this ones for meeee

yea
i been trying for the past year and a half not to let it get to me

its bloody hard work
my lil son wrote him a letter last night telling him how it makes him feel when his dad dont show up or choses other things over being with him

will see if that makes any difference, coz all this time apparently i am the only one with a problem with it.

i havent been on my meds for about two weeks, i came off them slowly over the past year, i just kinda stopped taking all the time, and now i havent had them for two weeks straight. i feel good. i feel a bit scared of my head, like maybe it will wake up one day and be totally nuts, but i feel more energetic and more in charge. i know the meds helped me alot, but i am glad i am no longer needing their help. i think that i managed reasonably well with my lil dramas i have had in the past year, infact i think i prolly managed them as well and anyone would have. my anxiety still tries to take hold, i keep having lil anxious thoughts, but i seem to not buy into them like i used to. i feel pretty good really, which is good.[b]

congratulations!

i did it
i told the shit to leave my sons life for good
not to make contact of any kind
just stay the fuck away
i dont know how to explain it to my boy
but i will find the words
the honest words
my reasons are, i need to write them down lol coz i keep self doubting

there is no consistancy
the house in which he lives in is unsafe
he is an addict

thats the only three things i need really
to base my decision on
my shrink said to me ages ago
is there concern for your sons emotional or physical safety when he goes to his fathers, and i had a good think, and yes there is.

fuck i dont know
i feel awful for my boy
like i have robbed him of something
but
his dad never calls or picks him up when he says he will
my son wrote his dad a very emotional letter telling him how bad it makes him feel when his dad dont turn up
and my son has not had a response
how fucking mean is that
?
the kid thinks his father is mad at him coz of the letter
but i know its coz the father is off getting "out of it" somewhere
what a shit of a man

any way i have made the cut of the ties
not that there was much to cut
but at least the man knows
that i am not letting him
play this mean cruel game with my boy anymore

i gunna go have a coffee

shit
what do i do?
my boy is very upset coz he thinks his dad dosnt want him
fark that bastard!!!!!!

oh mistameenah, i understand. my sons father is like that too, he lives in a pokey mouldy one bedroom flat, is an alocholic and a fuckwit!

yesterday was hs day to pick up our son and he text me well after he was supposed to be here to say he was running way late and that that he wouldnt be here for another hour and a half due to busses. i sent him a reply text back in which i said, i have plans, im aloud plans on this day, you have a bike, get on it and get ur ass here! is reply was.. "if your going to be a bitch, have a nice weekend im not picking him up at all!"

so i tried ringing him and he woudlnt answer his phone, so i sent him another text that said, " fuck you ( i was irrate) your not doing this to our boy"

i dont drive but i got someone to give me a ride and i dropped him off at his dads, i wasnt gonna argue in front of boy so i said, " c u at 5 and not before! well he must of got scared of me cos when he bought him home he didtnt come in just sent him n from the letterbox and he carried on his way.

sorry thats my drama but i know how you feel, ive often thought of telling him to get out of my sons life if he isnt going to be a dad to him. How old is your son? i watched on a movie once where the father wasnt in the picture and the little boy thought the dad didnt love him and the mother tells him, the day you were born, your dad got a box in the mail and thing that he got in the mail made him run, the little boy then asked what was it in the box and the mother repyls, resposibility!'

its such a hard one, im going to think on that more for you and see if i can think of anything you can tell your boy, we dont want your son thinking its because of you that he cant see his dad as that could cause resentment and the blame does lie with the father, but you also need to be careful what you say about him because as much as his fathers hurt him, your boy most likely still loves him very much and we dont want to crush him anymore than he is.

let me think some more onit mistameenah, its early n the morning so my brains not quite up to speed, ill get back to you. hang in there

thankyou nzmum

my boy is 8.
he loves his dad so much, it hurts to watch him miss him so much.
his father is an addict and lives in a house with another addict
so i dont really like him going there
also
he has taken my son with him to partys not major ones but my son felt so uncomfortable that he came home.
i just dont understand it
he was a good enough father while we were together
but now its like he is punishing me by not taking our boy when he says he will
just to stuff up my plans
i dont have plans anyway lol
so its not working
i just am so mad and sad that my boy is gettingupset all the time over a man who dosnt deserve his love
have you seen the movie boy?
my son reminds me of boy

that movie makes me cry every time i watch it

anyway
i shall go and do my motherly duties
and try not to let myself get worked up too much over it

i just want to scream at the man until he sees sense
but
that aint gunna happen.

been a good start to the week
my boy is being very chirpy
so thats good
might have found a house yay!
got told off at work today tho
stupid lil picky things
i personally dont give a shit
i mean i do
but i dont
hopefully i find another job soon
coz that one is doin my head in
seriously

oh but i got a good score on my pre-entry test for my course
so that was a nice supprise
seems im not so silly after all
i

shitty day today
dunno why but my guts has been upset for a couple of days now
and im over it
could not sleep last night
i kept waking up
shit flowing thru my brain
stupid head
not to worry
tomorrow will be better i hope
spent some money on my kids today
i like to buy them clothes and things
it duz my wee heart good to see them all shining and proud of their new threads
just wish i could do it much more often is all
but
at least i got to today
so that be good.

sun is shining and i feel good today
no work til saturday so i dont have to see those bastards again til then
looking for another job
all good here

today there is sunshine
and i think its gunna be a good one
i am positive it will be
its odd not being on my meds now
i have been waiting for the cloud to settle over me
but it hasnt
it did try there for a bit
but i shooed it away
i feel like i have to cope now
with the anxiety
and i seem to be doing ok
i know that i must be better
coz if i were still as bad as i was
there is no way in hell little pep talks to mine self would work
so i must be betterer.[b]

mabye ride it out, the father is being a cunt and is letting your little one down, that is wrong on his part and i know how much you want to heal the hurt of your son but i dunno cutting it off may do more harm than good, it may become you the one he resents for doing so... i wonder if u can ride it out, let him see your son when he does make it and one day your boy will come to realise how his dad is, he will unfortunalty learn that its his dads doing and that you have tried to keep the bond going etc, it will come back to bite his dad on the ass as your son will get to that stage that he knows dad doesnt deliver on his promicies and that is just how dad is. its not ideal but its his reality unfortunaly we cant always stop them from there hurts as much as we want to, its his father that will miss out in the long rong becuase boy wont have that bond there to want to keep that realtionship going if his dad doesnt put in that effort. wish we lived in a perfect world where are childrent didnt have to go thru hruts and wish fathers would take responsibily for the lives they create but unless men get a few more brain cells this may not happen for a while

im sorry for you and the situation you are in, and for your boy but he is lucky ot have an amazing you who loves him dearly

just keep on loving him xox

thanks nzmum
i kinda figured that that was the sensible thing to do, you are right, telling him to fuck off completely is not the way to go, i do have doubts about certain aspects in his life tho, but i dont think he will be seeing the boy enuff for those things to have a huge impact.
so yep i just gunna ride it out
and try not to let it get to me
just let it go
lol
i will try

ok
all good things come to those who wait, and i have been waiting a bloody long time to be sure
so now i have me a whare, for me and my babes

also
my big boy has just today started taking fluox, 10mg to start
i shall be watching him like a hawk because of his age it could turn him suicidal or manic
i really hope it works for him
he seems to be just so stuck in a rut

so there we go
lil sons dad picked him on sunday for the day
so that was nice

so things are gooooooooooood

havent been ere for ages, had real issues getting my internet hooked up
thanks telstra, not!

anyway we are in our new house
which is different
but nice
but different
we are on a farm just outa town
there are moo cows crapping on my lawn and ducks quacking in the pond
i dont feel all that safe or settled
but thats just me

kids seems happy
big son has had GREAT results with his meds
he has had no side effects and seems to be doing soooo much better
i can actually see just how bad he was, now that he is getting better
i am so relieved for him
so glad we took this chance with the meds
big risk
but it has paid off

i am bit fluey atm, and am late with getting my school work started
i have had to ask for extention on my first assignment
which sux
but i refuse to let this get me down
i am going to complete this paper damn it

i went back to the dr for some more meds
thought i might be loosing my mind again, but i havent started taking them yet
its kinda strange but there are some things in my life that i am dealing with way better off the meds
i dont feel depressed, i do feel stressed
i have anxiety, but not about the stuff i used to
i dunno
i gunna see how i go
i shall report back to the dr, and see what he thinks.
well thats me for now
oh lil sons dad is still being a shithead
son made me text him today to ask him to come get him tomorrow
but not reply
why?
coz he is a useless piece of shite
thats why

i was gunna rant today, but i am too tired. i am ment to be doin my assignment right this minute
but im being norty
i know if i dont get it done i will be letting myself down
and showing everyone who thort i would fail that they are right
i dont want to fail
but alas i just cant be bothered
but
i am going to bother
and i am going to stop procrastinating and bloody well get it done
i know my brain can do it
i have a good brain
my mumma gave it me
so i know i can learn the stuff
anyway
enuff dilly dallying
i am off to do my assignment![b][i]

[b]last week was shit
my car wouldnt let me unlock it, so it stayed in the supermarket car park on friday night, then at 4am in the morning i got a phone call from lovely police man telling me my son was picked up drunk driving, he blew 850, which is twice as much as what an adult is allowed let alone a 16 yr old. i had no way of getting to police station to collect him, so he was dropped at my dads, and dad bort him home in morning, the kid was rolling drunk still, and talking absolute drivell, i was so shocked it has only just hit home to me today how bad it is, he could have killed himself, he could have killed many other ppl, i am really not happy about it at alll, he is feeling very stupid and is very sorry, i just hope he never ever does it again, i feel like the worst mother in the world, i was sure i had drilled it into him, to not drink and drive, but obviously i hadn't.

[b]i have a new job, its is 9 til one mon to fri, its perfect hours for me and the kids
but i am worried that my head wont cope
i am already doublting myself and i havent even started
i think it will be a nicer enviroment than where i am now
infact anything is nicer than where i am
they are so horrible
i acutally should be making a complaint about the chef who slapped me on the behind
but
i havent
i will before i leave
coz then i dont have to see him again
but apart from that
i am working in old folks home cleaning
i will have my head down a toilet most of the day
joy!
shit i hope this works out
and i stay sane
stupid head
putting doubt there already
oh but the absolute bonus is
NO WEEKEND WORK!!!!!!!!!
aint that the shit?!
kewlies aye

dear diary lol
i aint been in here for such a long time
my old folks home job fell thru
they werent paying wot they told me they were gunna pay
so i left
coz i actually couldnt afford to go
so i am with out work atm
but i am still studying
which is what i am ment to be doing right now
but i am procrastinating
i dont know why
coz its my last assignment for this paper
if i just put my head down i would get it done
and then i will have passed something!!!!!!!!
imagine that!!!

fuck it stupid head
its almost i am sooooooo close and now i want to pull the plug
sabotage myself again
how crazy is that????
i will do it
i know i will

i just go make a coffee
and DO IT!

JUst had a wee look back on my journal from the begining, and man im glad im not in that head space any more
i seem to be less anxious off my meds
BUT i feel less happy, not misreble but just a bit blah
so
thats interesting is it not?

i have been thinking about going back on them because i was starting to think my depression was coming back
but
now
i am not so sure
i think i will give it a lil more time
im not having anxiety attacks, im not crying all day
i feel fairly even in myself
actually a little more assertive, which is really odd
but
good
so i will keep an eye on myself
and get back to myself on that .

the ok feeling was short lived
seems that i cant last too long with out being on meds
i am ok with that
its just the way it is
better to get it sorted than to go way down into th pit of dispair
i actually got a bit frightened about how bad i really felt

so.....
am back on my meds
am feeling pretty crook
nausea sore head wonky brain, crook guts
cant sleep
its early days day 4
it will get better i know
i wish it didnt have to be so hard is all
i want to get better not feel wersa!
i know it takes time
hurry the fuck up time!

but on a lightner note
i passed my first paper!!!!!!\
how kewl is that???
i actually did it, for real!!!!

been on my meds for a couple of weeks now
the anxiety is there lingering
its annoying
and i feel jumpy, but unable to put the energy to good use
sux!!!
its bothersome
not overwhelming
i am ment to be studying, but i am avoiding it
i dont know why
its so silly really
i feel so uncomfortable not doing it
but seem to find twenty million other things that need doing
i reken i should study til 3pm
then i can feel better about it

big son is seeing a shrink
second session was yesturday
seems ok with it now
wasnt keen at first

lil son is struggling wif father abandoning him
he bit of a mess

i have no idea what to do about that
except tell him that thnigs will get better
but he says his life is awful and nothing will get better

i wish i could fix it.

had a wee breakdown last week that has lasted since then
seems the meds i was on werent doing their job
so now after coming off them
i am on efexor
i hope it works
from what i have read its nasty to come off
i dont think i will be coming off them any time soon, if they work
im starting in a fairly low dose as i dont tolerate meds very well
i really am hoping and praying that this one duz the trick
coz i am sick of this depression bastard visiting me
i am over it!!!!!!!