Once upon a time

Should get back to the story now, will update shortly

Taken from diary extract

7 June 1999

Dear Diary

Why now? I would have been 35 weeks pregnant, getting ready to leave work, all excited. But.....now I am not pregnant at all. SC is. I never want to see her again. She can piss off. As a matter a fact I don't want to see anyone ever again. The only way to do that is to die. I really wish something bad would happen to her. But of course, it won't. I'm going to drop her as a friend. She is not understanding or empathetic. She couldn't care less about me.

I just feel so strongly about this - when I fall pregnant again (if I live long enough) I will not tell Peter untill the 16th week. I will never tell SC because I don't want her around. She can go to hell and so can her baby!

14 June 1999

Dear Diary

I have worked out that when I feel okay, I look back on my thoughts and freak out and feel bad and destructive again. From now I will not look back on past entrys in my diary. They are too depressing.

Anyway, have changed my tablets. Went to the pharmacy after going to the LIbrary on Friday. I told a lady called Bronwyn, who was very nice, what was wrong and did they have a natural remedy for settling down hormones. She phoned a naturopath at thompsons and they recommended a tablet called pregnacare - to be taken before, during and after pregnancy. It is full of vitamins and minerals which appear to have helped. Folic Acid was another tablet that the naturopath recommended taking with it.

So I purchased them and was put on their mailing list. So far I think they are doing some good. I feel a great deal calmer and a bit happier.

As I had mum staying Saturday night and thought she was staying last night, but didn't, I took today off work also. So I am cleaning out all of my clothes. I am throwing out every single piece of clothing SC gave me - sort of like a real cleansing of the soul it felt like. I think that I try to much to be like someone else because I think they are popular - I am not going to do that.

I have really tried hard in recent weeks not the be like someone else. I am me. I have my own identity. No one can and should change me - least of all me!!

I must accept that noone else is perfect and that I am the best.

Another decision I have reached is that about my studies. I felt that I was really just trying to be like SC and finishing before January 2002. That doesn't matter to me.

Family is more important and my family - ie Peter - is suffering because I decided to take 2 subjects a semester. Presently that is too much with my current workload so I have sent my course fees via fax to the enrolments section at Unitec, and have asked them to withdraw me from Management Accounting and to enrol me in Corporate law only. I asked them to process the payment via mastercard.

That will tick SC off. She will think I have done that because she is in that class. Don't flatter yourself, I am not doing Management Accounting to avoid you. Corporate Law is on a Monday night - early in the week gets it over and done with and the exam is at the beginning of the exam schedule - giving a longer break over christmas.

June 22 1999

Dear Diary

Well just plain old ran out of time yesterday to write. Peter was off work yesterday on holiday to work around next door and a friends house.

Well my back ache comes and goes...I don't feel bloated but have a full feeling all of the time. Heaps of small pimples and small intermintent pains in my abdomen, but think that is because I need to go to the bathroom...speaking of which I have been to bathroom so much that I should live there at the moment!!

Feel less grumpy, but do loose patience when I am tired which I was last night. Period due to arrive and hasn't, but may do in the next 3 days or so.


23 June 1999

Well Peter has taken the day off to work around the rental property. We meet up with the Tenant tonight for an inspection.

As for the 'period' symptoms, loads of pimples (yuck!) sore boobs (normal), but feeling nauceouw. Woke up during the night and felt like I wanted to be sick. Backache still comes and goes and I have a 'rust' mark on my left thumb - don't know where that came from.

Today is day 28..

24 June 1999

Couldn't wait until last night, so have done a test - guess what - I'm pregnant again!!

I am finding it a little hard to believe myself and am a little apprehensive. But inside, there is a real sense of pride. Finally my body has worked! I only hope it works all the way through (I worked it out that it is due March 3 2000) - Told Peter.

My rust mark has almost all gone - Must have washed off.

I have no regrets about the was I feel about SC - or have felt. But I do feel we need to make amends.. I will phone her shortly.

Tonight we are going over to the rental property to clean up after the pigs. Apparently the place is a shambles. Oh well to be expected I guess...

6 July 1999

Opps skipped a few days,

Terrible to think that by next Saturday (the 17th) we may have had a baby. Well, I guess it may have been extremely bad timing, what with the finances and tennant moving out. Oh well,

Sometimes I wonder if there are stronger (outside) forces working for us. My clairvoyent said that my spirits are working hard for me and that everything will turn out well for it.

I often wonder if one of my spirits is my dad. It just seems coincidental that the week I concieve is the week closest to his birthday and that I am due very close to our anniversary. Everytime I have 'burning boobs' I am very happy - If it doesn't happen then I think - whats wrong?

I am going to buy some pregancy tests to do once a week for the next 4-5 weeks. So long as they stay positive, I feel I am doing ok.

10 July 1999

Well the scan went really well. As at Thursday I was 6 weeks one day pregnant. And the 'baby' was 5mm long with a very strong heartbeat (we could certainly see it). Very encouraging.

Why am I still like this? I still hate/loathe SC. Peter is doing work for her husbands business. When they met up the other night he said SC gets up 2 times (about) a night and throws up. All I could think of was 'good, make her suffer - she deserves it'. I have no regrets, thinking like that because that is how I feel - But then I do think, why am I like this? I still hope she loses the baby - she has always had things her way.

Sent her husband a basket of goodies for his birthday yesterday - didn't even get a thank you call! They went out or at least didn't answer the phone last night. Can only surmise that they went out - thanks for inviting us - you obviously don't want to be friends anyway - Fuck off outta my life.

12 November 1999

Dear Diary

Well SC and her husband's new addition to their family is a boy - weighing in at 6 pounds something on 10 November 1999. When they phoned us to tell us last night I was so angry! I just didn't want to talk to anyone. But I had to as we had Peters sister and her family over for his birthday dinner.

Anyway, my anger got worse and worse. When we went to bed I came down to sleep in the spare bed citing the heat as a reason not to sleep in the top floor.

I started to think about how selfish I and heartless I was. I shouldn't be here, nor should I have a baby - because of this I did not want to be close to Peter - or rather I did not want him close to me! I was ready to self destruct.

To cut a long story short, he came downstairs and persuaded me to back up to bed with him. Once he was back asleep I got up as I had trouble breathing. All these thoughts went through my head, why did dad die? why did I lose my baby? why everything?

After about an hour or so I opened the bathroom window and started to hyperventalate. I faced outside trying to steady myself against the vanity, saying 'i must die' over and over.

Once I calmed down I went back to bed. Got as far as my side of the bed and burst out into tears. Here I was, almost 35, trying to keep her balance and disguise her sobbing, returning back to the bathroom I sat on the step up to the shower and with head in hands, just sobbed and sobbed and wept so much.

It ran down my arms as I cradled my head - and it dripped on the floor. I stayed there until around 1.30 am when Peter woke up, turned on the light wondering where I was.

I tried to regain my composure and eventually went back to bed. He kept on asking me 'what's wrong' and eventually he worked out I was ver pissed off with SC - we had a very intense conversation and I soon began to realise that it wasn't everyone else I hated - it was me I hated!!

After a while all I could say was why - I want the old Beth back - I hate this new Beth - and then I cried buckets more.

I think that was a real turning point for me - I finally worked out what was wrong. We also worked out that I was still grieving. The pain I felt was very real, but what could I do about it?

Hi Beth it's good to see you writing again -you write very well by the way. Through reading what you have written, it seems like you have been through a lot of hardship in your life. You probably don't think this, however, I want to tell you that you are stronger than what you think you are. Please take care of you because you are worth it!

Thank you

2002

Beth needed to go back to work. Peters business was doing well, but a bit sporadic - typical of a reactive service business.. only called when hot water cyclinders stop heating for example. He was also endeavouring to 'get into the movie business' which was more who you know not what you know.

Beth applied for a job through a major recruiting agency. She went for the initial interview, completed tests (which were a piece of cake) and managed a second interview at the major supermarket chain. She was applying for a position completing the chains store accounts. Factory accounting she thought - but it would be a good way to get into a Chartered Accounting Practise - which is where she wanted to be. It would provide her with the basic's of how chartered accounts are done, rather than monthly accounts in an industrial environment.

She secured the position and later in her first month she started PAS - Professional Accounting School.

PAS ended up being a challenge. It consisted of workshops every 5 weeks, and she found herself completing around 150 hours of research in those 5 weeks. She was placed in teams during this part of the course and found that difficult with the conflicting personalities within it. At the end of the year, there was a 6 hour exam to sit.

That was a tough year. Two tots under 4, working full time, working on her husbands company and running a household. she was exhausted.

.

mylife, thanku for sharing your story
it is amazing and i have really enjoyed reading it

it has left a haunting in me
like what you get when you read a really good book

but i know this is not just a story, its your life
and i just wanted to say thankyou
for sharing

.

lol
its a blimmen excellent addiction

you keep on posting

noise without substance??? what does that mean anyway??

keep on posting!!

.

Is it ok to keep posting my jnl here -

I have more 'stuff' to add... and will do so over the next few days.

I think the journal sectiion is our very own part of TBBD so write as much of our individual stories as we wish to share. Go for it.

Back to story...., soon

can i just say, wow
sat here and read through your whole story over the last couple of hours, got drawn into the story so quickly. You're a brilliant writer
I look forward to more, and the happy ending

thanks moonskr,

I will finish it, I just need to get a couple of items into perspective soon. Thanks for you lovely positive comments.

The end of year exam drew closer. 6 hours long, and not allowed any breaks for food. If you needed to go to the toilet you were escorted and then the cubicle was inspected to ensure you weren't passing on hints.

She packed her bag full of text books - at least it was open book! But man she had alot of text books!!

She walked into the exam room apprehensive, and left even more apprehensive! It was tough, and the fact she hadn't slept for a week (due to a tummy bug doing the rounds at home) hadn't helped. Hmmm don't know how this one will go - but if I fail, it is 3,000 down the drain, and then the year to do again!

She was nervous, listening to everyone else's answers - and she quickly became shaky. Driving home she wondered about the answers, that night she dwelled on what she had written, checking and double checking - Beth was sure she had failed. To pass for the year she needed to gain a mark of 300/400.

The weeks wizzed by and then, the week before christmas, she got her results - 294/400 - a fail. She was miserable; all that time and effort wasted, she was upset very upset but what could she do about it - resit next year? Then she became angry - how dare they? How dare they fail her? All of her efforts wasted - how DARE they?

She decided to ask for a recount -and paid her $500.00 to have it done. The results wouldn't be out until January and all Christmas she worried about it. I don't want to do this year again she worried. She worried and sweated about it. Not again! It was horrid!

The day came, January 21 - her birthday. Beth was working away at work when the email arrived. Shaking she thought - do I really want to open this? If I do and I still haven't passed then I won't enjoy my birthday....

Nervously, with hands shaking over the mouse, she opened the email.

A PASS! recounted 300/400!

She beamed - yay! now I can celebrate!!!!!!!

24 March 2010

Beth was driving over the harbour bridge on her way to her appointment. What was she going to ask, what was she going to do?

"She" was another psychologist that ACC wanted her to see. "She" was going to do an assessment for ACC with respect to ongoing therapy needs.

Beth was getting a bit nervous, will she have to reiterate what she had already told the other 2? Ah well, it has now been told to many, whats one more?

She pulled into the driveway - it had lots of apartment style buildings; she could see 3a, but where was 3? Figuring it was 3a, she rang the doorbell, which was closely followed by the thump thump of feet coming down the stairs.

"Hello, I'm looking for Dr Galloway" Beth said. The lady pointed to the ranchslider next door. "oh thanks". Diligently she went one step to the left, to see a lady inside with short dark hair and glasses. Beth was pleased to see she was just as plump as she was.

Dr Galloway started out by saying that she was going to firstly talk about Beths childhood, her present day, her relationship with her parents and siblings, her 1st marriage and finally her marriage today and her two boys.

She went on to explain to Beth that she would be noting her body language as well as her answers - to evaluate the complete 'reaction'.

Jesus, shit, bloody fuck it damn it. Beth thought. This is going to be another one of 'those' interviews - the one's where I feel like I am being persecuted for what has happened. She shut her eyes and drew in a deep breath.

Her brain felt like it was bleeding again. Her sole felt like it was bleeding again. So much already to cope with - moving office, SC's dad dying and now this - more intense than she had already thought.

Dr Galloway asked many questions - including intimacy with her current husband, as well as if her brother digitally probed her. It took a couple of minutes for Beth to realise that she meant finger digits.

She was also asked to describe her current husband, and after she did was told that it was like she described an employee. Beth cringed with this. This wasn't right, she didn't mean it like that.

The two hours went very quickly and at the end of it she felt emotionally drained, physically exhausted and somewhat stupid. Her mind was heavy and her emotions heavier.

What is the point with all of this. My secrets are starting to come out. Maybe I should just curl up and black it all out. I was so much happier when I did that.

She felt compelled to phone Peter on the way home. She just wanted a cuddle. She wanted reassurance it was worthwhile...so she reached for her phone while waiting at the lights.

Brr brr went the noise through her hands free kit. 'hello' ahh a voice she felt so comfortable with.

Close to tears, her eyes were blurry. "hi, I phoned to see how your day was'. Good he told her, and yours? "Ok" Beth replied with a slight break in her voice, "my mind feels heavy and I just wanted to phone you and tell you that I do love you and miss you".

"What brought that on" he said with a smile in his voice; yay! someone cared! "I just wanted to let you know that" Beth continued. "what are you up to for the rest of the day?". "Umm need to see Mr G about some work problems" Beth explained...'uhh that's right, well will see you tonight" - Ok Beth thought, he has forgotten that she had this appointment this morning. Bugga, I thought he would have remembered. Driving back to the office, Beth felt she wasn't really in the right frame of mind to see Mr G - a new employee who she was now trying to manage out of the company. But I have to - it's important.

Not long after this she could be seen on the side of the road, in her car, sobbing. Why? why do I need to go through all of this during my life. I wish I could trade places with SC's dad................

She was dreading the next day - another funeral to go to. Another parent of a close friend. I am so over this she thought. To much - to overwhelming. Money means everything to everyone else and then you die.

Why, why are we here?

You are born, she thought as she entered the church where the service was, and then you die. Anything inbetween is a pain in the ass at the moment!

The service was full on Christian. She sat there wondering about God. Was there such a thing? Why would he take children, why would ... why would alot of things happen????

She felt her heavy mind get heavier as she watched their good friend start to get upset at the podium. Both of his sisters thanked God for their fathers life and both said they were happy he had made the transition. Her good friend did not.

Beth sat there and really started to examine life and what it was about. As she observed the deceased's picture on the screen above his casket, she thought - a lovely man, a lovely family, a lovely life. But why? Why when you just die? Leaving nothing behind but memories and a few material items. Why?

She thought the same when she was filing income tax returns for clients at 9.30pm on the Wednesday night - Wednesday March 31. She also thought; why am I doing this when it is these bastards who couldn't get their shit together and to her in time. Really who was she looking after - her or them? Becoming angry Beth shut her office doors and went home for some much needed rest.

She was over it. Over alot of things. But most of all over leaping through hoops for other people, other than her family. This was going to change.

Thursday came and she walked into the office with full confidence and like she owned the business - she did and she needed to have control. I am the boss she said to herself, I am the one that makes the decisions and I am going to gain control.

In the new premises she sat behind the new employee - able to see his every move. Not intentionally spying she found that his productivity increased immenslly and the bonus was she was able to start bridging the gap between his personality and another collegue in the same area. She gritted her teeth and and got stuck into work.

It is all about me. It is my business. I need to remain focused. I need to get money in to pay money out.

That was worrying her.

The money in money out business.

She had one creditor threatening to liquidate her business if they did not get paid.

Damn it - they can keep thier dirty rotten mitts off my business. It is mine she thought, and wrote out the cheque for around 4K postdated a week and a half.

I would rather hang than be hung out to dry she thought. Fuck off and stay away. She hated them, with a venom. She was fighting and was pissed off.



Her little girl instinct of pleasing others was gone for this. No way were they taking this away from her.

So she went home at the end of the day, each day, not mumering a word. Peter was already stressed with other matters and possibly depressed himself. She couldn't burden him with this too.

April 18 2010

Why? why do I even exist she thought. Why bother? Nothing I do turns out right!

To many pressures, to much lost and too much to loose.

Beth thought to herself....I need to remain cool calm and collected, I can't let it show or people will try and stop me.

Her eyes stung as the tears tried to break through. NO go away, I don't want you here.

No one cares she thought

They just think they do.

I am so small and insignificant in the big scheme of things. Life is to hard, to great. To much at the moment.

I wanna go home. Home to my special place.

That place ain't here on earth. Somewhere where I am rested and at peace.

Somewhere I don't have to repeat the same story to strangers, or justify me to them.

Somewhere where it is ok to be tired and have no strength.

Maybe she could short cut the system and be there soon.....................................................

Beth sat down and wondered about the website in front of her. What was it like?

What was expected? This will be interesting!!

She flicked to facebook for a moment - clear her head - and then back to this one.

It really did look good.

John Kirwan sitting there - she felt he was only talking to her. Should I, or should I not?

Her therapist was telling her she was doing so very well. She knew all of Beths problems - intimately - and inside out. Almost as well as Beth did herself - what could this site bring to her that was different?

Moving through the site, she completed the 'test'. Hmm another one of these again... but she felt she could be more honest and open on this site - after all, it wasn't like he was really sitting in front of her.

She answered yes to thoughts of suicide in the last couple of weeks - only once had she thought like that for about a month or so - and she had suddenly become very low...but she controlled her thoughts and didn't take it any further.

What surprized her was the host of the site turning to her and telling her to see her doc, and join up with the journal on line, which she did.

Her honesty surprized her. . . and his honesty surprized here too.

I need to do everything I can, she thought. All the rapes, beatings, humilation and the incestious relationship with her brother, could never be forgotten.

These memories had to be managed, and managed well. I can't change the past she thought, but I can change the present and the future.

Misery can thrive in the right environment, don't let it thrive with me she thought,.

Beth re read her journal, gosh so much, so much to absorb, It saddened her, but in some warped way she was pleased. Pleased that it happened to her and not anyone else, pleased that she had written it all down, pleased that she was coming to terms with all things...

At last, she was beginning to genuinley gain contol - of her life, her present and her future.

Maybe happiness was beginning to find her once more, or maybe, just maybe she had never found true happiness.

Beth was lost once more.

As she sat up in bed, watching TV all she wanted to do was sleep. She wanted to make it go away.

Her heart ached and the tears rolled down her cheeks. Why are people intent on hurting me?

She didn't want him to hurt, she didn't want him to hurt himself. She still wanted him in her life.

But if everything carried on, she feared that would not be the case.

Distance.

That was what she wanted.

If she was not close to him, then it would not hurt, not as much anyway, surely.

Sleep. Sleep forever. Sleep forever little Beth. Get some rest.

At her desk, she happily listened to 97fm on the radio.

She was finalising some accounts for someone, nothing unusual. Just on a Saturday so it was lovely and quiet.

She didn't want to go home. Home was the worst. She managed no peace there.

Beth loved her family, dearly, but sometimes she just wanted it to all go away.

Maybe she was psycho, maybe she really was mad. All the time she felt sick, sick to the stomach. The macdonalds she had for lunch was sitting in her stomach, not wanting to digest.

She felt like a failure. A true failure.

A while ago Beth decided not to take her meds. It was an easy one to pull off for her councillour. She know how to act to pull the wool...

But deep down inside, she was like a ruin.

A ruined house, a ruined life...

Life was becomeing darker and darker, back into the black abysis.

Once upon a time she felt free
Once upon a time she felt happy
Once upon a time she enjoyed her life
Once upon a time she was who she was and didn't care what others thought.

Now she felt supression, a giant boot decending upon her.

She was weak, too weak to take her life, and too weak to get on with it.

April 30 2011
Alot has happened in recent months, both happy and sad.

Beth was nothing, she was caught up in the nothing, and the big black abys threatened again.

No, she wasn't going to let it win-not this time. She felt humiliated and depressed, but this tome was a little different. Different because she felt strength, strength she didn't have a few months ago.

She had sold her practice and managed to secure a place for herself and her collegue with the purchaser. Unbeknown to her the collegue seemed to have a vendetta against her.

After several screaming and demanding communications from PS Beth was feeling very uneasy about going to work...then one day...........


Beth was working quietly in her office. Starting to feel a little comfortable in her position, Beth was surprised to see PS on her office once more, an angry look on her face.

"How dare you ask how I am doing at PAS, like you would care, do they know here you have been struck off as a CA?"

"of course" said Beth, knowing full well they didn't. She wanted this women out of her office, wanting to avoid ANOTHER confrontation.

"right" said Ps as she walked out of Beths office.

Hmmm she thought... This is not good. Beth emailed her solicitor - she felt she needed to keep a paper trail of events.


"Beth" David was at the door - David, one of the co-owners of the company, "can I see you please"

Only an hour after PS had been in her office.

Beth followed Dave to his office. Sitting there was Navin, one of the other partners. She felt very uneasy - too coincidental.

She was invited to sit down - to be presented with a letter detailing how they believed she had mislead the company and recruitment agency about her CA status.

No this is not true she said- I had my status at that point. It lapsed afterwards as I couldn't afford to pay the four thousand to renew it.

"we want to have a meeting with you to discuss this- we suggest I have a support person present" Dave said.

No no no she was thinking, I have done nothing wrong. Alright she said.. Feebly.

Straight to her office she went and emailed a copy to her solicitor and an appointment was mare for the following Monday.

Beth and her solicitor waited in the board room, going tyrough their notes when the boardroom door opened and Dave and Navin walked in with their representative, John Haigh QC (the 3rd top employment lawyer in NZ).

Beth was persecuted for the next hour, in an interrogation style interview. She stood her ground- I did not misrepresent anything- prove it "I can" "being it on tomorrow.

She couldn't find the certificate of proof so managed to get email proof from the New Zealand Institute of Chartered Accountants.

The met the following Monday - when she and her solicitor were shocked to find the judgment had already been made.

The offer was be dimissed now for serious misconduct or resign with two months pay.
The two of them were left to discuss, and her solicitor advised it was a constructive dismissal - feeling the motivation being the second half of the sale proceeds which hadn't been paid out yet. And anyway they could satisfy the new clients without having to pay her wages.

She felt PS had won. Distraught and upset she packed up her office and left in disgrace, head down so no one could see her eyes.

She felt sick and shakey, her solicitor saying they should discuss the constructive dismissal claim when she is back from being away.

Later that weelk, she received a phonecall from Chris- and told all (something she possibly shouldn't have as Chris was an ex client now.


"it's funny you day that" she said to Beth. We received a hand written letter telling us not to deal with you and to deal with PS..it said we would be audited by the IRD.

How long have you had that? Since about mid March.

Then it struck her , that's when all this shit started. Can I have a copy?
Beth had a copy within few minutes emailed to her. It was PS's writing, signed "a well wisher"

Forwarding a copy to both her solicitor and her immediate partner at her now old work, mike, she thought "why? Why is she being so nasty"

Mike phoned her the next day to see how she was. Not good she said. She felt she could trust him. She had been telling him everything about the meeting with Dave ANC Navin and all the problems she had with PS.


"if this is her she will be dismissed and have no career as a ca" Mike informed her. Can you provide some proof he asked? Within an hour she had proof, emailed it to him and felt a little better, but she wanted to know why?

The job market was flat, she was exhausted, tired of crying and tired of failing. Maybe she would feel better after a week in the far north with her family, Samiam (a previous TBBD member) and her new man and boys...

Mylifes life should be over, but it ain't ...maybe one day it will be..then this story will have an ending..