it started to years ago

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sun Jan 09, 2011 8:41 am

well thought i would come on here and write a few thoughts.
Well im in the stage of fighting the big black dog it is getting harder4 to do as the days go by but i will carry on fighting.
I have done things differently this time which im proud of i have started to let people i am not happy and beginging to feel unsafe that is a huge for4 me. I hope that this willhelp me level out because the more i talk the more i may be able to open up before my time of need a closse friend also said to me the other day "its not you your fighting your illness and this had helped so much instead of beating up on myself i have put it hasa third object which i hope will help also im going to win with this bipolar and become a better person than i was before.
Keep it going
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Fri Jan 14, 2011 8:17 am

well had last session with psychologist it was aazing how much we had done when we had a look at the year past. I feel a little sad and lost as i went to see her every week and she was there for me in my time of need and nowe i dont have that support wow what a space it will leave.

I will go for the job that i have been eyeing up she gave me some good advice so i could get out gracefully if it didn't work so that gave me hope.

I sit here wondering if i can get through my low patch by myself or do i need help i was hoping to level out a little more this year and be able to cope more on my own.

I have work to do like set goals and things but im so unsure of myself not to sure where to start.

On a happy noe my big boy turns 8 tomorrow wow that time has gone so fast. he is having a big boy party so friends round for dvdz and pizza he can't wait. then next on thursday my middle boy becomes a big 5 year old he cant wait to start school i wonder if it will turn out like he thinks he will make heaps of friendz i know that for sure.

well will go away and ponder some more,
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:28 am

thoughtz i tried to tell a friend some of my feelings the other day i may have not expresssed myself clearly but did it anyway and for me that was a huge thing to put myself on the line and was gutted when she just wet herself laughing i just feel so stupid and silly for doin it and it knocked my confidence i had just started talking to people and now dont feel like i can do it again which is bad on my side as right know im really struggling i feel so low that i have had enough again and cant cope with life but dont feel i can put myself outthere. i have had respite arrange for the end of feb and i know i just have to make it to the end of the month i have a 5th birthday party to do this weekend im lookin forward to that for my boy were having a batman conference e is batman mad hope he enjoys it . then in a week and a bit it is the start of school for my little ones and then my neice 1st birthday and after that im really not sure what will keep me going i hope by then the cloud has started to lift and i may feel better i hate feeling like this like there is the way life will feel forever and i may not be happy it is hard to keep dragging myself through not sure why i do really i feel so said it hurts but i dont really have any reason to be sad or depressed i have a good life and a wonderful family and three beautiful boz but i really dont want to carry on going on the roller coaster like this i need to be even for a while. I dont know anymore
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Jan 31, 2011 8:15 am

Well Im running out of skills to do and finding it harder and harder to carry on on the outside i show all is well where i feel turn on the inside, i sooo tired all over it is hard i hear myself laugh and dont feel it. it is hard to say why i hate night time as this is when my dark thoughts keep me company i know that this week will be over before i now it and then what do i have my middle man would of gone to school and parents would of left then i only have thought to deal with. sleep is better get 4-5 hours which is great i think it is as i find inner peace and know what will be done. I had a good day today had friends round and we just talk all day a bit abot this and a bit about that it was just nice to be. I feel so locked away not sure what to do i cant move forward and i dont know how and that what gets me the most and trying to explain the pain that your in to someone they just dont get it and they cant help i know. oh just feel exhausted Mad Sleep
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:51 am

please just exscuse me i'm just going to rant and rave
ARRR for the last week or so i have only managed to get on average 3 hours sleep with little ones getting up and hubby and waking me i just can't cope i feel like i have not stopped in the last week thank goodness that school had gone back, but today i have had a busy day running around seeing different people for different appointment then i have my youngest home tomorrow i thought i could just pull myself throught that i have my parents arriving tomorrow for the weekend not at my house) but it is hrd as they just dont get it ad it feels like they look down there nose at me. But i am bad mum my middle man was sick and i left it a little while to take him to the doctor and he had a chest infection and the worst thing is that he needs to stay home and i feel terrible because i really dont think i can cope with him being home i'm such a horrible mum i just don't know what to do arr thankz for listening to me
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Guest on Thu Feb 03, 2011 8:10 am

cheat infections are a fright aren't they. My boys were prone to asthma so they got sick quite quickly , esp when they were little. But the best thing is they can be treated and if you have the right antibiotics you feel better within a couple of days, then just need to rest. Dont know how old your son is but hopefully he will rest and you will be able to too.

Best of luck

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by nzmum on Fri Feb 04, 2011 10:04 am

(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Feb 07, 2011 8:25 am

well i made it through the weekend saturday was so hard my negitive thought are harder and harder to fight i gave in on saturday and told my hubby how bad it was but hay what can they do but i told kidz went back to skool today and feel crap again i feel alone and hopeless i think im not worth it and itz getting harder to fight i feel low and so unhappy i just dont know when it will end i hate the medz az they have not worked. im tired of being lied to by doc and thingz f***k i just dont know what anymore.
trying to keep myself busy and have great friendz that pop round just keep on going just writing this to keep me going. i just need to yell ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Sad Evil or Very Mad
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:01 am

i need to write this down just to get it out of my head dont mean to offend anyone.

I sit here with the weekend fast approaching and i dont know what i will do or where i will go but here goes,

i sit here after talking to my keyworker yesterday wondering what is it all about i go in cycles of three and half month i end up back on the ward and i cant take it anymore.

I just dont know how i can get throught this weekend i understand i have to do all the changing but it just seems to overwhelming at the moment i dont see anyend to the low mood but i know that i need to change it i have to do it but how i get told that people are out there that love me and i know that but it makes no difference which is sad.
i sit here feeling pent up as when i say how i feel it seemz so little in the big world but it is so important to me and it is really important again i know that i have to change but i cant i really cant ifed up with live with the ups and downz and i really dont want to climb out of the dark hole again as i know it is going to return again i know this soundz like nothing in the world but it is huge to me and i just cant move past it i put on my happy face for two reasons one is fake it till you make it and the other is noone understands how strong i feel then i feel like a fool as people just laugh at me and tell me that they are not problems it is just me i know it is but not sure what to do im tired of fighting these feelings and just see no end to it i have done what they ask of me i have taken my medz like they have asked for the pass 6 months my kw sayz se has noticed a change but i at this time dont feel like it i just cant cope i dont know what to do this is just a deas question. arrrr
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by nzmum on Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:57 am

you wont have offended anyone so dont even worry about that k. how you feel is important, its very important, YOU are important, u really are. I know things are feeling like shit right now, the ups n downs are so so hard and i toataly understand how you dont want to climb out that hole just to fall back in it again but, and heres the but.. you can do this, you've done it before and you can do it again and eventually sweet, its going to get better, i wish to God i could tell you when, i cant but i will be here for you and do anything i can to help you thru. Im not sure this reply is much help to you but i want you to know that i care and that im here k. Hugeeeeee hugs and i hope you sleep well tonight xox

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Fri Feb 18, 2011 8:12 am

well i have made it through to this far i dont know how but i did. i sit here im ment to go to the doctorz on monday but i dont think ill make it he doesnt need to see me ill just waste his time.
I made a decision to come off my medz i dont know if that for the better or worse but reaaly strongly believe that they are not working for me anymore so will ride the side effect and then see where i go from there.

I had a crisis management plan done for me and it was very negitive and made me feel crap i feel so worthless and hopless at the moment.
My kw said to me that i pnce had a fulltime job ran a house,hubby three children and everything involved with it and i said yer and look now i only get out of bed because my kidz make me i wouldnt if they were not here.
I believe i have true and vaild reasons for my thougts and they are real i dont see how it is going to change and i dont have the strength to make it change sure i know all the jargen it will change and it wont go on forever but hay this has been my life a rollorcoaster for the last 2 years i really dont think my kidz or my husbnd can take much more of the horrible person i have become i yell and scream all day i cry at the drop of a hat it is not the me i used to know and i see no way of finding that person to change. i need a break from life for a bit i think .

the good new is my house is now wallpapered yay
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Guest on Fri Feb 18, 2011 9:33 pm

Hey there mumtothree

You said the last 2yrs have been a roller coaster, do you know what started it? It may help to go back to the beginning... Did you take medz before '2 yrs ago'? - were you better before or after taking medz?

Do they have a bipolar network in PN?

I'm asking all these question because maybe thinking about and questioning the who's, whys, whens, can help you find a starting point again. I'm hoping also that there is a bi polar network in PN, to help you/support you.

yah for new wall paper....., Very Happy

Take care M23

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:28 pm

Well here i am again about to babble on and on.
Yesterday i had to have an a appointment with my key worker and Dr I thought it went well but it did get a little heated between my kw and me and I yelled at her for that i feel bad to day she is a great kw some of the ones i have had are a nightmare but sue is good she cares and she is really so will have to say Im sorry.

Well today I dont know how I'm feeling it is a funny kind of calm maybe we just needed a big blow out. It could also be the fact that my Dr has allowed me to do what I want i have started to cut down my medz and he sayz all he can do is offer advice he cant force me to take them so i feel i have some controll back over my life.

The worst thing is that i dont have any sleeping medz in his new script he didnt write any down so last night was the first time in a very long time that i didnt have anything to help me go to sleep it was a rough night as you can imagine so i have just got back up after having a nap feeling a little more human.

Im off to respite next week so i have hope for that am a little worried that it may give me to much time to think which is where i have run into trouble before.

But heres hoping im going to come out of this down and still be here which will be a huge think nearly 4 months and have not been in hospital which is great.

I just want to say thanks to you all for your support and help through the dark times it can hopefully only get better from here and we will keep working towards being drug free. Very Happy
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by nzmum on Tue Feb 22, 2011 2:54 am

aw you go gurl! your doing great!! Congrats on the good drs visit. Dont worry to much about sue, by all means appoligise but i bet shes had worse than you yelling at her lol.. shes tuff and its kinda to be exepcted in the line of work shes in.

always here if you need anything k ((((((((big hugs))))))))

me.

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by sleepless on Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:12 am

thinking of you loads and loving our texts oxoxox you know who
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Fri Feb 25, 2011 8:25 am

Well i made it through the week. Going to respite on monday and im in two minds looking forward to it as my kidz are ready for a break, but not looking forward to it as to much time to think.

Feeling a little hurt and lost tonight i know i am not a good parent especially at the moment but it is really hard to face when friends tell you that your children are ready for a break and they feel sorry for them i just feel like a bit of sh** i just cant keep going feeling like ashitty parent who cant do it kidz feeling it and showing it i know itz my fault and need to do something it is no excuse i know but i just dont have the strength, it is so hard to explain i just dont know any more, really thinking my little ones would be so better of without grump mum... Sad Crying or Very sad
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sat Feb 26, 2011 8:06 am

well what can i say making it through day by day today i may have found a disipline that works with my children that does not involve screaming and scaring my children. So can say that today went pretty well.

Really ready for monday hope it goes well im nervous about taking my middle man to the phych i just dont know what to expect so my head spins and thinking of all the different things that he could say from the fear that he has adhd to it is my fault i know i cant change what will be but i sure can worry about it.

How am i feeling not to sure im trying not to yell and thats great but also having heaps of negitive thoughts about ending life but managed to stay strong this far can keep going.

pleased with myself for today
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:07 am

well i have come back from respite and it was so hard i had to sit and think about my middle man being dignosed with bipolar and ho heart breaking that is.

I feel so responsible i know that will be hard or people to understand i just feel like a failure as a mother that i wont be able to protect him from the things that this illness brings.

i just cant cope with all this at the moment and that makes me feel even worse of a failure im his mum but i cant cope, im feeling very implusive at the moment which is not good.

At rspite the chemist gave me the wrong script so have been on higher quitapine than i should have so feeling angry about that.

I have managed to cut my medz to 200mg i cancelled my doc appointment for monday as they just dont help i feel that they just want you on medz to keep you quiet they are against me i know they are i ask my kw today if dr ben would take me off the mental health act next wednesday and she said that she didnt know which means no so i said i would just cancelled the appointment and she said that she had already talk to the receptiotish and told her not to cancelle it im so mad i just want them to get out of my life arrrr.

ok i have moaned enough sorry
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Fri Mar 04, 2011 6:25 am

well im almost off all my medz and i feel ok i finish my teg on sunday and i have started to cut down the quitipine from 100 to 75mg so i hope to be med free soon i cant wait when im med free i think i will be much beta once you go throught the adjustment it will be alright.

i feel more and more traped by the whole preasure of the mental health system the more i look at it the more i feel that once they have you in there arms you can not get out and they make it hard to get out, i dont trust the doc anymore as they just keep medicating and i have done what my kw wants and she still wont take me off the mental health act so i dont trust her i just want to scream at them to let me go im ok and i will be ok. boy feeling beter already.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Mar 07, 2011 7:16 am

Well i cant win i had cancelled a doctor appointment for today and then got busy and answered the phone and it was my kw saying she wouldnt allow the cancelling of the appointment i told her that i was ok and i didnt need to waste the docotrs time she told me that they would make that decision so i turned u my kw sat in the waiting room with me for less than 5 min we were just talking about normal things how are weekends were and so on. we were then called into the doctor and the doctor asked me how i was feeling and i told him fine and my kw worker jumped in and said not i was high or elevated i though where did you get that from the short time we spent together, well it got worse he wouldnt take me of the mental health act i just cant win they wont let me go i ill if im sad and ill if im happy.... I have also come off my mendz which i have talked over with them and the doctor even reduced my medz for me and they talked like i had done this behide there backs arrr what are you ment to do. The doctor asked me when my last maina episode was i as far as i was aware hadnt had a maina i only have hypomaina and he told me that the last doctor said that i had expereinced a full mania i dont recall that you never get a straight answers so you never know where you are. I just need to get out of the grips of community mental health to ride the wave as they call it.
Other than that it has been a great day i mangaed to start preping my vegie garden for winter so will look forward to doing that this weekend, im going to watch my boz do swimming sports tomorrow so that will be fun and just a busy week so looking forward to that. I visisted a friend today it was nice to see her she is a great strong women who is a inspiration. Very Happy geek
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Wed Mar 16, 2011 6:55 am

well it has been a while since been on so i thought i would update my thoughs well i have been off tegrtol for 9 days and off quitapine for 2 days it is ok i feel good and happy which is great it feels so long since i have been that way, i did not sleep at all last night so to make sure i stay on top of that i had to ask for a weeks sleep meds i thought well it is only a week so we will see how it goes.

I got to talk to a person i trust about my boz and i feel so much better about that i feel confident in the decisions that i have made.

so all in all doing really well im happy but not high and i am not sad which in a very longtime feels great.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by nzmum on Wed Mar 16, 2011 3:46 pm

yayyy you! sleep meds must be workin cos i just txt ya lollll

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sun Mar 20, 2011 6:35 am

well had a great day today me and my boz went pinecone collecting for a school fundraiser it was fun then we carried onto the beach the sun was shinning it wasnt windy it was great , the boyz had fun and it was a pretty relaxed day yay.

sleep is a bit of hit and miss but that seems to be ok at the moment it doesnt really seem to be effecting me so will carry on.

I feel good in myself and the world looks pretty good from where im sitting at the momment which feels great.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by nzmum on Sun Mar 20, 2011 7:07 am

yayyyyy! im glad you had a great day, fantastic day for pinecone collecting and the beach!

so glad your feeling good, im happy for ya, u deserve good stuff! Smile


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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:06 am

wow a few dayz i have been taking tamazapam upto 30mg and still only getting 4 hours so i asked to be swapped back to zoppies and last night i slept 8 hours wow yay party.

the other good newz is that i asked my kw to come off the mental health act and she said she would talk to the dr, when she phoned later she said that the dr had said no but she would try again on friday so now at last with her behind me i will come off tomorrow yay.

Then today i dont know weather it is because i got sleep but i have been freaking out all day in a big way. It started with a phone call from my boz kw asking if it would be ok to discharge my middle man so they can take on my ollder boy i said yes but then panic and thought have i done the right thing or not then all the stuff that is going to happen to my big boy (all for the good) but its hard to know that he is not well, then i began to think about the job i want to aplly for and worrying if im ready i think i am but in my career it i fuck up thats it no more career, and the preasure of failure is unbearable if i go down this time im not coming back up. I talked to my hubby nad he is worried also about me coming off act and getting a job he knows that this is what i want but he doesnt want me to rush so now just freaking that i will fail i know logic and all that but i cant get it out of my head the preassure im putting on me is not good but cant stop cant talk to kw as she will i dont know but it will not be good im sure. wow that is good just to blahh that out not to sure if i understand or if i try to talk to someone else if they would understand.
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