Journal for Maggie

Ok, so... wanted to start up a journal as a way to help me feel better about myself. I have been feeling really sad since my dad died. It has been over a year since he died. My mum died over 10yrs ago and I miss both my parents very much. I lived with my dad since before my mother became sick. He loved her so much and was very lonely after she died. When my dad became very sick I stopped working to look after him. Still just over a year since he died and I can't seem to find real happiness.
I have recently found work but I feel they will be letting me go soon because I'm not very good at it. This especially makes me sad. I feel useless. But I know I can do better and will prove it to them. I just can't seem to get past the useless feeling.
someone once said "everyone is good at something" having a really hard time finding what I am really good at. Love to sing and dance but wouldn't say I'm good at it, besides I don't want to be known as the "really good singer/dancer" person. I'd like to be known as the really good friend person, or the good speller or great with numbers, or I'd even be stoked with the pretty one.
Yeah well that aint gonna happen anytime soon :-(.
I suck at socialising have no real friends. But I do admire alot of people and am genuinely happy for other peoples happiness. So yes., Im no good at maths and my spelling and grammer aint that hot either not to mention my beauty. Hmmm I think I am a nuisance or speak annoyingly I say that because I can literally see people tune out when I am speaking to them it's quite up setting. But I don't blame them I am a boring person. Reading this I am bored already. I dont know what to do. Oh well take it one day at a time tomorrow I will do some baking for my lunches next week. I know my husband wants some coconut cookies so I will make him some tomorrow as well. Hmmm maybe I should find something interesting to do next week. Well I'll keep my eyes open for the opportunity see what happens. Well thats all for tonight. Oh yeah I will leave with something good about today ummmmm Hubby made me a yummy dinner.

Today I felt fine I suppose. I did some baking made some brownies, coconut bickies, and a apple slice. Went out with the dog today she always loves getting out of the house. I am glad I have her in my life she motivates me to get out of the house and is so full of love. Hubby stayed a short time at work today, they didn't want him to come back until his holiday is over which is tomorrow. He wasn't feeling well today had a sore tummy. So he spent the day in bed. I tried to make dinner as well but I cut my finger on a can I had just opened so hubby finshed off cooking dinner. I gave myself a rice water facial that was nice and refreshing. Face feels soft but I like the egg one better. I feel some aniexty setting in worried about going to work tomorrow. I feel that no one likes me there, I wish I was thinner. I don't trust them but I know they are just trying to find the best person for the job. Just hope that it is me that is the best person for the job. I hate not having a job not having money to go out at all or to buy a jacket or some shoes, always saving every last bit of money for bills, food, having no money of my own. I sometimes wish I was single so my husband can have a better life without me. When I get a good more permanent job I will try to do that for him but I love him so much.
Nothing interesting happened today no surprise though. Getting fatter though I can feel it. Good thing for today I went out today and I gave myself a nice facial.

I know this is your journal but if you dont mind I'd just like to say you could easily be writing the story of my weekend, apart from the baking, cos I didn't do any and the facials cos I dont do that either... lol

hang in there and keep looking for the good.

Hi ya wowinz, thanks for the comment. Yes nothing exciting or interesting about me Im afraid. Im expecting the same kind of ramblings everyday lol. But yeah no harm looking out for the good in each day aye.

Well worked hard today, I have a sore neck and back from staring at the computer screen all day. Listen to my mp4 all day that made me feel better even did some humming for a while there hehe. I love music it makes me feel happy and gives me a boost depending on the song. Caught the bus to work $4.40 been awhile since I caught a bus to the city I felt ripped off. Nothing interesting happened today. Hubby and my dog came to pick me up from work she's so cute with butt movin side to side with excitement from seeing me. Shes so funny. Not much I can think of to write tonight. Good thing today, music is a blessing it can pick up your mood in an instant.

Well yesterday was my last day at work. No job offer for more work. My work was appreciated and was told I work fast and really good. But my boss who works off sight must not be happy with me. The sales manager is shouting us lunch for doing such a good job we finished over 2 weeks before time. I have beeen to one job interview in the meantime and another job interview on tuesday fingers crossed. My attitude to the situation, its their loss. some other lucky employer has the opportunity to scoop me up hehe. The first job interview, not too keen on because I want something more permanent that job they want someone for 4-5 weeks could be less. So the one on tuedsay I am really hopeful for a position. I did some baking in the weekend the oven was left on grill so chocky cake and ginger crunch ruined but at least I have the healthy birdseed bar. Good thing "free" lunch

Today I got a call from my last job they say they can give me work for two days. I said yes I will do it cause as they say beggers can't be choosers. Lets face it I am absolutely broke. I got paid today and happy I paid some bills so less stressed today yay! I can pay some more bills next week. Im gonna go to the second hand shop see if I can find a nice top or sweater for work or job interviews. I hope I see the other two people I met at the other job they were pretty cool. I didn't talk much to them (like I said before not good at socialising) but they are nice people and we got on alright. But they will get whipped up my new employers in no time cos they are very clever people. So tomorrow and friday I am off to work greatful to be able to say that cause next week ?? also there are alot of other people who wish they could say that. I have a interview on tuesday yay! Today spent the day annoying my dog with cuddles poor girl. I got a job offer for two days yay and paid some bills phew.

Congratulations Maggie

Thanks wowinnz for the acknowledgement of my small blessings hehe. I hope you are well and your day has been a good one. I got a sore butt from sitting on it all day typing. Im not really good at it. It takes some training for me to just there most of the day but shouldn't complain because I am very greatful to have what ever job I can get.

Good thing today I saw my friend today she is a lovely soul always smiling wonderful lady we had bit of a giggle today its always nice to laugh.

Well back to being unemployed. Yesterday was my last day but if they get any more work they said they will contact me so thats nice. I am fighting to stay positive today. I have a job interview on tuesday already feel like I failed that. Just sick of having less got me a lotto come on god something has gotta give! i will make an effort to go to the gym this week it has been a loooooong time since i've been. Good thing today is a sunny day

Wow earthquake in Christchurch dominated the news today. Thank goodness there were no reported fatalities that I know of. There were a few injuries and alot of scared people. I feel for those people and wish I could do something to help them. Will wait to see if there is anything I can do to help once everything has been assessed. Seems I would just be in the way otherwise. My thoughts are with the people in Chch and surounding areas tonight and the people who died in the plane crash.


Other things on my mind, the distance growing between my hubby and me it is obvious he does not like to spend time with me at all. Went to counceling for a while sometime back. It came up that he felt that he didn't have enough time to himself. That was hard for me to hear but it needed to be said and I agreed and understood fully that he needed more time to himself and gave him as much time and space that he needed from me. Now I feel the time I spend with him isn't worth it. We eat together, watch tv together, go shopping together sometimes other wise thats it. Just wondering if thats enough because I have a dog to do all those things with.
I have noticed that he is a different person when I am not around. Like night and day he is happy and speaks nicely to other people or women at least, men depending on who they are he talks to them like a "bro" its really weird to see its like when I am looking at him I am telling him to be quite because he says nothing if I look away or go to another room he is chatty. Makes me feel bad about myself.
I saw a pm he sent on fb that said that he wished he was where she was because he likes girls who are into open relationhips that broke my heart. I confronted him and he lied all the way until I told him that I saw his message. Only when he had no where to turn he told the truth. Then he told her not to leave him pms because his fb is broken (more lies, he didn't want me reading her pms to him).
From that he said to me he wasn't sure if he loved me any more. He said the love he had for me is lost. I couldn't stop crying. That just annoyed him so luckily we sleep in separate rooms so save it for when he is not around or when I go to bed so a lot of early nights and he prefers to be on fb anyway.
I don't blame him though I am ugly and dont have a job. But at least I know I have done as much as I could for him and his life has improved soooo much since we have been together. So if we were to separate he would still have a good life for himself.
I have thought about it obviously and am happy to walk away with nothing. I know he would like some of my families money but I want to walk away from that also. Because as they say there's no such thing as a free lunch.
I am just waiting for my family to sort out what they want and help out where I can and then move on.
At least my hubby and me don't have any children so it would be a clean break and I would never have to see him again. I feel like that was the reason god never blessed us with children.
I have talked to him about separating or moving on, starting a new life and he went straight to selling off my dog!!! never mind the furniture, cars, appliances etc just straight to selling off my dog.
I can see I will need an extra thickness of skin if I was to go through with a separation.
Once I get a job see how I feel maybe its just because I have no job as to why I am feeling this way. See how I feel about it then and maybe see a counsellor then see what she/he says.
Thats all a want to say tonight.
Good thing about today. It was a nice sunny day.