How do I get back the enjoyment of the little things, that I once enjoyed doing?

Admission time. I 'stole' this question from our TM thread, because I thinks its one of the most important I've seen there in a while.

What works for you?

What do you think you have 'lost' as a result of being ill?

What have you learnt as a result? About yourself, about others, about 'friends'?

What can or do you do, to try to make yourself feel more safe, more able to manage the long hours ahead of you until it's 'tomorrow' at last?

Have you let learned how to like yourself (even a wee bit?).

Do you have trouble accepting compliments?

I will post my replies to these questions later - but it would be a big help if others could share their experiences here too, I think.

Thanks, Pat.

Trademe is a huge help.. both the depression and ptsd threads, and the messageboard in general.. I'm often awake a lot of the night.. and there's always something there to read or to be part of..

I think John Kirwan's advert where he says his Mum said to take notice of the little things.. is very good.. the little things - like a flower, a rainbow, our cat curled up softly sleeping - on the wheatbag I've heated for her!!! things that might seem tiny to others yet are things we can 'notice' that cross our vision for a moment and we NOTICE them..

My garden helps too.. though there's been so much rain for some-time now that it's hard to get out to see it even.. planting new plants or cuttings, and especially vegetable plants is good.. why vegetables? cos it means I have a way to help provide for us when I'm not able to do that by working.. it feels like I am able to contribute something toward our wellbeing..

Right, soul bearing time,

What works for me is blasting my ears with music. It plays a big part in my well being and I don't take nearly enough time to listen to it. I walked into town a couple of days for a psyc appoint and was listening to my mp3, during the appointment I was asked how I felt and I had to say good cos I blasted my ears on the way down.

I really good therapist or councelor is priceless. I don't have much faith in the menatl health system due to my experiences but I have had a couple of counselors and a psychologist who have made me feel safe, comfitable and we made hugh ground.

I have lost a lot due to my mental health issues. Both partners I ahve have let me partly as they had trouble dealing with it. I had a major relapse and ended up in court. As a result I lost my career in Emergency Management and any chance of a career in the public sector. By the time my sentance is completed it will have cost me almost 3 years.

there is not much that makes me feel safe, espically in the dark lonely nights. I sometimes use a soft toy to cuddle up to, lame for a 27 year old.

Sadly I have learnt that you can not relie on people and they will often be found wanting. I have also learnt that just as you think you are well it will come and bite you in the arse again. If things are going well something is just round the corner.

I do not take complements well, I either can't accept them or look for alternative motives.

Sorry this is so long.

Roswell

Thats not too long, mate. This is long!

I understand some of your loss - I lost a senior management career many moons ago over I think, some 17 postage stamps - I'm still a bit unsure what went on, but I was more or less on my way to the bin (Sunnyside)at the time, so it doesn't much matter now.

Accepting compliments can be very hard. As part of my way of trying to accept me, so I could live with me, I wrote myself a letter - and posted it - bloody stamps again, lol. (I paid for these ones, tho).

Minus a wee bit edited cos I can, here it is, for whatever its worth:

10 May 2007
Dear Pat,

How’s it going?

Because I care, I’ve been doing a bit of thinking about you, your life, the past and because you don’t want to, the future. I want you to read and then think on what I’m about to tell you, because when you do, you will see that I am right.

1. Pat, it really is OK to allow yourself to learn to be happy. Lots of others are and there is no reason to think that you are permanently excluded from that state. Unless you don’t want to be and deep down, I don’t think you feel that way. In fact, I know you don’t, from stuff you have told me (and others, recently).

2. Hey, and it’s also OK to feel sad or angry or hurt sometimes. Those are all natural, logical feelings – bring them out when they are appropriate to the situation and once done with them, put them away until they need to come out again.

3. I know I’m pushing my luck with this thought, but mate, it needs to be said. It is OK to allow yourself to see in you, the sorts of qualities others tell you they see in you. It is impossible for them all to be wrong so for a change, go with the majority opinion. You are not all bad and you are not useless or worthless.

4. And work? Don’t sweat over it. What is right for you will turn up, when the time is right. Why not let yourself relax and learn to accept that you need some help, and also that maybe you don’t need to be, I don’t know, an office worker or something with a fancy job title. Maybe, you are supposed to write? Have you really, seriously, considered that? Perhaps, you are getting ready to become emotionally enriched and empowered and by so doing, you are preparing yourself to write crap poems or short stories or the great NZ Novel, or whatever. Maybe you are not, too. That’s always a chance, but sometimes mate, chances have to be taken, to get to where you know you want to be.

5. I’m not sure how to break this to you, but you don’t need to be perfect either! It’s not possible to be, it’s not healthy to try to be and it is a waste of energy that you need to use in other, more useful ways. Try just being Pat. You might even like it.

6. I think that you are probably a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and that you can learn to use that strength to your advantage. Not for other peoples advantage, but for yours, for a change.

We both know that you can ignore what I’ve said here, but we also both know that it would be a real waste of you, if you did. Like the shampoo ad said. ‘It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.’ It will happen.

How do I know this?

Because you are not at a ‘Crossroads’ in the path of your life anymore.

By asking for help, you have already moved beyond the crossroads and taken the first steps down the new road. I can’t tell you with any certainty where it leads to, but I can tell you this – it’s not a road you will regret taking in the long run. It’s not necessarily paved with gold, but then treasure comes in many forms.

Don’t keep looking over your shoulder at what you can leave behind on the journey. It’s not a load you need to carry every step of the way, mate. Drop some of it off – it can always be forwarded on to you if you ever need any of it again – but I don’t think that you do, except as confirmation on how far you have really traveled.

Pat, you are one of the smartest, toughest people I know or have ever met – so start acting like it, mate. Your ability to soak up physical pain is bettered only by your ability to inflict mental anguish on yourself. Doh! See # 3 above and give some thought to # 1, 2, 4, 5, and 6 whilst you are at it.

Anyway Pat, I’ve said my piece for the time being – and you know that I’m certainly smart enough not to be wrong about these things.

Take care and don’t forget to have a ‘Be nice to Pat’ day once in a while – you might even (shock, horror) enjoy yourself.

Cheers,

There ya have it - Pats letter to Pat. I reread it from time to time, to try and reinforce what I suppose I really know, but still have trouble acknowledging about myself.

See, I told ya it was going to be a long post. I'm a man of my word, lol.

Wow Pat, that is awesome.

How did you come to the point where you could write that to yourself? See by my reckoning, you have to at least partially believe in yourself to write something like that - I really don't know that I could do that, certainally nowhere near as well as you did.

You are an inspiration Pat. I wish I could find half the strength you have. You have obviously come such a long way on you journey. Thank you for sharing so much with us.

Now to the questions you ask in post 1.

What works for me?
Not always entirely sure. Sunshine works for me. Being near water helps to soothe me. Flowers, our cats, letting myself get absorbed in a good book, and dare I say it, excercise.

What have I lost as a result of being ill?
Sometimes I don't know what I had anyway - I look back and realise this has been a part of me for most of my life.
I don't seem to have the abilility to trust or love others properly. I don't have alot of faith in the world in general and I don't think that much of myself. I lost me, or did I ever really have me?

What have I learnt about myself, others, friends?
Hmm this is a toughie. That people who haven't suffered these things will never really understand, and that it scares them. If I want to go on I have to rely on myself to do it. That I need places like this to come to - that this is the first place that I have found where I can let my thoughts and feelings out (thanks Pat) - that maybe through this I can move to a new phase.

How do I make myself feel safe etc?
Hmmm, sunshine (if there is any), walking, gym, my crystals, burning incense, being in here.

Have I learnt to like myself (even a wee bit)?
Well that can vary from day to day, even varies several times in the day sometimes.

And yes, I have trouble accepting compliments, but thats ok - i don't get many anyway.

Well LG,
Here's a compliment for you that you will have to accept. Cos if you don't, I'll sulk.

What you wrote, is very real. Very honest. And I enjoyed reading it.

Well done, you and thanks for sharing you, with us. Thats a brave thing to do.

Yep, water soothes me too. I went for a drive in the rain yesterday, just to see my favourite stretch of river. I can't explain why it helps me seeing it, it just does. It calms me, I guess. Crystals are awesome, too. I wish I still had my few. I used to sometimes do readings for a few people with Angel Cards but something told me the time was right to pass that deck onto my daughter, so I did. Another deck will find me when the time is right, no doubt.

Friends? I always push them away, though I must say I'm blessed with two mates I honestly feel I can talk about anything with. And we do - we have some weird conversations, but thats fun in its own way too. I've tried hard at times to push these two away, but fortunately, they don't take any notice when I'm like that. Why I feel I need to 'test' friendships to the point of destruction I still don't understand.

What have I lost? The usual. Being with my daughter, watching her grow into a young woman, supporting her, being married to her mum, real estate, a career (that I actually hated and rarely miss, tho the pay was good). Where I'm now living is my 29th move since 1979. Its my poor cats 9th place.

Have I honestly learnt to like myself? Yeah right. I'm me.

My letter to me was written towards the end of a particularly vicious mauling by The Big Black Dog that went on for months - I didn't think it was going to be survivable. There are times when I reread it and think - yep m8, you're not too bad a bloke all things considered. And then there are times when I think, OK, so 'intellectually' you know these things, so why can't you emotionally? Why am I still dead inside?

I don't know the answers, really. I sorta understand some of the questions, but I don't have any answers. Hour by hour, I survive. I make myself get thru. If physical pain is too much, I reduce the hour by hour survival to half hours. If I can get thru the next half hour, then damn it, I'll manage the next one as well. If mental pain is too much, I tell myself to shut up. Stop thinking like that. Cut it out. Now! And I will read. Book after book, the next picked up the moment one is finished. Anything, to occupy at least part of my brain with something other than me.

And this Message Board - you are the ones who make it a safe place. You, each and every one of you here, give me strength and courage and support. I hope you find that too.

Each day I'm amazed and delighted all over again, that people are finding a sanctuary here - a place where we can question, support, challenge and even disagree - in relative safety and if we need it, anonimity.

The feeling I get when I see the membership has increased by another person or two just humbles me. After my daughter, this place, this sanctuary, is the achievement I am most proud of. But I only had the idea. Its you, the people who use this Message Board in any way you need to, who give it life.

Bless you all. Take care, have a great day, tell yourself you're really an OK sorta person, and smile. I promise, it will feel good.

That's an a-maz-ing letter Pat! Sometimes it's good to 'talk' to the parts of one's self !! I think I've asked before if anyone has got in touch with their 'inner child' ? (probably on the other site). Talking of getting back to enjoying things, I am very fortunate to have my Boxer dog, Molly, to keep me company - she's a funny tart - loves to play (she's taught me to play - we play soccer!) I also really enljoy some TV programmes and settle myself in my chair and feel very content and comfortable. of course, there are other times in the day when i'm not content at all! and really, really angry - but I know what it is all abaout. Doesn't make 'it' any easier to handle at times. The beach is sometimes a good place to be - something to do with the water. And I play Mah Jong which is a great game - I need to find a group where I'm living now. That's it for now .... Daze7

Thanks Pat,

right at the mo, my head is saying take a walk to the beach, another part of it is saying just go outside with a book, and part of me is just saying go back to bed damn it lol.

I feel like I am getting a throat infection again. Seem to be the only time I get sick I get throat infection. And it usually puts me on my a#$ so to speak.

Lucky I am not working at the mo I guess.

What a good question! Surprisingly difficult to answer when feeling down. I will be reading responses with much interest. Pre children I was out and about, walking or going to the beach and it helped a lot. I actually felt I needed solitary time - something I actually miss now I have kids and other commitments.

Hi Paddy, Daze and Lonely Girl. I took my little one for a whistlestop beach visit today - he played with his toys in the sand and I promised myself to enjoy the little things in life. Gardening also helps me - although the state of my garden at the moment is anything but calm. Damn onion weed Still feeling sad today but not despondent so all is good. Have a great evening.

Hiya,
The beach sounds like fun. Reading that made me realise I've not seen the sea for over a year. Living in the centre of the Island does that, I guess. Thats got to go on my 'To Do' list. Thanks.

I've been fairly busy, chemist, library, supermarket and then a tiki tour on my mobility scooter down a few streets I'd not been down before (just cos I could, lol).

I'm sorry you're still feeling sad, Poppy. It sounds like you're on the right track, though, so good on ya. You take care, please and have a good, restful sleep tonight.

Pat.

Thanks for that Pat. I actually live really close to the sea (can see it from home) and hadn't been there for absolutely ages. I'm pleased to see others have a to do list - I hope you get to the sea soon.
Take care and thank you.

Wow Pat - just re-read your letter. Very inspiring. I think sometimes we can be way too hard on ourselves - our own worst critic. Your letter reminds me to look at how far I have come instead of always worrying about how far I've got to go!

I also want to say thanks Pat, this site is helping me to realise that I am not alone and I am reading so much stuff that I feel and I thought no one else understood.

As for the questions. What gives me enjoyment. My Dog. She is the one thing that has given me unconditional love. When I am unwell she just sits and waits and when I am well we walk, play and talk. I've told her all my problems and she doesnt care.
When I think about enjoyment its really more about glimpses away from the constant saddness that I carry with me. No one I know understands it but you guys here might.

What have I lost? Shit my husband, my daughter, my last partner which really eats me up as I still love him but left because I needed to be alone. My lovely big house. But I have gained a lovely little house, my dog and my loneliness. So I guess its not all doom and gloom. Trying to be positive. Losing my daughter is heart breaking. If she knew how many tears I've cried for her would it change the way she thinks of me?

I feel safe in my bed. I have a special blanket that I wrap myself in and I lie there and wait for something? Usually sleep which can be frustrating slow in getting here. I guess a blanket and a soft toy are closely related so dont feel bad Roswell.

As for a compliment what are you supposed to do with them. They just make me uncomfortable and I stand there thinking if they knew what was inside me they wouldnt say that. I can usually discredit or pass it to some one else. Maybe one day I'll just say thanks. Maybe.

I'm starting abuse councelling. Things are going to get better for me. I will re write this in 6 months time and its going to be way different.

Thanks every one for sharing your stuff. Its hard dealing with people who dont get it and just think that you shouldnt feel or think the way you do. They dont get that its not easy to be like this. I can think very logically about my stuff but what I think and what I feel is very confused.

Now I have rambled for to long.

Please keep up all your inspirational writing Pat.

Hi wreckedless, I too have lost a daughter - she chooses not to have contact any more. I have spent years trying to make amends, apologising, explaining and now she's gone - three years now - she has a history of running away and I miss the regular contact we did have. I think I have a degree in unacknowledged, hidden grief. No wonder we have trouble shifting the depression - so much of which (in my case) is grief. I also have a son who I hardly ever hear from - he's had a battle with the drug P. These two adult children live in other countries.

On a brighter note - I too have my dog - Molly the Boxer - she's such a Tart!! Makes me smile a lot ... so that's good.

This site is great - thanks again Pat - little did you know what a help it would be to us all. Cheers, Daze

This is now a bit off topic I guess, but I've had the subject of this thread in my mind since I read it the other week.
All my life I have spent my spare time (when I could) performing in musical theatre shows. After a couple of years break I've gotten back into it, and found that amongst all the anxieties and stress and down patches I deal with, theatre is the one thing that I can always just DO - no matter how I'm feeling.
When my current show opened a couple of weeks ago I felt flat... no excitement, no adrenalin - it was just another day... it was at this time I first read this thread and despaired that I would never get the joy back.
Anywho, getting to the point of this ramble, over the last week and a half my mojo has come back - shows are fun again, everyone is clapping for me (of course!) and I'm enjoying myself.
For me the turning point was realising I was blimmin lucky to be ABLE to do shows - mentally, physically and emotionally. I've pulled myself back to return to what I enjoy. To perform (for me anyway) isn't a big deal - its as natural to me as breathing. Performing is my little thing that I lost and found again.
There will always be days when it all stinks and I want everything to go away, and I'm not good enough for anything, but then there are the brief fleeting moments when I smile and sing and its all ok... just for a moment.
I guess I'm trying to say to anyone reading please hang in there. I've seen the bottom of some deep holes and am pretty sure I'll get there again. VERY little is working in my life but I've managed to gain back one glimmer of hope - long may it last.
(Apologies if I sound preachy! this has been bouncing in my head for days! and its late and I've just come back from a performance so feeling a bit enthusiastic)

Wow, its really great to read about things like this, so well done and thanks for sharing with us.

And no, you don't sound preachy, but I'm sorry the title of the thread has been haunting or taunting you.

I can't even imagine what it might be like to have the confidence (far less any ability) to perform like that; I'm in awe of that ability. So come on, tell us more; what are production are you in, and where? You can't leave us hanging like that, its not fair, lol.

Your positive attitude really shines through, as does your obvious love of the stage. I'd say you deserved every bit of that applause, too.
Take care,
Pat.

Hi kiwimel, How great to read of your love and enjoyment of theatre. Sooooo good to have something that has the power to 'take you out of yourself' ... the down self ... that is. So it's true what they say ... 'follow you bliss' ... whatever that may be! Good on you.

Thanks! I'm doing the Sound of Music in Wellington at the moment - all finishes up this weekend so I get spare time back - hmmm!!
The thread title wasn't haunting as such but it rang a bell and had me thinking... "hmm not enjoying anything really that's not a good sign - must work on stuff..."
I can't explain how I can be too anxious to make a phone call - any phone call - yet I can bound out in front of 1200 people without a qualm! go figure... long as it works I ain't complaining!
so glad to have found this site as it helps me realise I'm not out there on my own - thanks to you all!!

I was thinking about this today when I was out in my garden (which is starting to take shape) and for me I need to remember to NOT compare myself to others all the time. (Major inferiority complex here for as long as I can remember). I want to participate in life and stop being on the sidelines (due to fear) so that's what I am doing, or trying to do - do a little bit more each day and to DO things. I started studying again this year and in the past if I didn't get straight A's or my work wasn't up to my standard I would agonise over it and do it and redo it often getting behind with other things. Now I just give it my best, hand it in, and move on to the next thing. And I am just loving my course as I am not putting extra pressure on myself. I still look at others work and think WOW and feel inferior but I just swallow those feelings and get on with it - it's great. I still get anxious but it's not actually stopping me now. Yay! Still have those terrible sad days but I am not letting them have so much power over my life. I don't think I'm up to stepping out in front of 1200 people kiwimel! Good on you! Sorry for the long post but felt compelled to share.

I know what you mean about angoiseing over not getting stright A's. I was really down on myself over a project I got 99% on. I was so pissed I did not get 100% on it.