i've never told anyone about my depression

hi everyone,
i just joined today because i realised i need to share what's going wrong in my head. i've probably got depression. i've never been to the doctor about the feelings i've been having, on and off, for maybe 2 years now. i've never told anyone how i feel because im afraid of their reaction. you can't untell a secret.
i don't feel bad all the time. i use diet and exercise to control things most of the time. but i have attacks that seem to be happening more and more frequently. they usually last about a week and can be triggered by the most minor things. at their worst they are completely overwhelming.
my work is my whole life. i moved to auckland a few months ago to take up this great job. i have moved many times in my life and didn't think anything of it, but for some reason it's a bit harder this time. i feel like a tree that has been uprooted so many times it is slowly dying ...
my work is demanding and rewarding in equal measure. it is massively competitive and i want to be the best and never let the boss down so i work extremely hard. just after i started we went through redundancy cuts, which i survived because others left, but it has left me feeling like i have to be the best at everything so my job is safe from future cuts.
i work in the media and have to do death calls (contacting relative of accident etc victims) at least once a week. mostly i can handle this ok, but sometime it is too much. last week i rang a man whose wife had died and he wept and wept down the phone. because i moved here alone and have no friends, i don't have anyone to talk to about this. this is part of what pushed me over the edge this week. well, i could go on and on ... so many stories like that one.
just wanted to put it out there ... feels good to share. i can't imagine actually talking to someone about this and going to family is not an option.

didn't want to read and run... I can't imagine how hard that aspect of your job must be!

Otherwise, am here... listening...

Hi jumbled,

And Thanks not only for choosing to join us here at TBBD, but to join in as you have, and introduce yourself.

Hi, I’m Paddy – Welcome to this place, TBBD.

At a guess I’d say you have quite a few stressor-factors in and around your day to day world and its good that you are recognising that ‘stuff’ could be more gooda, ya know?

I’m not an expert on anything sorry but it might be a good ‘start’ to make an appointment and have a chat with a Practice Nurse at your GP’s surgery. You may feel more at ease if your wrote down your thoughts etc for the practice nurse and don’t ‘censor it’ by editing it after or as you write. Let it stand as a ‘baseline’ or starting point and then empower yourself to explore with the medical folk, opportunities which may help you.

Asking for help isn’t a weakness truly – it is a sign of huge inner strength and an understanding of yourself and your environment and that you are willing to make that investment in yourself.

Take Gentle Care eh and yeah, Welcome again to TBBD.

Paddy.

Hi jumbled,

Welcome to TBBD. I think you are off to a good start by being able to admit that you aren't feeling well and also by being able to type that out to us here. If you go to a GP, there reaction is not going to be bad, they are there to help. If you feel that your current GP isn't that great, find someone else.

Do you mind me asking what are of Auckland you are in? You don't have to answer that here if you don't want to, or you can just say North/South etc. We moved up to Auckland about 8 months ago now.

Take care

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your replies. I feel better just writing it all down and hearing the thoughts of others. I'm going to think about the things you guys suggested ...
I do find it a bit frustrating getting upset about things that are part of my job, like the death calls/doorknocks. Everyone has to do them so it is not something we get any support for. The exception is if you break down after doing one, which I have seen happen to a couple of the reporters, in which they will be taken out for coffee and a chat I could probably have this too if I showed others when I'm upset, but I'm always afraid to.
I'm out west logical-cents.
Once again, I really appreciate your comments. I will do my best to return the favour, if I can ..

wow jumbled that at times must be hugely stressful - especially without anyone to off load to. I used to be someone that my friends would off load to, and in about November or earlier last year I got insomnia and then depression or so my Dr tells me. I have not told anyone apart from my husband and one friend so am not feeling able to share about it at all. I would agree with Paddy that it would be a good idea to see your practice nurse or Dr. I was in total denial until I did some online questionnaires like the John Kirwarn one and scored 21 out of 27.
The sense of pressure must be a real strain and the fact you say that it's getting worse for you would indicate to me that getting some professional help may be of benefit to you - it was just the hardest thing for me to acknowledge it to my Dr and there were lots of tears. I really feel for you and so hope that you find that there are people here in this safe place who will listen and support you. Take great care of yourself

hi jumbled

it's not in the human nature to have a job as you've described and be completely unaffected.

it's quite normal to feel overwhelmed by sad things, and by not giving yourself an outlet it's easy to see how hard life has become for you.

obviously, these things are very easy to say, and much harder to put into practise, particularly when you're trying to be strong and hold it all together.

i found some helpful advice was to give myself half an hour - take myself to a place where i felt safe (a building, a drive in the car to an unattended spot or a friend) and give myself the half an hour to really feel like i was bottoming out. after that allotted time (one time, i set the alarm on my phone so i didn't go over time) pull myself back together and 'carry on'.

some one once said to me "no one ever died from crying" and the reality is that you do generally feel much better once you've done it and got it out. so maybe, for you it could be useful to give yourself the time.

i'm glad you found this site, and have the courage to write how you feel.

and i hope you find some peace