it started to years ago

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Fri Mar 25, 2011 9:13 pm

well my faith in myself and life hit the fanmy kw rang yesterday (after tracking her down) to tell me that the dr didnt know me well enough and after reading my filies thathe didnt think it was a good idea that he took me off the mental health act im so gutted i want to cry i just see this as me failing yet again i know it seems silly to think that but the door just keeps closing and the hope is fading, i cant tell anyone how im feeling i just have to put on my happy face and that im coping where inside im falling apart. I have a friend a nieghbour and she is lovely and a valued dear friend but she is always so real and positive im to scared to tell her how i feel anymore as it just gets looked over. (please i truely love this friend)
i also got told that i couldnt go for the job that i wanted which i understand totally they needed someone everyday at the momment im doing a course so was unable to work that day but again i feel im no good for anything, i mean what is left in life to be at home all the time going to appointments and cleaning not what i thought it would be like, i always wantted to be an at home mum but i dont enjoy it like i thought i would i feel like a notheing and when i cant cope i feel guilty that i cant cope. Crying or Very sad
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Maisie on Sat Mar 26, 2011 3:12 am

Sorry that youre feeling so crap. As much as you dont like it, I wouldnt worry about the MHA - it doesnt reflect badly on you, its just something there that is meant to provide added support and security for you. I understand if it doesnt feel like that, because I feel in a similar way to you about it, but it is meant to I think.

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Tue Mar 29, 2011 7:16 am

well had an appointment with kw yesterday and told her what i thought about not coming off the act she was good bout it she did her best to get me to do what the doctor wants but understood where i was coming from. I got the report that the doctor and it was crap it had nothing to prove that i should be on the act it talk about my history which is bad i know that but not current i have not been on the ward for 6 months im so pissed and angry i hate what they are doing to me and i cant do anything to fight back.

im also a bit pissed i have a friend that works in community and she came over last night to let me know she had put her foot in it my kw and another college were having a priviate converstation about me and she jumped in ranting about not letting me off the act and me taking my medz i wish i just had some of my life private (please dont get me wrong she is a good friend and my kw is professional)

I just want to go ito a whole and not come out again i feel everyone is just waiting for me to fail i have had enough
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu Mar 31, 2011 6:41 am

how is this i have maybe found a solution to some of my problems it started with a call from my new doctor nurse today saying that the doctor had reviewed my bloods and wants me to drop my thyroxine by 50mg so i thought i would look up what the side effects of over medicating with thyroxine and oh my god i have so many of the systoms it is not funny insomnia and weight loss aggression and depression and gritty eyes i thought i had conjuntiveitis this is interesting when i also gave the bloods to dr at community and he said nothing i will be made if it is this simply to get better. im holding onto this hope as i dont want to crash and fail off meds will keep my finger x will notice in a week or so if it is this i hope.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by nzmum on Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:09 am

oh wow i hope it is a solution! i would be mad to if its that, stupid drs over medicating! but if it is that then that will b great for you as you will have an asnwer to some things and be able to fix them, i got my fingers and toes crossed for you too!

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:17 am

i have to just come on and have a maon arrr arrrr today i have had enough i got up after only having two hours sleep thanks to my husband.

Over the last few days i have been feeling just like a slave and nothing more than that and i have had enough so i yell and screamed at my hubby telling him that he needs to help and that im tired and do you know what he did told the neighbou/friend that he was worried that i was getting unwell didnt think that maybe he was the problem and that he needed to look at himself and see what he was doingbut no it was that i was getting mentally ill again i just want to scream and angry that everytime i yell now he will just go straight to she is ill and that pisses me off as he will not look at himself..
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Wed Apr 06, 2011 8:25 am

well i almost gave up on monday and asked to go back on meds i rang my kw to ask for another sleep med as the other ones i had were not working i had average 2-4 hours per night for the last 2 weeks i was at the end and she said she would ask dr and see what he said i got a message saying that dr would give me anything well kw rand the next day and saif that dr wouldnt give me sleep meds unless i went back on tegratol and quitapine so i said to kw that this was a form of torture and she just said well the dr not backing down she also sliped up and said that he said he would not take me off act unless i was on my meds for 6 months which kw worker tried to cover up quickly by saying that is what he said bout someone else so i reminded her that i had done everything that has been asked of me to come off act and everytime my review comes up they move the goal posts im so pissed i cant trust anyone up there now and the dr well he has a fight my kw then turned round and asked me how my mood was i said ive has 28-30b sleep in the last 14 days how do you think i feel arrr arrr cant win.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Maisie on Wed Apr 06, 2011 10:47 am

I went off my meds and thought that was the answer to everything, but it all went very, very wrong - so Im back on them again and things have improved. Sometimes meds are the right thing.

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Wed Apr 06, 2011 7:54 pm

Thanks masie i have been off them for over a month now and feel much better than i ever did on them, i have got a few more hours sleep over the last few days and my mood lifted so it is just because im tired which is good to know
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:52 am

well thing are going ok i guess it is hard to say i still have to fight negitive thoughts and i find it hard to keep going but the medz are out of my system i have lodge to the mental health tribunal to get off the act and funny know my doctor is willing to talk and talk about coming off the act, so roll on next week when i see him.

The other night i sat down and rolled through my past and wrote down about how it felt for me to go through postnatal depression i am giving a talk about it to a group of people on wednesday and this will be the first time i have had to sit down and reflect my feelings it was so hard and it has stirred some feelings up and not sure what to do with that as kw away and i dont want to screw up y chances of coming of he act so i let it out here, one thing i oticed was that in my talk i said sometimes you hide things/emotions well that your loved ones don;t even know how you feel whummm going there.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sun May 01, 2011 7:53 am

well i did my talk about my journey through postnatal depression it was so hard and to make matters worse the person i was giving the talk with ivited my dr in i was so angry as i see him on Wed to talk about coming off mha and he had sectioned me on my past and not what im doing positive life things now so i dont know how he will use this information on me on wed and that makes me very nervous im sure he cant use any of the information but who knows i dont know how they come up with there information half the time. Im having a hard time with thoughts but trying to stay so busy i dont have time to think im also having very inapproaite behaviour i cant help it i just laugh at the most inapproiate things but i just cant help it i ment to see my kw on tuesday but picking she wont as i se her and dr on wednesday.

I just dont know what to think or feel im all over the place on the postivie is that i have been off meds for 7 weeks and out of hopsital for 7 months yay.

will keep updated to how it goes on Wed.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by Maisie on Mon May 02, 2011 11:34 pm

Good luck tomorrow M23!

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Wed May 04, 2011 8:27 am

well it finally happened I had my talk with dr ben today and he took me off the mental health act PARTY he came to a talk i did and he did bring it up but he brought it up in a positive way he said it made hime look at me in a different light yay im so excited im sitting here have a cider to celebrate.
He just said i had to tell hime how i felt and what i wanted it was hard and i almost didnt go i couldnt breathe but i did it i said that being off the drugs i had more clarity and awarness of my thoughts it doesnt mean i still dont have suiciadal thoughts but im not numb so i do care what happens its hard work but much better than being a drug zombie, i also explained that i cant work due to the line of work i do and be under the mental health act he said that he resectioned me on my history so i told him that he has to look at me in the here and now as i know that my file is black as black so he retold me the risk of coming off medz so all i had to agree to was to do a relasp prevention plan so it was a great day im today so relaxed i may not even need my sleep med oh that was the other great thing i was on weekly despencing and he wrote me a script for the month and he said it could be weekly despencing and i said no i may as well have monthly despencing and he said no how about fortnightly oh my god score number two of the day im so high it is great. Will wait till i see how it goes after i get over the whole thing that has stood over me for two years i may even drop off my cv to a few places tomorrow.

Sorry i just want to document this as it is a day in my history.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Sat May 07, 2011 8:30 am

i got my papers to say that im no longer mentally disordered yay i just hope i dont f##k up again, im so nervous
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by becks on Sun May 08, 2011 5:55 am

Way to go MT3! That's great news for you.
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Wed May 11, 2011 1:39 am

well one week on im not sure how i feel at the momment im very up and down having negitive thoughts and stuff but will see how to fight through it cant do anything else i hate living like this it only feels like haf a life at the momment i just dont know what to do dont feel well enough to work because of the wobbles im having but them think work mayb good to get my mind out of head space
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Mon May 16, 2011 9:16 am

just a grumble to me from me I have had enough i cant take much more i cant sleep i sit here crying most of the time and i feel guilty my little boy was sent home sick today and i really just needed the few daz off from my kidz and life i wanted to just be able to crawl into bed and let the world go by then i agreed to also do a research thing for a company and the i have things on thursday so another week has gone by that i havent been able to stop and now im on the way down, i told my husband how bad i felt and he said all the right words that he would help me get through this but then he carried on as usual went out left me with the boyz for an hour or so went out to basketball on saturday night then slept in till 10am on sunday leaving me exhausted and dealing with the kidz i just dont know im moaning again but i really have had enough, all i have done is yell and scream and just feel shitty and a failure, got a rough night ahead of me with a sick little man but never mind thatz life, i hate this half living
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu May 19, 2011 4:24 am

This is turly for me well today i sit here losing my inner battle i have had enough and am tired of life i feel like it is just swinging from low to vey low and just cant get off the cycle tried to talk to kw yesterday and ask for skills and she just told me to think positivly well im fucked off with this answe bcause for beep sake im trying my head hurts so much from doing this but i cant stop those thoughts going round and round she told me to do thing and that i have to much time to sit around and think but im busy everyday and i dont have the motivation and self confidence to get a job at mo i feel im on the edge just waiting to fall over.

this weekend my older boz were ment to go to respite and i just kept thinking if i can just get there will have a break and i can keep going but my older boy is having surgery on Friday so they cant go plz dont get me wrong i want the best for my boz but im at that edge.

I just dont know what to do anymore im a failure and cant sort my life out. Mad Crying or Very sad
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by jaffakiwi on Thu May 19, 2011 5:04 am

Hi Mum... I'm so sorry life is so difficult right now.
Flick me a PM if you'd like to meet up for coffee. Hugs to you.

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu May 19, 2011 7:43 am

thanks jk i was going to try and come to that meeting this week but oldest boy ended up having a preop admin appointment that seem to go on forever. how did the relaspe planning go kw didnt bother to do one with me gutted really,
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by jaffakiwi on Thu May 19, 2011 8:16 am

The group was good this week, a good 15-20 people were there. The normal facilitator couldn't make it this week so we didn't start on the care plans. Hopefully you can make it next week?

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu May 19, 2011 8:41 am

wow that is alot of people in one group will try it is at 2.30 on Wednesday,what do you do just talk or what i should find out really i dont know if i want to go at the mo a bit low dont want to bring anyone down
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mumtothree

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by jaffakiwi on Thu May 19, 2011 7:57 pm

Definitely don't worry about bringing others down. People get teary eyed there quite often. It's very supportive. There's usually no agenda. The group normally just starts with a round of "how was your week" and conversations usually just go from there. Some people stay quiet why others are quite chatty.

It's at 1:30. If you like I can meet you in the square before hand and walk there with you?

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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Thu May 19, 2011 10:14 pm

may go still not sure but thanks for the offer of meeting before hand will let you know
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Re: it started to years ago

Post by mumtothree on Tue May 24, 2011 10:05 pm

well i have enough i just dont know what to do anymore i dont wont to be this unhappy or angry anymore my life is falling apart and i dont seem to be able to do anything to stop it.
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Re: it started to years ago

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