First post

First time posting, just signed up today. Just want to know that Im not alone in this hell they call "depression". Im a fit, healthy, attractive 20 year old, I should be enjoying my life, I have a fantastic boyfriend we are renting our own little house, I have family and friends close by, loving pets, have my own car, got an ok-ish job, I have no big worries in terms of money - or anything at all for that matter. So why do I feel so down all the time? Why does it feel like there are wells of tears in my eyes ready to fall if I let my guard down? Why do I randomly flip out and smash my beautiful possessions? Why is it that all I want to do is curl up in a tiny ball and just disappear? Theres no damn reason at all!!! Why is this happening to me??? I can't control it, I punch my head and hit it against walls coz I'm just so frustrated and want this "thing" to get out of my head. It affects the rest of my body too, stress related skin conditions covering my whole body at times, constipation, just general aches all the time. No one seems to understand this, I don't expect them too (how can they?), my parents and boyfriend say "JUST CHEER UP"!! Just. Just. Just. Just. Like its to easy, like its all I have to do. I can't make it just go away, I don't know whats wrong, don't know why I'm crying, if I did know then I would deal with it, but I don't know. Tried to see a school counsellor when I was at college but I couldn't explain what was wrong so she couldn't help me. I want this to stop, please I will do anything, just get this out of my head.

Hi and welcome you are not alone Hugz

Hi,

Depression is very hard to live with. I have been living with it since the age of 13.

Can I offer a couple of tips?

See if you can buy a copy of a book called "The Depression Workbook" by Mary Copeland. You can get it on Amazon or Big Pond or your local bookstore may order it for you. It is a little expensive (bout $50) but worth it. You go through the book and answer questions on how you feel, what makes you feel like that, what you do when you are happy/sad etc. I learnt a lot about my depression from doing the work book. I then asked my partner if she wanted to look at my answers so she could have a better understanding of my depression.

Being in a relationship with someone with depression is hard. I know it was hard on my ex. Sometimes I would shut down, drink etc. Sometimes she blamed herself for my dark moods or thought she had don something wrong when she hadnt. Communication is the key.

Another thing I did was I asked my partner if she wanted to go to one of my psyc appointments with me so she could sk some questions she had. She found it helpful.

As for the self-harm, can you find another outlet for i instead of banging your head against the wall as it hurts I know lol. Maybe go for a walk, get a punching bag etc.

Stay well

Hi JaeBee,

It's not easy to live with and sometimes there doesn't have to be any wrong and you'll start crying or flip out etc, it's hard but you learn ways to deal with it. You're definitely not alone in it.


Thanks Ros for the mention of that book sounds of interest to me but do you think it would work for someone with bipolar??

Hey LC,

Yes it could be of help to you, below is an extra about the workbook from the Bipolar Support Canterbury website:

The Depression Workbook " A Guide For Living With Depression & Manic Depression "

Mary Ellen Copeland . M. S, New Harbinger Publications, Inc, 1992

The Depression Workbook is an essential tool to assist people struggling with depression and mania to gain insight into these illnesses. This insight empowers the reader to actively enter a life long journey of healing and wellness.

They also list a few other books they have reviewed and think may be helpful. Their website is:
http://www.bipolarsupportcanterbury.org.nz/index.php

.

Thanks Ros some interesting books on that list, most that I want it would seem the library doesn't hold. Will keep looking though

Hi Jaebee and welcome to TBBD

Have you thought about getting a medical check up, blood tests, a general check-up and at the same time letting your Gp know how life is for you. Hopefully he/she can put you in touch with people/ organisations who can also help.

Is it possible for you to ring a help line when you get to the stage of wanting to hurt yourself?

I'm glad you found TBBD and hope we can help, keep writing here, it helps

Take care

Poetry

Hi all, Thanks for your replys. Yeah I've been to the Doc, Im on citalopram 20mg. Seem to be working but its no miracle cure. I havn't really told my doctor just how bad things can get, I said Im not coping but didn't go into detail, and he didn't ask. I scare myself sometimes when I get into a real dark place. Its really hard to tell someone how Im feeling coz just like I can't turn it off I can't turn it on either, I mean I can't sit down in the doctors office and put on a big depressed show for him. Also I feel like I am being selfish, I don't want to tell my family how I am feeling coz I don't want to put that burden on them, esp. my Mum I'm sure she blames herself. When Im in my dark place Im thinking and doing things that are not me at all.