Helping support partners

hi there all

Morning esp to Newbie and 6egirl. Wow you two have so much to deal with. You are both strong and congratulations for 'stumbling' on this website.

You will find that I don't chat here much (yeah right - tuis ad coming on) - but I am here regulary if you need an ear, as are alot here.

Please remember to take care of yourselves, first. I have learnt the hard way that is the most important thing.

take care.

Gosh, I wish I had found this site earlier. There is nothing I have found that supports partners - especially primary caregivers. This has been and is a long road of discovery (and also in my case self discovery - who knew I could be so strong?).

Newbie - take special care. My husband had made the plans but thankfully was not able to carry them through. I had no idea he was so ill. The fact that he is here now is only good luck and not related to good management. I cant imagine how it is for you but I do understand the trauma, the feelings of why?, how did it get to this? why didn't I really know how serious it was?, what if I had..... It doesn't help. Thinking of you.

Hi all, hope you all had a better day.
6egirl, I jst wanted to say, I too was in your situation with a partner who was very unwell and had no support, no one I knew who was having to deal with this. Thanks to Paddy, we now have a place where partners can visit, to not only meet other caregivers in similar situations, but to meet all these fabulous people who suffer themselves and are very happy to pass on support and point you in the right direction. If only I had this support my relationship may have survived, but sadly it didn't.
I want to acknowledge just how hard it will be for you to hold everything together, my heart goes go to you. We DO need to look after ourselves as well hun, because if we as partners do not get the chance to recharge our batteries then we go down as well and no longer in a good position to support. I understand that you will worry about your husband, but I think he will understand if every now and then you will need to take a couple of days off and pamper you and the children. This will mean taking yourself away from the situation. Maybe once a month think about going and visiting a freind/family, this will allow you to reconnect with the very important YOU.

realised that I was not to cope with all this without some good support, so I have been seeing a Clinical Psychologist once a week for all this time. It is very expensive, but has been the only way for me. The people I thought would be there werent and the ones I didnt think would be were....so it has been like a big cleanse - a chance to see reality for what it is. My husband has a very good psychiatrist and thankfully he has always followed instructions with medication etc, and he also has a clinical psychologist. I dont even want to add up what we have spent. In the beginning I couldnt leave him alone at all, but these days, I can - I go out every Sat morning for a coffee - by myself - and book myself in for things here and there that I want to do. I have had to find myself in all of this

Good for you 6egirl. Hopefully you have aready worked out that you are ths support person, this is not your illness and you can not fix it. We, well I went along thinking, that with all my love and support this would go away, what if I just handled things differently, why, if he really did love me, could he even consider suicide. All the whys or what ifs are not going to help anyone, especially not you hun, just drags you down further. All we can do is be there when we can, listen and love.

6egirl wrote:realised that I was not to cope with all this without some good support, so I have been seeing a Clinical Psychologist once a week for all this time. It is very expensive, but has been the only way for me. The people I thought would be there werent and the ones I didnt think would be were....so it has been like a big cleanse - a chance to see reality for what it is. My husband has a very good psychiatrist and thankfully he has always followed instructions with medication etc, and he also has a clinical psychologist. I dont even want to add up what we have spent. In the beginning I couldnt leave him alone at all, but these days, I can - I go out every Sat morning for a coffee - by myself - and book myself in for things here and there that I want to do. I have had to find myself in all of this

Hi e,
glad to see you still have alittle humour functioning for you,
re your Name!

Here's a hug for you and Hubby.
I'm so glad he's got a with-it psyche-man to keep watch over him,as these things and especially to the extent you describe hubby to be going through,need careful observation.(Key word,CAREFUL)
One thing i'd like to suggest to you and your mate, is that Mens Groups are forming all around the globe, each structurally set up along similar lines, where Men are there to Help-Men during these an all other sorts of Crisis'.
Not that they dont loose the odd bloke here or there,but it sure Helps the blokes find new strengths within themselves, watching and hearing what each other is going through,have gone through and what they have found that specifically was a good strategy for their own recovery. Men learn from the pain Other men go through.
Check with your psyche-man,
to see if he has any knowledge of these groups in your Area.
If he hasnt, scout about, esp the library where you may find Books by Steve Biddulph (or similar) about Mens Self help Groups in general.
They Work.
Also,
there has been a recent film made an released here in OZ(maybe there in NZ also by now)called Mens Group.
That will give you both, some idea of what might be happening in your mens group, should He care to investigate. Your psyche-man should be made aware of it also!

Good Luck,
and most of all, feel proud about getting your support when you need it. You may find seeking-out a Benefit advantagious if you cant meet the expenses of living, with one or two of you down and out of work.
Check with the Soc/Welfare there.
Your GP will inform you as well as back you two up with written statements of your difficulties, when you need it, if you need assistance. Dont be afraid to ask;act quickly.
But dont go down the drain,financially.
Seek help with this one.
Thats why we pay taxes;Govt is here to help.
with love
GM

Hey GM,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I would like him to join a Mens group of like minded real people who can support each other. I dont think he is ready for it yet. Finances are fine at moment - thankfully we had insured his income - NEVER thinking it would ever be needed. Went to cancel it several time, but didnt. Phew! Been a good day today - spent it with the children and then all 4 of us (us and 2 boys) went for a walk this afternoon which was good for everyone. Talk soon, take care, 6egirl

I'm going to have trouble phrasing this without it seeming that I'm being flippant or dismissive, because thats not the case at, 6egirl. I'm really pleased that you are getting the responses you are here, but I wonder if I could make this one to your husband, please?

Mate, from the time I was a kid, I collected militaria. Seriously collected militaria. I've 'lost' it all 'cept for a few wee family taonga that even I couldnt sell. But it fascinates me still. I've lost more than me militaria over the years, let me tell you. Such is life some times, eh.

If you wanna maybe some time 'talk militaria' with a bloke who has no money to buy but who enjoys learning and researching, I'd be keen to say 'G'day.

I'm no expert or trainspotter or whatever, its just one of my 'things' and truth to tell, I don't know many folk who might remotely be interested in the subject.

My name is Pat Quinn, I live in Marton and if you're all interested in saying G'day then my email is patq60@xtra.co.nz - actually it still is, even if ya aint interested, lol.

Cheers,
Pat.

Girl,~
you must be devinely
cared for....bloody brilliant you didnt let it slip.

Tell you Man i am here
if ever he needs a chat.
(good-one paddy)

Ive been there an done that unwell-ness thing also, 10 years of it infact.
Not always I sort-out support.
The Mens group were a Strong-Support group I got into well along the track,
after beating myself up for being Sick for a few years.
I had never been sick before in my Life and when it came-on
it came on like a Ton of Well fired clay bricks.

Here's a cuddle for you Two
an the boys!

good for you guys, really pleased!

I second that mylife, gosh you guys just rock. Blokes sometimes just need blokes, so Paddy and GM cuddles for both of you.

A random for you - J's psychiatrist called me last week inviting me to met with her this week.... Today - her office voicemail says she's closed until September 3rd at 10:00am, uhhh - that was last week and a Thursday???
Anyhoo - I'm off to the GP to check up on myself this morning. I have spoken to my boss and will not contemplate returning to work until maybe Thursday, I canwork from home as well thankfully.
6egirl - thought about you lots and read your posts -aren't we lucky to have come across these wonderful people
Newbie

Morning Newbie, good to see you are watching out for and looking after you. Been wondering how you were. Take care, Pam

a bloke can get LOSTnLOVE
if he hasnt matured before He trusts his feelings
to see him right!
Men Need Women(enlightened Women)
to help em through
this phase of life,
so as to become REAL-MEN.

Men need woman mostly
when they're full of youth,
as this growing-up is all important
in parenting.

Too many bloody men(including myself)
fail in this respect.
They seek safe-havens for their trains
so as their ding-a-ling dosnt rust
too-soon!
If only we had known
when in youth
we could have
tooted our whistles with authenticity.

toot

hello everyone....been to work today. All in all a good day. I used to be a big planner - plans for the year, plans for the 5 years. These days I just think about getting through the day. I think its a good way to be actually -- aNother way in which I have grown from this whole experience -- enjoy the small things. Paddy - Mr 6egirl will be mailing you to talk militaria. You guys are great - it's so nice to know that there are people who understand, and want to provide support to people (they dont even know). GM, you are a treasure. Thanks for the poetry. Newbie - gosh dont think about me - I have been thinking about you! Take good care of yourself. How are you?

mmm, small things.
They are easiest to treasure,
to culture,
to gain some reflection of ourselves
and our self-loving Nature.

When we cannot love ourselves
all else is a charade
of imperfections.

Hi 6egirl, sounds like you have a lot to deal with, I suffer from post natal depression but I certainly dont have the extra stress you have to deal with. However Ive started a thread in my journal for mothers and others struggling with day to day life and would love to see you there if you want. All the best, Floss

Hi all - just checking in to see how everyone is. Just home from Clinical Psych - always good to debrief with her. Wipe the slate clean for the week and start again! Newbie - how are you doing - been thinking about you. 6e.

Hi there
Today was a pretty rough day and its not even Friday yet (J's birthday)
How are you all going team?
Newbie

Hi there

Thanks for the "how are you all going team"

Things are fine thanks, each day being copeable which is good.

Sad times for you but unfortunately the first 12 months are going to be full of firsts...

I was thinking about you earlier, because i remembered you said it was J's birthday soon, I just didn't know when.

Take care and please keep posting, your doing so well.

Weak thankful smile, through the tears at the mo
N

Hello Newbie, I've been thinking about you too ... not an easy time all round I know .... I'm pleased to see you in here ... most of us will have experienced grief and loss ... just wanted to check in ..... Daze

Hi newbie, sorry hun I just dont no what to say to help you through your grief, so just going to send you a huge hug. Take care, Pam.

Newbie - wont be on line for a few days but just wanted to say will be thinking of you tomorrow (J's birthday).
Do what you need to do. Lots of love and cyber hugs to you and her family.