be outside, but because it was raining it was placed inside the chapel instead). SC came out (with people holding umbrella's over her) and managed to get Beths dress done up.

Finally she could get out of the carriage, with people holding up her train, others with umbrellas over her and more people with camera's than she had every seen in her entire life.

Squelch, squelch, squelch went her shoes... up the isle, she saw Peter waiting for her with a big smile on his face. She knew this was right. Squelch squelch... was all she could hear. She giggled, this appealed to her sense of humour.

The ceremony went well, and then the weather cleared for photo's. The bridal party went outside for photo's on the carriage and with the horse. In one photo, Beth was holding onto the horse's reins on one side of the horses head with Peter holding the other side. Beth felt the horse nudge her and lean against her when the photo was being taken and when she tried to walk away, she couldn't! The horse was standing on her train!!!

Peter saw this and started to sing "yellow river, yellow river" yes the horse decided to drop a massive pee and it was heading straight for her train!! They lifted that up and managed to avoid a stain of sorts. However the horse did leave a horseshoe mark completly ingrained in her train....

They all laughed it off!!!It was soooo funny

PRESENT DAY

19 August 2009

"So Beth, I haven't met you before, can you tell me a little about yourself" said the psychologist, smiling nicely.

She was lucky if she was 4 foot tall, built like a pin.

Umm Beth thought.. I don't know if I want to...

"Ummm I grew up in town, behind my parents dairy, ummm... my dad was in and out of hospital....here *hands and envelope* I have been posting on this great website called the Big Black Dog and have started my life story - I cut and pasted it into word for you to read. It makes good bedtime reading.. I am sure it will send you to sleep"

"great said the psychologist, but I want to hear this from you"

Oh fuck Beth thought. I kinda hoped she would just take it away and read it.

Peter looked at her with sympathetic eyes.

I don't want them to stare at me.. I'd better say something.

"umm" trying not to give anything away in body language "well, I have a brother who is around 7 years older than me and a sister who is around 8 years older than me. We lived behind a dairy in the city and Mum ran the dairy. Dad was in and out of hospital - he was the guinea pig for a mitral valve replacement op in NZ - did I tell you that? He was in hospital lots and was 20 years older than my mother"

She breathed a very heavy sigh..what the fuck else can I tell her without cracking up like a baby? How did I get to this?

"so how was school" she enquired.

"not that good, I was bullied badley and my brother teased me alot outside of school, even before I had started"

"what type of teasing?"

It was at that point Beth relaxed a little, suddenly she felt she could trust this person and talk to her about most things, so she rattled off alot of 'stuff' (which is a bit blurry to tell you the truth) and then the stinger came.

"So tell me have you tried to commit suicide recently - say in the last 6 months or so when these feelings have been heightened"

Double shit!

Bugger

I don't want to answer this

But I have to, to move forward, I think.

She started to tremble slightly.

"have you considered suicide?" she asked once more.

"Yes I have" came the reply.

"and how - what methods did you consider"

Beth tried to remain calm, her hands were sweaty and Peter moved forward and picked up her right hand and held it. She didn'tn even realise that tears were forming and sliding down her face.

She looked down at the table, and felt like a shamed teenager.

"overdosing on panadol" she tried to say.

"overdosing on panadol? Can I tell you something about panadol? Yes you can overdose on it but that won't kill you. What kills you is the liver damage and it is painful and slow. What stopped you?"

Fuck fuck fuck...now she really felt like she needed a change of nappies.

"um thinking about those who would find me, Peter and my children"

"often that is the thing that stops people from suicide. But your family would have had to watch you die a slow and painful death".

Tears were streaming uncontrollably.

Lots of swear words were going through Beths mind.

Peter was holding her hand and she realised she was holding his tightly.

She couldn't tell the psychologist about the trains. No.

More discussion evolved and ACC sensitive claims were brought up.

"you can have 5 sessions with me, but I really think you need to apply for ACC sessions. You have a low self esteem issue going on - possibly from teasing and bullying as well as your violent past relationship. Tell me why did you not leave him?"

"because I was scared"

"I strongly reccommend that you apply for this, and can write to your doctor for the claim - it is done through him. I also think you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Beth started to go numb. Her ears were muffled, her face was wet and her mood was going down slightly.

This is supposed to be good for me she thought. So I need to perservere. It is so hard, but I need to do this. God I feel sorry for Peter, he is the one that needs to mop this up.. Poor man

Oh.. poo's and wee's ..


She left with some information on PTDS and depression. Damn. Bugga

This is not going to be easy.

Pete's here...but she still felt low. Here she was, with the love of her life and treating him terribly...

*hugs mylife* I hope writing in the third person is making it easier for you to tell your story and process your thoughts.

Peter does sound like a great man, but don't believe that inner voice in your head that tells you he shouldn't have to deal with this. You are a great person, and YOU shouldn't have to deal with this. He is doing it because he sees value in you, he wants to help you, because he LOVES you.

The issues you are bringing up are hard enough to deal with without the guilt you are feeling in doing so. As you say its your life, you are in control, and you deserve to be given this opportunity to help yourself

Wow, Mylife, I don't know what to say except that you are a very brave lady.

I don't really feel that today though!!

The counsellor appears to have started a process within you. Getting you to take a look at things and bringing buried stuff up. It is great you can come on here and share and hopefully continue the process of dealing with the feelings the visit to the counsellor started. Hopefully this is the start of a healing journey for you.

I hope so too because it made me very sad and upset.

How are you feeling today?

ok I think. I'm not sure... but at least I remembered my med this morning (I forgot it yesterday).

I am not as confused and upset as I was last night. My poor boys and husband, seeing me like that.

How are you BB?

How old are your boys Mylife? Please stop worrying so much about how your husband is handling this. He is obviously happy to support you through your journey. Just imagine it was him who was in pain, I'm sure you would support him with all your heart.

8 & 9 - only 14 months between them. And yes of course I would.

You do have your work cut out. My boys have 18 months between them and I think they spent their younger years trying to kill each other. They get on great now but only because they live in different countries. One is in england the other in China.

haha

yes they are arguing alot with each other...hehehe

As she walked away from Procare she started to think back to her journal she had written and what was in it.

Would it shock this little lady who interviewed her? Will she judge me? What will the next one be like??

Hmm..

She thought back to where she had left her journal - her wedding night and remembered how keen both of them were to get to bed, only to find she had about a thousand pins in her hair, and man they could not get them out quick enough!!

The next morning came around to quick for their liking.. they just wanted to stay in bed and relax - but couldn't - the bridal party would be there soon for brunch and to see the presents getting opened. Plus they had to do some last minute packing for their honeymoon!

Their guests arrived, but there was someone missing - the best man and his wife!

Pete phoned them to find that she had given birth that morning 10 weeks early - so they had a good enough excuse.

Midnight quickly came and they boarded the plane. They were off on their honeymoon and in for a long flight - around 12 hours. Beth had never flown oversea's before, so she was pretty darn excited. They had both taken the homeopathic remedy 'no doze' so when they landed they would not be tired.

They didn't count on all of the shutters in the plane being closed due to the long sunrise they would be subjected to. They were the only one's in the plane not tired, couldn't turn on the lights because everyone else was sleeping. Instead Beth wrote out their thank you cards in semi darkness. She planned to send them when they landed.

They left midnight March 2nd, and landed 2pm March 2nd.

She felt good when her feet landed on American soil, wow, LA, wow, disney land, wow what a honey moon!!!

She was happy, giggly and not tired..

They were away for 21 days and she was going to enjoy herself.

27 August 2009

Nervously Beth arrived at Procare with Peter, for her second appointment. As she sat in the waiting room, she hoped they had forgotten her appointment and she could go.

Beth? Said the 4 foot pin with a smile, would you like to come down?

Bother, they remembered, she thought as she walked down the corridor, Peter by her side. How an earth did I get like this? What an earth happened to my life? When did I loose control?

I have to hold it together, Beth thought.

They sat down, Beth opposite the 4 foot pin, and Peter beside her.

"How's your week been?"

"I was a little drained and upset after the last appointment. I have been better since although I still have some bad thoughts - just not as often" Beth replied

Ok.

The conversation progressed, "we are going to concentrate on your self esteem" the 4 foot pin stated "once we get that under control, and change a few things in your day to day life, you might find you are a little happier" she was smiling and friendly, and Beth started to feel alittle more at ease and started to relax a bit. She took a deep breath and listened to what the 4 foot pin had to say..

She felt alot more confident when she left. Her palms weren't sweaty and she felt ok about holding Peters hand (last time they were so sweaty she didn't want to hold hands with him, but still did).

Ok, so she had three objectives now - make sure she takes a lunch break every day at work, go for a small walk each day at lunch time, and a small walk after work each day. Her me time. Oh yes, she needed to treat herself every so often too... so that was four.

Apparently that might make her feel better within herself.

And another thing, while she felt on the up and up, she needed to get into the ACC councilling.



29 August 2009

After going to a funeral of a good friend (the first friend to go) Beth opened the mail. Ugghhh... the ACC form ... bother umm well I had better fill it in this weekend.

It was in the mail, complete, first thing on August 31.

Good on you mylife!! Sounds like you are doing so well, and I agree with Bluebird, you are a very brave lady