I've come from TradeMe, I post on there as bill241

I have come to the conclusion that I might be depressed. I need to work up the courage to go to the doctor but it means admitting that there may be something horribly wrong with me. It feels like my mind is filled up with dark thoughts and that at any minute I could just change from the person I am and become some kind of monster. I can't be rational anymore or tell myself I am a good person. I spend a lot of time trapped in my thoughts, and I am afraid to let go and relax because I will be prone to giving in to negative feelings and lose my sense of who I am. At some very low moments I have wondered, in a detached, not very lucid sort of way, about whether there is any point in going on, because some part of me thinks that I must be a bad person if I have horrible thoughts that I cannot help, even though the very fact that they upset me and terrify me must surely mean that I could never think of acting on them.
My mum suffers from depression and she thinks I might also. I have been able to talk to her about how I feel and to my boyfriend, but I feel all talked out now and I just want it to stop.

Hi there Rosie,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling, just ask some of the other regulars here - I was like that that around 2 or 3 months ago here.

It is worth going to see your doctor, and with a support person - I made the decision to see my doctor but didn't want to do it alone. I had my husband with me because I needed an excuse [i]not to [i] pull out of the appointment.

Paddy here also very kindly sent me a book from the library here which I read and found I was ticking to many boxes for me not to be regarded as depressed. I kept this from my husband at the time and it was only because my moods and feelings were exactly as you had described that he started to become very vocal about what was going on. He looked up on the history on the computer to find that I had been logging on here frequently and decided to take a look and see what it was about.

I was ashamed of my self and thought about suicide several times and he read my thoughts and my journal.

Once I had been to the doctor everything became alot more sureal, like "it can't be happening to me" after I was diagnosed by him. I was denying my diagnosis.

Several weeks on, I know that the medication that he prescribed me is helping. I am more accepting of what is happening to me and why.

What really started me thinking was something in that book that Paddy lent to me - the author asked - people look after everything else in their body - their heart, lungs, muscles, teeth etc.

Your brain and mind are part of your body too, and occassionally they need to be helped to.

While we cannot put a plaster on these two things, we can make sure they are healthy by looking after them.

Going to the doctor for the first time is not an admission by you that something is wrong. It is a checkup to ensure your brain and mind are healthy.

That's the way I see it anyway, and I apologise for rambling, but I do hope it helped.

BTW our sign in on trade me is stapco . I havent posted to the depression thread very often there since discovering this site.

Thank you so much mylife, I will take my boyfriend to the doctor with me as a support person.

good to hear and glad i could be helpful.

Hi Rosie
My heart goes out to you i am no expert on depression as i am new to this just recently being diagnosed myself but i must share with you that the way you describe what you are going through sounds exactly how i used to feel before , i am now on medication i feel much better i take each day as it comes each day getting better than the last , yes i definitely recommend going to your doctor and yes i think to take your boyfriend is a good idea my partner has been beside me from day one and her support has been great . I suggest you get some books to help you understand that is what we have done we read a book called taming the big black dog its really good helped me to see who is the me and who is the illness . Also helped my partner to understand . Good luck with things and let us know how you get on . See you round

Awwww big hugs my life

I'm glad you joined Paddys site, they are a good bunch here. I'm also glad that you can speak to your Mother and boyfriend. It is best to have a big support system to help you, both these sites will help. There is nothing to worry about when you see your doctor, major depression is an illness, you would go if you were diabetic, it is along the same lines, major depression usually needs medication to build up the serotonin level in your brain just as a diabetic needs insulin to control the diabetes. It's a shame that there is a stigma to it but it's not our problem, we know better than that.
RE: For me, I found that CBT never helped me but there are different types of counseling check out this site, you might find something that you feel would help, you are also able to phone them on their free 0800 number, they are professional counselors and can give you good advice. If you choose to have counseling talk to your doctor about it when you see him/her.
http://www.depression.org.nz/?gclid=CISI98zV25wCFSUsawodwAaAJQ

sorry me, what is cbt?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

ok ta, thanks for helping out the blonde...

I've been feeling pretty light and cheery since I just owned up to it, so to speak, and told my loved ones, but there's this general feeling of unhappiness and self-loathing in the background, and it just takes part of the joy out of everything. But on the other hand, its a lot easier to be reasonable and tell myself I'm a good person who deserves to be happy than it was, now that other people have told me that they have been that way too. Not looking forward to going to the doctor and dragging it all up but I'm resigned to it and know it is going to be a good thing no matter how unpleasant it might be. Thanks for all your kind words people

It does help 'coming out' doesn't it? Very liberating. Talking to the doc might just feel that way too once you have done it. And yes, you are a good person, that unhappiness and self loathing are your illness talking and NOT who you are.

i have suffered depression seriously since i have had kids, 8 yrs ago. i ve always had it even as a kid, but never knew, just thought i was sad cause of home life. when i got post natal dep i went on meds and got over it . came off meds until i took a high powered job then nearly had a nervous breakdown. went back on meds 3 times in 4 yrs and now on them again as i got attacked and now have post traumatic stress syndrrom.

i hate the fact i suffer with depressin but i have to face up to it. my mum and her sisters are on prozac for years now so im sure it must be in our family.

thing is now ive takin a liking to zanex, i tend to take one when im stressed oout and love the feeling they give me, i also smoke weed so i have a very addictive personaltiy but never get out of control. ive got 2 kids now and i do a great job wqith them, its more relationships with men. my new man of 2 yrs finds it hard that im so moody.

well there's me.
hope u are all feeling good today xxxxx and hope to make some friends on here so look forward to hearing from you