Has anyone else lost friends during the time of their illness?

... because those friends haven't been able to handle the changes that happen because of the illness?

I watch that mental illness TV advert with Aubrey - where he's doing some things with friends - they come around to take him out - fishing/surfing?? or something like that outside.. It hurts a bit in some ways because I don't have that, when I've been that for quite a number of people, some of whom have stopped contacting me. I've even had keys hidden outside in a shed so they would know they could come in at any time of the day or night, including when I'm not home. I've travelled out of town to be there with friends when hard stuff is happening for them. My phone is on at all times so they can reach me, no matter what.

I've found that people shy away from asking even simple things like how I am.. they tend to say - it's good to see you looking good/better/happy/etc.. it seems like because they don't want to deal with how I am, that telling me how I'm looking/feeling is a way to step around it.

Yet it feels like they've not actually registered that I'm not good, or not coping.. that things aren't easy.. each time it feels like a loss. One friend, a nurse, heard me talk with her about some stuff early last year when she visited, said she hadn't realised I wasn't well (she knew I'd been off work with health problems nearly 8 years by then) and that she would keep in touch more. I didn't hear from her for nearly a year.

I guess if people tell me how I am, etc.. they don't have to risk me saying, well, I'm not too good, things are hard... and when they tell me how I am, it's like they want to believe that because that's the 'safest' thing for them to do.. so they won't get to hear or bother with what's really happening.

A few years ago, my health made remembering even anything basic like cooking, house cleaning, etc..etc.. I was assessed and allocated 5 3/4 hours of home help a week - and in the almost three years the lady was helping me, she taught me to do those things again. I still have trouble at times, and use lists to help me remember. There were times through that time that I would have loved someone to arrive with something cooked for dinner for us, things like that... it would be lovely still for that to happen. It hasn't happened though - and maybe because I once was known as someone who found cooking easy and was creative and known for my cooking, it seems like people just don't seem to think I might have difficulty with things like that..

I'm struggling a bit, and feeling like this and alone doesn't help.

Has anyone else had anything like this happen?

Hi Books, hugs hun. I'm sorry, I dont know what to say other than I have read your post and feel for you. Take care.

Books4NZ wrote:... because those friends haven't been able to handle the changes that happen because of the illness?

I watch that mental illness TV advert with Aubrey - where he's doing some things with friends - they come around to take him out - fishing/surfing?? or something like that outside.. It hurts a bit in some ways because I don't have that, when I've been that for quite a number of people, some of whom have stopped contacting me. I've even had keys hidden outside in a shed so they would know they could come in at any time of the day or night, including when I'm not home. I've travelled out of town to be there with friends when hard stuff is happening for them. My phone is on at all times so they can reach me, no matter what.

I've found that people shy away from asking even simple things like how I am.. they tend to say - it's good to see you looking good/better/happy/etc.. it seems like because they don't want to deal with how I am, that telling me how I'm looking/feeling is a way to step around it.

Yet it feels like they've not actually registered that I'm not good, or not coping.. that things aren't easy.. each time it feels like a loss. One friend, a nurse, heard me talk with her about some stuff early last year when she visited, said she hadn't realised I wasn't well (she knew I'd been off work with health problems nearly 8 years by then) and that she would keep in touch more. I didn't hear from her for nearly a year.

I guess if people tell me how I am, etc.. they don't have to risk me saying, well, I'm not too good, things are hard... and when they tell me how I am, it's like they want to believe that because that's the 'safest' thing for them to do.. so they won't get to hear or bother with what's really happening.

A few years ago, my health made remembering even anything basic like cooking, house cleaning, etc..etc.. I was assessed and allocated 5 3/4 hours of home help a week - and in the almost three years the lady was helping me, she taught me to do those things again. I still have trouble at times, and use lists to help me remember. There were times through that time that I would have loved someone to arrive with something cooked for dinner for us, things like that... it would be lovely still for that to happen. It hasn't happened though - and maybe because I once was known as someone who found cooking easy and was creative and known for my cooking, it seems like people just don't seem to think I might have difficulty with things like that..

I'm struggling a bit, and feeling like this and alone doesn't help.

Has anyone else had anything like this happen?

IT IS NORMAL to loose the friends who are using you for your natural giving nature Books,
especially when you are LOW and unable to support yourself.

Depression gives us space,
away from these so called friends,
who feed off the living inlieu of taking from their Own Sourse.

Not everyone has concious-access to where they're comming from.
Not everone is aware!
Some folk suffer basic Ignorance, Ignorance in the most Densest-Sence.
No light emerges from them,it is as though theyre the walking dead.
Blacker than Black is the colour;all absorbing.

Still they have a Place here in the world;they help us along our way, never to to fall prey to sleep.
One has to be vigilant upon their Path
as POTHOLES are many!

love

Yes I have definatly found I have lost friends due to my mental illness. It is hard to keep friends when sometimes you are feeling so bad you cant stick to a commitment or miss events or leave early etc. Fortunatly, I do have on very understanding friend who sticks by me and I also have my partner. I do wish I had more friends though but im also quite shy so find it hard.

Not many of my friends know I have depression - some probably wonder why I haven't worked properly for a few years! They don't live with me.

One friend that I'd had since high school - and kept in touch with regularly - christmas cards, phone calls etc - well, I was talking to her one day and I burst into tears. The phone calls and christmas cards stopped after that, so I guess I lost her!

I have two 'ex-sisters' and I met a woman who had three brothers - she had a dreamy look on her face and said 'It must be wonderful to have two sisters' - I said 'mmmm ... No, not really' - I had told both my sisters that I had depression but it went 'right over their heads' - no such thing as: are you alright - is there anything we can do for you - do you need support? So they're definitely not friends either!

In fact, I lost most of my family when I had treatment for depression - my parents were no use, sisters, nieces, nephews. My two older children are not supportive (haven't heard from one for 4 years and the other for 1 year) and my younger son and his wife (who is a nurse!) don't mention it either - the thing that can dominate part of my day everyday! Luckily my husband is very helpful and supportive but has, at times, found the lack of support (for him) difficult. However, I have sort of learned not to need most of the people who were supposed to be close.

So, yes I've 'lost' friends ... ignorance is still strong out there and the stigma remains with quite a lot of the general public.

TBBD is great and I feel we have a 'family' here, thanks to Pat and all the other members!

Daze

Hi books, it can be so hard, can't it. I lost my best friend about four years ago, but she also had depression. She cut everyone of our old group of friends off. She said that she didn't want to talk to anyone at that time and if any of us were still there waiting for her when she was better she would contact us again. I wrote to her every week for a year or two just to keep contact but she never replied to them. I never forgot her or her childrens birthdays. She just moved on, new friends, parties etc, I don't know where her depression went to but she seemed ok to me.
I heard from her once or twice but only because one of her daughters was friends with my nieces son and the kids all went on holiday with my brother and sister in law. She was very polite, not like the person I remembered. That was it she didn't even acknowledge it when my brother in law and a mutual friend of ours had died, never came to the funerals, she just didn't care. Even as hard as I find getting through each day, i would never just throw my friends away. I think she change because I had gotten sick myself and didn't want to be around me.

i would never just throw my friends away

I never thought I would just throw my friends away too,.. but I think this 'disease' could for a couple.

Ah well, they were never friends in the first place then ay?

Did you throw them away or did they leave? I was always there for my friends some have left but I never expected it of my best friend.

Hi Everyone..

Thank you for your replies.. and my heartfelt thoughts are for all of us here.. and all who read the thread.. there are a lot of losses that happen with depression, PTSD, etc.. with all mental illnesses I'd think..

I can relate to what you've written also Daze.. 'family of origin' I guess I'd call it, hasn't been a positive experience and it's easier to keep separate. I've made contact and am getting to know extended family members - aunts and cousins - and finding that a good experience. It's also giving my Son and Daughter a sense of a family from my side also, as they're getting to know the people too.

I've not been too good since arriving home last night, exhausted and in tears, from being away. Recently, a friend had texted suggesting we catch up - we'd arranged she'd come around about 2-ish this afternoon. I texted her saying 'I'm sorry, am nt gd, can we catch up another time' - her reply was 'no worries, cya'... and it was later that I thought she hadn't said anything like, are you ok, etc.. I'm feeling sensitive to a lot at the moment, and that feels like another loss. There are times when I'd like to shut the door and all the curtains and stay safe inside.. no more hurts, no more losses, no more heartache.. I know I do feel a bit better when I do see someone, though it's exhausting and usually I need to sleep and rest a lot for a few days afterwards to get back to where I was before seeing them.. it's like a circle.. that comes back to needing to sleep and rest to recover. I think back to how I was when I was working, supporting my Family of myself and my Son and my Daughter.. I was making a difference in the community through the work I did, and am proud of having been able to make a difference for many Families. I had an active social life, many friends, made fun things happen, danced old-time dancing three nights a week, cared for my home and grounds well.. coped well, even though I was dealing with the sexual abuse etc that happened up till when I was almost 22, having counselling, being part of four of us who co-facilitated a sexual abuse support group, etc..etc.. I finished work when I was 43 because the sexual harassment from my boss wasn't stopped, management didn't act on my requests for help, and my health deteriorated to the stage of being put off work, and on the 19th of September it was 9 years since I finished work - my health bad and continuing to be so. I was 43.. I'd thought that when I was about 45 I would like to stand for our local council, I thought I had a lot to offer, that I could make a difference, that I could be a voice for people, really listening to what was needed and supporting what was/is needed for our community to care for each other.. I keep remembering that lately, that it's not something I'll do now.. it's another loss. Another change from who I knew myself to be, and who I know myself to be now. Is it realistic to think that my health will change and there'll be a day that'll come when I can be out there making a difference again.. I don't think so.

I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow.. I think I'll talk about the losses.. it's time to do some work on that.

Hi Books,
I'm a newbie to this site and just wanted to say hi and that I'm sorry to read that things haven't been good for you lately. It's unfortunate too that some of your friends have not been thoughtful and have shown a lack of support and caring when you have needed it. From reading your posts you appear as a considerate, thoughtful, giving and caring person. Your friends are lucky to have you as a friend. Take care and many hugs to you.

ppl are sensitive BEINGS, we all are.
When one dosnt want to relate
the others know it.
They may think
we want your privacy
and therefore leave us alone to ponder our fate.
Thats kind of them.

Hopefully,
we make ground and can contact them later
when we are feeling upto it!


When we dont,
we allow our connections to shrivel to a thread.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks books and others for this thread as its given me something to think about. I used to have friends, some really good friends but I cut alot of them loose before i dragged them down with me, some ran for the hills as they didnt know how to help me and others were too self obsorbed they didnt even know anything was wrong! I like to say it was my decision to get rid of friends and some family (some family just wont go away though) but then there are times when i do get lonely and wonder what it must be like to have someone to confide in and well enjoy life with well other then my partner that is. *shrugs* I know what being a good friend is and i know one day i will be a good friend but for now it takes all my energy to just be a good person to me! THat probably sounds selfish doesnt it? I dont know. REading all your posts has been very thought provoking and i thank you all for being so honest and open!

Books4nZ you made a difference to my day thats for sure!

do you know something?

I think some of our best friends are here, on this site. We (well I do) feel I can be honest here - if I feel like topping myself i say so - well not in that small amount of words - and if i am happy - i say so too... in more words than that.

so far I have been lucky. No one has run for the hills, maybe I chose my friends well, maybe I got that one thing right.

I could have lost alot of good friends - thank heaven for Peter reading this site and how I was. Otherwise, I would not have opened up to anyone I knew, my marriage would have been over and I wouldn't be able to face my friends - especially one who now battles her own illness.

I would not have been able to confess and would have lost more than shallow friends.

Like I said before - I am sure I will have some friends who will run for the hills screaming something like "she's mad, she's mad..." those ones are not friends for sure and I did not choose well at that time.

Only time will tell.

Hello to you all.. :-)

It's raining heavily outside here.. I'm thinking of the little 2 year old missing from near her Grandparents home in Henderson - and so hope all is safe for her and she's found very quickly.

Thank you for all the replies.. it helps a lot. I talked to my counsellor about the losses - and realised my father's birthday was then - part of the triggers and feelings of loss - he never behaved as a child has a right for her (or his) father to behave. He used his birthdays to manipulate everyone - would get angry a few days or so before his birthday and would ban everyone (my mother and 5 siblings and me) from doing anything or getting anything for his birthday - and if we didn't we'd be in trouble for not doing anything. And trouble had abusive consequences. Damned if we did something and damned if we didn't. Part of the behaviours he did that I can now see were manipulative and controlling. However, even though his behaviour was abusive, violent at times, manipulative, etc.., there's a loss for the father that I deserved, as all children deserve, to have, and because my mother did nothing to stop everything, even though she knew what he did, and she was abusive too, it means there's a loss of the mother I deserved too. Her birthday is two weeks before his. I'm relieved, even thankful, that he died almost 31 years ago - and don't have contact with my mother, by my choice, yet the losses are deep. Strange how those losses feel so tangible, when I can see as an adult now, they're really the loss of what is an ideal, and not actually a reality. The loss of the hope I had when young that I was good enough so things wouldn't happen too I guess.

I got married just a few weeks before he died, back those almost 31 years ago - part of my relief that he's dead is that my father had 'asked' - when he was actually telling me the fact, that he 'come around' when my husband wasn't there. The sexual abuse from my father had begun when i was born - he told me, with a gloating look as he said it, when I was a teenager that he had sex with my mother (I'd call it rape) when she was in labour with giving birth to me, which must have happened after her waters broke, as he told me I was born with his sperm on my head. It's hard to handle that. I'm crying. The sexual abuse continued all through until Christmas eve, just a few weeks before I got married, and it stopped, as he lay on the bathroom floor crying, because he 'wasn't a man anymore' as the cancer meant he finally couldn't do anything any more. I was almost 22 - the sexual abuse went through all those almost 22 years.

Out of the blue, my youngest brother contacted me a few months ago - he'd been looking for me for a while, and he emailed my Daughter through the Oldfriends website asking if I am her Mum and asking me to contact him. I've kept the contact to emails, apart from going to see him at his business for a short visit, with my car right outside and the ability to leave if I needed to. Felt strange seeing him and I didn't feel any much of a connection, though I know the depression and ptsd affect me in a way that I find it hard to feel good feelings. I haven't told him where I live or given any phone numbers, it just feels safer not to. I don't know what I'll do - whether to keep in contact or let it go. I've seen him just a few times in all the years since our father died - the rest of the family stopped contact with me soon after that. In one email, he said that he knew about what our father did to me - that he'd realised when he was in his early teens that there was 'a terrible reason our father went into the bathroom before you [me] were finished showering, and why he stayed so long, and that he went into your bedroom to say goodnight, and shut the door and was there a long time.' He's in contact with our mother and 4 other siblings - I don't want contact with any of them, so feel vulnerable being in contact with him - he's the youngest of the family - there was sexual abuse from our three older brothers also. To even think of them turns my stomach and is hard to deal with.

Having the contact with him, has brought up a whole heap of other memories - and I guess part of the feelings of loss of friends, has been underlined by the loss of the family I deserved to have - the 4 brothers, a sister and a mother, and the contact from him is triggering and bringing up the sense of loss that in reality I had from when I was very young. Abandoned, abused and neglected while actually living with my parents and siblings - my 'family'. And acknowledging that other of my siblings must have been abused in some way(s) too, for them to behave as they did when they were quite young - they're all several years older than me. And there's fear too, because if he can find me, the others can too. I'd be quite happy to close the curtains of my home and hide away, yet know that's not good for me - or as a role model for my Daughter, who also has depression and ptsd, after needing four life-threatening cardio-thoracic surgeries - the last 4 years ago today, 6 October. Thank goodness there's been nothing serious since, though we have trips to ED's several times a year, with ongoing monitoring needed.

So I guess that the feelings of loss have been magnified and triggered in some ways by anniversary timings - my parents birthdays, and by my brother contacting me too, and with me feeling vulnerable and not wanting to have anything to do with the others.. and so I miss my friends all the more.

Take care Everyone.

hi there books

I am so pleased for you.,

Being able to release some of the tension and worries is a good start and a good step.

I am also sorry to hear that you and your family had to go through all of that - of course timings are critical, they certainly are - lying in the subcontious memory they are triggered by all sorts.

take care bookisy - I care for you.

Hi Books,
Thank-you for sharing some of your life with us. I felt so sad that your family used and abused you the way that they did. I can relate to some of the things you talk about. I hope you feel like you have some friends at TBBD. I know it's different to 'real' friends. Since I have been a member here I have been so impressed with the support, kindness and acceptance that people have given to others. In some ways, our cyber friendships are more real because we often divulge information that we may not share with our other friends. Big hugs Books. Be kind to yourself. x

Being Kind to ourSELVES is certainly the answer!


Beings we all are,
seeking comfort in the hearts of others
whilst our own mends!

Hi Books, Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with it. That takes courage.

We've met on Trademe for quite a long time now and it's good to see you here too. Trademe has its limitations!

That man was so horrible, abusive, and did hideous things to you. I know YOU know you're not responsible for his actions and attitudes. The abuser is ALWAYS 100 per cent responsible for the abuse - although children often take on the guilt. I could saymore but I won't give my energy to him .

There are many things you can feel really, really proud of - one is that you broke the cycle and have such good, special relationships with your children. AND you took them away from an abusive relationship too and showed them by example that one does not have to live with crap!

Good on YOU Books - I know it's not easy to 'take back personal power' on a daily (hourly) basis - and even just quite ordinary things (to other people) take a lot of energy, and it's hard to do the simplest things sometimes!

Hugs for you ...... Daze

daze7 wrote:Hi Books, Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with it. That takes courage.

We've met on Trademe for quite a long time now and it's good to see you here too. Trademe has its limitations!

That man was so horrible, abusive, and did hideous things to you. I know YOU know you're not responsible for his actions and attitudes. The abuser is ALWAYS 100 per cent responsible for the abuse - although children often take on the guilt. I could saymore but I won't give my energy to him .

There are many things you can feel really, really proud of - one is that you broke the cycle and have such good, special relationships with your children. AND you took them away from an abusive relationship too and showed them by example that one does not have to live with crap!

Good on YOU Books - I know it's not easy to 'take back personal power' on a daily (hourly) basis - and even just quite ordinary things (to other people) take a lot of energy, and it's hard to do the simplest things sometimes!

Hugs for you ...... Daze

Has this... "That man was so horrible, abusive, and did hideous things to you." been arrested for His CRIME Daze?

How is it you think you give HIM the POWER to go about and do more damage to ppl?

These criminally insane ppl are sick also,
and Need ALL THE ATTENTION they can GET!

He's dead GM - read Books long post - can't be arrested now!

daze7 wrote:He's dead GM - read Books long post - can't be arrested now!

you got me there Daze!

Hi Everyone..

Thank you for the lovely comments above.. they make things easier..

Thank goodness for TBBD..

Have a lovely week..

in the past ive had so called friends dump me from a great height, cos i may have been moody or acted out strangely. i have bipolar and while most dont know or suspect, sometimes i can be...well a little DIFFERENT lol.

ive never had mates who really took into consideration my mental illness, and really why should they? i dont need to be treated differently howev er i just wish that sometimes people would stop and think to themselves, AHHHH you know, that may be why she said this, or did that, but im instantly labelled as a btch or nasty and thats that, nothing in between only black or white, no grey.

i generaly do not care if people want to stop being friends with me, their loss cos under the mask of bipolar, i am actually a very genuine, loyal and generous person to know, it just takes a bit of digging past the surface sometimes :-)