JK - my space.

I have good news and bad news. Yesterday I had what was probably the most beneficial counselling session I'd ever had. My father came with me to my counselling session, which is pretty huge. He has never understood the reasons for my depression, and I think this is a huge step forward both for him to help me, for my counsellor to see deeper insight into how i became the way I am, and for me to have a better understanding of the views I need to challenge within myself to move forward.

The bad news is that ACC declined my sensitive claim. It seems this national government are trying to cut costs left right and center from all their government departments and that for some reason (which my counsellor won't fully explain to me because she thinks it will upset me) they believe I am not entitled to counselling! My counsellor says she very strongly disagrees with their reasoning and that she is going to fight on my behalf and "take this as far as [she] has to". Apparently part of their terrible reasoning is that i was already homosexual prior to sexual experiences when I was 7, and that being sexually active at that age has not had an impact on my mental health!

Its unfortunate that just when the people close to me are beginning to understand give me the support i need, I get this bad news about a government that apparently doesn't care. My counsellor has said that until its sorted out, our sessions have to stop (I haven't paid her a cent so far because she was so sure my claim would be approved). But stuff that, these sessions are so valuable and important to me I will pay for them myself somehow if I have to. I now have to explore getting a disability allowance.

Sigh. and Yay.
JK.

&

Hi JK ...... that's so great your Da went with you.

As for ACC - well - what can I say. Would such a decision be made if one of the policy makers, or a child of one, had been sexually abused when young???? One wonders. There is blatant discrimination in the decision - fight it all the way, with your counsellor. Sooooo many people who have mental health issues, as adults or teenagers, have been sexually abused as children. Depression is epidemic among survivors. We need all the support we can get.

Hugs for you, Daze

hear hear daze,

So I got a call from mum tonight. She’s getting married. To some guy she’s known less than two months. Oh joy. My mum suffers from bipolar disorder, so when she is low, she’s very low but when she is high, she’s compulsive and nothing stops her. In the past she has gone out on shopping sprees, and come home only to regret everything a couple of days later, realising she can’t afford any of it.

I hope that now is not one of those moments. When she rings its nice to hear her happy, cos more often than not she isn’t, but its impossible to share any concerns with her cos all she wants to hear are the positives. She doesn’t wanna hear ‘Isn’t it too soon?” or “Have you thought this through?”. No, I was told I worry too much. Well thats fine, but its often me you come to after making these silly mistakes, and is it really appropriate for me to say “I told you so” when you are bawling your eyes out?

So yeah, I had a mum that left me when I was young, and is often mentally unstable. An emotionless dad that remarried someone that cared a bunch for her own kids and nothing for me. Is it any wonder I’m so fucking messed up?

Now I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed

Hello JK, I'm not surprised you've been feeling overwhelmed - hope you're feeling better this morning.

I can only tell you some of the things that have been said to me. Can you 'step back' from your Mum - it doesn't mean you don't care - but to keep yourself from becoming too enmeshed in her decisions.

Sometimes the 'roles' get reversed (Mother/Child) ... I'd certainly be talking to your counsellor about the situation, if you're seeing her soon.

Hugs for you JK ..... Daze

Thanks Daze, I was hoping somebody would reply.

I think I do need to do that. Its just hard - ever since I was young I craved a normal relationship with the mother who abandoned me... and I think growing up its been hard for me to accept that its never gonna happen

Its interesting how the roles get reversed eh? and I dont feel very comfortable with that. Sigh, I guess its good we live far apart. I can keep my distance without offending her.

Hi there Geoff, I have been thinking carefully about how to reply as I read the start of this posting only in the early hours of this morning. Personally I think Daze's advice is pretty much all you can do. I do understand, my mum was bipolar and had two children from her second marriage. Guess who had to be 'mum' not only to the two babies who were 13 months apart in age, but also my mother and cook for my stepfather. I am not trying to make this about me but just trying to point out that I truely come from a point of understanding. My mum is dead now and our relationship never reversed into the type you crave from your mum so I have no advice on how to make it happen or even how to accept that it maybe it never will. Whatever life has thrown at you, you appear to be an exceptional young man. Well educated, articulate and brave neough to share your feelings. It has taken me nearly 60 years to get to where you are already at. Huge hugs to you.

Most of you are aware that there have been a few dramas around here and I am still tossing up between whether I should delete my membership or not. It really is a tough call because this place has really come to feel like a second family to me and I have met so many kind souls here.

But I have a few strong beliefs and a big part of my journey towards beating depression has been learning to be assertive, and learning to disassociate with things that make me unhappy. Some might suspect that I am being stubborn, and I think I even I agree with that, but I also take pride in the fact that I stand up for what I believe in.

Recently I have become very dissapointed with the administrator of this site. Yep Paddy, I'm afraid that means you. I have 3 gripes with you and I hope you will listen, not because I want to have a go at you, but so hopefully you can avoid situations like this happening again.

Firstly, you need to be able to seperate your personal life from your role as "Manager" here. Whether you believe it or not Paddy, I have spoken to others here and everyone (bar one) agrees you HAVE overreacted. You have let your own personal issues cloud your better judgement. There are 2 things I regret here recently, the joke I made that upset you, and mentioning another memebers private address in the chatroom. Face it, the latter was a much bigger mistake but that hardly phased you. No, it wasn't until you personally were upset by something I said that you overreacted and went schizo. Not cool, and not professional.

The second thing I object to is your "I'm the boss around here and its my way or the highway - you might not like it and if you dont bugger off" attitude. It is dictitorial, and in my opinion, you have too much faith in your own judgement (see previous paragraph!). I strongly recommend you bring others into your moderating circle, and a private forum where they can discuss issues. You have clearly demonstrated your inability to moderate alone.

Finally, I object to your censorship here. On multiple occasions I have seen you lock threads simply because you didn't like what was being said. It really seems like your on a power trip Paddy, and need to come down off your high horse.

To the general membership here (everyone except the dictator), I am slightly disappointed in you too. Because you fail to be heard. I know many of you disapproved of the way Paddy handled that situation but nobody stepped up. I realise we all have our own issues, that we dont want drama, that you dont wanna get involved, that you dont like to rock the boat... I just feel disappointed that I'm the only one to stand up for what I believe in.

Is there any way for these issues to be addressed without me leaving the site? I'm not sure... I think Paddy has shown he's pretty stubborn and I guess I am too.

I am sad to go as I feel I have become a big part of the family here. I have helped shape this forum into what it has become. If any members want to stay in touch with me, there is an option on my profile to contact me via email.

Paddy, I ask that you keep this message intact and my membership enabled long enough for other members to read it and be able to contact me. I sincerely wish all the members here well in their journeys and their fight against the big black dog.

Regards,
Geoff (jaffakiwi)

I am feeling very suicidal.
I wont do it but I hate my life so much... I dont know what to do.
Who cares though right? I've burnt my bridges here......

fuck it. fuck it all.

Hi JK, how did your lunch with Roswell go? Sorry you feel so bad today, catch up soon I hope. Old bridges aren't so bad to burn now and again we can always build new ones going to the same place. Even the harbour bridge is getting a bit old anc creaky but where would we be without access to the north shore?

Morning Jaffa, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to responsed to your post, but feel that I need to.
I am sorry that you are feeling as you do, but strongly feel I need to add my 2cents worth.
Clearly there was a problem with chat the other evening and people have been upset. You have your opinion and others have theirs. I would like to say I think Pat does a wonderful job. No matter how you feel, someone has to be boss and from what I have seen and experienced here on TBBD, he has done a pretty good job,. This site has been brought about, due to a hell of a lot of hard work by Pat, because he cares, so lets not forget that.
Lets also not get caught up in this rubbish of whos right and whos wrong. There is so much more happening around this place, just incase you haven't noticed, its not all about you, about me or even Pat, its about getting and giving support to those who really need it and if you have alook around guys, your energy and wisdom could be better used.
Jaffa I want to offer you support, as I do others, but please, if you are going to stay, can we move on and support not attack.
I for one, want this to be a safe, careing enviroment, please lets try and keep it that way. Hugs to everyone.

I really second all of that peter pam - lets just move on please?

And keep this a safe and caring environment,

Best wishes to all.

I would like to sincerely apologise to all for my behaviour the past two weeks. I don't want to make any excuse - my behaviour has been unacceptable.

This is an important website to me, and I really regret that I have offended some people.

Paddy, if you will have me back, I accept your rules, the fact that you make the rules, and the 'probationary' period you have imposed on me. Could you please delete the posts that I've made in the last few days? Both in this thread, and the 'open letter' thread.

I do want the best for this site, and the people here.
Please forgive me.
JK

I can't speak for anyone else but a HUGE welcome back from me.

Welcome back JK,

see you one chat soon?

Good on you JK - good to see you! ......... Daze

Well done JK, welcome back

welcome back JK!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you...you have just slipped a sunny spot into my day by returning to us...and I can use every sunny spot I can get right now...thank you

Thank you guys, I really appreciate the love and fuzzies.

I am being well looked after by the Student Wellbeing Co-ordinator at my university. She is calling me every day that I dont go in to see her. She has spoken to my lecturers regarding flexibility with assignment deadlines.

This weekend I am going back home to Gisborne, just to get away, forgot my troubles and look after me for a bit.

I feel optomistic about the near future.

Thanks,
JK.

Hi JK, sounds as if things are on an up. Really good to hear.

Enjoy your little break JK - a very good thing to do ......... Daze

I have been thinking a lot recently about my involvement with this website.

I think its fair to say I've been one of the more active members of this website - prior to throwing a huffy and deleting my account I think I was the top 6th poster around here.

I wonder now if I have involved myself too much. Sometimes its good just to step back. Because I am a rescuer. I want to be able to help every single person out there that is struggling with depression, but I dont think the way i was doing that was right.

Yes I enjoy chatting to others here and lending an ear when I can, but ultimately doing that ALL THE TIME does get myself down. There is a big frustrating conflict between wanting to be there for others, wanting to solve their problems for them, but not being able to.

I think I need to realise and accept that its not necessary for me to be on this message board all the time. Its not necessary for me to follow every single thread.

My parents pointed out today that if I become too widely known as 'that sensitive, compassionate depressed guy that understands and gets it', everybody will want to dump their problems on me.

Perhaps it is time to rebuild my image? Perhaps its ok just to have a couple of friends on here and not to feel like i have to save everybody?

I love that people on this site say that it should be used in whatever way works for you. I guess I'm trying to figure out what that way is.

JK.
P.S. Arrived in Gisborne yesterday and am enjoying my holiday

Morning Jaffa,
I think its about having a good balance. When something or someone is zapping all your energy, then is time to rethink where best to use your energy. If you feel you are spending too much time here, maybe just step away a little, doesn't mean you have to leave, it just means you are giving yourself some time. I think you would find that most people here post and support when they are able to, when they are in a good space, so no, it is not nessessary to save everyone else, when you need the time to save yourself.

Hello Jaffa, I think it is good that you're questioning yourself re this site - when you're 'scripted' as a caretaker/rescuer it's hard not to want to 'fix the world' and the people in it! It can feel quite 'selfish' to take care of yourself first - it can be done by just stopping and thinking 'is this best for me or am I putting someone else first'. Using available energy is fine - just too much given to others can leave one feeling depleted.

Enjoy your break - and I hope the weather is fine!

Daze