Anyone else suffer with body issues?

The last couple of weeks have been bad for me. Im not coping with the heat, my temper is barely controlled and thats without the issues i have with my self image.

Yesterday i nearly lost it. I wanted to self harm so bad... it took all my strength to stop myself.
Because of health issues i have been unable to be active and as a result i have gained about 16kg in the last 3 years. When my weight goes up, my self image goes down and yesterday it hit rock bottom. I wanted to smash every mirror in the house and had to stop even looking down at myself. My stomach has always been big, but lately it bugs me so much that i have wanted to take a knife to myself and slash my stomach. I look in the mirror and all i see is an ugly, revolting, disgusting fat pig and i feel like i want to vomit. We had some family photo's taken two weeks ago and after seeing the way i look in them, i want to rip the prints up and destroy the disc cos they are revolting.
The intensity of these feelings frighten me, even sitting here i want to scratch up my face and cut myself. Trying to explain it to hubby last night was near on pointless. He thought telling me he doesnt see me that way would help or that he had to fix me. As i said to him, it doesnt matter what he says or thinks, its my self image that is the problem and theres nothing he can do to fix that.

I know we are starting the gym soon, but right now, at this very moment, im so tense from trying to control the self harm urges and i feel like i want to scream. I want to break something, punch something so i break my knuckles or take to myself with the closest sharp object.
Yesterday i did something im not proud of... i took codiene and panadol as a way to calm myself down, then later on i took my amitrip and washed it down with my old mate jack. All i wanted to do was sleep so i didnt have to feel like this and although i woke up feeling somewhat better, the later in the day it gets, the more the intensity of those same feelings return. I have to isolate myself so i dont nut off at the others in the house, including hubby.

I dont want to feel like this and although i know i only have another week to wait till i can start at the gym, i just dont know how i can overcome these feelings right here right now. I just want to numb that part of my brain off.

Not really posting for advice, more to just get these feelings out of my head somewhat.

teaspoon,
thinking of you, while you fight your demons, i know that these feeling will eventually dissapear, and i know that doesnt help much at the moment, but try hard to keep your chin up and keep on ventting on here to keep yourself safe.
only a week till you can do something positive for it, count down time. Yay!
we all love you
Big Massive ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) for you.
KandM

Just letting you know that I too am thinking of you. I know how hard these feelings are to deal with and I hope you make it through. Be kind to yourself and perhaps if you can, utry the controlledbreathing technique in the helpful hints section. Stay strong and take care

hugs

Monsta

1tsp I know how having a bad self body image is a horrible and debilitating state of mind...I hate the way I look too...except I am at the opposite side of the coin...I am skinny...too skinny...I hate mirrors cos what I see looking back is a skeleton covered with skin that is a mass of lines and wrinkles with 1000's of freckles thrown in just to add the final touch...I do have a female shape but think that is more due to the fact that I have stuff all inside me...and I have no boobs, I cant even buy a swimsuit or top that has any shaping to accommodate them as it looks like I am a little girl playing dressup...on the very odd occasion that I 'go out' I spend the whole time feeling miserable cos I always seem to be surrounded by women who have a real female body with curves and bumps all where they should be.

I have had the same 'talk' with my hubby as you tried the other night...and got exactly the same response!!!...must be a male thing for them to figure that if they dont have a problem with the way we look then neither should we.

I am sorry that I dont have the perfect solution to bad body image...if I did then I wouldnt be in the same boat.

So you stay strong and safe...and come talk to us bunch when you feel like it is all just way to much...you know that we all care about you.

I can so relate.I have had body issues since I was 7.I had puppy fat so I ate because I am an emotional eater,becasue I ate I gained weight,the puppy fat would have gone with growing but I ate because I was convinced I was doomed.The heavier I got the more I ate,then I suffered from anorexia and bulimia,its still a daily struggle for me and all I can say is if you need to avoid a mirror,do it!!

Hi all, thank you for your messages, i do truly appreciate them and am glad to know im not alone in how i feel. Good news is, those feelings have passed for now and im not having anywhere near as intense feelings now.
I know things will change once i start the gym and although i will find it bloody hard to start with i know i will stick with it and be able to make some changes for me for the better. Oh and i have also upped my meds again to help with the irritability and feelings of self harm. Thanks again ladies your support means a lot, more than you will know.