Making A Difference Cycle Tour 2012

Making a Difference

I would like to share my journey through mental illness, and I hope that by sharing my story it can inspire others to make a difference in the world. We all have the potential to make a difference. We just all have to find that potential, and for some of us that may take awhile...but it is there, you just have to keep searching.

I am 19 years old, and since I was born I've had a pretty tough life. The most important person who is suppose to be your mum was never around and my dad I only got to see every so often, I lived with my Grandma up until the age of 16. My mum was never been at the important things in my life like sports games, school awards, my first tryathlon, birthdays, christmas. Not one. I still find that hard even today.

At the age of 12, I was having a great life, I had great friends and I was in a stable home. But something was about to turn my life upside down. Something I had never experienced. On a Saturday morning I was flicking through the newspaper...just being nosy at all the events happening, when I saw the title “Man Set's Himself Alight at Camp”, I thought wow, I looked at the picture, it was my Dad's caravan, I ran outside screaming for my Grandma to look at it. She immediately rang my aunt who confirmed that my Dad has attempted to set himself alight.

I was angry, sad, upset, I didn't know what to think anymore. This was my Dad and it was scattered all over Chritchurch's newspapers. I got through the weekend, and on the Monday I went to school, where my teachers noticed a change in my behaviour, I became withdrawn. I ended up having to tell my teachers what had happened. They were really supportive. I felt ashamed though. My Dad was put into Hillmorton Hospital for intensive treatment. What is a kid suppose to think when there Dad attempts suicide?

A couple of weeks went by, and I just felt alone, scared, angry, sad. I needed someone to talk to. And all I could think of who I could trust was my GP. I cut the newspaper article out, and made an appointment to see Dr J (my GP). I remember sitting in the waiting room so scared, I had never been to the doctor on my own before. He called my name, there was no turning back now. As soon as I got into his room, I froze, tears welled up in my eyes and I said “I need help” and I put the newspaper article in front of him. He read it and he turned round and all he said was “Oh dear”.

From that visit I saw Dr J every week. I told him how I was feeling, and he became my rock. He got me through the hard times. I could talk freely and I felt safe. And too this day he still a very special person too me.

In May, a trip was planned for me to fly to Los Angeles to meet my Godfather and we had a holiday for two weeks. Disneyland, Sea World....it was great fun. I forgot about everything that was going on back home. This was my birthday present.

Back home I came, I continued to see Dr J every week. I was still struggling...so he sent me to Youth Specialty Service to see a psychologist. I hated it there. I wanted help, but I didn't want help from the mental health system. I was finding it hard to tell my friends what I was going through. And none of them had been what I had been through. But I continued to see the psychologist. They tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy but that didn't really work. I got discharged from there in 2006. The only person who was getting me through was Dr J.

I started at Hillmorton High School, I was doing well academically. But I still had this feeling of “low and alone”. September 2007, Dr J was still worried about me and he referred me back to Youth Specialty to see another psychologist. I was getting on with the psychologist, they tried all kinds of treatment. I had a few support people, a teacher at Hillmorton High School, Dr J and my Ranger leader. I was slowly getting somewhere.

The year 2008 came around, I got on really well with both my P.E. Teachers at Hillmorton and they became a real inspiration to me and they still are today. December 2008, my life got turned upside down again...I was removed from my Grandma's home and I was put into care. Just before Christmas I was put into Youth Residential, and I was not coping at all. I attended my appointment at youth Specialty and it was decided that I needed to be hospitlized because I was suicidal. I was in the Youth Inpatient Unit for 5 days and then was discharged from there back to Residential. I wasn't co-operative because at that time I was alone and I was adament that people were out to get me. All I wanted to do was die. I was determined that I was going to kill myself. I was making plans, writing letters, getting everything ready for when I was going to die.

A week after I discharged from youth inpatient I was back again. For Christmas, I was in hospital for a total of 3 weeks. I was suicidal, confused, angry, depressed, I just didn't know who I was anymore.

January of 2009, I went back to Stepping Stone Youth Residential, it was decided that I could have crisis admissions into Youth Inpatient Unit for up to 48 hours and I could use it once a week when required. I went back to Hillmorton High School. People started hearing that I'd attmempted suicide and people were being particulary nasty too me, the medication was making me really sleeping. I just wasn't coping at all. I felt I wasn't wanted at school, by teachers and students. So I left. I enrolled at Polytech, but my course didn't start till July. So I had nothing to do.

I was hating it at Stepping Stones, I just wanted out. I wasn't getter better and I felt like I wasn't moving forwards. So I went boarding with a family. They had no idea about my background with mental health issues. I This was in June of 2009. I was liking my independence, but I started to question myself as to whether I was well enough to be in community. I started cutting, overdosing on my medication, I just wanted to end my life, because I was in this big black whole and no one understood. I cut off from Youth Specialty Service, Stepping Stone Mobile.

I needed help, and one of the boarders one night called the police on me. That's when Jeff and Lee the landlords suddenly realised I was mentally unwell. From then on I became a daughter to them. I was still unwell, my moods were up and down like a yo-yo. I had what I always wanted, a family. We went camping, out for dinner, to my appointments, I was starting to get my life back on track, I even had a christmas!

January 2010, I decided this was going to be my best year. I was going to make my family proud of me....suddenly everything turned to custard. Things were rocky at home, and one night I found myself kicked out of my family and on the street. I turned up at Psychiatric Emergency Service distressed, and all they could do with me was put me in hospital. Where for the first time hospital was the best idea. I decided this was my chance to make stand for what I wanted. I planned a cycle tour of New Zealand to raise money for the Youth Inpatient Unit and the Mental Health Foundation. I put everything I had into the tour and Lizzie and myself planned it from top to bottom. We were to set off in Ocotber 2010. Unfortunately due to circumstances we were unable to continue the tour.

2011 was a big year for me, I had to come to terms that the bike tour I had planned and put everything into didn’t turn out to plan. Sometimes it felt like I had failed, and that’s when my Dr told me a quote that has stuck with me “failure is something that I am not! It does not belong to me”. That’s when I started thinking I had to do my cycle tour again. I had to finish what I had set out to do. I grew a lot in 2011. I began to move forward, move away from Dr J and not see him so regularly, not seeing psych services, going out and finding a job that now I love, moving out into the country, starting to build a relationship with my dad, my step mum and my 2 amazing brothers.

For the first time I had my dad back, I hung out with him, went on road trips. He made the best decision for himself to admit himself into Alchohol rehabilitation unit and I was so proud of him for doing that. When he made that decision, I made the decision that in 2012 I was going to go and cycle New Zealand again.

Now it’s January 2012 and planning is now well underway. My dad will also join me on my bike tour and my support driver which is huge thing for me to have your dad there right beside you and watch you do something great. It’s now my turn once again to go out there and make a difference in people’s lives. Give people hope and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As we are all capable of what we want to achieve.

The route for the Making A Difference Cycle Tour 2012 is as follows:

1 September = START Leave Christchurch arrive Kaikoura stay 1 night
2 September = Leave Kaikoura arrive Picton stay 1 night
3 September = Cross on the ferry arrive Wellington stay 1 night
4 September = Leave Wellington arrive Masterton stay 1 night
5 September = Leave Masterton arrive Napier stay 2 nights
7 September = Leave Napier arrive Gisbourne stay 1 night
8 September = Leave Gisbourne arrive Whakatane stay 1 night
9 September = Leave Whakatane arrive Tauranga stay 2 nights
11 September = Leave Tauranga arrive Thames stay 1 night
12 September = Leave Thames arrive Auckland stay 1 night
13 September = Leave Auckland arrive Whangarei stay 1 night
14 September = Leave Whangarei arrive Paihia stay 1 night
15 September = Leave Paihia arrive Kaitaia stay 1 night
16 September = Leave Kaitaia arrive Dargaville stay 1 night
17 September = Leave Dargaville arrive Auckland stay 2 nights
19 September = Leave Auckland arrive Hamilton stay 1 night
20 September = Leave Hamilton arrive Te Kuiti stay 1 night
21 September = Leave Te Kuiti arrive New Plymouth stay 1 night
22 September = Leave New Plymouth arrive Wanganui stay 1 night
23 September = Leave Wanganui arrive Palmerston North stay 1 night
24 September = Leave Palmerston North arrive Wellington stay 2 nights
26 September = Cross on the Ferry arrive Picton stay 1 night
27 September = Leave Picton arrive Nelson stay 1 night
28 September = Leave Nelson arrive Murchison stay 1 night
29 September = Leave Murchison arrive Westport stay 1 night
30 September = Leave Westport arrive Greymouth stay 1 night
1 October = Leave Greymouth arrive Franz Josef stay 1 night
2 October = Leave Franz Josef arrive Wanaka stay 2 nights
4 October = Leave Wanaka arrive Queenstown stay 2 nights
6 October = Leave Queenstown arrive Invercargill stay 1 night
7 October = Leave Invercargill arrive Balclutha stay 1 night
8 October =Leave Balclutha arrive Dunedin stay 1 night
9 October = Leave Dunedin arrive Timaru stay 1 night
10 October = Leave Timaru arrive Christchurch FINISH


To be able to do this tour, I need support, sponsorship and gear to finish my goal of making people more aware of mental illness. I am hoping that you will be able to help me in doing this.

This is not just for me and my family friends, it is for the whole of New Zealand. I want to inspire everyday New Zealanders that barriers like mental illness can be overcome, and I want to give people hope.

I have so many people to thank for how I have got through these last few years. Just a few people that I would like to thank especially are Dr J – for sticking by me and never giving up on me, Jess- For showing me what a friend is, Julie – For being an amazing friend, Grandma – For helping me out in anyway possible, Jeff – For giving me the hope to give through, My brothers – For showing me that I can laugh at anything, My Dad and Tanya – For giving me something that I have missed so much, Helen – For telling me so often that I am strong. All of you have made such a huge impact on my life and I can’t thank you enough.

If you would like to be part of this in anyway, please contact me on 022 696 75 92 or sarah.clifford@xtra.co.nz

What you do, makes the difference! And my goal is TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE! And give a voice to youth with mental illness.

Looking forward to hearing from you.
Sarah Clifford, Amberley NZ
Founder/Director of Making A Difference