this ones for meeee

i got the job!
its only part time and only for the summer, and mostly on weekends
but it will help
it dosnt start til the beginning of december tho
i am freaking out at the moment
i am so broke
and its my big sons birthday on xmas day and he will be 16
i wanted to do something really special
but i think, it will have to be especailly cheap
i hope my brain gets out of this muddle soon

Let me be the first to say.....Congratulations!!

I know you will have had to dig deep for this job and every bit of dosh will take away a bit of stress.

thankyou!

i still feel so defeated and crappy, i know it will pass, its just one of those months lol

but
i know it will pass

Congratulations Mis on the job

That must have been amazing having your baby on Xmas day x.

Your right about 'it will pass', holding onto those words and knowing they are true helps enormously.

hugs Poetry

Good for you Mis ..... it's normal to feel a bit apprehensive .... good, calming, positive self-talk may be helpful ..... and it takes time to settle into a new job ... don't be afraid to ask questions - more than once if necessary!

Very best wishes and hugs for you! .......... Daze

well i know why i have been feeling so strange, well part of the reason
it seems that my son is depressed again
i have just had him at the dr
and its awful
i feel awful
and i feel sad for him
and helpless
and useless
and sooooo very tired
i feel like i just can't cope any more
like everything is getting to much
like my head is going to explode
and that i am going to go REALLY crazy
i feel like i am backed into a corner
and i can't escape
i am becoming very aware of my thoughts
and aware of how scared i am of life
its freaking me out
i think its time to go back to the dr, for my self
i think i need help again
and this time i need lots of help
coz i think im gunna break into a million pieces and i dont think they'll be able to put me back together, and oh my god the tears!!!
why are there so many tears!!!!

a lady I worked for once said... tears are just water on your face... I thought that was lovely...and it took away some of my sadness and embarassment about crying.

hold on mis.. hold on

I wonder how many litres of tears we have all cried, collectively ?????????

Enough to fill several lakes is my guess!

And ... where do they all come from?????

thankyou people
lo daze, yes where do they come from???

i am getting there
today was a master fuckup to begin with
i took my son to school really late as i did yesturday
they are starting to get concerned about his attendance
i feel so awful about it
i try
i really do
but my brain gets fuzzed up and i think properly and i get so anxious
i just can't get my shit together enough to get him there

next week i will be good
really good
i promise

my big son is asleep
before 2am
which is amazing
mind you i did give him some nortiptiline, doctors orders
he is depressed again
and worse than the first time
but because of his age and the fact that he isnt trying to kill himself
he isnt being referred to mental health
and therefore cannot be put on antidepressants
apparently only a specialist can give him those
we go back in two weeks
and if things arent alot better
i will insist that he is referred
i need my own house
i need my own space
for me and my kids
i love my family
but my kids and i need to be on our own
this is why my head hurts
and why i feel so fucked up
coz im actually too broke to live on my own
and i feel very stuck
that is why i have gone loopy again
lack of control over ones life
makes one crazy

i did it
i got the kid to school on time today
its a good start to the week
now i just have to keep it up
i am going to try and not to worry about everything else
and just make sure i do that one thing this week
all week
that shall be my only thing i have to worry about
coz i really have made a huge mess of it
and i need to fix it
i can feel the cloud moving away from me now
my throat and chest are still a bit tight
like what you get after you have been crying for ages
its getting better
i am taking me meds every day
and today
i am going to try and get myself to the gym
and take the big kid with me
i gots to help us both
this can't be it
for the rest of time
coz it would be such a waste

i feel like i am slowly but surely coming out of the whole
i still feel like i have been hit in the head with a four by two
but i actually left the house today to do stuff

i have been feeling so stuck
my son is seeing the dr in another week and a half
so i think once i have him sorted, or on the road to sortedness, i will feel much better
well i sure hope so

i will talk to him about my mental health too
maybe its time for different meds
i dunno
but at least i am feeling better

well i had my first day at my new job
wasnt too bad
but i am sure gunna be glad when i get my education and dont have to clean any more to make money
it really is a yucky job.
work again tomorrow
same shit different day

the arsehole is doing the same shit as b4
refusing to talk to his son
again
i can't be bothered even talking about it now
i am soooo over it

if it wouldnt hurt my son to do so
i would kick his dad out of his life completely
its so not fair what he is doing
the boy keeps asking me to ring him
or just go round there
i ring
and he never awnsers
i dont wanna just turn up
coz he prolly aint there anyway
anyway
fuck him and his bullshit
i am going to bed

kitty cat had to be put down today
she had too many breaks in her body
i ran her over on saturday
she played chicken with my car every time i came in the drive way
silly kitty
and now she gone
big son very upset
we were both with her when they put her down
she tried to bite the vet
it was truely awful

we buried her in the garden under a large rose tree thing, its not a bush its too boney
anyway
we are all rather sad and exhausted by the whole ordeal
and i have to go to bed

RIP kitty cat

sux to be sad

[i]i thought i would try a lil colour for a changeand maybe some bigger words, i got bored and am waiting for lil boy to stop mucking around and get in the shower, its already very bloody late, i have interview tomorrow morning for course i wanna do, i hope i get some decent farking sleep tonight, i hate being awoken by stupid bugs and noises, farks me off. i have decided where i am going move to, i think

i certainly like this color, i am looking for a place to live again, its hard work to be sure, everything is way over priced, and crappy, but i am feeling a lil bit desperate as i share a room with my lil son and it gets sooooooo hot and stuffy, i cant open the ranch slider for fear of mozzies who love to feast on us, but i am sure something will come up soon[b]

i really like this color on me
i think it brings out my eyes

at the moment my head is jolly good
i feel that i am coping, altho im not actually doing very much
so there isnt much to cope with
but
there is a very sad lil boy in my house who is missing his dad like crazy
his dad wont ring
he wont answer his phone or the texts i send asking him to call
me and my lil son were listening to my music on my puter today
and the herbs "long ago" came on
and my boy said oh dad has this song, we listened to it lots and lots
and then he just broke down and cried and cried
and said
he just misses dad

what the fuck do i say
what the fuck am i sposed to do?
i can't make the man see his son
i feel so bad for my boy
so very sad for him
i really wanna go and see his dad and yell nasty things at him
but ya know what
he has done this b4
quite a few fucking times
and so he will do this again
and keep putting my boy on an emotional roller coaster
bastard
what the fuck is wrong with him?????[b]

lil sons dad picked him up on xmas eve and took him for the day then i dropped him off on xmas day for lunch and to stay the night, but the boy missed me so came home
his dad picked him up again on sunday, was ment to saturday but he was tooooo hungover
wanker
and then the boy came home again coz his dad had to work the next day
he didnt have to
but said yes anyway
im glad my boy has his dad back for now

but it makes me tired
i have been on antibiotics for the past 4,5 days
they have made me sooooo crook
i had nausea, headaches, dizzyness, was farking awful
it is going now coz i have finished the nasty ones
i thought they were ment to make you feel better not worser

im hunting for cheap house
up near my boys school
we need our space
its way too cramped here now
i might try housing corp
but they have long lists
which sux
anyhoo
things are looking brighter
as my gum seems healed
man what a shitty time to get crook
thats for sure

crook with tooth abscess
no fun
its getting better as i am on antibiotics
gotta have the tooth pulled out
freaking out about that coz it might break
argh!
but i will be brave
lil sons father is being a prick again
not ringing his boy or seeing him
farking shit
anyway sleep time

finally got my tooth out, took and hour and a half to get the bastard, im still sore, and have got stitches in my gum, i nearly had a freak out while i was there when the dentist said he wanted to cut the gum, it was really hard emotionally, i know every one hates dentists, i don;t really coz i know i am in very safe hands, my dentist is awesome, but it is a huge anxiety trigger for me, i kept feeling like my throat was closing up, but i got thru, didnt freak out, or cry, and now i am healing, so i am very very pleased it over,

im going to look at a house for me and my kids
i am a bit apprehensive about leaving my mums coz it will be much harder financially and i will miss her and my two sisters,
but it needs to be done
i am a adult and i need to be the queen of my castle
and my kids need their own space.
so i hope we manage on our own.[b]

i need to hit someone, not for real ofcoarse, but i was in such a good mood ten minutes ago, and then the ex arrived, wont agree to a aggreement i wrote up for him in regards to time with his son, bastard shit, it wasnt unreasonable, it was fairly standard i thought, oh but has to work and oh his boss wont let him have time off, and oh dear fucking me, what a load of fucking shit![b]

try not let him get to you can you go for legal aid and get help that way