Things are hard at the moment and i feel that i am losing everything

Things are not going good for me at the moment. I feel that i am losing my family and everything that i once gave up. I think that this might confuse others so i am going to explain.

After been married once to a guy that was abusive i said to myself that i would never live with another guy or get married again. After four years been on my own with just me and my four girls, someone came into my life. That was Feb 06. In May 06 me and the girls moved from the city we were in to be closer to him as he was studying a uni. That was a big move going from one city to a bigger city. Then in July 06 we got married.

Since meeting this guy things have changed so much. My oldest daughter has a different father to the other three girls. She was emotional abused by my ex so i have been through alot with her from nightmares to self harm. After alot of counselling etc she is now is great. She is 14 now. When i met this guy i lay all my cards on the table and told him what me and the girls had been through as if he couldn't handle the effects then i didn't want him in our lives. At the stage of meeting him i had depression and it was only about a year after i had a breakdown.

Than he started to favour my eldest as the others were seeing there father. He felt sorry for her as she had no father to go see and all that she had been through. I spoke to him about it and things changed a bit for a little while but recently though things have been getting worse.

I feel as if i am living in a house were there is two families - me and the three girls and him and miss14. It feels as if he loves her more than anything and that he would be happier just having her in his life and me and the other girls are just baggage to him. He says to me that he misses me heaps while he is at work but when he comes home he says ' hi hunny' gets changed and goes straight to Miss14. Last night he said 'I'm off to bed now' then 10 mins later i go down the hallway and he hasn't gone to bed at all; he is in miss14 bedroom.

I have found letters/papers over the last year saying his feeling for miss14 etc and his feelings for me. One time during a fight he said 'if we separate can i have miss14'. It really hurts that he wants her and not me. He says he married me not her but to me actions speak louder than words to me. I can say something and it is wrong but if miss14 says the exact same thing it is right. He has not touched me in months ie sex; he doesn't hug me as he once did, etc.

Last night i found a paper saying than he had found a place for him and Miss14. I confronted him about this as i have had enough. He said that he hadn't but i dont believe him as i have found places that he has been ringing etc looking for houses. When it comes to the other children there is one that he doesn't get on with and the other who he gets on with ok. I said to him last night that i can not take anymore of this and by the end of this week one of us needs to find a new place. He keeps saying that no one needs to move. To me i have been left with nothing before from a relationship and the same will happen again as he came into this relationship with a bedroom full of stuff and me a houseful, but i can start again. As long as i have the children's things i don't care. I am scared that if he goes he will take miss14. I have asked her to think about what she would like to do. She is a very mature 14 year old so it is a decision she can think about.

I feel that i have lost my daughter as well as a marriage. I can handle the marriage side but not losing the daughter side. I feel that i am the one who has to choose between losing a daughter and been happier in myself or keeping my daughter and husband and feel like i am there slave and unhappy. I gave up everything to be with him and it feels like a slap in the face. That from the beginning it feels that he didn't want me but miss14.

Im sorry for writing so much. I just need to get things out before i end up losing all my children and having another breakdown. My last breakdown was hard on everyone as i had to relearn to be a parent as well as learn everyday tasks again - even cooking a meal was big task for me. I need to sign off now before my children wake up for the day. Hubby is at work already which is good as at the moment i need some space from him.

Aw hun sounds like things are so rough at the mo, and so complicated. Im sending you many many hugs because it sounds like you need some xXx

Hi there

I'm sorry to hear the pain that you have been through and life repeating itself.
RE: Breakdown I know what this involves, I had a psychotic breakdown, it happened three years ago after my marriage separation. look up poetry and the story unfolds a little. What i am trying to say i know the fear you are feeling in regards to having another breakdown. Your situation is very damaging for you and your family.

From a legal prospectus though Age 14 is your daughter - he cannot take her from you, nor do you need to negotiate this with her.... she is legally your baby. Are you both at a stage where you would be willing to get relationship counselling...this is something i wish i had done. I wish you the best and hope my words don't offend you.

Kia Kaha

Hi George

Thank you for sharing your story. You have been through so much and what's that old saying 'What doesn't kill you, makes you strong" and you do sound like you have had to cope with a lot. I'm no legal eagle but as far as I can see, your husband doesn't have a leg to stand on with regards to taking your daughter. She is still under your care for at least the next couple of years or so. And I would seriously question his motives for wanting to 'set up house' with your daughter. I mean, what on earth are his intentions towards her?? It just sounds very 'sus' to me.

It may pay to get some legal advice, but he is not her biological father so doesn't really have any rights as far as I can see.

You deserve to be happy George, so don't let him brow beat you or try to railroad you into a decision that you wouldn't be happy with. Hold on to your daughter, she may appear to be very mature for her age but she still is only 14 years old.

It just seems wrong that a grown man is paying this much attention to a young girl. If he is in such a rush to spend all of his time with her what's to prevent him from taking their relationship 'to the next level' if they move in together???

I apologise if I have said too much George but you are his wife and he is showing no regard for you at all. Good that you are thinking of cutting your losses and moving on, I'm sure it will be the best thing for all concerned.

(((big hugs))) for you and your children.

Please keep us updated.

Best Wishes

Joanne

Hi George,

All children deserve to be loved and cared for and by reading your post you sound like 1 mother very capable of providing that love and care for your daughters - on your own!

It seems weird your husband would neglect (my word - not yours) the other children and favourite your eldest. This type of thing can not be good for all the children involved. You entered the relationship with very a very clear head and guidlines on what you wanted in a relationship. He has let you down and i think you need to do what is best for you. And FAST. I find it worrying if he looking at houses for just him and your daughter, she is your daughter and if he is not happy with the life with you and ALL your children - then he goes it alone!

I think you should sit down with miss14 and see what her perspective is in all of this.

You are a survivor and I have confidence in you that you will make the right choice for you and only you! AS what is best for "mum" is what is best for the kids too.

Hi everyone.

Thanks everyone for understand. For just been there. For helping me get things clearer in my head. There is so much going around in my head at the moment.

Im scared of going through separation again. Im scared as due to my ex im unable to leave this city without his premission. I have a protection order against my ex. Im scared as there is so much going on for me.

One positive thing is that i am still taking my meds. I know that they are important and if i dont take them then my world really falls apart. Also i am remembering to eat as when I'm under stress i dont normally eat.

I understand what you are saying Joanne. It scares me to think of what would happen if they were in a place together on there own.

I get really confussed as i ask him who does he really want and he keeps saying me of course and he only sees miss14 as his daughter and nothing else. I dont understand that as to me one can say anything but actions also speak louder than words.

How has my day gone so far. Well I have taken all the girls on a bus ride to Chartwell Westfield as they have got some dance shows on for the children. Today was a circus and tomorrow is high school musical. It was great this morning. We all enjoyed it. I am trying to so things with the girls so that they are getting out of the house and also so they are not getting involved with what is goingnon. Giving them some happiness if that makes sense.

When i read everyone posts i cry as it is hard to realise that there is others out there who understand what i am saying/writing. I think at times that maybe this is all in my head but then i realise it is not. That i am the only one that is seeing what is going on.

Time to wipe my eyes now and face the afternoon. Hubby gets back at four and there lots to do before than. I will keep posting so you know i ok and what happening.

Well George, big pat on the back for you, you are doing so well. You are a great Mum and of course know what is best for you and the girls. Just hang in there and it sounds as if it's going to be a bumpy ride but there are a lot of people who believe in you and you have the inner strength to see it through.

A lot of people say 'Trust your intuition' and go with your gut feeling. You deserve so much more than what this man is offering, intimacy, love and trust and he is not giving it too you.

I hope you have someone who is close to you and can step in and help if you need it.

Even bigger (((hugs))) for you and a lot of admiration.

Take care George.

Joanne

Hi Joanne,

I dont know alot of people in this city. My so-called-best mate has turned on me and also blames me. Also hubby and her are in contact so i dont trust her no longer and need space from her. My other best friend in the world is 2 hours away. He has been really good and is very supportive. It a bit hard there though as we can only text.

One person that would help has just moved to Auckland. I feel so alone in this city. I am not a person who gets out an gets involved in groups of people or mingle with others. That makes things hard. I feel so judged by others that is why i dont socialize with others.

Hubby is back now and there is so much tension around here again. Have started to clean the house again - that is one way that i can stay in control; cleaning the house from top to bottom ie cleaning the walls, floors, roof, cupboards etc. Its a great stress release also lol. Anyone need there house cleaned after mine as i might need a few houses to clean lol.

I will hang in there and stay strong for my girls. Hubby is already talking slowly to miss14 and the other girls he is been 'a sargent major' towards. I am relaxed with routines during the holidays but as soon as he walks int eh door he trys to control everything. It going to be a long night. Im sleeping on the sofa again. Will update more tomorrow. Night everyone and thanks.

PS i forgot to put the ages of my other girls. Of course i have miss14 then there is miss10, miss9 and miss6. They are beautiful children that have been through so much.

(((hugs))) George, sorry to hear things are so rough for you at the moment.

How is Miss14 towards you at the moment? Can you talk to her at all?

Oh hun, be very careful. I went through this a few years ago. Told my daughter I was leaving my partner of 18years, her stepdad. Her words to me were, oh mum I know you have been so unhappy, I just want you to be happy. Before I arrived home that evening, she had made a call to her stepdad (he told me) and said she would look after him. Well true to her word she did, they went night clubbing every weekend and he cried and cried on her shoulder. Outcome, I lost my daughter. Shes your daughter, keep her with you. Big hugs.

Hi peterpam,

How did you cope with losing a daughter? Can i ask how did they get on when you were together? I really hate what is going on.

Tonight i have done lots of crying. I have packed all my things up that were in the room i once shared with hubby. It is his room now. I have left all the gifts he brought me also in there. Looking at them makes me cry even more. I have not found the cards and letters that he wrote me yet but I'm sure i will soon.

Tonight miss6 came in and asked why are we leaving. She is very much a mummy's girl and her feeling are locked into mine - when I'm low she feels it, when i cry she also feels it, when I'm happy again she feels that. I didn't know what to say to her. I really want to stay in the house that we are in as tome this is their home yet i know hubby will not go. I have been looking for a house today but there is not alot out there in this area.

After i finished packing my stuff from the room, hubby came in and said we dont have to separate but all i could do is cry. I told him that i cant goon living the way things are. That i am sick of the double standards and the way he treats the girls different. He reckons he doesn't but i can see it. Ever time i confront the issue he walks off after saying he doesn't treat them different.

This is really staring to get to me. I feel like i am falling apart and losing control. Today all i have done is eat and eat more - binge eating. That ends up making me feel guilty so along comes another feeling to deal with. I am trying to stay strong for my girls but it is so so hard.

Hi George,

Keeping an eye on this thread, and offering you moral support from afar. Awful for you to feel alone at a time like this.

What a horrible disloyal person your friend turned out to be. I have no time for that sort of game playing. Shows her true character and you are better off without her in your life. At least you have one friend for support even though he is a while away.

Also no good for any of you living in that amount of stress. I was thinking about your daughter too. At that age they think they know it all (I have a neice who is the same age) and she probably feels flattered and it makes her feel mature that your husband is confiding in her and favouring her over her other siblings.

He should be the one to leave, you have all the children to look after, he should do the decent thing and leave you all where you are.

Anyway George, hang in there, I know it must be so hard for you.

But you are in my thoughts.

Take care.

Joanne

PS: Don't forget that there is the chatbox at the bottom of the main page, it would be good to chat to you there sometime.

Hi George,

What about going to a refuge?? Or go to housing or the Sallies. I knew its a bit step but you need all the help you can get.

(((hugs)))

Hi George, we got on reasonably well. Had a 18 year relationship, with this man. When I finally left, I no longer loved him, but I still cared for his wellbeing. When my children needed any disipline (not smacking, niether of my children can ever remember being smacked), just being firm, he would always complain about their behavior, but say you need to do it, cos you are so much more effective. Problem was he would then go to the girls and say things like, watch out for your mother she's in a bad mood, (found this out much later). He set me up and when we separated, man did that pay off for him. We had a very different way of bringing up the children and that was the main reason we seperated. Mine was, be there for them always, but they need parents, they have their freinds. Partners was, do what ever it takes to have them on side. he usually gave them money and I just couldn't compete I just gave them love and understanding. I shouldn't complain, I guess I am very lucky, I have one of my girls back, because she now knows, every thing I say, I mean, every thing I promise, I deliver and every time I growl, I have something positive to say. My partner still loved me when we seperated, but he was lonely and he played the children. I left one of my girls with her dad. I thought, because of her age and her love for my ex, I was doing the right thing. WRONG, I now have his own family saying they are so pleased she is now with me, because they know she will survive. Funny how things turn around, daughter really needs some guideance and where's daddy now, way to busy with his new life. Be careful and huge hugs

Sorry George, I forgot to answer the most important question, how do I cope without my other daughter?. Well you know I just do. I put out lots of love vibes for her and I have huge support my very dare freinds and family. I was and am a great mum, beleive me when I tell you, I come from a very strong family and they would tell me if I wasn't, lol. Sometime's like just now, I still have tears, but I have such faith that she will be back, I just need to be patent.

Hi peterpam,

You have been through so much. My heart goes out to you.

I am having a better day today. Hate sleeping on the sofa though as i not sleeping to well at the moment. Have tried to talk to hubby again but he just walks off. We end up text talking and that getting bit old for me if you know what i mean. One should sit down down and talk not text with what is going on.

I had a great time last night chatting to some other lovely and special friends on here. They put a smile back on my face again and made me feel good in myself again. Hubby is at work again today. He left at 10.30 and will not be home til 8pm.

My girls are doing good today. We went and saw another show at Chartwell Westfield today which they really enjoyed because they were singing high school musical songs.

I will keep in touch with how we are doing. I have now taken everythign out of his room so to me it is his room now not mine. I am going to look at getting a new bed and sleeping in one of my girls room. That way i might get some better sleep. I am doing room by room packing up with belongs to me and what belongs to him and then will sort out the rest later. I dont care what i am left with as long as i have what i need for my girls. They will always come first to me. Cleaning and packing is the only way that i know how to cope. I owuld rather unpack my things if we stay than try and do things when im falling apart.

Im sitting here at the moment crying. Suddenly i feel like rubbish. Everything feels so screwed up. Its as if there is no light at the end of tunnel for what is goign on. Why does life have to be so hard all the time.

I feel so alone and scared. Im sick of crying all the time as well. There is so much goign on in my head at the moment that if anymore goes in my head is goign to exploded.

I am going to take my girls for a drive to the playground. That is something that they have been wanting to do for the last couple of days. Will write again when we get home.

aaaaaw George, come now, (((((hugs)))), it's awful for you I know. You are not rubbish at all, but a woman deeply under a lot of stress and still trying to hold it altogether for your children.

Take it easy and remember you have made plans, you are going to stay with a friend and things are already underway with the packing etc.

I think you are so together with what you said about your 'things' and it doesn't matter what you come out with, just that you and the kids are okay.

No one can expect to be able to cope well with what you are going through, so don't beat yourself up.

I hope you enjoyed going to the park it is sure to make you feel a little better, getting out and getting some fresh air.

Take care

Joanne

Oh hun you are doing so very well,even if you don't know it. I remember crying the day before I moved out, but within a few days, I just wanted to have a party. You are greiving the lose of your relationship and that is very normal. Don't beat yourself up, you and the girls are going to be ok. Hugs

Thought that i would give a little bit of an update on how we doing.

Had a headache for two days which was not good. Last night me and the girls went away for the night. That was good. Just to get out of this house and away from the stress. Coming back has been horrible.

Have completely taken all my stuff out of the bedroom now. Cleaned the bathroom and toilet completely ie walls, etc. Also done two children's rooms and the hallway. There is no lounge at the moment as that is where all my stuff is also well as it been the holidays. Thats ok though as i can handle that until i figure out what i am doing.

Texted hubby a few times today while he was at work asking what he thinks the problem is between us. Talk about thinking I'm stupid. He never gave a straight answer and when i said what i thought was wrong i got my head snapped off. Then i have found out some more things about things between him and miss14.

Life is so not fair and is so hard to live at the moment. Stress is really getting to me. Are trying to keep busy as well as look after myself. Are still remembering to take my meds.

Thank you so much Joanne for the message you sent me. It really meant so much to me. Having just someone to talk to makes a difference than letting things go around and around in my head.

Will up date again soon. Need to go put children to bed now as hubby has upset one and is now trying to hypo her up.

Hi george
I'm pleased to hear your back online and able to let us know that you are okay. -
Can you ask hubby to move/stay away from the house whilst you get things sorted out. If he has any morals he will hopefully think of the impact this is having on the children. You are doing well with the packing and getting the children out, but very taxing i imagine on you.

Texting suxs when trying to figure out things - with everything that is going on, stand firm tell him in person it is over, age 14 , children and i are making a new start- !

I hope all goes well, remember we are here for you.....

Privately i am hoping hubby opens his eyes and sees you, and doesn't want to lose you! Is prepared to go to counselling ' what ever it takes'

Poetry

Hiya.

I haven't been in here for a few days so thought that i would give an update.

Hubby keeps saying/well texting that we are going to talk but still we have not. He says/well texting again to me that he still loves me yet to me i dont feel his love anymore. I am still sleeping on the sofa. Have had some really bad headaches as well.

Took one of my girls to counselling this morning and i ended up walking out. The parents go in the room with the child. The counsellor came out to see me and we had a bit of a talk and she is prepared to be a mediator for us while we talk. I am going to take her up on her offer. If we dont talk soon then i will take the girls and go.

In myself i am not doing so good. I am sick of crying and feeling low. I forgot to take my meds yesterday due to it been first day of school for younger girls and was out of routine. Took them this morning though. Im sick of the headaches and feeling yuk about everything.

I have also done a really silly thing. It felt great at the time but now it doesn't. When i was at my friends place the other night, he offered me some love and i took it. It felt so good to feel like a woman again. Now i scared that I'm pregnant. I would love to be as i have longed for another child for so long but not at the moment with everything goign on. I need to sort one thing at a time.

Hi George

Have wanted to reply to your post but have found that i get stuck with words, so wanted to be very careful. I am worried about you - I also want to ask you to please, please go to your DR....

George you need some help with this okay, things tend to get out of our control when we are stressed, depressed... we look for comfort, for something to take us away from the pain. Sometimes we cause ourselves more pain by doing that.

K enough from me..... I will be here i have said that all along...

Poetry

"You deserve the very best things in life: magical moments, warm friendships, peace, love and laughter" (Kay's)

This has helped me........ you just gotta believe.....have hope..... and take Poetry's advice:) ((hugs))