Update from Bluezero (caution some content may offend/trigger you)

Good Morning Everyone.

I hope everybody's weekend has gone to a good start.
Update from me - I am doing well, I haven't overdosed or anything since July 17. I plan to keep it that way. The deal is still on with my family and friends. If I don't do anything till July 17 next year, they will give me $100 each.
I think it's an awesome deal. I could do with the money. lol.

I hope everybody is well. I recently won an art scholarship for an Art School next year. I will be attending The Learning Connexion in Taita Wellington. I was so happy when I won it. I didn't expect to win it. My family and friends are happy for me too. In the meantime I'm just fluffing around. I do go to the day group called Connect South once or twice a week.

I may be leaving the Clinic soon. No more psychiatrist and no more care manager. I'm getting sick of going there. At the end of the day its your responsibility to do the hard work and make the efforts to be well.

I'm only leaving because I'm not happy with the way they are treating me. Most of you know I am deaf with a cochlear implant. Ok get this, they are making me use the normal phone to ring them when I need support. Now it's not a matter of how well you can speak, its a matter of how well you can HEAR. They think I can HEAR everything but I can't. I can HEAR them but NOT what they are saying. It's the clarity I don't understand. We recently had a meeting with the care manager, a lady from the mental health line, my mum and I went along to it, everything we said went over their heads. They wouldn't budge they won't let me use the deaf relay. The deaf relays enables the deaf/hard of hearing person to type to a relay assistant, they will speak for you, and the other person on the end will speak back, then the relay assistant listens then types their reply back to you. My parents prefer me ringing them on the deaf relay because it just gets too frustrating on the phone, not being able to hear everything. I might go higher and make a complaint about it. What happens if I was really depressed and I needed their help, all they will do is hang up on me again and tell me to use the normal phone. It's not very professional. They were like you can hear on the phone, so you have to use the normal phone like everybody else. But Hellooooo I am deaf for a reason.... I was born deaf. Do they need a doctors certificate to say that I am legally deaf? I mean of all people, you would expect them to be more understanding right? Well bollocks to them.

I had a screaming match at my care manager a few weeks ago. I said a lot of bad language. Only because I was upset that they hung up on me when I was on the deaf relay wanting support. Even thinking about it now is giving me a headache. But I'll leave that aside for the moment.

I got fired from The Red Cross as well. Because they couldn't cope with my limitations in communication. That is discrimination. I was working on the till, steaming the clothes out the back, helping customers. I didn't even THINK that there was a problem. The boss texted me one day and said Sorry we can't have you any more because of your limitations in using the steamer and the till work. I translated that into that they didn't want me there because I am deaf. I mean I was a really good worker, I put up with the boss being picky on me, I was polite and friendly to all of the people in the shop. I took the days takings to the bank and I never stole a cent from them, and this is how they treat me. Well bollocks to them.

Wow I'm getting this all off my chest, I feel so much better now although I have a headache which is normal for me.

I emailed the neurosurgeon the other day. I have a medical condition. Hydrocephalus. It's water on the brain. I have a tube in my brain to my stomach to drain out the fluid. 5% of people who get that, get daily headaches and migraines every day. I have been getting migraines and headaches every day since I was 11 years old. (No wonder why I feel depressed sometimes). So I wrote to the neurosurgeon asking him if there's any new medication or treatment out that I can try out. I'm desperate for the headaches and migraines to stop. I want my quality of life to be better. I've had some people say to me that I should be grateful that I'm living. But the doctor said I could have died if I didn't have a emergency operation when I was 11. Sometimes I wake up and wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to put up with the pain. Although I have attempted suicide a number of times, none have worked. I don't think I really want to die, I do want to live but without pain. I hardly go out to social events or parties none of the stuff a normal 24 year old normally do. Oh well Just have to wait till the doctor emails me back. I don't think hes happy that I emailed him directly but it's easy to figure out their email address. But I am sick of going through to the GP, then the GP get onto the doctor. I rather be direct.

I still live on my own with my cat mischief. I kept her inside last night because of the fireworks. I think she managed it okay. Probably because I was asleep very early yesterday. I have had a headache for 3 days now. That's nothing new but I'm hoping it will be changing soon.

I think my post is a bit long now but never mind. I hope everybody else is doing well and are looking forward to free presents at xmas. lol.

You all take care and see you all later in chat sometime.

Bye for now.

Bluezero.

*sigh* Mental health care in this country is the pits, it really is. Luckily places like TBBD are here, where we can get advice and vent if we need to.

I don't think any suicidal person wants to actually die. It just seems like it's the only way out at the time. There's a nice quote I read somewhere that says it best, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Congrats on the scholarship, following your passions in life is definitely the way to go.

Do your migraines have a trigger?

I was prescribed some medication for nausea that is actually meant for migraines. It is not fully funded so costs around 30.00 a month if you take it daily. I can't recall what it is called but they are very small tablets that you put under your top lip and just leave there to dissolve. Your doc will know what they are called. Apparently they haven't been around long.

Blue Zero's problems are clearly not temporary, and in my opinion based on what she's said, thoughts of suicide are not unwarranted.

I don't agree that you should feel lucky you be alive. You are in constant pain. You've been dealt a pretty shetty hand from what I can see. And I empathise for you.

Hey guys

Thanks for the replies. I've been on the dis solvable medication that goes under your tongue. Or maybe that was the anti psychotic? I can't remember.

I'm just waiting for the neurosurgeon to email me back. If I haven't heard by Friday I will email him again. I do want these headaches/migraines to go away before my art course next year. I'll hate to miss a day just because of a headache.

I just had an hour nap. It helped a tiny wee bit.

Hope everybody is having a good weekend.

Bluezero

Hello bluezero ..... so good to hear from you. I like the contract you have with family and friends!

Congratulations on the Art School Scholarship. I hope you really enjoy the course.

How terribly unhelpful (to say the least) of people at the clinic. I'll bet your Mum was disgusted and upset for you too. A complaint is a good idea.

I'm so surprised at Red Cross - sacking by text????!! Goodness me, how rude (once again, to say the least).

And the headaches must be so wearing - good on you for emailing the neursurgeon. I do hope you can get a med that helps.

Hugs, Daze

jaffakiwi wrote:Blue Zero's problems are clearly not temporary, and in my opinion based on what she's said, thoughts of suicide are not unwarranted.

I don't agree that you should feel lucky you be alive. You are in constant pain. You've been dealt a pretty shetty hand from what I can see. And I empathise for you.

Being suicidal is a temporary problem and thoughts of suicide are never warranted.

Guess we'll just have to disagree on that one.

Sends a big hug to Blue.

reading this has pissed me off, I am already feeling grumpy with 'the powers that be' and to see that they wont let you use a phone that you need to ....th e rotten shit heads. when will those in higher places realize that we are not all the bloody same, and really can not all be treated the same.

Congratulations on winning a scolarship. that is so cool Blue.

Migraines, also get them, and have had a huge round of them just this past week, the longest string of them for years. they are cruel arent they.

take care.
Loves Apricot.
XO