I have issues..

Yes its true..i accept it now.
theres grief issues for me centered around the death of my son.I realise that there was nothing that could be done to help him,in a way his death was a blessing..he was suffering a great deal.
Im not sure what the issue is,i accept that hes gone,it was 9 years ago..but still its just hard not to think that he took his last breath in my arms.There's blackness where there should be memories.Miss you dallyman

There's my issues with depression which has ruled my life for the past 12 years,
the painfull period were after my marriage broke up i spun completely out of control for 18 months,this was the "great depression",a severe meltdown i starved myself to a skeletal state,the corners of my mouth split open when i yawned or laughed,the hairs on my legs fell out completely,i drank and drugged everyday,i developed a stutter and couldn't talk properly,on one occassion i couldn't remember my name.I wanted to die and came very close to actioning a plan to do so..thats when i first went for help,ten years ago,i was recovering from it all when son died.

did i mention that my son and daughter are both special needs kids?not that its an issue for me,just interesting in the context of it all,freakin ironic twists this world has in store for us all at times eh?

back to my issues,
alcohol abuse well thats just a given for someone like me,acctually its improved in recent times.At one stage i decided on death through alcohol and proceeded to drink everything i could lay my hands on.ive slept in parks,shop doorways,been homeless,beaten,arrested.

relationship issues
always..love/hate dysfunctional style that blow apart as quickly as they form.I always come out broken.I just cant handle it anymore.
which is a shame because im hanging out to love some one(apparently thats the problem)

i'll get back with some more issues soon
oh in the past year ive had a heart attack and lost everything i had in the quake

i have issues regarding a relationship i was in 4? 5? years ago.My partner used to like hitting me,we were a big drinking couple,which was all good when things were happy..but then she would nut off and attack.Heres me at 6 2" copping it from a partner of 5 1".I was wasted one night she hit me with something and i ended up with a bruise that covered half my face.
You would think someone would just leave in a situation like that eh?not me..
i think i felt like i deserved the violence...during the great depression part of my life i used to stand in front of the mirror and punch myself in the head/face,so getting the bash from someone who is supposed to love you wasnt uncommon for me.
Her sleeping around with others however was a different story alltogether...

so many issues ..i have issues about my issues.
sometimes i tell people about my life and they dont believe me,
im enjoying this board,
i like being able to blurt it all out.im at home today cause i have an infection in my foot,im off to the doc soon..i will be getting some anti depressants too.
staying off the booze
hope this latest episode passes soon,ive been in turmoil for weeks now.plus im giving up smoking and thats screwed my sleeping up.
i feel exhausted

i really need to record this somewhere,so that it loses its power over me.
my latest meltdown was triggered by a rejection
i was in cyber love..a girl i was just nuts about.
everynight we would message back and foward all night.
it was magic..she is a really funny and bright person,it was easy to lose three or four hours reading her stuff.I can write some good things to when im in the mood.We shared some sexy times online as well.
we talked about meeting,she was in the north island and i was going to fly up.
She was going to be shifting to CHCH.We talked about destiny,the future,she thought we were meant for each other,we made plans.
it sounds crazy i no,but there were powerfull feelings flowing.It was never enough just to say good night and log off,we would txt good night as well.
like smitten lovers not wanting to be the first to hang the phone up,breaking the connection..
so the bubble burst..she suddenly became to" busy",wasn't on line..never rang when she said she would.there were no more kisses and hugs sent my way via her txts,i asked if she had gone off me,she denied that
But it was true..there was a gapeing hole in my heart that told me so,the dark feelings rushed in.I wondered how long my love messages to her had been unwanted?how much of it had been real?when and why did it change?
The person who i had been falling for was gone,she would avoid questions duck and dive,she became cyber Ali,she was playing with me.
I was humiliated by it all
The message board community we met on was my support network,i had been there for a number of years.I exploded lashing out at people and being abusive,i deleted..ive talked to her a couple of times since,i was drunk and said stupid things which gave her the excuse to hate and delete me from her life..but thats cool cause i dont wish to talk with her,however it would have been nice if i could have kept my composure.
so thats my little cyber love story,on the scale of my life its nothing,yet ive melted down over it and am now stuck in a deep hole.
I have become a very weak person in recent years,simple little things fester in my mind..i dont have the inner resources left to fight things

i wonder if this is a place where i interact with people?
or do i just talk with myself?
im calm now
its been good to post..maybe thats enough

hi jeff.. sorri i havent replyed before now i have only just seen ur posts.. you have been thru a lot and im sori to hear your struggling so much at the moment. i cannot imagine losing a child and am so so sori that you have had to go thru that, i think that has to be one of the most hardest things a person can go thru ((((((hugs))))))

how is your foot and did you get the anti d's?

it sounds like things have been real tuff jeff, just wen you were starting to work thru some things you lost your boy, that must of thrown a huge spanner in the works. am really glad you have made it thru this far though jeff, think you may just be stronger than you feel!!

i understand how what is seemingly a little thing n the great big scheme of things can send you into meltdown mode, its a bit like the straw that broke the camels back. would of been hard putting all that time love and energy into that online relationship and then having her treat you that way. its very hard to tell if pple are genuine online but can also be easy to want to believe something so much that we get suckered in without realising it.. i dont no all the circumstances and perhaps neither do you, there maybe a genuine reason for her to have done what she did but weather or not thats the case it doesnt make it any easier for you does it?

it can be really usefull to write stuff out so keep posting for as long as it helps. i dont get on all the time but i will keep an eye out for your posts k?

your not alone jeff, we're all here going thru one issue or another, just gotta keep trying to put one foot n front of the other. big hugsssss to you and i hope you get to feeling better real soon

Thanks for careing,and nice to meet you,

The foot ended up being all the doc could deal with,it was worse than i thought ,red infection was starting to spread up my leg.
ive been on the couch for the past two days.
on Monday i go back and we can sort the antis out then..

ouch! glad you got to see doc for foot alteast!

Least the foot issue is diverting my attention from the other issues
acctually the moods not bad tonight
how are you?

am pretty tired tonite, gonna head to bed n a mo..had a longgggggggg day at a family function, way to many pple there for my liking, and lots of realitives that i know im supposed to know who they are but dont! so had to fumble my way thru conversations eeeeeeeeek.

got any plans for 2mroow?

will be another day on the couch i expect,
cant put shoes on ha
and i have no car so i wont be walking anywhere
lucky the world cups on so i got something to watch
sleep well,and thanks again for careing
catch you next time..

another sleepless night,
this morning ive been in my bed tortureing myself with an embarrassing moment that happened on Friday.
The GP i went to was a new one,out at the admin desk they were takeing my details.
I gave my sister as a contact person,shes in Wanganui
they wanted somebody in CHCH.
"do you have anyone in CHCH?"
"no i dont"
"its in case you faint or something"
"sorry"
"are you sure?you must have someone"
"no i dont have anyone..sad eh?"
"sorry i didnt mean it that way"
then i go back to sit down in a room full of people wondering how much of it they heard.
it just blows peoples minds to realise that there are people alone in the world eh?
I hate it when people find out that im alone.Its humilateing.

I remember a guy who was quite different from the person i am now..
i lived in small town NZ
was well liked in the community,loved acctualy.
had a happy ,loving marriage
beautiful kids..loads of laughs,i was a good dad.
Quite the star in the local rugby team,not the best player , but well liked for my commitment,my humour
i was always busy working,owned a house..was self employed.
i dabbled around with gardening,grew a bit of pot
there was always a barbecue/party to go to.
just a normal person..i remember wondering if i was happy or not at times back then..ha how naieve

that was last century..times change

when im awake at this time of the morning,the problems dont seem too big.
latter they will increase inside,and anxieties will kick in.
im off to work today..my foot is not well enough but i have no choice
big deal,,truely nobody cares
i have learnt that my problems in life dont matter
i only have problems when i have an expectation that others will give a shit.
I have a sister who is" supportive" to me
she says all the right things..truth is i am a tick box for her.
she supports me cause its the right thing to do,not because she wants too..i see her do it with other members of my family,she says its not like that with me but it is.
im not a stupid person,i see things.
sure im a bit paranoid,thats part of my issues.
But just because your paranoid,dosent mean someones not out to get you.

I think of myself as a really ugly looking person
ive never had feed back from people telling me im good looking or anything like that
and ive never asked anyone
its just what i think
people have told me i look rough tho,and like a crim..a physco.
ha
that was ok when i was younger
now i just feel ugly

work..i just dont want to go.
foot hurts
im tired
boss is all pissy at me cause i took friday off,the fact that my foot was swollen and i had a giant pussy blister that prevented me from putting a boot on wont matter to him
i just cant face it all
but i have to..otherwise theres no money for the rent
im on my own,theres nobody else to rely on.
Doctors tonight,and i will finally get my hands on some anti meds
hopefully they will be so powerfull that i will never feel anything again
i mean that too,totally.
im not suicidal..but i know with out a doubt that if i didnt have children,and if i owned a gun,well you wouldnt be reading this.

ok,
Its time to nut up.
back on meds..check,i no it takes weeks for it to hit but least im under way.
ive organized some counciling
now ive gotta start moving in other areas
my health,diet..has gotta get better..the shit i eat sticks to my stomach wall and makes me feel heavy and lethargic,plus all the fried stuff is bad for my heart..i know better,i can eat healthy and im going to.
ive gotta ease up on the piss,or preferably stop altogether,specially while im takeing the antis..
ive gotta be more responsible with my money,so im not broke and freaking bout rent money not being there..jesusjeff you make enough,make it work for you man
thats all for know..i need to do these things
ive had enough of being sick