I'm new but this illness is so old

I was diagnosed with Bi polar about a year ago. I know I've had this horrible feeling emotionally since I was very young. I gave birth in 2003 to my first son and as overwhelming it is to hear your first child cry and become crazy in love with his father the sense of 'I may lose them both' rang in my head. The baby blues were hard and fast and they stuck around longer than the self help books suggested. I was violent and quite crazy I had no self control whatsoever the father of my chi,dren left me numerous times over the years and immediately sought legal advice to take the kids from me it and the crazier I got the more I sat in the family court and tried to explain myself and my unusual episodes It was ridiculous I'm so angry at myself for being such an idiot. My 1st huge episode was when my partner and the father of my children left me for another woman. The emotional feelings became physical It hurt just to move or speak it felt like I had 3rd degree burns my mother was such a trooper and she weathered my storm for me she took care of the bills, cleaning, cooking,negotiations with access to the kids everything!! Everything! Over the last three or four years i've had this on/off again relationship with the father of my children. Its a temporary relief to the loss iv suffered but then the trust issues return and we can never get past 3 mths without some horrific episode from me. He's never made the effort to understand my illness so I've never tried to explain it either and if I did he seems uninterested. I've been in and out of hospital for suicide Attempts and once I'm on a good path with medication and therapy I allow him back in my life and then it all starts again. If I meet someone he'll call me about meeting up and I fall right back into it leaving broken hearts everywhere knowing very well I could either end up suicidal, heavily medicated alone and regretful or something really bad!. Well I'm having another one of those times again I keep thinking if I cut all contact with him I can at least begin to rebuild a life for myself! So today I snapped my sim card I felt a bit of relief from the emotional turmoil going on inside me i've snapped a total of 12 sim cards in my life. I'm unreliable at therapy appointments and bad with asking for help they must be really getting sick of seeing my face :-/. And I'm incredibly vain which means the medication that gave me acne and weight gain was discontinued. HELP PLEASE I'm still a mess!!

Hi Overbeingblue

welcome to the group. i'm sorry that you've been through such a rough patch. please know that we're all here to listen, guide and share. we can't do much more 'helping' than that but we're all here to listen and be on your side when you have none.

if you ever wanna chat, unload or whatever feel free to post or send me a private message.

x

I need to know what steps people have taken and medication anyone has been on or can recommend that I don't gain weight or get acne! And does anyone know a proper psychotherapist that I could contact someone that is cheaper than $90 p/hr thanks xox