Helping support partners

Thank you Pat for starting this forum. I feel partners of those suffering a mental illness are left out in the cold and having been there, with no support (that I knew of), I thought this maybe of great use . Partners need advise, they need to vent and who better to get advise and vent to, but those who struggle themselves. I know when I was supporting, my now ex partner, I would have loved to be able to talk with someone who knew what I was dealing with and now maybe because of you guys others may well be able to survive their relationships.

I am sure my partner come's in and spies... he won't say anything but the log intime is always different to when I last logged in...

Well you can look at it this way mylife, if he didn't care, he wouldn't bother looking.

yeah I know - but sometimes I just wish he didn't cause sometimes there are things that I just don't know that he is prepared to hear

i have to agree with peterpam on this one mylife - if he didnt care he wouldnt look - and he wouldnt look if he wasnt worried, concerned, looking for answers......seems like maybe you could give him the benefit of the doubt?
i think that sometimes we get given all this knowledge and support and the people who love us are kept out of it....let him in mylife....trust in him.....

Well said instillstanding.. Mylife, I guess a big part of why most people would visit this mm, would be that here you will find others that understand you, know, or can sypathise with your situation. Partners are in a simaliar situation, we need to listen, learn, before we can understand, and support you.. Your'e partner obviously loves you and more than likely is peeking to have more understanding, not spy on you, lol. Personally I wouldn't worry about him having a wee look, just warn him if you a going to vent about him. Oh and by the way venting is ok, we all do it and if he happens to stumble across it, he hopefully will understand it for what it is.

I tell all and share all with My partner.
Shes the tops.
We both suffer life when we get individually caught up in our minds
and what I learn she too is interested in,
just as i am Interested
in Her Wisdom.

I guess we are lucky

We ought to start a Lovers Page here in TBBDMB
as i think alot of depression is based on
deadening Love affairs of the heart!

Having Lost in Love
at sometime in our lives,
we gotta wonder
what Love really wants
of us individuals.

Im a believor in embodyment
rather than freedom.

oh GM, that is so beautiful. I am envious of your beautiful relationship with your wife. Long live the marriage.

It is great to have a supportive partner isn't it?

yes......
some marriages
work even when adultery happens!

Some ppl plan it that way
and Live happily together,
reminding each-other to take their raincoats
when going-out
singularly!
lol

There are many ways,
and Ive tried em all.

Marriage workX
the industrious way!

Your lucky when you met the right person and stay with them for the rest of your life.

I can remember the first time i told my partner how i truely was feeling. Unfortunately it didnt go down so well. He just said "im disappointed that you feel depressed, you have a good life and alot going for you, im dissappointed you chose to talk to complete strangers, im disappointed that you keep things from me" He then had heaps of questions such as 'is it me making you depressed? do you want a break from me, would you be better off if we split up etc etc" Hmmm that was some time ago but ill remembers his words forever as it only made me feel worse and i decided not to share anything else with him. Hes alot more supportive now but i dotn know who i feel sorry for more me or him. It sucks having these feelings and it sucks knowing that im making him depressed through me being depressed. Because i am unhappy and always sad and very very emotional and fragile i can not argue with him i just cry and have anxiety and panic attacks where i often cant breathe. He helps calm me down now and takes me through my breathing techniqes and can see that it is very serious and i do need his help. It is incredibly hard for partners because i can not enjoy life anymore even his life has changed to the point i dont want to go out or do the things which both used to enjoy (well he still does but i have no desire at all).

I have total respect and love for those who can understand and are supportive it isnt hard for us and it must be horrible for them too. Ok here come the tears.

partners don' t care. they just have one thing on their mind

getting their needs met?

It is very difficult for partners to survive in relationship,when one or Both Parties are suffering illness.

I have to agree gm, it is very hard. Chaos, maybe your'e partner may just feel this is one way they can show their love. Partners do care, they may however struggle sometimes and not know the best ways to deal with the situation. Hugs to you

yes he really does struggle with it sometimes.

What am I supposed to do, tell him about my brother interfering with me, about the school bullies, the husband (ex) who used to offer me to his friends, had a different girl for every day and one who used to hurt me physically and mentally?

nah, don't think so

Oh hun, I hate to tell you this, but yep tell him, if he loves you as I'm sure he does, he can help. I can relate to some of issues and believe me getting it out there, so to speak, helps one hell of alot. Sweet heart, you have nothing to loose and every thing to gain, share with your best friend (hopefully its Hubby/partner). Good luck and huge hugs.

if i were to tell him certain things I am sure he would change from the gentle giant i have and .


...kill my brother...and my ex...

so no, i won't tell him

Mylife, only you knows what is best for you, but can I just say a problem shared is a problem halved. I find it very hard to share my life experiences, but when I found who I thought was the right man for me, i personally found shareing (painful as it was) very healing. Because this man loved me for me, he didn't want to kill anybody, instead he chose to support me and hold me when I needed it. You and only you hun, know your partner, so do what you think is best, but if you think you can trust him, I encourage you to share.

mylife wrote:yes he really does struggle with it sometimes.

What am I supposed to do, tell him about my brother interfering with me, about the school bullies, the husband (ex) who used to offer me to his friends, had a different girl for every day and one who used to hurt me physically and mentally?

nah, don't think so

This is where
finding a great therapist
comes handy.

Opening up to each other within a love relationship
is at the heart of our well-being.
If we are open with our partners
the greater the love experience.

Are we not manipulating our partners
by keeping our truth from them?

Interesting comment by GM
Are we not manipulating our partners by keeping the truth from them

Interesting way to look at it, not sure that is manipulating, (maybe it is), but from my experience, by not being open with your partner, you not only leave us worrying about your well-being but constantly wondering what on earth is going on/happening. Lots of unnessesary anxiety for already loving partners.

GM you are a very wise man.

Being honest and open with partner, cuts the pressure on partners. We may well still worry about your well being, but we know whats up. The other plus to you being open and shareing, is that we can trust. We can trust that you are going to be honest with us, therefore we don't need to worry constantly. A whole new demention to your relationship.

hmm i hadn't quite thought of it being a 'pressure' as such on partners peter,

it is funny, cause deep down i do trust him not to do anything stupid, but *sigh* i dunno, it is a tough one.

We are manipulating when we conceal the truth,
from our partners!
How can we say we truelly Love the One we have chosen to be with
whilst staying closed off?

As I see it,we cant.

Remember,
not all relationships are Love relationships;most are business relationships,
and alot of these work-out just fine, maybe are even more successfull than love realtionships.

Here,Im speaking of Love relationships.

Where ppl go wrong in love-relating is 'not sharing the pants';where power becomes more important than Love.
A person is exercising their power and manipulating their partner
by keeping their partner in the Dark.

How dose One Grow,if theyre sheilded from that which makes us Mature.

You go Mylife,
You now have an understanding. Do whats right for you hun, most important is that you feel safe, but if you can trust your partner, just imagine the weight taken off your shoulders.
Maybe test the waters so to speak. Ask him how he would feel if you shared something with him that had hurt you so deeply, could he just be there to support. Go from there Mylife, you may be very suprised. Good luck and thankyou for listening, what ever you decide. You rock.