Making A Difference Bike Tour: Giving a voice to mental illness

Making a Difference

I would like to share my journey through mental illness, and I hope that by sharing my story it can inspire others to make a difference in the world. We all have the potential to make a difference. We just all have to find that potential, and for some of us that may take awhile...but it is there, you just have to keep searching.

I am 18 years old, and since I was born I've had a pretty tough life. My parents were never around, I lived with my Grandma up until the age of 16. My parents have never been at the important things in my life like sports games, school awards, my first tryathlon, birthdays, christmas. Not one. I still find that hard even today.

At the age of 12, I was having a great life, I had great friends and I was in a stable home. But something was about to turn my life upside down. Something I had never experienced. On a Saturday morning I was flicking through the newspaper...just being nosy at all the events happening, when I saw the title “Man Set's Himself Alight at Camp”, I though wow, I looked at the picture, it was my Dad's caravan, I ran outside screaming for my Grandma to look at it. She immediately rang my aunt who confirmed that my Dad has attempted to set himself alight.

I was angry, sad, upset, I didn't know what to think anymore. This was my Dad and it was scattered all over Chritchurch's newspapers. I got through the weekend, and on the Monday I went to school, where my teachers noticed a change in my behaviour, I became withdrawn. I ended up having to tell my teachers what had happened. They were really supportive. I felt ashamed though. My Dad was put into Hillmorton Hospital for intensive treatment. What is a kid suppose to think when there Dad attempts suicide?

A couple of weeks went by, and I just felt alone, scared, angry, sad. I needed someone to talk to. And all I could think of who I could trust was my GP. I cut the newspaper article out, and made an appointment to see Dr J (my GP). I remember sitting in the waiting room so scared, I had never been to the doctor on my own before. He called my name, there was no turning back now. As soon as I got into his room, I froze, tears welled up in my eyes and I said “I need help” and I put the newspaper article in front of him. He read it and he turned round and all he said was “Oh dear”.

From that visit I saw Dr J every week. I told him how I was feeling, and he became my rock. He got me through the hard times. I could dry freely and I felt safe. And too this day he still a very special person too me.

In May, a trip was planned for me to fly to Los Angeles to meet my Godfather and we had a holiday for two weeks. Disneyland, Sea World....it was great fun. I forgot about everything that was going on back home. This was my birthday present.

Back home I came, I continued to see Dr J every week. I was still struggling...so he sent me to Youth Specialty Service to see a psychologist. I hated it there. I wanted help, but I didn't want hep from the mental health system. I was finding it hard to tell my friends what I was going through. And none of them had been what I had been through. But I continued to see the psychologist. They tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy but that didn't really work. I got discharged from there in 2006. The only person who was getting me through was Dr J.

I started at Hillmorton High School, I was doing well academically. But I still had this feeling of “low and alone”. September 2007, Dr J was still worried about me and he referred me back to Youth Specialty see another psychologist. I was getting on with psychologist, they tried all kinds of treatment. I had a few support people, a teacher at Hillmorton High School, Dr J and my Ranger leader. I was slowly getting somewhere.

The year 2008 came around, I got on really well with both my P.E. Teachers at Hillmorton and they became a real inspiration to me and they still are today. December 2008, my life got turned upside down again...I was removed from my Grandma's home and I was put into care. Just before Christmas I was put into Youth Residential, and I was not coping at all. I attended my appointment at youth Specialty and it was decided that I needed to be hospitlized because I was suicidal. I was in the Youth Inpatient Unit for 5 days and then was discharged from there back to Residential. I wasn't co-operative because at that time I was alone and I was adament that people were out to get me. All I wanted to to was die. I was determined that I was going to kill myself. I was making plans, writing letters, getting everything ready for when I was going to die.

A week after I discharged from youth inpatient I was back again. For Christmas, I was in hospital for a total of 3 weeks. I was suicidal, confused, angry, depressed, I just didn't know who I was anymore.

January of 2009, I went back to Stepping Stone Youth Residential, it was decided that I could have crisis admissions into Youth Inpatient Unit for up to 48 hours and I could use it once a week when required. I went back to Hillmorton High School. People started hearing that I'd attmempted suicide and people were being particulary nasty too me, the medication was making me really sleeping. I just wasn't coping at all. I felt I wasn't wanted at school, by teachers and students. So I left. I enrolled at Polytech, but my course didn't start till July. So I had nothing to do.

I was hating it at Stepping Stones, I just wanted out. I wasn't getter better and I felt like I wasn't moving forwards. So I went boarding with a family. They had no idea about my background with mental health issues. I This was in June of 2009. I was liking my independence, but I started to question myself as to whether I was well enough to be in community. I started cutting, overdosing on my medication, I just wanted end my life, because I was in this big black whole and no one understood. I cut off from Youth Specialty Service, Stepping Stone Mobile.

I needed help, and on of the boarders one night called the police on me. That's when Jeff and Lee the landlords suddenly realised I was mentally unwell. From then on I became a daughter to them. I was still unwell, my moods were up and down like a yo-yo. I had what I always wanted, a family. We went camping, out for dinner, to my appointments, I was starting to get my life back on track, I even had a christmas!

January 2010, I decided this was going to be my best year. I was going to make my family proud of me....suddenly everything turned to custard. Things were rocky at home, and one night I found myself kicked out of my family and on the street. I turned up at Psychiatric Emergency Service distressed, and all they could do with me was put me in hospital. Where for the first time hospital was the best idea. I decided this was my chance to make stand for what I wanted. And today, I want to make a difference. I want to help people with mental illness and make people understand that mental illness can be overcome. Even though I don't have my family anymore, I still have Jeff who is my rock, and my Dad. And without him I wouldn't be where I am now, and I wouldn't be doing this.

I plan to tour New Zealand by bike staarting on the 1 October 2010. This is the timetable and route for my tour...

Dates of Tour

1 October – Leave christchurch, arrive Timaru, overnight Timaru
2 October – Arrive Dunedin, two nights Dunedin
3 October – Day in Dunedin
4 October – Arrive Invercargill, overnight Invercargill
5 October – Arrive Queenston, two nights Queenstown
6 October – Day in Queenstown
7 October – Arrive Haast, three nights Haast
8 October – Day in Haast
9 October – Day in Haast
10 October – Arrive Franz Joseph, overnight Franz Joseph
11 October – Arrive Greymouth, two nights Greymouth
12 October – Day in Greymouth
13 October – Arrive Westport, overnight Westport
14 October – Arrive Murchison, overnight Murchison
15 October – Arrive Nelson, two nights Nelson
16 October – Day in Nelson
17 October – Arrive Picton, overnight Picton
18 October – Ferry to Wellington, overnight Wellington
19 October – Arrive Palmerston North, Overnight Palmerston North
20 October – Arrive Wanganui, overnight Wanganui
21 October – Arrive New Plymouth, overnight New Plymouth
22 October – Arrive Hamilton, two nights Hamilton
23 October – Day in Hamilton
24 October – Arrive Auckland, three nights Auckland
25 October – Day in Auckland
26 October – Day in Auckland
27 October – Arrive Dargaville, overnight Dargaville
28 October – Arrive Kaitaia, three nights Kaitaia
29 October – Day in Kaitaia
30 October – Day in Kaitaia
31 October – Arrive Paihia, overnight Paihia
1 November – Arrive Whanagarei, overnight Whangarei
2 November – Arrive Auckland, two nights Auckland
3 November – Day in Auckland
4 November – Arrive Thames, overnight Thames
5 November – Arrive Tauranga, two nights Tauranga
6 November – Day in Tauranga
7 November – Arrive Rotorua, two nights Rotorua
8 November – Day in Rotorua
9 November – Arrive Taupo, overnight Taupo
10 November – Arrive Napier, two nights Napier
11 November – Day in Napier
12 November – Arrive Masterton, three nights Marsterton
13 November – Day in Masterton
14 November – Day in Marsterton
15 November – Arrive Wellington, three nights Wellington
16 November – Day in Wellington
17 November – Day in Wellington
18 November – Ferry to Picton, overnight Picton
19 November – Arrive Kaikoura, three nights Kaikoura
20 November – Day in Kaikoura
21 November – Day in Kaikoura
22 November – Arrive Christchurch, FINISH!



To be able to do this tour, I need support, sponsorship and gear to finish my goal of making people more aware of mental illness. I am hoping that you will be able to sponsorship me in some way. I would mention you in newspaper article, radio, my website etc. I really hope you are willing to be part of this journey in any way you can.

This is not just for me and the my friends, it is for the whole of New Zealand. I want to inspire everyday New Zealanders that barriers like mental illness can be overcome, and I want to give people hope.

If you would like to be part of this in anyway, please contact me on 027 7772923 or sarah.clifford@xtra.co.nz

What you do, makes the difference! And my goal is TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Sarah Clifford
Rangiora, NZ