Is it bad to feel help-less?

well i havnt really posted on here bout myself really but now sinc another depression fourm i used to go on is closing down i guess i have to turn to here...

well atm i really dont know where i am,what im doing and why. death ison my mind continuiously has been for years but it just feels like a go day to day with fake feelings and no real emotion like i cant even tell my closest friends how i REALLy feel,last year i began to open up but now im just back to faking things even with people that i share everything with,i just cant seem to tell anyone.
im scared that if i tell ill get put into hospital,and in a way i want to get better but i have been like this for years and i really do not believe ill ever be better.
I was digonosed with D.I.D had it since i was four,first went to a councilla just befor i turned 5 was dignosed with depression,anixity,O.C.D(when i was really little i used to count things over and over again and obsesse about them just counting, also with touching things its like if i see something no matter how far away i will go straight to it and touch it and then the next thing i see i will have to touch it even if i saw something miles away and ignored it i have to go back to it or i get extremely upset and ant function,also straightning things-things have to be perfectly in order..ill arange book shelves..colour order things..height or size..ect.
Over the years iv had to train myself to get out of it and try to control myself or else i just cant stop.
im suicidal,multiple personality dissorder..ah i cant remember all the things they have labeled me ...theres just too many

i really cant be stuffed writting out my life story so ill just try explain a bit..
i was taken away from my birth parents when i was 3 months old they were deef,druggies and too intoxicated to take care of me..they have 6 other children all taken away.
I was adopted by my mothers sister(who i call my mum) and her husband(who i call my dad) they both acholic,dad violent and was abused as a child..-they usally say if someone was abused as a child they do that to there kids(some not all though but its more likely)....We can just miss the next part....
Parents broke up when i was 5/6 dad left mum for another man DAD=GAY
mum burnt down house and tryed to kill herself inside it...she got burnts not died how burnt down..mum taken to mental unit..
dad tryed to kill himself...
BLA de dahhh shit happernd inbetween..ect..mum fled country..dad left..me with no one put with grandparents..dad try kill himself-too unsafe for me to be with him...mum not sane enough to look after me..=me with grandparents...2003 moved in with dad and his fuckerrrr multuple sucide attempts from me....
4 partners later dad got with a guy that i hated..i call him 'whats his face' dad chose him over me said he was his family not me...i gave him death threats,attempted to kill him...cops not called cuz dad knew i would tell them EVERYTHING and he would get put in jail or get charges..
CYFS took me away last yr in OCTOBER
put in girls home
now have christian caregivers who im ify about

one of my clostest friends monika comited suicide 16/2/09
now im at loss to now what me n her had a life pact that has now turned into a death pact...i stick to my word but since im still alive i feel like iv failed her...

i go to tharpy weekly

but now i know i seem good but inside i feel like im dieing, im attempted suicide well over 14 times iv lost count and this is the real stuff not the little maybe suicides this is real time things...and it feels like iv failed that..i dont want to be alive but ut seems no matter how hard i try i just dont die..i guess i dont try hard enough..

im so angry at myself that i cant do what i always should have done..be dead..iv known its my purpose in life from the begining

i feel so helpless and i just dont know what to do...i dont know if ill wake up tomorrow or the next or the next..i dont know if in 2 sec il go kill myself or if in 50 years ill still be trying..everything JUST EVERYTHING is surounded by death and it eats away at me day after day after day...i dont know what im asking for anyone to do cuz i know you need to help yourself before others can help you but i reallly just dont know..its ike everyday goes by with no conection to anything just a day nothing more,i live today and then tomorrrow comes theres no meaning and i feel no purpose..i need help i know i do..i just dont think anyone can..i feel like im helpless.

olivia, are you coming to chat?

Olivia,
No wonder you feel as you do, it's more than anyone should have to go through. I don't know what to say or how to help, but if there is anything I can do let me know. One thing I do know though, you need to show them how you are feeling inside, don't try and hide it cause it will do no good.
Doctors are only human they don't know everything, if you are able to let it all out they might give you a different diagnosis, the right one for you.
I believe that we all end up like as we are in order to survive, which makes us the strong ones, but to get better we have to take a chance on the doctors and tell them everything.