it started to years ago

well all is going well i have been to the dr and she said i have a hormaanal inbalance which i'm not sure what this means for me but hopefully i will get somewhere. i have increased my medz so this has helped and i do feel better which is great so not sure if it is all hormones or what because surely if it was the medz would not make a difference but hay we can only wait and see.

Sounds encouraging so far. Keep us posted on how it is going. Judy

hay it has been a while sice i have been on here but just need to note how i'm feeling my meds are not working again, feel crap more often again but putting on that smilly face and happy voice as i don't feel i want to burden anyone else as i have been a pain so much this year already. I have a dr app next monday for hormone info i hope and see dr at hosp on thurs i hope i have so many questions and can't seem to find answer it is hard to now that you are going down hill but have got no way to go i don't seem to be able to handle sleep dep as well as i did before and have started flying of the handle at the boz which is not ok i just need answers.

ha i'm back on here again need to sound off. found out on friday that a friend who had been on acute mental health ward here ward 21 i had visited and she had her boy there and seemed ok well on Friday found out she was in icu with liver failure and it's not looking good i'm shocked and angry as MET sent her home in the morning even after her od she then went home and took more she needed help and they didn.t help.

Then another mutal friend whom is also unwell took it all on her shoulders that it was her fault as it appeared that our friend behaviour got worse when she was around. I now worry about her as she is saving pills and could also overdose the MET team keep ringing her but she doesn't see what they can do she won't talk to her hubby i just i don't know it is getting to big for me to handle i'm still struggling with my own health and my little sister is coming down with pnd i just want to take that on as i know how bad that is i want to save her the pain oh i can't sleep i keep trying to work out how i can help. ArrrrrrrrrrrR. THANK FOR LETTING ME VENT.

Well i'm so close to maybe a cure of all my ills but i keep getting walls put in the way first the cream is going to cost me $120 a month from a normal chemist it is a hormonal cream so it has to come from a special chemist I had just found out what was wrong so i felt great until i heard that money is so tight it is not funny. I had heard also that a friend had od and was in liver failure and this was by txt, then another friend started texting me about her suicidal intensions which was really hard as i'm having trouble coping myself with life at the moment. then i rang the chemist today to find out how much it would cost to buy it direct and the man would not tell me the price then i turn upto my appointment to see my dr and she is not there again until the first of feb and i got papers in the mail to be resectioned wow what a last few days i in a muddle.

well i got my cream after a dance and show first the chemist would not give me a price then i had to wait but yes i finally got it on the 23rd Dec so it was my early xmas preasent. I put it on straight away I know its only been a few days but i think it is making me worse i had mmy sleep thrown out i feel so tired it is terrible i think it is going the wrong way i feel worse i'm trying to work throughtit but the fight is getting harder again i have put so much preassure on myself my little sister is due to have her 2nd baby at the end of Jan and i want to be there for her and not have the focus on me as she said it was on me last time and she did not get the support that a first time mum should of got and it was my fault. I struggling what should i do i just want to scream. ARRRRRRR thanks for that.

Scream and shout all you like, we have ear muffs on!! Heck even swear!!! we can handle it.

Remember, we are all cyber friends here... and there is no holds barred...

so go for it!!

Well i'm at a lost I tried a oestrogen cream thtat i had pinned all my hopes on to get better and become well again. but it didn't work i'm gutted i just don't know where to go from here i just want to stop taking all meds and just let my body sort itself out i just can't take the not knowing anymore.

hmmm that's no good mumtothree, I hope something is found for you soon!

Has your sister had her baby? Are you an Auntie yet?

hay there no bun still in the oven she due in about two weeks so here is hoping i'm an aunty again soon.

I hope they find something soon as well

I just need to get somethoughts out so excuse me.
Well my cream didn't work and i'm feeling a low as i don't know where i go next i have tried to ask keyworker where to next and she was not any help i am just feeling lower and lower i'm coming off meds as they have just oiled on the weight and i really need to lose it before i get diabeties or something, i just don't know where to go from here. I tried to rell my hubby how i was feeling but noone seems to get it. I also had a very hard session with my phsycologist this week and in a way don't want to go back. oh i wish my mind would just slow down so i could think i just want to get off this ride.

Well as i get lower and lower I try to hide it more and more which i know is not good but i don't want anyone to be ashamed of me anymore.

I'm so angry at myself and so i yell at the kidz i know its not right i just can't help it, it has got so bad that my lovely sons case worker has but a semi urgent request into open home foundations so now i feel even more guilty that i can't look after my kidz and what a bigger failure i am my sister is due tomorrow and she needs me to be strong for her but only just holding on i'm getting bad thoughts again and have startede the process for that i just want to leave all the time then feel guilty for that i just want 1 ray of sunshine to make things better.

Well i'm back great newz i became an aunty again on friday and she is just beautiful. The bad news is that i ment to stay strong for her and i'm having a wonderful time at the mo i'm happy happier than i have been in what feels like years and they are looking at putting me into hospital have you heard anything so stupid putting you in hosp for being happy. the world has gone mad mad i say

well what a past few weeks i ended up in hospital last thursday in the high needs unit it was pretty scary i went on a hypomania fortnight and then came crashing down in three days it was amazing how fast i came down well got to see may own doctor and she confirmed that i have bipolar 2 so just trying to get a grip on that at the moment. I'm on a home visit at the moment overnight so we will see how this goes then maybe next week i can come home fully i have started new meds and we will see how they go so life has thrown another curve ball i just want it to end and life to be balanced again or another high that would be great

I thought i would just write out my thought and feelings again just to help me if you have any ideas jump in.
I'm just beginig to feel really down again I got out of hosp a while agaon and was doing well then I got called up for an op that i needed I got bumped three time on the third time i even got into the waiting area of the hosp i waited until 6pm from 11.30am then got told it would not be happening i went again the next day and got through I was placed in a horrible ward and ended up getting an infection in a wound b4 i even left but no one even noticed so in pain and intrupted sleep which is a biigey for me i went home on the sunday it got bad enough i even braved ity back to my DR for antibiotics but i know i being a whip but the pain and not being able to move frustratd the hell out of me and got me down then today i had to face another one of my demands the denticed not fun, still in pain i feel hopeless i'm ment to be going to see my phsy tomorrow with my hubby to talk about warning signs of going down hill i feel fucked of my hubby is organising a big event so i have not seen him in a sence for weeks i just wanted someone to hold me and to sort of understand he says that he has noticed me feel down but has chose not to do anything as he is to busy i just getting past it again sorry to moan on just had to get it off my chest. unhappy today

i just want to know when will i start gettin betta i tired of feelin like this i take my medz and doing lots of mindful stuff and distraction i can't sleep even though i'm asleep. i can't stop crying again i just don't handle my little ones it is just to hard i know that is week but i just cant cope anymore.

wow my cat looks so cute. Well where do i start I have just come out from a two week in hospital it was horrid i just wanted it to be all over and it didn't happen, i just cant seem to get out of my hole. My docotr change my meds so i just have that horrid waiting period that you have to wait for the new med to kick in, I'm going to a great theripist she is so supportive i just don't want to let her down but im finding it hard to pick myself up.

well what a few weeks i have come dowm off a hypo that was great now i think im off my hypo and for the last two nights i ve had 9 hours sleep both nights that has not happened in sooooo loooong it is great and it beats the 2 -3 hours per night so i'm so hoping that it goes on i have my long term goals to come off the mental health act and in the end hopefully come off meds or reduce heavily the onez im on at preasent.

I sit here and think where and why did it all go so wrong my family don't really understand bipolar and they shouldnt have to really they have there moment of support until things get to tough then they revert back to what is best for them which i understand and get as it is not easy to go through i feel lost i don't know what i will wake up like if i have sleep it is great and does make a difference but it is so fast reverting back onto the same trademill no sleep go down hill i feel trapped as you don't know what will happen next i don't feel stable and that really does scares me and makes me very unhappy i just wish i don't have to be sick i know i can't change it but hay that is life. maon over

oh my god what a last few dayz i have to write since friday i have been feeling so aggro and the noise is just unbearable i just needed to get out of my boady it feels like someone is messing with my mind arrrr

All in a fuddle I went to visit a friend in the ward and found out that a ward friend had passed away right there it was so hard i don't know how to handle it I was only in HNU with her three weeks ago, this made my friend loose it and i just couldn't handle her she then wanted to go and self harm and i lost the plot and could only been put her to bed and got her nurse to give her prn then i had to leave her i felt horrible.

I was feeling low anyway as i was ment to get my photo taken with my sons sport team and by the time i rushed and droped off my other two i had missed the phots by 10min i was crushed, i then took him out to a house that can provided respite care for him and this just feels like another failer of mine. i just dont know anymore what to do arrrrr arrrrr.

well here i go well i have been feel i just don't know anymore i just want to stay inbed all day and just do nothing i cope in the day when no one is around but i just don't seem to cope when everyone is around. i wake up in the morning with some dreasd that i have to wake up to face another day.
i have good friends that are willing to help by listening and what have but i just don't understand how i feel working through a book but i seem to be stumped on how to work throught it but i cant get past a few mind blocks my pshcologist has gone away for 8 weeks and my key worker is ment to be in touch each week and i have't heard from her i know i should contact her but i just can't . I would just love to wake up tomorrow and for it all to end and go away

Hi MT3 sorry to hear that you are feeling the way you do. I know what you mean when you talk about wanting to stay in bed all day-I often feel like this! You talk about not coping when you are around others and I can relate to that too...sometimes when our head isn't in the right space it takes a lot of energy just to cope and being around others when you're like this just compounds that stress,especially when we are pretending that we are ok even though there is an emotional roller-coaster going on inside us. I hope that your day gets better and you find something to smile about. Hugs, Becks.x

Well this week is a roller coaster I feel so down i feel guilty that i don't feel ready to go to work i don't feel steady enough or ready to feel able to work maybe it would be better if i just went back i just don't know anymore. All i do know is that we aren't going to be able to meet our bills and that really worries me i feel such a loser that i can't help with the money side of it in the last year i have gone from main earner to nothing struggling to pay my bills i hate having to tell my son that he can't do summer sport because i can't afford it, it is just to sad. what kind of mum lets that happen its not has if my little ones have heaps so little things like sport just help.
Sorry just feeling down on myself

honey don't feel down on yourself these things happen you are a strong amazing woman take care

oxox
trina

ARRRR i just don't know what to do anymore I havr had enough My house is leaking ( sorry i understand people in CC are worse off than me) i just need to scream. And the insurance company told me that the carpet is ruinined but its not there problem as they deem it as a maintance issue well we had the roof fixed last year so that should be alright but no its not we can't find where a slow leek is coming from in the frontroom and neither could he but thats are fault as well because thats maintance but we can't find it and so can't fix it what are we ment to do don't have enough money to fix it all soooo stressed i just want a safe home for my kidz i know crying not help but it is all i can do to think how much we pay in insurance each month it is a luxury in our budget but we got for moments like these and all the ami can say are we glad were not in Christchurch what to do.

Thanks for letting me go on on on