Emily's journal

I'm new here and I'm still working out how this works.
I think I need to start writing some things down. I have so much going on right now. I don't like it. It feels like everything is out of control. My head hurts.
For roughly 10years now, I have suffered from an eating disorder. I have been in therapy for 6 or 7 years. It helps but right now it is too hard for me. I want to quit. I have always found therapy so hard. I don't cope well having to talk about myself and having the attention of me. Last therapy session I had to talk about nightmares and stuff. I just didn't cope well and it freaked me out a bit. I went home after and I didn't eat for 4 day straight. I got my eating back on track properly after about a week but I felt so gross and I just couldn't handle having food inside me.
I have never talked to anyone about my nightmares much so having to talk to my therapist about it a few weeks ago was so scary. It was too hard for me so going back to see her will be scary and I just don't know that I am strong enough to keep talking about the nightmares.
I duno I just feel disgusting. I look ugly. I have meet lots of people with eating disorder and they often say they feel fat and stuff. I am not fat, I am just ugly. Starving myself is what I deserve.
I was born with a cleft lip and palate. Over the past 27 years, I have had about 15 operations. Ever since the day I was born, I have felt ugly and from having operations, my parents reinforced my thinking that I was ugly and a waste of space. I don't speak that clearly sometimes which makes it harder for me to speak to others honestly because they don't understand me (literally as well as having an understanding of what I mean).
I hide out in my room away from others and keep my thoughts about the world to myself. I am selective who I talk to and spend time with.
Will write tomorrow.

Sounds to me like you need a friend that understands. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have watched alot of docos and programs on Anorexia and eating disorders, and have often thought about starving myself. Anytime you want to talk i'm here to listen.

Life is so hard sometimes. I can't cope right now. I just want to run away and hide from the rest of the world. I think it would be easier to just not be here and not have to deal with anything anymore.Why does life have to be so hard?
My whole life seems to be one drama after another and I think. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Life does seems to be unfair.