this ones for meeee

I thought i would start a journal in here, for me to see how my moods are doing from day to day.
i am thinking about going back to my shrink.
I have been having some trouble with "getting over" my ex, and yes i know it takes time and all that jazz but, im afraid I may try and reconcile the relationship if i don't get some help.
The past couple of days have been very crappy. I have been feeling very unwell, i am not sure if its a tummy virus or if its IBS.
My belly has been soooo sore and gassy and it really makes me feel awful.
Today i am feeling fluey in my head.
My mum calls it yuppy flu. Its something we depressed ppl get that resembles a cold/flu but isnt either.
I hate feeling unwell as it is one of the main things i get anxious about.
I hoping tomorrow will be betterer.

My big son has gone away to the Raggamuffin concert today. He has going with his mate and his mates mum. I am sure he will be fine and dandy, but i do worrry.
He was diagnosed with depression last year. I thought we kinda beat it with the treatment he was given.
But it seems that maybe not.
I was talking to him about his friend last night (the one he has gone away with today) as this friend lets call him JC, had a psychotic episode during new yr. It was drug induced, pot, and i was talking to my son about staying away from pot.
Our Dr and i think that my sons depression was brought on by him smoking pot, so i have trying to convince my son to stay away from the shit. But after talking to him last night i have found out that he has been smoking it again.
This is a huge worry. i am worried for my son mental health as i know he has my genes and i have suffered from this crappy illness for far too long. So i think i shall be getting my son some therapy.
He said he smokes it to give him more confidence around his mates. I feel bad that he has little self confidence as i know that it is mostly due to his upbringing and me.
I so want better for him. I want his life to be less painful than mine. I feel so guilty for putting him through what i have so far anyway, and now i feel even more guilty because i know that had i been a better mother he may not have ended up with this awful illness lingering over his head.

So there we go. my first ramblings for the day.
I think i shall go back to bed.

p.s

any helpful tips and hints and thoughts or ramblings by ya'll are very very welcome.

'better mother' hmm

1. you listen to your son
2. you can give him advice
3. you worry for him, you care.... so much more i am sure

Your love for your son shines through your journal.

Thankyou Freedom.

I know in my heart that i have done my best with what knowledge i have had.
But the guilt still gets me and plays around in my brain.

I just dont want him to get lost, my big son. i just want him to be happy and safe.
It really hurts knowing that i cant save him from everything.

I finally went to the dr today and got some drugs, i have sinusitis which is why i feel like crap!!
So once they kick in should start feeling more positve about things again.

I was talking to my best mate who is also my cousin, we shall call him F, he lives on the gold coast with his wee family, last year he had testicular cancer and had radiation treatment for it and was given the all clear, he also had one testical removed.
bUT he has been having strange pain again and has just had a scan and some bloods taken, he is off to the dr for the results today. He is freaking out, and i feel awful for him. He said he can feel it that the news is not good, i am hoping its just his brain being mean and that it is just a strained muscle.
He is my sons favourite person also.
So, it just sux!!!
But i will not by into the worst case senario today, because until we know for sure, then there is nothing to worry about. SO there will be no more thinking about that until we know. Alright???? GOod.

my spelling is awful, i know, but.... meh

today is better
my big son should be home soon
i am going to dads for dinner tonight
he cooks us roast lamb every sunday

its fantastic. i think i am a very lucky girl.

i feel like crap today
utta utta crap
have had a nana nap and i still feel like crap

i hate my crappy feeling days
i hate them alot

today is shit again

no money
its getting me down
my guts is playing up too
have started taking the losec again
i hate it
days like this
but on a very good note
my cuz got the all clear
he all good
so that is very very very very good

but i am feeling like crap
so that is crappy

so i went to the dentist
and he say there nothing that he can see wrong wif da toof
tis prolly coz of my sinus inflection
but, i am having trouble taking the antibiotic coz they are making my tum tum so unhappy
so
i stopped taking them
but today i need to start them again
coz having a sore face and head really gets me down
and i feel so tired
i should go back to the dr and say hey
fix me!!!
but the basterds cost so much!!
and coz im broke
i dont wanna go
my bill there is already over 2hundy
ya know what its really not a major
im not stuck under a building after a earthquake
so y is it sooooooo farking hard???
stupid head!

ohh mista,

Sinus infections are crappy to have. That horrid faceache feeling and the fact it makes your teeth and gums sore too probably ain't helping.

Yes your right - your not stuck under rocks or building - but I bet you wish you could crawl in to a cave (aka bed) and stay there for a very, very long time.....

Have you tried steam on your face? Even a hot shower might help uncongest the congested.

Even though you owe $ to the doc's - go and see them - if they can help they will and hey - you might just feel better!!! They might not put you on more drugs, but may be able to prescribe something that help get rid of the symptoms - eg nasal spray that might work on drying up that area? Also if you do have an infection you will need antibotics to get rid of it.

At least visit the chemist and ask for some help.

yip
you are right
i have been to the dr they gave me antibiotics that upset my tum tum
but i am going back tonight with my son
so will chat to them then

my head is better today
i have work tomorrow
so the money thing will get sorted eventually

low days are such a shit

i hope they dont come back again for a while.

I hope the drs give you something to make both your tum and your face and head feel better, sinus infections are super nasty. Im happy that things are looking a bit more up with your head feeling better and having work

I'm glad that you know about your sons depression. The hardest thing for me was telling my parents, and they still don't really understand. At least you understand and he knows your there for him. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship Hes lucky to have you as his mum

aw thanks lil miss haley!

well
i worked on thru,fri,sat, and sunday
i managed to pay some of my bills

i hope there is more work to come

but
i am soooooo tired
and my guts it all silly again
i am sure its anxiety based
it usually is
but i cant make it settle

my lil one (7yrs) is back at school tomorrow
because we moved away from his school i shall have to drive him there and back every day til i get a bus sorted for him
there is the local school over the road from where i live now that he could go to
but i want to keep him at his school as he is learning about his culture and learning to speak te reo
its an awesome opportunity for him

so
my delema is
how do i work and take him to school
now i know in my smart thinking "normal brain" that there is a awnser to this question
but in my anxious brain
all i can see is problems
and i get so anxious for him
i fret

its bad for me
but it stunting him too
my anxiety is preventing him from being an independant lil person
and
i am teaching him how to be anxious!

jesus george, what a ka-fuffle my head is in

so
plan of attack
take him to school
ask the teacher is there are any other kids who travel up from where we are to his school that he could get a lift with
failing that
ask at the office about school buses
failing that
find out about public buses
failing that

get his father too look after him during the week, who is not working atm and lives in the same lil town as the school

altho i think that idea is the least likely to happen

so there is my plan thus far
and thats all i can do for now.
bed time
good night brain
let me sleep tonight please
thanku, thanku very much

i have just been next door (trademe)
and i found myself writing reasonably positive stuff
which is kinda strange
coz i actually feel like bawling my eyes out

its not that im sad
im just really emotional
saw my ex this morning
he has been helping me out with gettitng tyres for my car
he was nice to start off with, i was grumpy but not nasty,
and then he gets all grumpy and nasty
and it really really hurt
i cried all the way home
and still wanna cry

i am tired tho
and so i am going to react to stuff
but i feel like im running around all the time now
trying to work
most of which is spent driving to and from jobs
i worked 3 days this week and it was on 8hours
but i was away from home
way longer than 8 bloody hours
but it will get easier
i know this
i just need to sleep
oh and im getting to the lovely time in the month
where everything goes sideways anyway

so there we go
thats it for today.

i feel rather even today
its nice
quite balanced
lovely

have finally had a day to just sleep
lil son has gone away for the weekend to his nanas wedding
i really needed to catch up
have been running on empty for the past couple of weeks
as my sleeping at night has been awful

but today as hot as it was
i just snoozed
was very nice

today it meh
no particular reason
just is
at least it isnt boohoo tho

so i am here to try and calm myself down
this is why i have this journal
i think
i knew he wouldnt come thru for us
i knew in my heart of hearts he would let us down again
coz he always
does
i feel so let down
and hurt
and angry
but i knew that he would do this
so why am i so suprised?
i guess i thought he may have seen the light
i thought maybe that he would do as he says for a change
because its his baby
his baby that he loves so much
but has little respect for
why i even bother to expect anything
i am not knowing
i am just angry
and hurt
for my boy
and for me!

Hugs mista.. I don't really have anything to add but it sounds like you deserve to be feeling hurt and angry and let down.

So just lots and lots of hugs xx

thankyou for the hugs
means alot
thanku

today started off ok
have been watching alot of greys anatomy
i love it lol

but this arvo i had a big fight with my sis
which makes me feel yucky

its all good now thos
but has left a bad taste in my mouth


i feel a lil unwelll too
but i am pretty sure its all just anxiety based
so will put it on a boat
and watch it float away

tomorrow will be better
always
is
well at least different anyway

well one thing is for sure
i am more well than i originally thought i was
my car is broke
it wont go
have tried all the basic things you try when ya car wont go
in the old days when i was unwell, i would be wanting to scream and rant and beat my car with a iron bar
i would be feeling very defeated
and i would be having th biggest pity party you have ever seen

but for the past week
since my car has been unwell
i have coped very well
i have had to borrow cars off my mum and sister to get my lil son to school
i have had to spend more on gas than i was going to (i filled my car up and now cant use it)
i have had a lil freak and a lil pity party
but
i think i am coping very well
i really need some help to fix it
i cant just take it to a garage and pay them to do it
there isn't enuff money on the trees out that back atm
so
i just have to wait until either my ex or my brother come and have a look
and god only knows when that will be

so
i am coping rather well

well i think so anyway

Hi Mistameenah ..... I often find that it's 'as things happen' I realise I'm handling 'things' quite well - not going into such a downer as a while ago. Not so stressed out. Not having a car is a big one (for me anyway). I do hope you're soon mobile again! Sounds like you're doing really well.

Thats great that your both handling things well!! I know how hard it can be sometimes so its really awesome

PS Mista, I love greys anatomy too!

Thankyou lil miss and daze

i was feeling very calm
but i am now going into my second week without a working car
to be fair i am still NOT screaming and throwing my dummy out of the cot

but
i am starting to get rather frustrated
but
i reckon
that a "normal person" would probably be feeling like this too

so i think i am feeling "normal" lol