where to when there Isnt help?

So im not one to vent, but there is a first for everything.
I have been waging war on myself and fighting depression for more than half my life now and it hasnt gotten better.
I self mutilate and its never pretty when i do, cutting isnt so much the issue its more the bleeding, I tend to lose alot, operations, blood transfusions and admissions, which are all horrible and shameful experiences, I put my body and my mind through a fair bit of trauma when i get really unwell. over the last few months ive felt my self going under again, i was, well..., igzisting prior to my recent fall from reality, im in a long term relationship, im involved in therapy and have really been trying hard to live.
a couple of weeks ago i lost it, and when i get to this point logic goes out the window, i pretty much operate on auto pilot, something snaps and i dont feel in control. I bled out pretty bad, and stuff began to unravil pretty quick this is where the alarm bells started ringing so i asked for help which is really hard for me to do and i dont do it until im really bad. i thought if i reached out, got somewhere safe things might be ok, ya know ,i didnt want to be going down this road and i didnt want my partner to have to deal with me
And so i was sent to respite, which is all well and good, they are nice people with good intentions and im sure its great for people to take a break when they are not coping, nice meals and the staff are not always on your case like nurses are, which i prefer i cant stand not having my freedom. but i think i was too far gone and unstable to be there.
I ended up going for a walk one day and i just kept walking, i must have walked for 6 hours, there but not really there, no alcahole, no drugs just gone. i was found in botanical gardens by police and i had done alot of damage and was not in a good state. i then wound up in hillmorton with kronic feinds and nurses with one priority, to zonk you out with their ridiculous medications. being back in this situation and this space i just feel utterly hopless, so far nothing has worked for me, not medication, not therapy, not even mindsight (which is an absolute waste of time and energy) even the one thing that used to bring me pleasure, horses, dont seem to make me feel better which is really gutting for me. anyway long story short my partner picked me up on friday from hospital and i have just continued to fall further and further away, maybe i left too soon. last night i was really struggling, so who do you contact when you feel your a danger to yourself? one would assume you would contact the profesionals people in a position to help with situations like this. so i called psych emergency, i explained my situation to the man on the phone, all he wanted from me was my name so he could read my file. i was told if i wanted help i would need to present myself at a&e which wasnt possible becuase im miles out of town. because i never gave a name he asked if i was a client in mindsight and if i was under dave crslile? when i said yes he told me okay, 'im going to hang up now, talk to your case manager on monday'. after this conversation it dawned on me that because of what they have labled me with, the most misdiagnosed illness ever, borderline personality disorder. there really isnt any help out there for me or for any poor bugger branded bpd for that matter. it truley is a lonely feeling to know there is no way to get through this. so last night i basically drank myself to sleep just so i didnt have to be in my head anymore. i dont know why iam like this, i have amazing friends a caring kind boyfriend but im just not happy, something is missing and as hard as i have tried to find it its just not there, i cant see a future, this thing is just eating away at me. i have always been pretty independent, and have just tried to manage this on my own but i cant anymore, but asking for help is a joke. im at an all time low.
i realize psych emergency have to deal with alot of people and they are really understaffed but their way of handling things is just wrong, in the past when i have been able to get to the ed department i was treated so unfairly it blew me away. one women, whom i think you should avoid (tisha bradley) dealt with me, i didnt even get to say anything, she red my diagnoses and said 'i have had to deal with people like you all night and im sick of it' she really let me have it and it became so personal i left to fill out a complaint which i wasnt able to because she had security escort me out, now if it had been someone else, being spoken to like that in a time of crises it just may have been enough to push them over the edge. these people are in a position to help but where is that help? government mental health organisations in new zealand are in a sad sad state, the whole thing needs to be knocked down and started again, they need to pull finger and stop worrying about their precious funding its full of drs just in it for the money, its sadning to me. which is why im going to expose the department, they need to take responsibility for all the unnecisary suicides under their watch.
well im done, sorry guys for all my spelling errors, not bothered if no one reads this, just had to get it out, throw it into cyber space.

Hi Snow White,

First i would like to say that i really feel for you and your troubles, sounds as though it has been tough going for you of late. I can only hope things do get better soon for you and you find the will and strength to get yourself there.

I also have to say that i know exactly were you are coming from as my experiences are the same. When i was at my lowest and cried out for help to the very people who are suppose to be trained and specialized to do these roles and then reach someone who seems to have no real clue as to what place we are really in. To be given the procedural questions of have you visited so so website or have you been on the CBT course, the answer being yes and yes.... when they have the details in your case notes is no help to me what so ever. I have called every number i had the will power to search for and every person par a few that were a least more talkative (i put it down to inquisitiveness) ended in me putting down the phone with no comfort what so ever. It just mad me more lost and more alone with even less avenues to tun for help.

I was twice hospitalized and both times i was treated by the psych nurse with so much disrespect it I was in disbelief that these are the people that are relied upon by some that is in a very vulnerable state. I did not have the will power to make a complaint at the time i had hardly enough energy to face each day. I could not even contemplate filling out forms or jump the hoops and red tap you need to go through to make a complaint. I guess this is why these so called professionals are still able to go along with what they are doing! Months later i phoned the Hospital to complain i was told it would be looked into and i would be contacted..... they didn't and i gave up again. I also realized that getting any sort of help from the system was futile. I don't have the money for the private option currently either so all i could do is crawl back in my hole. I have lost faith, lost faith in people and lost faith in the "system".

My realization of not getting real help and being treated with total disrespect was Ingrid Oćonner and Pip Byrt at middlemore hospital. I really could not believe or imagined that some one would be treated in such a manor in such a traumatic time. I was really hoping for support not the total opposite. I have no respect for these people or what they do anymore as I know it is a shame and my trust and faith in them is gone. The thing is the know they can treat people like they do because they keep getting away with it, as the vulnerable have no were to turn.

I just want to say that you are not alone and not the only one who has experienced such negative support, and also feels such a way. I hope you find the strength to work your way through things.

thanx mate, well i said i would expose them and i have. keep an eye on the press everyone, i had an interview with a journalist the other day she seemed very interested and thinks there is a story, she was even shocked to learn ect still goes on. i wont be named though for fear of how the system would treat me, but the information will be out there, its high time the system had a shake up