as my username says,life should be great so why isnt it?

Hi All

Not sure where to begin or if this is the right place but oh well here goes
Im 21,I have everything I wanted,a wonderful,hard working husband,a gorgeous toddler and another baby on the way(due today!),I know what I want to study when I get around to it but there is always this big dark cloud hanging over me
I have had anxiety and depression since I was young,but because they didnt know alot about it back then I was dismissed as having an overactive imagination and being an attention seeker.
I was 15 when I was finally diagnosed,but because I wasnt watched or monitored I kept slipping through the cracks and I'd stop my medication and counselling until I went back to the drs for help.My real wake up call was last year when my daughter was 3 months old and I realised I needed help for my daughters sake if not mine,but I was told it was post natal depression whereas I knew it wasnt as I had never been properly treated for depression,so I went on medication(3 different types I tried)but in the end stopped taking them,although I no longer felt depressed,I also felt nothing else,no joy,no nothing. Stopped counselling as I could no longer afford it so on I went on my merry(or not so merry)way.
When we finally concieved our 2nd child I was over the moon,but it wasnt long before I fell into a big black hole again...I begged my midwife for help,she contacted one or 2 organisations who are there to help pregnant woman with mental illnesses but was told I was not important as I wasnt high risk.So my midwife pushed and pushed,conacted all the community mental health people she could and I am now in contact with 3 organisations,one who is there to help me with medication and coping once the baby is born,one is there for counselling and one is there for everything else. So although Im not there yet,I can see a glimer of hope.
I dont understand why I am depressed or why I get anxious like I do(although I realise my triggers and can stop anxiety attacks)I SHOULD be happy.....one of the biggest problems I have is lonliness as I dont have many friends...this pregnancy has almost near crippled me and I have blackouts so cannot leave the house on my own...but I have nearly everything I ever wanted,I feel so guilty for not being happy!I have so much more than some others do yet Im not happy with it.....

Anyway I dont know why Im typing this at 4am to a bunch of strangers and I probably dont make sense

*Big Hugs* for you honey and welcome to the Big Black Dog.

Please realise that although we are a bunch of strangers most people here will have some idea of what you are goin through and we all have a ramble on here occaisionally, yours just happened to make PERFECT sense lol.

Guilt is a hard thing to deal with because even though its very often misplaced it can become a protection and it isnt the easisest emotion to control. I wont tell you to stop feeling guilty but I will tell you that you need to be a little easier on yourself because from what you have said you have an ENORMOUS amount on your plate and yet you hvae realised you need a bit of support and you have gone out and gotten it! So a big pa on the back to you my friend! (its tsken me nearly 20 years to face my problems despite knowing i had them). You are still very young and being a wife and mother at your age is something I know I wouldnt have coped with. Sometimes when a MHO rejfuses us for not being high risk enough there is guilt and frustration around that but let me tell you this, many of us here have been told at some point that we are not high risk, that we will cope. ONLY you know how at risk you are right now. Only you can ask for help and its important that you have and we all know its not easy! So I am really proud that there is another young capable mum out there who will bring up some beautiful kiddies for this world!

I am glad to hear you have such a supportive midwife because it does sound as though this pregnancy is not only physically a strain but emotionally as well. It sounds as if she has a great handle on how your feeling which is wonderful. Just keep being open and honest with her and the other organisations that you are in touch with!
How far along in your pregnancy are you if you dont mind me asking? And you dont mention any family support other than your husband, is there anyone who you can trust with your feelings who can get you out and about and just give you a break every now and then? And hubby.have you been honest with him about your feelings because I am sure he cares so much and would hate you to go through this alone!

The best I can say to you right now is to hold on to that glimmer of HOPE! And give yourself a break girl because I think you are doing really well. And once bubs is born and you can find the right meds and maybe have a social outlet (new mums group etc....maybe) that hope will begin to grow little by little.

Be easy on yourself and keep coming back and posting here and chatting when you want to. The people here are wonderfully supportive of eachother and we ill help in whatever way we can.

More hugs for you and your hubby and bubbies! I think you sound like an amazing person who is just coping (and coping resonably well!) with a heck of a lot!

Take care and we look forward to seeing you again!

Monsta

Woops....you told us baby was due today!!!

Wow....no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. I hope if bubs decides to pop out today that you are both safe and well and healthy.

Take it easy on yourself girl!

Monsta

That is the great thing about this place. People do really know what you are talking about and experiencing the same things alot of the time.

I myself had a great weekend last weekend, some good times with my son and good work around my house which was long over due and yet I still woke up on Monday with a big black cloud hanging over my head and for no apparent reason.

Like Monsta said you have got alot on your plate, you are probably doing a good job with your family or atleast the best you can which is all anyone can ask, and you have found yourself some help.

The feeling so down totally sucks but good on you for sticking it out and getting the help that you need. Sometimes its so hard to get support because people just dont understand it. Stick with it.

Hope everything goes well with your baby. I shall keep watching to see how you got on

Take care.

I have my parents who live a 30-40 min drive away but neither me or my husband drive and at the moment I rely on my mum to come and see me when she can,she is supportive but I cant talk to her about how I feel.I can talk to my dad but it feels awkward.I do talk to my husband and he tries to understand but doesnt really know how to deal with me sometimes as I do get irrational and a bit"crazy" and he doesnt know what to do when Im like that...I do try and explain how I feel and have told him all he has to do is be there and love me.when I have my bad days and tell him Im sorry for being a useless wife and mother he tells me that I am a good wife and a great mum and Im doing a good job and hes very proud of me.
I would type more but I think Im in labour so may leave it at that for now!

Oh wow!............good luck if you are in Labour Honey. WE will ALL be thinking of you today!
Come back and talk when you need to please!

Monsta

hiya lifeshouldbegreat...nice to meet you!!!

remember to breathe and relax...and hope it is a sweet labour...as in not to long or painful...I join monsta in saying we will ALL be thinking of you today!!!

have talked to my midwife who has warned me it may fizzle out so will spend today resting,cleaning and cuddling my little one....Im so thankful I have her,there have been times where suicide has flitted through my mind and I think her and hubby would be better off without me but then I think what right do I have to take a childs mother away from them,and then think of all the things I would miss and all the memories we would lose if I wasnt here,and I know that I may not be the best mother,but Im the only mother she will ever have and I want to raise a happy,balanced,well adjusted child and if Im not here to do it who will?sorry to be such a sad sap I just dont have an outlet for my feelings,I thought about writing it all in a journal but I dont think I could

Just wanted to share something I wrote on my bebo page almost 2 months ago,I still sort of feel the same way but better,Im glad I wrote it because already I feel as though Im getting somewhere(I know its kind of cheesy,Ill never be a poet!!)

Some days are good,most days are bad
Some days Im happy,mostly Im sad
I try to smile when life seems dim
But sometimes my being alive feels like a sin
My cries for help go ignored
My wounds so deep,as if slashed by a sword

Its hard admitting I need help
I keep on wondering about the hand Ive been dealt
I dont deserve the good things I have
I feel Ive destroyed lives,that makes me sad

I stick around for matt and my girls
Coz my time with them, is more valuable than pearls
I am so lucky yet I still cry
Because sometimes inside I just want to die

Oh Lifey! Thank you so much for sharing that with us! We have a writing section on here where you can read some other peoples writings as well as post your own. It sometimes helps to be able to put it down in words doesnt it?

I hope your labour is going well. Please do keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you. We dont expect hourly updates or anything but once bubs is here and your up to it we would love to know!

And if your bored while your waiting for bubs I am in the chat box on the home page!

Monsta

theres a chat box??might pop in in a wee bit I have to tidy up first,if this is labour when mum comes to look after my wee one it would be very unfair to leave her with this god awful mess!!!!

YOU should just be relaxing missy!
I am sure your mum wont give a hoot if she has a little bit of housework to do!

I am getting the impression you may be a bit of a perfectionist lol.

Chat box is on the home page 1/2 way down. Just click on the log in button to get into it!

Monsta

Oh no in no way am I a perfectionist,if you saw my house it would be the first thing you noticed!!lol

First off, Welcome to our friendly, safe community of folk here at The Big Black Dog, lifeshouldbegreat.

Sorry I wasn't here earlier to say 'Hi', but our Greetings Ambassador Monsta has earned her pay today. Pity the positions unpaid, but shhh, I'd not mentioned that bit to her yet.

Lifey, your words, your feelings, your strength and courage are inspiring. Very. All those things and feelings thoughts going on, a husband, one young child already and other who was nearly crowning as you typed?

I think the Queen of Multitasking may have just joined our friendly family here! And, cos you don't know me yet, I'd best tell you thats a compliment, not a put down. Let me just say, that I am in awe of anyone who can multitask at anything, far less acheive all you do and have.

I'm delighted you have found us here and chose to join in on our journey through life. Its a bumpy little road we're on, but here at least, we do as much as we can to support each other and encourage safety and wellness.

As you're finding out, here at TBBD, you can say pretty much anything you need to say.

Good on you for having the courage to tell your midwife you needed some help - thats a really smart move and you should be proud of yourself for doing that.

I hope that you can talk about your feelings and fears etc with your husband - thats where the 'partner' bit is really important.

Lifey, I won't try to repeat what your other 'new friends' here at The Big Black Dog have said, cos well, its been said already.

Just, Well Done You for having the courage to join us and talk.

Best wishes for your labour and childbirth, and I really, really hope that your moods pick up and you are able to enjoy sharing time and experiences with your growing family (most of the time, anyway). And between us all we'll see if we can't find a way to help you feel better.

Wow, a new member to our own growing family AND our first The Big Black Dog baby. We might have to do something to celebrate this with you, if you'd let us?

Take care, and remember you don't have to do this on your own. Well maybe the baby birthing stuff, but for the rest we'll be with you just as much as you want and let us be.

Pat.

Well the pain has stopped and I havent pushed the baby out so guess its just my body gearing up for the real thing,aww I got so excited...oh well means I have one more weekend where Im a mummy to just the one child!!

wont be long now then you you have two amazing wee souls to cuddle!!!

But I hope you aren't thinking you will have the whole weekend to wait are you?...most times after a day like that you only have, at most 48 hours to wait.

How exciting!!!...get as much rest as you can...cos you know how tired you are going to feel.

Im hoping I dont have to wait the whole weekend but Im prepared to wait coz if I expect too much I'll get dissapointed