Re: JK - my space.

by Guest Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:13 am

Hey JK, take care of your self first and do what is right by you.

Be true to yourself.

by Guest Mon Sep 14, 2009 4:21 pm

I've decided this place is not for me.
Take care everybody.

JK.

by daze7 Tue Sep 15, 2009 11:25 am

Hi Jk ..... Sorry to see you go .... take good care of yourself ......

Daze

by Guest Tue Sep 15, 2009 7:15 pm

OK JK that's your choice.

Remember you are welcome back if you need to come back.

Take Care

Best Wishes

Mylife

by greasemonkey Wed Sep 16, 2009 12:30 am

Guest wrote:I have been thinking a lot recently about my involvement with this website.

I think its fair to say I've been one of the more active members of this website - prior to throwing a huffy and deleting my account I think I was the top 6th poster around here.

I wonder now if I have involved myself too much. Sometimes its good just to step back. Because I am a rescuer. I want to be able to help every single person out there that is struggling with depression, but I dont think the way i was doing that was right.

Yes I enjoy chatting to others here and lending an ear when I can, but ultimately doing that ALL THE TIME does get myself down. There is a big frustrating conflict between wanting to be there for others, wanting to solve their problems for them, but not being able to.

I think I need to realise and accept that its not necessary for me to be on this message board all the time. Its not necessary for me to follow every single thread.

My parents pointed out today that if I become too widely known as 'that sensitive, compassionate depressed guy that understands and gets it', everybody will want to dump their problems on me.

Perhaps it is time to rebuild my image? Perhaps its ok just to have a couple of friends on here and not to feel like i have to save everybody?

I love that people on this site say that it should be used in whatever way works for you. I guess I'm trying to figure out what that way is.

JK.
P.S. Arrived in Gisborne yesterday and am enjoying my holiday

A BRILLIANT REALISATION JK

without this honesty you exhibit so freely
you would stagnate.
After a short while, after the cementing of conciousness in your formative mind, you will return,
as You now-know something-super
which no-one will be able to shake-off,
Transparency!

You will always be welcomed back.
Doors will open to you which ever way you choose to turn.
Happy travelling JK

Idea

by Guest Sun Nov 22, 2009 12:18 pm

I just thought I'd mention I am doing really well lately. University is over - finished forever. I'm getting heaps of work in my caregiving job (not excactly my career ambition but good for the moment). I have a good friend moving in with me soon. The sun is shining a lot. I'm getting out and being sociable. Lots of people are hitting on me recently! lol, so I'm feeling attractive, and friendly.

Everything just seems to be really good. =]

by Guest Sun Nov 22, 2009 8:09 pm

Good for you JK!! sunny

by greasemonkey Mon Nov 23, 2009 7:07 am

JK wrote:I just thought I'd mention I am doing really well lately. University is over - finished forever. I'm getting heaps of work in my caregiving job (not excactly my career ambition but good for the moment). I have a good friend moving in with me soon. The sun is shining a lot. I'm getting out and being sociable. Lots of people are hitting on me recently! lol, so I'm feeling attractive, and friendly.

Everything just seems to be really good. =]

Just comming OUT
was what did it.

Fantastic.

I have spent the last few days out
and am full of juice!

by jaffakiwi Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:44 am

Am back in a dark place now. There are people around me but I'd rather just hide away from them. Stop asking me questions. Stop trying to involve me in the conversation - its too much effort for me. I'm happy to just blend into the background.

Don't ask me whats wrong - I hate when the conversations about me. Yes I'm unhappy, but no you can't fix it so just change the subject - talk about someone else.

I hope these new drugs kick in soon. I wanna be a participator in life, not just an observer. but thats all I can handle for now.

by jaffakiwi Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:30 pm

I'm in a better space these days. Since coming home from Australia I have put serious effort into losing weight.... 4kg so far - thats pretty cool.

by jaffakiwi Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:31 pm

Got this cool little signature now.

by Guest Thu Apr 22, 2010 7:22 pm

CHOICE!

GO you JK - love the visual incentive to lose weight cheers

by daze7 Thu Apr 22, 2010 9:40 pm

Good on you JK .... losing weight can be soooo difficult! Your exercise bike reminds me I need to use mine more ......... Lol

Daze

by jaffakiwi Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:49 pm

I have a couple of job interviews this week, which is exciting. There are a couple of obstacles in that my depression has interfered with my performance in previous jobs... but I hope that doesn't come up and people will see who I am now.

by Guest Sat Apr 24, 2010 12:27 am

Yah JK

Good luck with the interviews cheers

I hope it all goes well.

flower

by daze7 Sat Apr 24, 2010 7:28 am

Good luck at the interviews JK ... you deserve a job you enjoy .... look for the 80/20 thing ....... 80% good and satisfying .... 20% ho hum!

Daze

by jaffakiwi Tue May 25, 2010 11:19 pm

I'm not doing so good Sad

hugs to all you TBBD'ers

by Guest Wed May 26, 2010 3:05 am

hugs right back at ya..
whats up?

by Guest Wed May 26, 2010 3:14 am

Hi JK

Sheez that makes two of us... It could have something to do with the weather.....maybe ... BIG Hugs JK sunny

by daze7 Wed May 26, 2010 3:43 am

Hello Jk ..... Sorry to hear you're not so good - you'd been quite good and sounding 'up' .... Is there anything we can do? Depression is sometimes '2 steps forward and 1 step back' .... Hugs for you.

Daze

by Guest Wed May 26, 2010 5:13 am

Hey JK,
I just read your journal, thanks for writing it and for pposting on my thread when I first joined. I could have written a lot of your posts, it's so surprisingly that we feel so isolated a lot of the time but we are all really similar.
I hope you feel better soon, let me know if you want to chat
Pink

by jaffakiwi Wed May 26, 2010 2:01 pm

Thanks guys. I'm just feeling a lot of apathy lately. That life is too hard - it takes too much effort and for too little gain.

If I could live in my bed recently I probably would. and some days I do.

Yeah I've posted some happy threads recently - but I feel that being positive takes ENERGY, and sometimes I just don't have the energy. I feel likes it unnatural, and false, to be 'trying to be something I'm not'.

And when I feel apathetic like this I just ask 'why bother'. Why not show the real world what you really are.... a grumpy, miserable and uninteresting person that can't handle the real world. *sigh*

by jaffakiwi Sat Jun 12, 2010 4:24 am

I feel that life has no purpose.
I feel that I’m existing, yet I don’t really care if I continue to exist or not.
I feel that my own existence is futile. I feel I do not cause any impact in other’s lives, neither positively nor negatively.
I feel I am content to observe others living and enjoying their lives.
I feel too apathetic to put any effort into improving or enjoying my own life. I do not want to work, I will simply go without.
I feel I will keep existing for as long as the society I was born into continues to fund my existence.
I feel scared of death. I continue to exist because of this.
I feel that I would like someone or something to give my life meaning, but I don’t think it will ever happen.

I don’t feel depressed. I feel apathy and futility.

(from my personal journal)

by Guest Sat Jun 12, 2010 7:28 am

jaffakiwi wrote:I feel that life has no purpose.
I feel that I’m existing, yet I don’t really care if I continue to exist or not.
I feel that my own existence is futile. I feel I do not cause any impact in other’s lives, neither positively nor negatively.
I feel I am content to observe others living and enjoying their lives.
I feel too apathetic to put any effort into improving or enjoying my own life. I do not want to work, I will simply go without.
I feel I will keep existing for as long as the society I was born into continues to fund my existence.
I feel scared of death. I continue to exist because of this.
I feel that I would like someone or something to give my life meaning, but I don’t think it will ever happen.
I don’t feel depressed. I feel apathy and futility. (from my personal journal)

snap! Sucks, doesn't it!

by jaffakiwi Wed Jun 23, 2010 9:29 pm

Just wanted to post that for some weird reason, for the first time in a long time, I feel good.

I don't know what's caused it. I don't know when it will stop. But i haven't felt so good, like the clouds have lifted, for a long time.

I stopped my meds about a month ago now. Interesting.

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