Answers for partners

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Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:26 am

I was thinking (as I do lol) what would be helpful to partners. I have an ex who suffered from extreme depression and at times had no one to ask questions, who would understand. Maybe if I did we may have survived, so how about we throw out some questions that partners may have, and you in the know may be able to help with, so others may have more support than I did.
My first question would be,
Why when everything looks so rosey, would you chose to go off youre meds

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by greasemonkey on Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:10 am

when a man becomes feeling better due to ingesting prescribed chemicals,
he also gets alittle outa touch of His feelings.
Chemicals without Therapy is always precarious;Not all have the financial resources to afford
great Care through learned People such as Therapists.
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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:23 am

So next question
Does that then mean, the feelings you may express to your partner when medicated, are not the true fealings
example for me was, When medicated "You are my world"
When unmedicated, "I cant even love myself so how can I love you??
Wow this may be as healing for me as for others that may read this.
Thanks GM, told you you were good, lol.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by Guest on Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:51 am

One of the biggest questions must be "What can I do to help?".

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:16 am

Good question Sam and very true, a biggie. We think we are being helpful, but are we really??. Look forward to answers, Taps fingers on desk.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by logical-cents on Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:45 pm

Ok, I'm only answering these as my view, and how I feel/felt in the past. Others may be different.

'Why choose to go off meds?'
Because things have appeared to pick up, believe we're on the right track and we don't need them anymore. Believe that they are holding us back from continuing to live our life. We think things are sorted and better. Can cope a few days or so without them, but when something happens it just puts us back into the space we were already in. I'm bad at taking myself off meds and just going cold turkey. I know that I'm better being on them, but no one likes having to rely on some tablet to keep going.

'What can I do to help?'
One of the biggest here is just being there for that person through the good times and the rough patches. Go with the flow kinda thing. There's really not a lot that you can do as such, but being there, not judging the person or treating them any different does help.
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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Sat Jun 20, 2009 5:53 am

Thanks logical. Its excellant getting different veiws. I do understand not wanting to rely on pills, but is it not like having a heart problem etc etc, we need to realise that medication is sometimes nessessary. My partner used to go off his meds, sometimes for a couple of months at a time. He could do the first few days (not easily), but then he would go deeper and deeper into this horrible hole. I tried so hard not to treat him any differently, but when you knew he was getting so low that you didn't know if he would survive, very scary, I had to check how he was each day. Beleive me it would have been so much easier to not to have had to worry so much. Going with the flow can be so hard when partners get so low they could easily commit suicide, soo
next question what do partners do when things get this bad??

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by Guest on Sat Jun 20, 2009 7:08 am

I don't know if it helps but I try to provide logical advice / ideas / options - and repeat them over and over - when the mood is high as well as when the mood is low. This approach seems to have been helpful.

Sometimes though I've just had to say "I don't know what to do / say" and then hold her, be there, listen.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:54 am

Good on you Sam, for being so very supportive of your partner. I'm truley pleased that what you are doing, seems to be working for you both.

I had tried all that, but when he went of his meds, he became so self absorbed that no amount of support would work. I listened and held him everyday, I gave ideas, tried options, encouraged him to spend time with friends, go for ]long motorbike rides, which he so loved, I however, no longer had a life. My soul was gone, my life as I knew it was gone. This was the most amazing man I had ever met, he was my world and I was his(or so he told me). but no matter how strong our love was, he/we were falling apart. When he was on his meds wow!!! what a guy, and what an amazing time we had. When he wasn't, he would turn into someone I didn't know. I remember the day he was so low, he lost it, totally lost it and screamed at me and when I say scream he did it with such force.This was so not like him, he adored me.. It was something, I was able to forgive, but it was then, that I felt fear, fear of the unknown. This was the time I needed help, I needed support, but I had no idea where to go apart from getting him into counselling, which I did. If only I had known about this mb, maybe I would have got my support. He became aggressive to strangers. He walked up to someone in the street one day and was very angry because he thought this guy was mimicing his ever so slight limb and was very close to decking him, he was so enraged, but he found this somehow funny. He told me the girlfriend of this guy, was very frightened and it was only that, that stopped him. I reminded him, that normally, this would not have even worried him. Aggression was taking over, he needed to visit his GP. This wonderful man changed before my eyes and it was heart breaking, unbeleiveably heartbreaking, not only for me, but for him. He never forgave himself for his outburst at me. The last day I saw him, he was again not in a good space and he laughed in my face. That was a day we called it quits, that was the day I opened the door and it was time, nessessary, to watch him go. Its taken a long time for me to have healing, a long time to feel trust. I could never trust this man again, however I have been able to forgive him for the hurt. This was no longer the man I knew and loved so much, this was a man struggleing so badly with depression and I could do so little to help. I am greatful to him for what he taught me, shared with me, after all I am who I am today because of life experiences and this was certainly an experience, and no matter how painful, it was and is, part of my journey.
My wish is that oneday,this incredible person will be well and I hope that I helped make this life better in our time together. I could never go back as I have moved forward.
I am hoping that if I share some little bits of my story, others will inturn feel they can share theirs should they need. Just maybe some of these lovely people here, can offer some insight/hope wisdom, help and perhaps, even give us some tools so we in turn, can better support our partners.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by greasemonkey on Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:12 pm

peterpam wrote:So next question
Does that then mean, the feelings you may express to your partner when medicated, are not the true fealings
example for me was, When medicated "You are my world"
When unmedicated, "I cant even love myself so how can I love you??
Wow this may be as healing for me as for others that may read this.
Thanks GM, told you you were good, lol.

"You are my world" and "I cant even love myself"
are indicative of One not understanding the emensity of SELF.
Its a ego problem that comes up sooner or later in everyone,
should they care know what is real,and what is unreal.

What's functioning in your Ex (is He still living?) are simply highs and lows,
plateaus and gullies,where the 'journeying-individual' who moves between the two-poles,(up/down)
does so so quickly,they loose all awareness of the inter-connectedness of things.

Remember,
As above
so Below.


They arrive up here where everything is all too-easy,(like being on a Roll)
and next thing they return down there where every thing is too hard,
infact the pull of gravity acts apon them like a Jailer.
Did he have depression,your Ex?
Sometimes the suffering individual will project the Jailer onto an Outsider,
like their Therapist,Healer,Wife or Lover because they think
it is NOT THEMSELF BUT SOMEONE ELSE that is holding them.
In some cases it is.
In the co-dependancy relationship,
couples are known to control each other psychically.

Beings who live inside their mind
are like FISH living in Water.
Everything surrounds them and very-few fishies know what the flying-fish knows,
that is,life exists out of water also.


In schools of thought or self-realisation schools, one is instructed about these things.
Self awareness can be cultured in Groups or alone,when One has a few fundamental ideas to work with.

In the west,we have Mens Groups forming all over the place,where seeing-men can help other Men through their difficult times.All Men grow through difficult times;its evolution in progress.

Read Books like,Steve Biddulph Writes.


Last edited by greasemonkey on Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:23 pm; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : green paint)
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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:58 pm

Morning GM, thanks for shareing. Its always good to have a little more understanding. Before I meet my partner I really didn't know too much about depression and to be honest I guess I thought depression was something that came and went depending on things going on in one life. I never even imagined, that some people live with this daily. In my ignorance I use to think that if we set goals, had motivation and positivity, depression would go away. I now know better, knowledge gives understanding.
My partner did suffer depression, diagnosed as clinical, but I would have thought he suffered from bipolar. I guess doctors can only diagnose with what they see and hear. Extreme highs, doing really outragous things, sometimes very, very funny, othertimes extremely embarrassing. It makes me smile to remember just how colourful this man was. Sometimes he just didn't have the cut off trigger, which tells us whats ok in certain situations and what and when its not He just didn't care, if you didn't like it he saw it as your problem, lol.. He never thought to mention the extreme highs to his doc as he saw these as part of his personality. His highs exhausted him and if it went on to long, he would then go into one of his low moods. I knew certain things/situations that would put him up or down and learnt ways that I could help him through these times.
I tell you what though, I have never laughed so much with anyone in my life as I did with this man. I have a very warped sence of humour at times, so maybe thats why we got on so well, for the most part.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 21, 2009 1:26 am

Wow, that sounds like it must have been quite a ride to be on! I guess my friend is not so extreme - certainly the moods yo-yo and hard to cope with when she is real down. Dark dark thoughts and lots of suffering but it's not all the time.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by greasemonkey on Sun Jun 21, 2009 2:41 am

peterpam wrote:Morning GM, thanks for shareing. Its always good to have a little more understanding. Before I meet my partner I really didn't know too much about depression and to be honest I guess I thought depression was something that came and went depending on things going on in one life.How wonderful He knew love as Grace;you set him Free.I never even imagined, that some people live with this daily. In my ignorance I use to think that if we set goals, had motivation and positivity, depression would go away. I now know better, knowledge gives understanding.You are no-longer ignorant and have learnt heaps.How fantastic is that? My partner did suffer depression, diagnosed as clinical, but I would have thought he suffered from bipolar [color=green](as Drs grow to understand the sicknesses of the mind,they create new-words,more indicative of the semi-healed person, enroute recovery.Drs and the Sciences of Chemistry,are also evolving;we are their Ginea-Pigs,Govt issues licenses) I guess doctors can only diagnose with what they see and hear. Doctors are taught from their Medical (Sciences) Observation,and they experiment with the Legal-Chemicals the Drug Corporations suggest.If you are looking to find a wise Dr,choose one that has suffered and realised that depression is a Gift,NOT AN AILMENT.One should always feel OK about asking Drs if they themselves Have experienced the drug they are dispensing!Extreme highs, doing really outragous things, sometimes very, very funny, othertimes extremely embarrassing.(Some capitalise from these spaces and go into Theature,as actors and comedians.) It makes me smile to remember just how colourful this man was. ( IS?) Sometimes he just didn't have the cut off trigger ( He didnt KNOW where he were(inside His mind) and thus were separated from Reality due to the lack of self-Knowledge.'Self 'is Outside and Inside simultaniously,the invisable wall between these two realms made of a substance clear as glass), which tells us whats ok in certain situations and what and when its not He just didn't care, (He were experiencing freedom from self restriction;His primary-goal were to get Out of Jail) if you didn't like it he saw it as your problem, lol.. (People cant handle other peoples 'LIFE-FORSE' as they are constantly using-up (investing) all their LIFE to Hold themselves Back.His LIFE PUSHED THEIR BUTTONS.)He never thought to mention the extreme highs to his doc as he saw these as part of his personality. (Yes! it were his LIFE and he were gonna enjoy-it to the hilt,as He had a RIGHT-TO.) His highs exhausted him and if it went on to long, he would then go into one of his low moods.I knew certain things/situations that would put him up or down and learnt ways that I could help him through these times.
(wonderful perception;where would we be with-out it?~(asleep?)

I tell you what though, I have never laughed so much with anyone in my life as I did with this man. I have a very warped sence of humour at times, so maybe thats why we got on so well, for the most part.

I suspect the other part will be written in Your Life-Story,mmmmm?
afro


Last edited by greasemonkey on Sun Jun 21, 2009 2:44 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : green paint)
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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 21, 2009 4:08 am

mmmm, my life story, not likely, cos that would send me to sleep, lol.
I might at times, share where I get some inspiration from, how I myself, deal with lifes ups and downs. Maybe occassionally, (when it smacks me in the head), even share some wisdom, cos just sometimes, I have some, but never ever, my life story. I can hear you all saying, "thank god for that"
Thanks for the insight GM, it all helps.
I found youre comment of depression being a gift interesting, how and why do you see that??. Just curious.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 21, 2009 4:24 am

Sam, yup it twas, but it was also alot of fun. I cant beleive I said that, but its true.
Keep up the good work, your freind is very lucky to have you.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by claire_sky on Sun Jun 21, 2009 4:49 am

Wow, peterpam i am in tears reading your posts. When im feeling down i get so caught up in my own problems i find it hard to see it from my partners perspective! So thank you for sharing your words! On good days I have often found myself saying "you are my world, my everything, id be lost without you" but then on bad days i throw around that same line "how can i love you when i cant even lost myself or my new personal favourite, im not worthy of your love, go now before i pull you down with me" This probably wont make sense but i truely do believe i say both things out of love. However the positive things are where i truely want to be, truely want to say but the negative ones, i feel i have no control over and it something bigger then me that i can not fight. I am guilty of lashing out, have huge outbursts, terrible terrible anger issues. that i am really embarrassed about because thats not the real me, not the real me i watn to be anyway! Being on meds everyday has its good things and bad things and thats why meds aren't for everyone. When im on them i go through the day and days feeling ok. Not good. Not bad. But ok. Occasionally I want to feel the real highs and real lows not some sugar coated fairy tale make believe world i want to feel real and like everyone else! So thats why i stopped taking meds as i feel i get to a position when im ok and want to be great and think i can make it without them. Some people get to that stage then succeed and then others will stay on meds indefinately!
OK im side tracked now.

but thanks again for this post its given me the desire to want to understand my partner more and give him the love and respect he deserves for even wanting to put up with me! Look forward to hearing more from you!

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:05 am

Oh Claire, thankyou for listening. I was struggleing with shareing, in this thread, however something told me it was ok.
I dont want to make you cry, there is no need, cos beleive me, I have done enough of that for everyone. Wipes Claires tears away, gives hug.
What I would love for you and everyone else to understand is, that you are part of a team When you are down, your partner with be there for you, but when you are up, make them feel special, let them know how much you appreciate the help and support.
Claire I am so proud of you for making the connection.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by Guest on Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:17 pm

Yes... a team...really can relate to what Claire is say,

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:21 pm

Doesn't matter what we did yesterday, its what we do today that counts
Hugs to all you luffly people.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by Guest on Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:40 pm

you are so right pp!

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by claire_sky on Tue Jun 23, 2009 11:53 pm

Thanks peterpam, i cry happy tears reading your posts - honest i do. I know im not a stupid person but i do stupid things. I really liked what you said about when im feeling good i should tell my partner and give him the love and attention he deserves and wait for it, needs. I get caught up in what i want and what i need that i fail to act on what he needs. I am trying to make sure im as supportive as he is. We are a team.

Mylife thank you for understanding my post, it makes sense to me but the more i try and talk about things the more it sounds confusing! hehe.

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by Guest on Wed Jun 24, 2009 12:33 am

You are perfectly welcome claire bear!!

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Wed Jun 24, 2009 7:47 am

Claire,you sound like an amazing women, not at all stupid, so don't put yourself down. You have the tools hun, now you just need to use them. Good luck, you are awesome. Hugs

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by Guest on Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:13 am

we are all amazing are we not?

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Re: Answers for partners

Post by peterpam on Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:23 am

Yep, you so are.

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