Filled with warm fuzzies (and banana milkshake)

So this weeks discovery for me is how carthartic writing is. I have shed some tears over what other people have written on their posts and I have taken inspiration from others. My previous post was on how I had given up drinking for 2 years this week.

I feel a bit guilty about accidently making myself out to be a raging alcoholic - I wasn't, or don't think I was. But I was one of those typical kiwi male drinkers who started binge drinking young and never quite got out of the habit. So I would drink one or two nights a month...but WAY too much. Enough that it made me suffer for over a week afterwards.

So here's something I've observed and learned about myself - I know that I am an all or nothing person. I don't do moderation very well. I find it easier not to drink than I do to try and be moderate and feel bad about myself when/if I fail. I would rather forgo the pleasure of having a cold beer on a hot day or a glass of wine with a meal, if it means risking "falling off the wagon" and getting back into bad habits. (wow - maybe I am an alcoholic...I feel like it reading this.)

I certainly know I am prone to addictve behaviours - I think many people who suffer from depression do it as a form of escapism and seek the dopamine/endorphine rush. I have moved away from many self destructive behaviours, but substituted them with others. I used to gamble. Then I started gaming on computers. Combined them with a dreadful foray into internet gambling. Moved on to playing games on my phone , then reading 10 books a week. Now I'm running!

Eventually, anyone with an addictive personality has to stop and ask what they are trying to avoid. I have done that lately and know that it is all a form of isolating myself. If I am having a bad day/week/month, I don't want others to be affected, so I take myself off and withdraw using these things as enablers.

As a married man with two young children, this is unfair on my family and they let me know it. So I begrudgingly (at times) try to re-engage in life and what do you know - often it breaks the cycle.

With the right medication, plenty of exercise, and a committment to educate myself about depression - my life gets better year by year. It's not always great, but I can cope with the downs a whole lot better when they do happen.

I used to wish people who didn't understand depression could feel what I felt - just for a day. Now I wish everyone who reads this could feel what I feel right now - just for a day...and then another...and another... Life is good and I am making it that way.

Arohanui x

Justin

That's an awesome post.

I know what you mean on the whole good mood thing. I had one recently a week or so after starting Venlafaxine, it's amazing how much joy depression sucks out of life. Sitting down to enjoy some music while I had that good mood was wonderful. It's one memory I'll try and lock away as a reminder, that things do get better.

mmmmm banana milkshake. Warm fuzzies are even better though.

i've been sick the last few days, just a dodgy tummy, but thismorning I woke feeling fine. that was such a relief!.. it lasted til about 2.30 then I had to sleep.. but now , after 11pm i'm still feeling fine.. not sleepy but fine.

Depression is , I agree totally energy sapping....
It reminds me of when i was breast feeding... it was hard work but i felt good that i did it for a long time, then when I stopped.. finally weaning son no 2... I had SO much more energy!.. I had had no idea how much it had taken from me. maybe thats why we have the down / bad / drainign days

so we can truely appreciate the good ones

Good morning justin, what a wounderful post, you are just going from strength to strength, its wonderful!

i hear ya about "all or nothingness" I strggle with that, i cant drink alcohol becuase once i start, i cant stop so i deny myself the first drink.I do it with food too but that swings in both directions, it is easier for me to stop eating all together than it is to limit what i eat I either exersize alot, or not at all the list goes on..

im so glad Justin that life is going good! i really love reading your posts, keep up the amazing work, your doing so great!