this ones for meeee

still full of gunk from this blimmen flu/cold
my boss isnt too happy i not think
i canna help it laddy

im sure he will cope

my brain been very anxious about letting him down
but i just know
that i not well enuff to be cleaning soot off of walls and windows of burnt houses

it would just make me feel worser

so get over myself i say

my bugs have packed up and moved out!!!
yayayayayayay!!

i am so pleased about that


its jolly cold here tonight tho

but its alllllll good coz i not sick anymoore!!!

i have had the best night ever

i have had a good end of week, i got some stuff seen to with regards to my lil son at school, am just waiting for follow up on that. it really thru me but i am feeling better about it now.
went to the hospital for cervix checkup after having high grade abnormal cells removed last year, that was not plesant at all, and i think it effected my mood for a couple of days, made me very emotional.
i was ment to go to hospital on wed for boob check up too
but was busy at the school
so they rang me and told me not to miss the one they have rebooked for me next week. i am thinking that maybe something is up
coz i have missed appointments b4 and usually you wait another couple of weeks to be seen, they told me it was very important that i make it next week.
so i will make very sure that i get there.
i am fairly certain it is about the results, i already know what they say coz i went and saw my dr, he got a copy of them. but i guess all will be revealed on wednesday.
apart from that, my lil son's dad is still being useless, oh and my lil son needs blood tests to find out why he is getting pins and needles in his feet all the time, im sure its a lack of vit b12, but the dr said if it is that then they will want to know why he isnt absorbing it. any way
i think my meds are helping
so thats a good thing
coz i really could be freaking out
about everything
coz health is my anxiety trigger, well one of them
and i am not too fussed
i am really enjoying work
so thats good.

Hello Mista .... Sounds to me like you're coping really well. Good luck with the hospital appt next week.

Good on YOU! .................. Daze

i am not feeling very good today at all
i feel like i am coming down off something
i thought i was tired so i had a nana nap
but i still feel strange
maybe im anxious?
stupid fecking anxiety changes its form so bloody often i cant tell what is what

i might be thirsty, perhaps
fecked if i know what is going on

im very nervous now
about my app tomorrow
they better not want to cut things
i will be most upset

but as my dear mama pointed out
"do you want to die of breast cancer?"
well no
ofcoarse not
but
i dont want things removed UNLESS its serious
not just coz they don't know

blah
im gunna go make a coffee
and see what that does for the situation in my head

Hi mista ..... I had breast cancer about 12 years ago ... 2 ops, then tamoxifen for 5 years ... all good now. Try not to worry too much - worry is like a rocking chair - takes a lot of energy but gets you nowhere!!!!

Stay cool .............. Daze

thanks daze

all will be revealed tomorrow at my app
im just a worrier by nature

but tomorrow
i will know

alrighty then
i am to go back in 3 months
seems that it would be a good idea to cut the duct out
but, they are not that worried
so thats allllllllll good
if anything changes then i go back sooner
but i know in my heart of hearts that i am fine and dandy
i just have a silly boob
well silly boob
take your sillyness some place else
im all fulled up here!

saw my shrink yesturday
have come up with a plan of attack for my big son
to try and stop him smoking pot
i typed it all up
he has agreed to it
and he has a copy on his bedroom wall as do i

i feel rather whacked today
i feel like i need a rest
its hard work fixing your head
and even harder fixing your childs

my lil cousin, tried to kill herself last week
she needed major surgery
very sad
and mad
but mostly sad
we came very close to loosing her
her dum are boy friend told no one
except for a cryptic text to her brother
fucking bastard
i am really angry that this has happened to her
i wish i could be there for her
but she in another country
i hope she gets some decent help
and stays away from that creep of a man
but alas
i know it will take a while for her to come to her senses
always does

my big son has come in and asked me if he could stop pot on monday
like i am sposed to give him my blessing to keep smoking it til then

i told him no
he has already stopped
so now he has to stay stopped
my god this is hard

oh my god i am sooooo grumpy
i dont know why
i just want a break
from everything and everyone
im tired but not
im hungry but not
im too shitty to talk to anyone
it sucks!!!
bad feeling piss off!!!

I hear ya.
Funny thing is - I actually did it. Got rid of everything and everyone. I now have no job, no hobbies, no friends, no responsibilities.

And guess what? Its just as sucky

lol jaffa

i can imagine so
i am just having my very own pity party
no one else will feel sorry for me so i have to do it myself

hopefully joining the gym today with my son
will lift my mood some
altho i do feel a bit unwell
but
i have to go i have to

well since i joined the gym with my son we have been 4 times
i have been sick for nearly two weeks and its really getting me down
my head is a farking mess
i am angry with myself and the world
i want to go to the gym with my boy and get fit and healthy
i want it to be something we do together
i dont want to fail this time
i am feeling very sorry for myself
and very angry at myself
i know being sick cant be helped
but it feels like such a big set back
coz i had high hopes
i hope next week is better
i hope my head calms down and stops being so bloody critical of me
i hate everything atm
is doing my head in

today i am well again
i went to work yesturday and i think that helped some
u feel so much better
am very glad of that

ive had a pretty good week this week
been mostly out of my head which has been totally awesome

i had four days work yay

i have a situation that i need to sort tho
and i think its gunna be one of those ones where it dont matter what i do
i will still sounds like a bitch

my youngest sons father has been avoiding his son
he hasnt awensered phone calls from me or replied to my texts
he was ment to see his boy this weekend but has gone awol
he still hasnt given our son the birthday present that he has been promising since june
everytime he promises something to my boy and then dosnt follow thru
i have to pick up the pieces
and my son hurts
really hurts

so i think i am going to go for full custody and restrict access all together
i think it might be the kindest thing for my son
at least then he knows where he stands
no coming and going
its just gone

i have been thinking about this alot
there is also the drug issue
so really i am quite right to cut him out completely

but
its easier said than done

was my daughters birthday yesturday, i actually managed to get her present to her on her birthday! i think she liked it
she finally responded to my birthday wishes in the evening
i was starting to think she didnt want to hear from me

god its hard
trying to have a relationship with her
we live so far apart and i have no history in her life
we have no memories
it sux!!

i think i need to go see her
sooner rather than later

my family are coming home today!
i was so jealous when they left to go on thems big trip
but now i just glad they making it home in one piece
i have cleaned the house, mostly, and washed all thems bedding so they get to sleep in freshly made beds

and im about to finish the other lil jobs i want to get done b4 they get here

my big son wants to leave school and finish the school year by correspondence
i reckon its his best chance at getting his level ones
but
i am very worried it will make things worse
in his head
but
i know he simply isnt coping at school
and not learning anything

so i guess it comes down to what i know to be true
and that is
its my judgement call
i have to trust that what ever i decide to do will be best for him

my head is good today
i think its coz i excited about ma and sis coming home

lil son's dad has taken himself out of the picture
bastard has broken my boys heart
my boy hasnt said much about it
i dont think he thinks its for real
but as the weeks go by
thats when its going to really start to hurt
god
i feel for my boy
i really hope he will be ok

i just realsed the enormity of it
and oh my god
it sux!

i will just take each day as it comes
and hope that my good head stays around for a while
so that i can help my boys

but the most fantastic news is, that i almost forgot to mention, is that my big most couragous brave, sensible, wonderful son, passed his drug test!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am so totally and completely proud of him!!!!!!!!

yah mis, as well as feeling proud of your son, you can be proud of you too. The power of love ah..

Hug hugs - awesome news mis

Hey Mis, been thinking of you and am curious how you have got on with the Russ Harris work book. I hope all is going well for you Mis and the counselling is going well.
xoxox

havent been in here for a while
things were going good for a wee bit
my daughter came up to stay
was a complete suprise that she had organised with my sisters
was so totally awesome
but she only stayed a week
i was sad for a couple of days
and then it went away
but i think its why i am now feeling sick
i miss her again
and i know she wont be back for ages
i am confused as to what i should do with my boys
one is learning at home
and the other is in bi-lingual unit
i dont know if i want to leave the lil one in the unit
coz there are issues there with some of the parents
its all drama and there shouldnt be any
my big boy is not doing his studies as often as he should be
i am scared he will slip even more behind
i am tired alll the time
i dont want to work anymore with my boss
he is a dick
who dosnt care about anyone but himself
and stands on other ppls backs to get ahead
i feel unwell alot
and i have had some anxiety
but
then i have brilliantly wonderful days
in the middle of all this yuckyness, i have a random good day
its so odd
i guess i can only do what i can do
i just need to get to the end of this school year
and then decide what to do with my babies
i do need to get my place
i live with way too many ppl
its driving us all mad
anyway i must go to bed
i have a job interview tomorrow
and i really want that job
coz it not with that egg
fuck he's a egg
anyway
nite nite to me, and all those who are out there in this big mad world

still here and still confused
not sure which way to go
which way is best way for me and the boys
wish i had answer
i guess i just have to figure it out for mine self
yup
i just have to work it out
and i will
i know i will
but i scared of making wrong choice again
feck it

hi mis

Lots of decisions, change and not wanting to make wrong choices is a tuff one Mis. I think of you often and hope you are coping. It may be time for munching on raisins ah. How did the interview go?

Aroha