Once upon a time

The nurses saw the humour in these events, after all if they didn't they would need to rehabilitate themselves.

She saw her first dead body in hospital as a nurse... she had to bath the body and get the lady ready for family viewing. Everytime she moved the lady the ladies eyes opened and remained open. In the end Beth talked to the ladies body and told her everything she was doing, after all she may have been dead, but she was not gone..

Later that week, Beth moved out of the nursing home into a flat in Mt Eden with Mr P - her fiance.

Independance was great but she really pined for Anton, and couldn't tell anyone.

Wedding plans were underway, and life was moving along, until one day a man in the geratric psycho ward had a fit and threw her against a wall - shattering her dreams of being a nurse -- but she didn't know that at the time.

She went to A & E and was told to go home. Going back to the ward to collect her things she saw a bell had been pressed for a patient she knew well. He was a diabetic patient who always thought he was in the middle of a paddock and needed to be 'checked back in'

She went into his room and saw this gentleman, thought 'what's the harm in taking him out again' so took the brakes off the bed and wheeled him all around the hospital for re checking him back into the hospital with the charge nurse, she found it fun as she could have fun with this chap and her imagination.

She reparked him in his room and told him he was ok now. Just as she left the room he rang his bell again...'nurse, nurse, I'm in the middle of a paddock" over she went, Now Mr x, you know we have just checked you into your room, you are ok. He gestured her over to him, and she went, he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her down forcefully "we are in the paddock, we are in the paddock, are you dumb or something!!"

Now incapacitated, she rang the bell several times. She couldn't get up. She couldn't move. All she could do is cry.

Part of the damage was temporary. She could move after a few days. She just now could not nurse.

Her fiance made sure she was comfortable at home and she looked for another job. Something she really, really didn't want to do.

Within a week, she managed a job Gilmours, but was labeled as lazy by the management as she didn't do alot of what was asked of her. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she just couldn't - so she lost her job within a year there.

In the meantime she married Mr P in a small ceremony and reception in the Domain wintergardens. The day was June 25 1983, and at just 18 she felt dispondant, worthless and lonely. Something she didn't think she would feel on her wedding day. Their parents argued all the time and upon her mothers insistance she wore a 'lady Di dress' with a bow and knee high skirt. She was not allowed the dress dreams were made of.

They had only been married a short while when they were over at a friends place watching Lorraine Downs win Ms Universe. When they came home the light switches wouldn't work in the flat - well the majority wouldnt - the bulbs had been taken out of the light sockets. There was one that worked and that was in the bedroom. When they turned that on they discovered that all they had in that room was thier bed, a few lightbulbs on the bed and one that had been taken apart and put back together with a substance inside it. They located a torch and looked around the flat. Nothing. The bastards had even stolen their months food, fridge and wedding cake top.

After a few hours the police came and finger printed the place, found the entry point and said the lightbulb was full of petrol and lux flakes. The felt the burglurs had been disturbed as they would have screwed it back in ready to explode when the light was turned on - mimicing a recent ironside programme.

What was worse was that all of their clothes had been stolen too - parents helped out with that and after a while insurance helped with the rest.

Later that year Beth saw some of thier clothes on a neighbours line but didn't want to face them, she wasn't ready for conflict.

Conflict found her.

Soon after finishing up at Gilmours, she secured a job at Southern cross healthcare, in their claims dept. She made friends there and often stayed for friday nite drinks - only a couple. They moved from Mt Eden to a flat in Greenbay and everything seemed to be going along just fine, until one night.

Her husband came home in a bad mood, grumpy and generally annoyed with the world. His dinner was not his liking and nothing settled him. He was agitated and angry in general.

Beth sat quitely watching TV and moved to the kitchen. An arguement started (over what she cannot remember) but she does remember being pushed over the sink and being strangled.

He was to strong. She couldn't fight. She was getting weak. His last words she remembers hearing were "you stupid bitch, don't argue with me, you do as I say"

Then she passed out.

She doesnt know how long it was before she came to. She had a black eye, marks around her throat, bruises around the inside top of her thighs and blood in her mouth. That she thinks was from her tongue. She thinks she bit it hard. She looked over and saw Mr P watching TV. Groggy, she got up, ouch, that was sore, ouch - that hurt. There was alot of blood on the floor, where her head was. It was cut - from what she doesnt' know.

"what are you doing"
"going to bed she muttered"
"your not going to work until the bruises have gone, I don't care what you tell them, the bruises are to heal up - no one is to know- if they do, well, you don't know what will happen"

She carried on into the bed room, and got changed. She looked in the mirror - her eye was awful, her throat looked like someone had tried to strangle her - well he had..she looked sad, and quietly sobbed. Why? why do men do this? why? She carefully got into bed and cried herself to sleep.

A few hours later she heard him come into the bedroom. She pretended to be asleep - hopefully he wouldn't disturb her. She still could not believe it. How would her life had been different if she had stuck with ingrown toenail man? She didn't cry, as she didn't want to wake him up. After a while she went to sleep.

hit me with your rhythm stick; hit me; hit me

Ian Drury's music pounded through the bedroom wall from the flat next door - it was 3 am. There was thumping "wow she thought, are they having outrageous sex or what?"

Don't go there said Mr P. Leave them to it. Lucky buggar getting his end away - hehehe at least she is consious!

Bastard she thought; rot in hell.

The next morning he went to work. He now had a job at Kirk Motors in New Lynn. He took their car, and left with parting words "don't do anything stupid, I'll track you down and get you - be warned".

she was home about a week, her eye swelling went down enough for her to camoflauge it and she wore skivvies to hide her throat. She couldn't stay away to long, questions would be asked.

She was too scared to leave. She kept to her self and let him satisfy him self whether or not she wanted him to. It was better this way than being forced - ripping and hurting all the way...

Then, a few weeks later; hit me with your rhythm stick; hit me; hit me - Ian Drury again at 2 am.

The next day was Saturday and Mr P had to go to work in the morning. It was then she saw her.

She was tall and blonde and hanging out washing. It was their neighbour. Ready to say something about the noise Beth walked down to the communal clothes line.

Hello she said - the lady turned around. Her face was black and blue. She had bandages around her hands, and Beth could see her ear was torn.

She looked sad. Upset, frightened. Would you like to come in for coffee she asked. Ok said Beth..

It turned out that when Ian Drury played she was getting beaten up. That was the thuds. Not sex. Not the headboard.

This time he came home drunk and took to her with a baseball bat. She could run fast and ran away, returning when he was not home. She warned Beth to stay inside tonight at she was getting the locks changed and he would be mad about that..

With a heavy heart, Beth listened to this womens story. She was a prostitute and her 'boyfriend' was a client she picked up and became friends with. This women was much worse than her.

Mr P came home and didn't find Beth at home - she saw him and told him she was next door and he came over. He was visably shaken with the level of 'damage' to this lady.. complete with the earring pulled through the ear.

Beth found this amusing he was upset, and he didn't touch her for several years after that.

A few months after seeing the neighbour (and after Beth became friends with her) Mr P was accepted into the airforce as an MP - something she was pleased of.. 3 months away from him while he trained in Blenheim.

She moved in with her parents on the outskirts of Auckland.

They were on a promise of an airforce house at his posting - but she didn't look forward to that.

Instead she looked forward to staying with her parents at the ripe of age of 20. She was delighted to find, that through retirement, her mother loved baking, cleaning and being a general housekeeper. When she left for work in the morning catching the 6am bus, she knew her bed would be made and dinner would be on the table when she returned at 7pm. She could relax, read a book if she wanted to, go for a walk, a swim at the local pools - she pretty much could do anything.

She took up a part time job at a local resturant and he mother would take her there and pick her up. She did have a car, an old car, but the motor blew up in it when she was moving her stuff to her parents house...

One night she couldn't sleep. Her room was next to her parents room and in these old houses, the walls were paper thin...oh gawd, what was she hearing? Her ears went red, her face went red too...she put the pillow over her head. Arrgghh... her father was 72 - she knew that!! thought it would stop functioning after a 'certain' age...come on hurry up...I want some sleep..........

The next day she couldn't look her parents in the eyes.

The day came around when she had to go to Blenheim to watch Mr P's passing out parade with the airforce. It was a lovely sunny day, hot and sunny, She was only there for a half day. They were assigned a 3 bedroom house in Hobsonville, right behind the hobsonville air force base.

Mr P graduated as a military policeman.

They moved into thier house a week or so later, a modest 3 bedroom house, with a sep toilet, bathroom, kitchen and dining room, and a small amount of grass. She made a vegie patch and every thing was almost peaches and cream again.

She met another man there - Glen who was also a military policeman. He became Mr P's best friend and close friend for Beth. Secretly she liked him, but never took it any further.

Mr P and Glen were on shift work - it was the nature of the beast really. Beth came home from work one day to find Mr P, Glen and a few other 'mates' watching a porno movie. They were all shouting and cheering the movies and didn't hear her come in. After she had been watching for a few minutes.,, she said, so how's everybodies days going?

It was hilarious - everyone grabbed a cushion and put it on thier lap...yeah yeah good, tough day really ..

She started to laugh - Ha! Tough ay?

Her 21st birthday arrived just after xmas. They had no money so decided to keep it simple - with a barbeque and drinks and dancing afterwards. Her parents turned up, her brother didn't, and her sister and brother in law turned up.

By now they had their first child, and he was around 8 months old. Beth always wondered why her parents idolised her older sister..she never did find out why. Her nephew was long and lean, born at 11 pounds 13 and 65 cm long, Beth had no concept of how big that was for a baby born naturally.

Her mother had made her a ceramic black panther. That was all she wanted.

Her family left early and they all partied until the early hours of the morning, and bodies were 'discovered' the next morning all over the house. What was also discovered was the fact that Mr P decided to take advantage of her while she was blotto. Flashes came to her the next week, the forcement, the hand over her mouth, the slapping to shut her up...

This was how it was to be for some time yet..she accepted that in the end.

((( Hugs MyLife ))) You have been through so much. It must feel so good for you to have it all out here huh? I really do believe this is sooo good for you.

Just thought I'd mention that I too have always felt that my parents loved my brother a lot more than they love me. I know it wasn't a major theme of your posts - but def something I can relate to.

Mr P did something very very wrong while he was a military policeman.

He stole.

One night, he had to much to drink, with a couple of mates that he worked with. They left her at home (thankfully) and went onto the base, into the helicoptor area and stole two helicopter helmets - complete with night vision goggles and lasers. They were the most highest spec helmets in NZ. They also took the suits and some other material items from the hanger.

Pleased as punch Mr P brought them home and hid them.

Mylife, you are an amazing person. You have been through so much in your life. I hope that sharing this helps you in many ways.

((((((((HUGS))))))))) xXx

Thanks Haley, I must admit I don't think i am amazing, And it is not until i read what I have written that I see what an awful life it really was. I just don't think of these events collectively, rather one by one and it doesn't seem to be that bad, but altogether it does
...

The first thing she knew about them was the knock at the door, several weeks later.


There were several military policemen there - some of them friends.

"Is Mr P home?" "not at the moment" "how long will he be?" "not long"

"oh well, we will be back then"

Mr P turned up eventually, and they returned and placed him under arrest. They searched the whole house and finally found them all under the house...to her horror she felt implicated in the crime.

Evidently he went to the airforce club and had to much to drink. He told his friends what they had done and thought it was a big laugh...but others heard to. He was such a twat!!

Her mother in law phoned for her weekly catch up call with her son. "I'm sorry he is not here now" she said in a shakey voice "he won't be home for a long time, possibly months, years"

"You see he has been arrested for theft" "what?" "he stole from the airforce and the Military police has arrested him, he's gone"..

"what are you going to do?" "leave him" "don't do that - he has no one? how can you leave him at this time, when he comes out he will have no one - you are so mean!" and she hung up.

She was guilt ridden, she must have done something to make him do this... she has to stay, it was all her fault.

He was released the next day - he looked ashamed and didn't talk to her - just pushed her to the side.

With his 'dishonery discharge' they lost their home, his job and security. She already knew that would happen and had arranged a flat for them in Mt Roskill.

They moved the next day, lost their bond on the house (he had told her not to go and clean it up - instead he layered rubbish in the house, complete with maggots and the like) and she was unsure of this man once more.

The flat they moved into was brick and tile, spacious with 2 bedrooms, rumpus room and garage. Their friend Glen left the airforce just after that (although he had nothing to do with the theft, he just wanted to leave) and they saw alot of him.

He brought various cars - mustang, hq holden, to name an couple. She like riding in these cars - but to drive them, it was just to much- to big. She was teased over this, and even she laughed at it all...

There were no more beatings for quite some time, but Mr P hid her pill - he wanted children, and she did not - not with him, never. He still forced himself on her, regularly and she just accepted that was the way it was to be. His grandparents won the 'golden kiwi'. This was a ticket purchased for a dollar. First prize was $100,000.00 - alot of money in those days, and before the lotto days. Their gift to him was a brand new bed.. they wanted grandchildren and made no secret of it.

Then one day she was ill, matter a fact it was several days in a row .. so she went to the doctor. Shit she was pregnant. No No NO! I don't want this!!

She was only about 9 weeks.. grr...

Mr P's reaction was elation which turned into anger a few weeks later when she said she didn't want it. She didn't want children to him never, and he was angry with that. He lost his temper - slap! smack! then it all started again, punching within a clothed area so no one could see, and then came the fatal kicks to her stomach.

The sac that held that baby ruptured and she began bleeding almost straight away, he rushed her to the doctor who asked what happened "I fell down our stairs - stupid two left feet", well that fall has just cost you the baby. You now need to be admitted for a d & c.

She was admitted that night and the d & c was performed the next day. She doesn't remember much and unfortunately the bruises hadn't started to come out. She had hoped they would so others would see....she just couldn't find the words to tell.

Her parents visited her at home "don't worry" said her mother "I miscarried my first you will ok" and gave her a cuddle. Mr P will look after you..little did she did not know about Mr P and his temperment....

She was sad about the 'miscarriage' she didn't know why, she didn't want the child, but it upset her immensly.

Here she was at 23, what had she achieved. Nothing, she felt her life was nothing. She was the flower painted on the wallpaper while everyone else was included in the garden, having fun. She wasn't allowed fun, unless she was told she could, and then it was with strict rules.

'don't drink, your driving' 'don't talk to so and so - they are black and I don't like them' 'don't do this and don't do that'.

By this time she was working at the department of social welfare. The very place that should pick up on what was going on. But no one did. Both of them made sure noone would see.

One day, after busting in on a mother on dpb and her live in boyfriend, she was asked to observe for a social working case.

What she was observing was the actions of a little girl, she was 7 and hadn't spoken to anyone since she was 5. If the case made it that far, Beth's account of the observation would be used in court.

She stood behind the one way mirror, watching the little girl with the dolls. She seemed happy - why wouldn't she talk?

The social worker picked up two dolls - one was daddy, and one was his daughter. She asked the little girl to show her what her and daddy did, at first she made them go for a walk..play at the playground. Then she put daddy's penis in his daughters mouth, and then in her vagina and moved them all around.

Beth was upset with this, but she didn't know why. Her memory had erased that part of her life at this point of time.

She recalled it all on paper for the court if need be, and she would be called upon as a witness if it got that far.

As she walked home, she knew something didn't make sense to her. Why was she so upset.

arrgghhh brain block

She didn't mention any of this to Mr P. When he arrived home, he had a few work friends with him - male and female. And then Glenn turned up. Mr P turned around and said in a loud voice during the evening (and in a drunken stupor) "hey have you met my wife - she's up for anything you know - go on Glen you have a go with her, she would like that"

Glen looked at him frozen, no it's ok, thanks. She could tell he was very uneasy with this situation. Best I go.

"Oh so she isn't good enough for you ay? Just like she ain't good enough for me"

The tears were starting to swell, she felt so humiliated. Someone in the group laughed - a nervous laugh..and she ran, she ran away, she didn't know where to or what she was going to do, she just ran.

Later that night, she was picked up by the police, while she was crossing the road. It was 4am.

"morning ma'am" "whatcha doing?"

"nothin"

"where do you live"? "Mt Roskill" "hop in the car ma'am - do you have id on you?"

She handed over a bill to them and her drivers licence to prove who she was.

The car moved towards Mt Roskill, and they dropped her off. hmmpphh, they didn't go until they saw her go through the front door. 'you'll be safe here'.

Little did they know she didn't feel safe.

He was snoring - well asleep. Thoughts were going through her mind, very dark thoughts. She wanted to go, but she felt she had no where safe to go, he would find her. She didn't want to tell her family anything -they wouldn't understand. So they were oblivious to it all.

Nothing untoward happened for a long time - apart from the fact he kept on offering her to all his friend - Glenn, Willie and who ever else he managed to introduce her to.

Eventually they brought a house in West Auckland - in Sunnyvale - at a modest price. The area was not expensive, but it was sufficient. It was here she found out about his girlfriends. Never coming home at night and receiving many, many phone calls for him, she called his bluff. He denied it and slapped her. How dare she make that accusation! That night was not a nice night for her. As time went on she found out he had several girlfriends, almost one for every night of the week.....and she found out by taking messages for him...every night, a different girl.

She even said to one of them "oh so your so and so, the wednesday girl - not so and so the monday girl or so and so the tuesday girl or ....." The girl hung up in her ear - and she received verbal abuse for her trouble..

It was also here that he became a gun collector - he had a licence, put in the safe, and complied with every rule there was.

She moved on from Social Welfare to work at Auckland Airport - as a security officer.

She had lost interest in this marriage and wanted to leave. She was ashamed that at 25, she would potentially be divorced.

The good thing about being a security officer was the shift work. She signed up for every shift she can to save up and go. She also met another fellow security officer - Mr D who showed an immense amount of interest in her.

She was very flattered and it was for that very reason she left Mr P while he was on a hunting trip. She now knew that she could find someone else (but not Mr D as he was married) - She left him a note and said don't try to chase me, and took two cats, a dryer, her clothes and the old Hillman superminx they had.

She left to go flatting with another security officer - Vic. Vic was also a gun collector and belonged to the same club as Mr P, but she didn't tell him Beth was flatting with her.

Vic was, at the time going out with a man Beth adored. She would look at this fellow and think - now why can't I get a great decent man like this? He was kind, funny and gave her, what she fantised was a special look. While she had only moved a week before, in reality she had left Mr P a few years earlier and knew she was ready to move on...

She loved her job. All that contact with overseas people, watching people pray to Alla, the asian's all bowing as they walked off thier plane - just because she looked at her shoes as they were all approaching....hehehe

She was having fun there, and somehow, people seemed to know she was "on the market". Steve in baggage make up always spoke to her and became quite flitatious. They talked about lots, children (he had 2) relationships (he was divorced) and life in general. She had a naturally chatty nature (ie she couldn't stop talking) and she hoped he would ask her out.

A few days after seeing Steve alot at work, Vic's 'man' started to talk to her...oh dear...she found it difficult to co ordinate her words...she found herself blushing every time she spoke with him.... stammering..stuttering, fat tongued, she had never been like this before - her palms were sweaty too....

Beth heard from Vic she wasn't going out with him anymore...as a matter a fact she introduced them -- oh this is my flatmate Beth, she's just left her husband and is looking for another *shit* she thought...arrrggghhh you have a way with words.

'hi' he said, and she sighed. Hi again - my name is Beth...what was yours?

Clammy handed, she walked away from a brief discussion with him. Err... umm featured alot, collar adjusting also featured alot...why did she have these butterflies??????

"God what have you been doing?" someone asked at screening point - your so red in the face.

nnnothing...she said...*this has never happened before* *christ hold it together girl* Opps there he is now....

He came walking down the pier looking at her...their eyes locked...mmmm his were a lovely brown colour....

They spoke at screening point, and she became nervous again.. as he walked away she smiled and waved a small wave, and he reciprocated...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

Every day she was rostered on she looked out for him, hoping hoping. Everyday she was rostered on at Baggage make up and sometimes Steve was there...

She started to get nervous, feeling like she had led him on. She wasn't sure of her self now.

Meanwhile, she flatted with Vic at Vic's house.

One day at work Vic's man started to talk to her alot, and she controlled her stammering, but not her sweaty palms...good god - I'm 26! can't i hold it together???

Soon they started to see one another a lot at work and his working companion would walk with him and then, he would just walk off and dissappear, leaving them to talk more..

Vic came home one night and said "I think Pete is going to ask you out soon - go for it, we aren't right for one another" She couldn't believe what she was hearing... Vic went out with Pete after her boyfriend split with her, and was technically still going out with him..

She was secretly overjoyed, he was he?

She worked every shift she could, just in case she saw him - as well as working during the day he also did call in's - which was rostered.

She did not know that he asked her collegues where she was rostered on when he was at work, and searched her out. His buddy was always with him, and when they met up the buddy would always walk on.

One day she was in baggage make up - Steve was too... "hey whatcha doing Saturday' hmmm she said I'm not sure yet, I think I have something planned can I get back to you?

That afternoon Peter asked her out, for Saturday night - great she wasn't rostered on - and of course she said...."umm ok"

Making sure she was on baggage make up she told Steve she would be unable to make a date on Saturday.

Her final shift was on Thursday night - so she had Friday off..and so did Vic.
"hey lets go to Cobb n Co for dinner" Vic said.

And off they went. They had dinner, Vic battered her eyelashes at the waiter and flurtered with the barman, man she was a rash!!!

They moved to a different part of the building - there was a live band and they got up to dance - yay! haven't done this for a long long time!! Beth let her hair down and so did Vic, they were enjoying themselves.

They were picked up by a couple of men - Beth detected an irish accent from one and they talked and danced up a storm well into the early hours of the morning.

They lads took them home... and .... had coffee.

Beth went into the kitchen to make another coffee before she went to bed. She quite liked this lad and sat up on the bench waiting for the jug to boil. he stood in front of her and they kissed and became well, intertwined.

His hands were all over her, had undone her bra and was generally having a good time exploring her top half. She didn't mind, she knew what he was after - it was quite apparent through his jeans, but then suddenly thought "what am i doing" "i'm going out with Pete tommorrow, I don't want to blow the chance at something good"

Stop! she said, what? he said... ummmm I need to go to the bathroom...he followed her to the bathroom and she went into the toilet and closed the door. He was expecting to follow her into the bathroom, but couldn't. Once there, she redid up her bra, and flushed the toilet (to make him think that is why she was there). She recomposed her clothes and hair and went out - he grabbed her, sorry, she said, ummm moods gone...

hmmppphh ... what? can we start again?

nope - gone completely...(she was thinking I really don't want to stuff up the future).

Eventually the guys left, begrudgingly... and Beth went to bed alone (as did Vic) and she thought about what she was to wear the next night.

The next day arrived and she was a nervous wreck. He had asked her to meet him at his house, which she did.

She wore a red Military style dress, with gold buttons, Black high heels and black pantyhose, and for what it was worth, she wore some make up.

She arrived at his house, and found he was still building his house. He showed her through the house and offered her mallowpuffs and tea to begin with. There was no furniture, as he was still at home - across the driveway.

She couldn't construct her words properly. He was also building a boat - a 21 foot Hartly which was in the garage ..she found that interesting.

They went to a restuarant and had dinner and ended up back at his parents house to watch a movie.

She didn't care what they did, she would have done anything.

It looked like everything was going to be ok from now on...

She returned home about midnight. At last a man that treated her nicely, a man that wanted to be nice to her, a man she felt something for that she had never felt before.

She didn't want to scare him away, but she wanted to be in his face, all the time.

The next day, she phoned him - 'whatcha up to?' Not much.. just sanding down the boat.

There were alot of ums and errs, and eventually she ended up hanging up after the conversation ended.

Why was she like this?

Getting ready for work, she was tempted to stuff toilet rolls down the toilets, flush them and clogg them up. Then he would need to be called in to fix them - hehehehe..but she didn't.

Over the next couple of weeks, she was in his face, sanding his boat, going fishing (something she had never done before) and getting horribly horribly sunburnt.

She met his parents, and he met hers. But unlike the first time around both sets of parents got on well, she was pleased with that.

Then they planned 'an evening'. His parents were away, so they did not have to sneak into the house he was building. She finished her shift at the airport at 10.30 and drove to his house. He had been out flounder spearing with a friend. They had a few flounder and were just sitting down having a quiet beer when the doorbell rang.

Of course it was her and Pete very kindly said to his friend - I think you should take your beer and fish home now.... go on...go!!

...and then their evening began.

Can't wait for the next episode.

The next morning came around very suddenly - but she didn't care.

They did everything together and virtually lived in each others pockets. Here she was at 26 blushing like a 14 year old, and he was busy fussing over her..all the time.

It didn't take long before she suggested that she move in some of her stuff - well she spent more time at his house and not hers.. and she was collecting a couch from her sister that weekend.

HA Ha said her sister, Now I get to meet Peter, Peter Pumpkin eater, and who is the pumpkin.

She glared at her sister who just laughed it off. ... luckly the guys were out of ear shot.

Hmmm said Beth to her sister...how did the arm of the sofa get broken...it is all wonky.....

Never you mind, comeon lets lift, and out the sofa bed went to the hallway, where the blokes picked it up and put it on the ute. On the way to his house, she said..I'm glad it's going over to your house, it will give us somewhere to sit..she was fantasising over not just leaving it there, but leaving all of her stuff there.

Gosh I can't think like that she thought, he is decent and I have only known him a few months!!!

But she still savoured the thought.. and shut her mouth.

It was their first christmas together, and they went to both families - hers' saying he reminds me of so and so.. and as they liked Mr so and so she took it as a compliment. His family wasn't so full on, but the meal was... ugghh two christmas dinners in one day!

She knitted him a jumper and he brought her a watch..when she saw a jewellery box she had hoped for something else.

They enjoyed the next few months together, when they decided to move in together. One day, they retrieved everything that was hers from the flat she was hardly at, and plonked in his house. Yay, she thought, this is it. This is my second chance, I can't stuff this up...'cause it is too good.

She stayed over at his parents house (in separate rooms as his parents were there) and asked him the next morning - so have you told your parents that I am moving in with you? Umm no, not yet...

A few minutes later - and armed with a cuppa tea for her - he came in and told her that his mother was told that her two cats were moving in and they needed someone to look after them so Beth was too.. His parents didn't take the news too badly (thank goodness) - and she couldn't wait.

The smell of new paint, new wallpaper, new everything was what she dreamt of, and most of all, she could see herself having a lifetime with this man, having his children and getting married to him - not ness in that order....

Life was sweet, and it was worth living. Her past had started to become a very, very distant memory..

Love it! Sounds like you are a very lovable person Ms MyLife

Beth had some great experiances at the airport. Travellers came and went and provided plenty of entertainment!!

An argentinian flight came in one night and there were alot of passengers were in transit - shopping, being happy. But one thing she did notice was that the ladies on these flights were buxom, loud, and 'pushy'.

One night, when this particular flight was in, several of these ladies arrived at screening point. One particular lady put her bag on the conveyour belt and walked through the metal detector. Beth was on the screen (ie the tv screen which "xrayed" bags to see the contents) when she heard the walk through metal detector go off.

"Just your bangles please" said the man on the converyor loader - which she forfieted until she was 'on the other side'.

She walked through again, the magnotometer went off again "ah must be your leather jacket - please put it through the conveyor" the loader requested.

She was down to a singlet top and was clearly agitated. Walking through the metal detector again, it went off, again.

She sighed, walked back to the loader, lifted up her top and said ' see there's no metal in these!!!'

Presented with the biggest pair of boobs he had ever seen the loader went bright red, flusterred and let her go through (yes the metal detector went off and they found keys in her pocket..)

Another memorable funny moment was the elderly couple who were going oversea's for thier granddaughter's 21st. They were carrying a present wrapped in foil wrapping paper - which the xray could not see.

Again Beth was on 'tv duty', and saw this go through. She grabbed the bag as it came out of the conveyor itself and asked the couple if it was thier bag - yes it was. She searched the bag and found the parcel -"I just need to put this through the xray again"

Beth placed it on an angle and could see into the parcel..

Oh.... oh my...

hmmmm...

"that's fine ma'am" she said ... we can see what it is...

What was it? Asked the lady..."that would spoil the surprize for you" Beth said.

No, please tell us!!

She couldn't bring herself to tell them, instead she turned the screen around for them to see. There is was...all 8 inches of it... a big fat, round vibrator!!

The grandparents walked away bright red!!


After a short while, after moving in with Peter, Beth realised that between his on call weekends and her shift work, they had one weekend off together for the next year.

She wanted to change that!

So she started to look for another job. While she loved her job at the airport, she felt he was more important than that.

She loved the fact she was trained in 'oddball' skills (like how to search an aircraft for bombs, operating the bomb robot, being able to handle pressure - like hyperdemic needles in an aircraft searchers finger after pulling apart a seat). She loved the contact with travellers - in the main they were happy people, and loved the contact with workers at the duty free shops, customs, police and the airport company itself.

But she was willing to give all of this up - and hit the papers.

She applied for several jobs but was declined due to "lack of experiance", But then, she scored an interview at a courier company because she had been trained in TQM - a new concept for the day.

She secured that job and immediately started work in thier customer services department.

hmm customer services...

hmmm...

This meant disgruntled customers (around 60 calls a day each) chasing parcels, and disgruntled couriers who were under stress.. While she didn't mind the customers being disgruntled, but she found it difficult to cop flack from the couriers who would consistantly publicly tell the customers services people off over the RT - swearing and being generally abusive.

One of thier customers was a stationery supplier - and they liked her manner. They had an opening in thier customer services and encouraged her to apply, which she did. They were located just around the corner from the courier company so it was easy for her to walk around at lunchtime for he interview.

Beth started a month later, and found this job less demanding and the people were good to work with.

Unfortunatly Peter's mother was very sick and this was irreversable. She died in 1993 and Beth remembers visiting her the morning she died. She was hanging on - and while she was in a natural coma, Beth spoke to her.

She said they would look after Peter's dad, and that her time had come. She would look after Peter and that she needs to be released.

Good friends of the family were looking after her, nursing her, with his father and at 9.50 Beth returned to the office to a message to phone them at home.

She started to shake. No, no. The phone rang, phew a customer, an order, phew. She was still shaking.

The phone rang again and she got it. Beth? yes? she recognised the voice.

She's gone. I'll be there soon she said.

Shaking, she told her boss what had happened and returned home. There she was, lying instate. Different to the people she had nursed, very different.

Peter was very upset and kept on holding Beth, he didn't want to let go.
She said her goodbyes to his mother and heard the funeral directors arrive. She was disgusted that Peter and the family had to help get his mother into the body bag - surely that was thier job? The director interviewed them about her life and arrangements were made. Beth's stomach was lurching, it had a rock as well, she walked around shocked, and couldn't stop crying when she talked about this.

That day, Beth took it upon herself to phone friends to tell them the news. It was more difficult than she had ever imagined. Then the flowers started to arrive.

Her composure really started to falter.

After the 20th bunch, she vowed and declared she never wanted another bunch of flowers ever again.

She also took it upon herself to write the 'thank you cards' on behalf of her father in law and Peter...another tough thing to do.

In total she was off work only 4 days.

She had to come back to work the day after she died as "it wasn't her mother and there would be nothing for her to do" but the following few days she took off. Peter took longer.

It took a long time for life to return to relative normality. It was odd seeing only Peters father across the driveway. Often she expected to see his mother.

Life was never the same, after she had gone.

For many years, they were very happy - a few times Beth asked Peter to Marry her. Both times were on Feb 29... and both times she sent flowers to his work (with a smelly card....) - both times he didn't take it up which bothered her immensly.

She had blocked out alot of the past - the abuse, the bad times, from both her childhood and as an adult. Times were good - cookies and cream once more.

It was sweet, wonderful and well organised. The house was now their home, clutter free and organised - every thing had its place.

Once night, they were at a friends house for dinner - Peter and his school friend had drunk 2 bottles of rum between them (they were fairly happy after that), and the friends wife tried to get him to sign a contract stating "I Peter, will marry Beth within one year of the date of this contract"

Well, he may have been merry, but he wasn't stupid. He changed the date to 2010 and signed it quickly...not going to catch him that way. Although she could see the humour in this, Beth was horribly dissappointed, and she started to feel desparately inadequate.

The time flew and before she knew it the year was 1995.

She was turning 30!! wow! 30!

Crikey, how did I get this old????

Peter made a brick spit and a party was planned... loads of people ...loads and loads of people.....

loads of food, bit of alcohol and ...errr loads of people.

The garage was cleaned out, the music was going and Beth has tooooooo much to drink...

She was very very happy and was circulating around the guests (with a bit of a sway on...) and went to check on Peter's oldest niece and her friends at the end of the driveway. They were all in their early teens...drinking and having fun.


Beth walked across the road to try and get them back to the party - she wanted to know that everyone was there, and no one was to go 'walkies'.

Instead of managing to saunter across the road with a great degree of confidence, she walked a crooked line, hicupping all the way ... and instead of saying "hey why don't you guys come back up to the house" she kinda said ..hhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy..... wwwwwhhhhhaaaat cchha o doin'..

they all laughed at her - ok said one of the boys and before she knew it he had picked her up and she was over his shoulder. He stood in the middle of the road (their driveway was on a blind corner) and spun around with her over his shoulder...... ewwww... she thought and before she knew it she was waking up in the middle of the road.

Before she came to fully she could hear, aw f***, com'on lets go...shit shit shit..and then she heard running.

She doesn't think she was out for long and could hear everyone up at the house, she could hear the music, she could hear the chatter, she could hear the chatter and she could hear cars coming down the road.

She got up quickly... ohhhhh... holding her head.... not good.....

ummm better get back to the party.

She ventured up to the driveway and wondered where the kids went to. She smiled at everyone and carried of for a few minutes or so.

She felt queezy, she felt headachy she had to sit down...

And sit down she did.

Around the other side of the the house there is a deck, she went around and sat on the edge and started to hyperventerlate.

She panicked.

She didn't know what to do. Her head hurt and she sat there and sobbed. Why?

Why does nothing pan out for me? She didn't know why she thought this...she just put her face in her hands and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed.

And then she sobbed more.

Her friend SC found her and asked what was wrong - and another came up to help. She was still crying and people were leaving. She was sure they thought she was just drunk.

She clambered up the stairs to bed... ohh... my head...they put an ice pack on her head and told her to rest. She kept on talking and sitting up, talking and sitting up...sitting up and talking...

She felt down and didn't really know why. Eventually the last people left (at around 2am) and she managed to go to sleep, waking the next morning feeling only slightly shady.

Surprizingly she remembered everything (or so she thought)

She met her friend SC kinda coutesy of Peter's ex girlfriend. They were over at Kay's place for new years eve of 1993 (ie 1992 turning to 1993) when Kay was talking about a diploma she had started.

According to her, she was exceptionally bright - she got an average of B+ in the topics she took, and they were easy peesy... Kay felt compelled not to carry on as they wouldn't benefit her at all, but they were easy!

Beth thought, if she can do it, I can do it better - I can prove I am just as good as her, and I will prove that I am better.

I need to be better she thought, and the very next week she enrolled in a course - Accounting 100 - at Unitec in Auckland

She needed to do the exact same courses as Kay, to prove she was just as good.

Her first class was in what seemed to be a prefab building. Sitting at a desk to the left of the class her teacher turned up. She had really blonde curly hair, and could not be missed.

They started to talk about debits and credits, journals and computer programs. Ahh she understood the latter, but the rest pffft.. what was that?

She couldn't keep up and she thought they were talking a new language. T-accounts ? what?

She felt like she couldn't do this, and she couldn't cope, but she didn't want' to face up to that fact. She didn't want peter to know she struggled. Yet .. there was a girl in the middle of the class who was getting everything right.

The next class, she sat next to her. Her name was SC and she was very bright. It was almost as if she had written the curiculum...

woah my life,ive been chocking back tears while reading this, i really admire your strength!

Beth talked to SC and asked how she got the answers she was getting. "its easy when you know how" she was told "I do this for a living" .

Beth just felt inadequate and didn't know why she thought she just wasn't good enough. She kept the thought of Peter's ex in the back of her head, and what she had said. If she can do it, so can I. I'm out to impress Peter, that's the only way I'll keep him, he needs someone smart and I'll prove I am.

The second or third night she sat beside SC, she resigned herself to the fact that she was no comparison to her - here she was tall, dark haired, intelligent, and getting top of the class every night. She just couldn't compete, there was no way she could, after all, she was blonde, shorter, dumber and way to stupid to hold down a job like SC did.

Her moment of glory arrived. One assignment where she got the same marks as SC - yay! Intelligence was there!

She was so pleased with herself she raced home to tell Peter - passing SC along the way - little did she know she was being tailed by a cop car - uuggghh.

Yes she got pulled up and SC waved at her as she went past - much like she did when she passed SC grrr.... that wasn't meant to happen. Gawd I was doing how much in a 50 k area??? 68? blast. Thank you officer - I think..

Crushed once more, she carried on home. Why do I do this, why do I fail at everything? Why is everyone better than me? why can't life just deal me a break?

Later that semester SC invited Beth and her partner to her place for dinner the following Saturday, which she said 'love to'.

Saturday rolled around and Beth and Peter rocked up to SC's house. She answered the door and Peter recognised her as being an ex girlfriend of one of his neighbours friends. They met her husband, and the evening went well - well as it could for Beth.

She noticed that Peter spent alot more time talking to SC than anyone else and while she knew it was unintentional, it bugged her. She looked around her, this couple had everything, a good job each, good possessions and not struggling. Not like her, SC was attractive and they had family that cared for them immensly.

Beth didn't know it then, but she was comparing to a path of self destruction and ruin.....by this stage she felt completely inadequate, nothing to offer to the world and nothing to offer to Peter - SC and her husband had perfect lives, with perfect jobs and a perfect house.. and perfect possessions. The only thing perfect to Beth in her life, was Peter...........

Life went on and that semester went ok. Beth finally passed with a "B", SC went on and passed with an A+

As a matter a fact SC managed A+'s in alot of the topics, she even got awards for how well she did.

Beth felt small, inadequate. Often she thought of ending her life because she was 'so dumb' - after all, Peter's ex could get B+'s in the first few courses and although Beth's average in the first year was B+ she felt she could, and should, do better.

She just wanted to be the best, and no matter how much she strived for it, she couldn't be...she was worthless, hopeless and ..why did she put herself through this???