Wanting to die happy

I have a problem. I have had mental health problems for years. I want to commit suicide, but when I am happy, not when I am sad. At the moment I am sad. So sad I'm feeling in the hopeless state. If I could end it now I would, but I'm not happy. I want to go out on a happy note. The doctors keep wanting to give me medication to boost my mood, but once my mood is really good, that will be the time. I don't want to be here anymore.

Hanz,
if you can get a pill from your doctor which makes your moods really good - please, tell the rest of us what it is 'cos we can't get it. Till we can, we do what we can. That is what TBBD is about - Surviving.

Paddy.

Paddy wrote:Hanz,
if you can get a pill from your doctor which makes your moods really good - please, tell the rest of us what it is 'cos we can't get it. Till we can, we do what we can. That is what TBBD is about - Surviving.

Paddy.

Thats all I'm doing at the moment. Absolutely nothing else. Last night I was writing suicide notes.

Hanz I'm so sorry you are feeling this way - do you know if there anything in particular that is making you feel this way?

Sometimes it can feel that all we do is 'stay strong' and it doesn't seem worth, but if theres a chance you might be happier in the future, and feel different about life, don't you want to give it a shot?

Try and tell us a bit of what you're feeling. It really can help.

So I saw at TM.
Well mate, I hate to tell ya, but surviving is a full time job for many of us - and I take me hat off to those who are still working as well as coping with their illnesses, because I couldn't any more.

But I can survive and thats what I started TBBD for - surviving.

There is no one or nothing here that can help you pick your moods up if you're not prepared to make a bit of an effort too.

Tears, sobbing tears, hours of them? Yep. Weeks of them? Yep. Years of them? Yep. Binned? Yep. Binned mulitple times? Yep. Lost everything? Nah, it kinda felt like it for about 40 odd years, then I found someone I quite liked bits of. Me.

Took an effort, but. I had to look quite hard and I took some selfconvincing and I still have 'bits of me' that piss me off but uultimately, I am aware that I can now choose, most days anyway, how to direct my feelings and moods towards safer ground. Hard work, and I reckon by it I earn me Invalids Benefit, because I accept responsibility for me and refuse to allow my past to demonise me any longer. Fuck off, demons. See, gone. Till they come back, then I'll tell em the same. Eventually, some of them get bored 'n wander off.

And it takes an effort to maintain that feeling of acceptance of bits of ones self but I figure I'm worth it.

It didn't matter that for years others told me I was worth it, I had to disassemble myself, Lego Like and put me back in a different sequence of blocks with a more stable base before I could see it.

Hard work is often worth the results though mate. It really is. Mate, I could swap suicide note drafts with ya copy for copy but what good it going to do either of us? Except, if there is no other way handy right now to express those thoughts in relative safety, then writing it might help.

Rename it, but eh? Call it something like,
"Fuck It, This is How I Feel and How I Understand Things To Be For Me Right Now."

By the time you have the Heading looking perfect etc, you'll be too knackered to write the rest. That can wait till tomorrow.

We all have to find ways to divert our thoughts sometimes. If we didn't think we were worth making the effort, deep down, I doubt a place like TBBD woulda lasted more than a week. Are we worthn the effort? I'd say over 14,000 posts in less than 2 years of TBBDing says WE ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. You included.

Paddy.

jaffakiwi wrote:Hanz I'm so sorry you are feeling this way - do you know if there anything in particular that is making you feel this way?

Sometimes it can feel that all we do is 'stay strong' and it doesn't seem worth, but if theres a chance you might be happier in the future, and feel different about life, don't you want to give it a shot?

Try and tell us a bit of what you're feeling. It really can help.

I was bullied a school, horrifically. I was asked many years ago if I wanted to take criminal procedings against the school involved, and I said no. It would be, if I took procedings, the worst case of school bullying ever in this countries history. Then nasty parental divorce, later drugs, and deep deep depression ever since. Numerous suicide attempts, but next time it will be by hanging, when that beautiful day comes. I'm past help now. I just want to die happy and organised.

Hang In, by all means but please, don't hang yaself. Why do Kiwi blokes do that, eh? Prolly cos we ain't got gun licences, and we'd hate to die illegally, as illogical as that it.

I don't really know quite what to say about your dreadful school experiences - it makes some of my old school-age grizzles seem a bit ummm, not so bad after all maybe.

Do you think that confronting your bullies in Court could/would have been potentially cathartic in later years, or do you think that the wounds and the hurts and agonies and terrors etc from those times would be too raw to contemplate?

I see that you've managed to stick it out quite a few years (says me, who has just turned 50) and that I think speaks volumes for your strength of character - There is no way that when I was 40, or 35, or 45 even, that I could have faced up to, challenged and arm wrestled some of my demons in the ways you must have to have survived so long, dreadfully sad as you are for what must feel like, always.

One of my key survival decisions in 2006 was that I was too fucking angry with the men who raped me as a kid, the family members etc, to contine to allow them to dominate me as much as they still were, decades on, dead or not. They mighta had me down and on the ropes for decades, but in the end, I kicked arse. Mainly mine, it felt like, but I'm getting there.

I'm pretty sure we're all 'works in progress' and sometimes it feels like the progress is backwards. But it doesn't always have to be that way.

Some days, ya just can't help having a wee smile at something, despite ya best efforts not notice things. Cherish those smiles mate, and more will find their way in. Don't let the bastards win. Don't let them Win. They are doomed anyway 'cos you're in our TBBD Family now and we look after our own and I'm sure that we'll get there - Nil Carborundum etc.

Paddy.

Bullying is such a horrifying thing to endure - and at such a crucial time in our lives too. Believe me when I say there is nothing wrong with you and you didn't deserve this.

To me it seems like there are two things that might help you find peace.
You could stand for yourself by taking the school (and/or bullies) to court, thus affirming to yourself you didn't deserve that. Often people say depression is repressed anger. I was treated badly by a former employter and in hindsite I would have done well taking them to court. But instead of been brewing about it - I guess we need to express the anger instead of brewing on it.

The other thing that I think would help is if you attach yourself and bond to a few GOOD people. Yes there are some horrible assholes in this world, but don't let them distort your view of mankind. There are also really good, beautiful, compassionate people out there and maybe you need reminding of that.

If you use MSN and you wanna chat feel free to PM your address and I'll add you =] I hope this helps.

Can I post this link here.

Listen to the words. Kind what I'm feeling right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJNL00oVGHI

Wanting to die happy. I read a book years ago called "grass soup" or something similar. The story was set in a chinese labour camp in the early 1960s. At the time because of mismanagement by Mao there was a famine which resulted in the deaths of 30 million chinese. The imates of the camp ate grass to survive. One prisoner begged his wife to bring him food. She was of course not much better off than him but eventually made the long differcult trip to the camp with some rice cakes. She found him working in the fields, he snatched the cakes from her with out any acknowledgement, ran to the top of a cannal bank, wolfed down the rice. Then with his sickle he slit his wrists and rolled dying into the cannal. Apparently there is a chinese belief, may be Buddist that if you die hungry you will spend eternity or your next life suffering hunger.

Hanz wrote:I have a problem. I have had mental health problems for years. I want to commit suicide, but when I am happy, not when I am sad. At the moment I am sad. So sad I'm feeling in the hopeless state. If I could end it now I would, but I'm not happy. I want to go out on a happy note. The doctors keep wanting to give me medication to boost my mood, but once my mood is really good, that will be the time. I don't want to be here anymore.

Go and see your Dr and tell him how your feeling. You need Help Mate.