it started to years ago

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it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Sep 10, 2009 9:06 am

Well i have read a few of the other journals in here and thought i would give it a go. I'm not sure where to start so i'm just going to sound it out for me and see if it helps me by writing it down.

Here i am 26weeks pregnant with our little suprise present and this feeling of dread just came over me, the pregnacy was turning out like my first baby oh no not another difficult baby how am i going to cope, went to gp to get help he just fobe me off in a not helpful manner, this set me back more. Thnak god i had a good midwife who refered me to mental health just like i predicted i went into labour two weeks early and from birth i new it was going to be bad i looked at my baby and felt nothing. Well this is where my world came crashing down i was admitted to hospital when baby was 7weeks old and have just found out that i had gone into phycosis and PND i struggled throught the next year with more hospital stays and my mind was a bluer, i don't even remember my sons mildstones which make me very sad last baby and all not being able to enjoy or even remember important things. Then 11/2 years later it all goes pear shape throught the last two years have tried lots of different meds was admitted again in may 09 and this is where i got the hardest thing i'm trying to work through and that is the diagnoses of Bipolar 2 my world was turned upside down, it is causing huge barriers in my marrage while we come to terms with a women who handled and took care of everything to a women who lost controll became suicidal and a screaming witch to her children ( and hating it) how is someone ment to work through this struggling with taking meds or not i have a medical condition as well so with all the mental health drugs i take alot and don't like the thought of all the differernt interactions that they cause and having to take more drugs to counteract the other drugs. So what am i ment to do feeling like crap again been off medz a week and 1/2 and don't want to go on them again. wow that sounds oh i don't know to actually say it all out loud it looks so different than i thought it would.
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Floss on Thu Sep 10, 2009 9:53 am

You go girl! I think its helping me to write down things here too. I totally understand about the screaming witch thing. I think thats where I finally admitted I needed to do something. I didnt want to be screaming at my 2 year old and feeling guilty for it. It got to the point where I could see him visibly flinch when I screamed at him and that was a turning point. Anyway i should probably write this in my own blardy journal! Be strong

Floss alien
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:14 am

Well that time has come around today i held a party for my baby who turns two on monday. I was so pleased i'm still around to see it, it has been touch and go for me for awhile. The weather was good the rain held out, it was great to see everyone and i'm sure my baby had a good time.

Feeling a little emotional with thinking about how much i have missed of my baby's life so that is hard i don't even really remember his first birthday but hay lets hope the second was good for him.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Sep 14, 2009 8:05 am

well today my baby turn two for me i feel sort of all over the place i'm so glad he is two and no more babies just little boyz then i feel mixed because i feel i have missed so much i feel angry at my self for missing so much. HE HAD A GOOD DAY AND SHOWED HE WAS in training for his terrible twos so we will have fun with the next year. Oh so relax did most of xmas shopping and birthday shopping (January) so that is great.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Tue Sep 15, 2009 2:12 am

I just need my space to have a little rant to myself so please excuse me. Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad

Today after asking since last wednesday for a script for mkeds my keyworker finally rang to say it was there well to b----dy late i've come off them now could of used them last week. She also rang to say that my DR has to change my appointment from this Friday until next Thursday i feel i really needed one sooner rather than later, this sends my little definate side up and i thnk screw the lot of them i don't need them i've sat here all day on the couch crying what for nothing i have enough again but what is the point in talking to the Dr or key worker they only have 1hour for you every 5 weeks this is my complusory visit under section 76 of the mental healt act but what is the point if they are to busy, Sorry just feeling a little p*****, at them and myself.
thanks for listening.
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Guest on Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:07 am

And I can understand why you are pissed off!

I would be too!!!

Guest
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by 6egirl on Tue Sep 15, 2009 7:57 am

Sending hugs I love you
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sat Sep 19, 2009 7:06 am

Hello i'm just going to moan to myself. well sleep is going better than normal so why do i feel even worse than when i don't sleep. It is a pain i'm really low and angry i have so much to work out and can't sort any of it in my head. I had words with my hubby about how he could support me but i'm not sure if i want to stay around to see if he can change i have already been here 18 years but then i feel a failure as i can not work out my marriage hopeless for my kidz and a wate of all those years please don't judge just getting it off my chest, I yelling again about everything and thats not ok and i feel terrible. I'm feeling fat and can't lose the wieght i wanted to try medz again but couldn't get hold of keyworker so i've given up again so feel i'm a let down oh sorry to maon i just need a nutral feild where poeple aren't telling me how i should think and feel. thats me
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by daze7 on Sat Sep 19, 2009 10:11 am

Hi Mumtothree ..... I'm just pleased you've joined us ... hope it's really helpful.

Hugs, Daze
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Floss on Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:17 am

Hi MT3,

Glad your baby had a fantastic birthday. They just grow up so fast huh? Hope the weekend wasnt too stressful for you with all the rellies, its a lot of pressure.

Are you still off yours meds? I cant believe caseworkers etc would be so slack in sorting things out for you especially after everything you have gone thru over the last few months. Shocking care.

Hope all is ticking along ok at the moment, take it slow and take care xx

Floss alien
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sun Sep 20, 2009 9:25 am

wow just been on chat board and it got me really thinking I'm at a similar place to mylife feeling the preasure of life again. I'm not sure what to do about my marriage as i don't feel i have an unsupportive hubby i'm yelling and feeling agiatated towards my kidz and i don't want to i feel that i have no control over it and as this goes through my head i feel a failure about everything, i'm feeling fat etc so feeling a little down never mind i supose life goes on.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:41 am

Just come on to have a little maon to myself so excuse me.
Well feel the pits again I asked hubby and clearly laid out what i ment for emotional support so he understood what i ment but hay after 18 years i guess i'm never going to come first in his life, one of the things i asked was if i had had a bad night if he could get up and just give me a little more time in bed take the kidz give them breakfast well last night was the last straw he kept me awake most of the night snoring so when the kidz bounced on my head at 6 ready to start the day i clearly turned to him and said i've only had 2 1/2 hour sleep so what did he do rolled over and went back to sleep i'm so angry i feel well the last 18 years have been a waste of time as he truely only does think of himself and boy i feel stupid everyone tried to say but no i loved him and carried the load for all this time and when i need him if he does not come first them no one does sorry to upset going to finish dinner may come back later when i have stopped crying.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:03 am

i'M BACK well i'm still not feeling any better i feel so low it's hard to know what to do i feeling such a failure and noyhinh seems to help.
I went to my dr today and she said she would not take me off the act but she would agree to support me with taking medz and see how that goes for the next month and if that does not help then she said she would look at ect for me but i'm not sure anymore i just feel so black and low
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Floss on Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:24 am

Hi MT3,
Hows your wknd been?
I hear ya bout the sleeping thing. If my patner is tired then he just gets into bed and goes to sleep even if its 6.30pm and I need help to get kids in pyjamas and bed. Then if I need him to get up to one of them in the night, boy do I hear all about he goes to work so he needs a decent sleep. Sigh.

Are the kids still going to daycare to give you a break? All the best, thinking of you...

Floss alien
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Guest on Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:20 am

hey floss and m23,

esp m23, hope all gets better for you and that you are feeling better today.

Floss, love the photo of the boys - how old are they in the photo?

Guest
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Sep 28, 2009 4:37 am

Hi Thanks for your thoghts no things are just getting worse my two youngest are now sick and on medz so are up and down through the night, i'm at the end of my teether and i don't now how much more one person can take, sorry to moan but i do now that you understand with littklies of your own so many poeple just don't get it they just say don'y get up to them ignore them but you can't.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Floss on Mon Sep 28, 2009 6:04 am

Oh god yeah MT3, I hear you, I would so come round and take the pressure off if I lived near by. No I cant ignore my babies, in fact, i am so fine tuned that if I hear the tiniest cry I am instantly awake. Even If I could get my partner to get up to them I would just be lying awake listening, and even then I would probably have to get up to double check they are ok.

Hugs to you MT3, things are hard enough for you already. If you wnt to PM I am always around.

xx Floss alien
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Sep 28, 2009 8:53 am

well today was my first phycologist appoinment today i did not see the point of this but i'm sure it will unfold as time goes on. I'm feeling pretty crappy again i just don't know what to do anymore, i had to omit defeat today and ask to go back onto drugs so feeling a failure as i can not work throught it by mysefl at this time of my life i feel so out of control i've never been here before and i really don't like it. I wish i could just get over it. It was the first day of the school hols i so didn't cope i don't want to be around the kidz and i feel so bad that i don't want to be around them what kind of mum does that make me it hurtz so much.
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:52 pm

well I have not been into my journal for awhile and i need to get things out.
Yesterday i went to the counsellor and had a good talk but came back feeling not the greatest I told her about hubby and that i just don't now what to do now i'm so tired of fighting life and just trying to live one day at a time i'm so unhappy i feel bad for my kidz as i'm not there for them and when i am i yelling i now this soundz very repeated and it is but i just don't know what the hell to do anymore i've had enough my kidz deserve so much better I9'M A FAILURE
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:47 am

Ok lets back up a bit mum,

Your children would idolise you no matter what. A mother is that special person in thier lives ..

If I remember correctly you have boys - who especially need thier mum.

They do not deserve better.

They have the best - the best you can be at this time - do they not?

Do you have any family or friends you can lean on for a good rest? Even to stay for a few days to get over this 'hump'.

That might be all it takes to get you back on an even keel.

I have been at the place you are at and know what you are experiancing. Please do pm me, I am willing to listen, and no - I don't get sick of reading the same stuff over and over, because I can so relate!

Guest
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by daze7 on Thu Oct 01, 2009 2:02 am

Hi Mumtothree, Do you have any childcare? I'm thinking of Barnardos or similar - to give you some time out. You may already have this in place. I hope you're feeling a little better for having been in here 'getting it out'. Hugs for you - wish I could come round and make you a coffee - or better still take you out for a coffee, by yourself! ....... Daze
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Tue Oct 06, 2009 5:10 am

Hi There i just thought i would pop in and say hello things went down hill all week but i just couldn't get the right words out to ask for help when asked did the usualk i'm fine well hit me on friday i had to take zoppies to make myself go to sleep so i didn't do anything my hubby came home and called the cisis team on me and was admittied on friday night. so that me for now don't know when i will be out at home having leave at the mo the bugger is i had to have my leave revoked also as i ended up in hospital. thanks for your help guys may see you in the future.
Clare
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:22 am

well what a last few weeks i'm home on extended leave from hospital until Monday then i go back and will hopefully be discharged. I had to make the hard decision to go back on all my medz but it is the best i'm feeling better so it must be good so will try the drugz for a while, and enjoy the leave that i've got and just take it easy.
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:14 am

Really pleased to hear that you are feeling a little better and that your hospital stay has been helpful. Hope that you enjoy your extended leave and that the last few days of your hospital stay reinforce the good work you have done.

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Oct 22, 2009 7:14 am

well just a note to myself i've been on my medz for about two weeks and today i just feel like i have hit the wall. i was feeling numb not really feeling anything which was better than before but now i'm sitting on the couch just feeling low and crying i have not slept right for the last three nights so that will not be helping but i'm hoping it will go away tomorrow after a good nights sleep but i'm also scared that it wont i know it is silly but i'm worried
i'm feeling a bit mixed up saw phyc on tuesday and she told me she was leaving the service at xmas so i feel let down again i know that is silly but i do i feel like every few months i have to relive my horrid parts of my life and i'm still not getting anywhere.
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