Woppow

I'm very very proud of you Wop!!

Stay strong- You're doing something brilliant right now and we can all see it. We are all smiling for you!

I am proud of her too, she is going to do so well!

Hey,

Good on you for gettign help. It is not an easy journey.

Remember we are here for you.

Ha.

They said it was only a crisis admission and told me I was sweet to go home. And I cant keep working with them. I had to go coz my time was up.


Last night, I gave myself a hair cut. and then lit a fire on the baseball court. I thought it was a sign coz there was a dead plant there. and coz I found a pair of scissors. But then after I had a deep talk with my nurse she was super happy that I was talking about it in stead of lighting another fire or doing something else. But Hey I am out. - and I even said I dont want to be discharged, I want help. they said if I still feel a risk to myself in 24hours I could come back for another 48 hours. - this is why I dont try and get help

Hey, I hope you'll be ok

i hope you will be too woppow,

We do care for you - remember that!

Hmm, Tonight will be trying.

There is a way I could top myself. Its fool proof. and I am alone.
Not a good mix.

woppow,

don't do this to us, I am so selfish because I want you around!

Hmm, all that I can say is damn you bike!!!

For those who dont know. I came off my BMX bike yesterday. For the second time. First time the handle bars folded down as I went over a jump. This time I was biking home from the shops. And before I knew it I was on the ground. My bike just stopped. Nothing got caught in the wheel, it just stopped. My knee was bleeding bad. my other knee was skinned, My wrist was painfully. My hands were gazed. I was in a mess. I walk my bike home it took me 15mins! No-one I knew was able to come and pick me up.
Once I got home I started crying. there was blood over my shoes, socks. hands. 10mins later my mum comes home and takes me to my GP to make sure the cut was clean. It was. GP said she could put a few stitches in my knee, This I wasnt keen on. and she said it would heal fine.
I have to keep off it as much as I can. Not easy when all I want to do is get moving. and tiding.
I went back to the doctors today. to get it re dressed. Because I was unable to bend my knee she sent me off to get an xray. It came back fine.
But there might still be some damage. So lucky me I get Crutches!

I am over this pain. It hurts like hell. And its just

Awww, Lizzie, you poor thing. Lots of TLC and hugs to you. Judy

I am at the point where I just want to cry

crying always suffices ME!
In the stillness
I calm my internal dialoque and find that peacefullness inside.

Gradually, I extend myself (without rushing) towards doing things outside of me, in the same tone of the peace i feel inside.
Once or twice I have done this
ands amazed myself just how much love I have put into the little things about me,
and i sit and absorb that self-love an find myself glowing
as though
in love.

Have you ever been in love
woppow?

Well its been a while since I have posted here about myself, I hit rock bottom. Ended up in hospital for ten days. All the nurses there were really worried because I didnt seem to be myself. And heres what happened a week later. I just felt like I had to get it out of my mind.

Monday - 31st November night/ Tuesday - 1st December Morning
I spent the day with Saul. We had Nachos for tea. And a few drinks and played guitar hero for a while, we moved my queen size bed out of my room. At about 9pm we decided to go out, I took my long board. Saul took my BXM bike. We went to Casebrook Intermediate, Its my old school. We weren’t aware that on Sunday night the art building was lit on fire by some kids. We were sitting around a table. I went around the back to take a pee, This is where I saw a person in a bright jacket. We decided to leave. We went around the back, when leaving the school we saw Michelle (an old school mate of mine) and she was with a group of friends they were going to go in there to smoke some pot. We told them about the guard. So they left. After about 15mins we went back into the school. Kept walking around. The armourgurad female told us we had to leave or she would call for back up. We went around the bck and sat down on this seating. About 15mins later ‘Night Support” came, This was two big males. We talked for a while, Then the tallest dude tried to grab me. I smacked him in the face. The police got called. Saul was standing up to the other, Saying he would stab him. And all these threats.
We decided to leave On the way out I said to “max“ - Saul‘s fake name to ditch the knife. He didn’t have one I was just being a dick. Outside the school we lit up a smoke. And then a police dog unit showed up. I got on my bike. Started biking off. But I dropped my smokes. Went back to get them. Cop grabbed me. Then back up arrived. Then more, They went on search of this “Knife“ which we never had. I got arrested. I don’t know what for. I calmed down in the back of the car. Told them my real name. after a while Emma and Mat took me home. I didn’t want to go home. We got home My dad was pissed. Saying he didn’t want me at home. So we went to central. On the way they put on the lights. Because I was starting to kick off. At this time unaware of me at this time, Saul was taken to the local police station where his grandparents were called to come and pick him up. He was charged with suspense of having a knife. In central I was calmer. I was feeling rather sick I just thought it was fear. I ended up puking up all over Emma. It was red puke. I did what they said coz I didn’t want to end up on the restrain board - Raina. So I put on the grown but then coz I was calm they took me to the E.R where the Crisis Team is. I still don’t know why we had to go to the Crisis Team. I think its because Jake was talking to me. I don’t know. I tried leaving. Emma kept blocking me. A male nurse saw me. It was the same story with the Crisis team, Go home or have a crisis admission into hospital. I chose home. So at 2am I started walking home. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it home. I did. But on the way home I was busting to go to the toilet so on the busiest road I squatted down and took a pee. I also moved some road cones into the middle of the road. I got home at 4am. Took my meds. I was planning on getting a bat and going back to the school. But when I got home I could find my bat. So at 4.45am I went back to the school just on my bike. But I didn’t do anything. I just wanted to go back. I got home at about 5am. Went to sleep. Woke up at 11am Tuesday.

Tuesday 1st December Mid-Day - Wednesday Mid-Day, 2nd December.

I spent the day with Saul. I bussed to his place at midday. After I got news that he was getting kick out after what happened last night. Thru out the day we tried to plan where we were going to sleep We went to my old bunking park just to fill in some time.. I felt like playing cricket for some reason. So I brought a cricket set. We thought we would stir up some shit. We went back to Casebrook at about 7pm to play cricket There was heaps of cars there, We think there was like a staff meeting going on. There was an old male guard on. Me and Saul acted like we where brothers. I had this old guy calling me ‘he’ and ‘your brother’ for about 20 mins. He called for back up. We sat down on the playground. Saul told me he wanted to end his life. So I decided I had to take him to the crisis team. We decided to leave the school and catch the bus to town. But the guards kept following us. There was two of them now. As we left the school the same guy from last night came around. In his car. Me and Saul started running to an alley way. We found a house for sale so we hide up its drive way. I was thinking about it. And the cops would of likely got a dog unit. So I said to Saul we had to go and if we stayed here we could be done for being on someone front lawn, So we started to head back towards the bus stop. As we were leaving the alley way the armourgurad car went past. I thought fuck this guy, I started walking toward him swinging the bat. I thought I would teach him a lesson. As I was making a b line for him. The cop came. He took the bat off me. He was a wanker. He told me to run, he even said he would told his back. His back up came. Saul began to tell them how we wanted to get arrested so he could have a place to sleep. - DUMB ASS! I thought fuck this, I began to walk again. The female cop let me walk off of a bit, and then grabbed my arm. I lost it, before I knew it 4 cops, and me on the ground. They put me in the back of the cop car. Saul was talking to them still. Out of the blue Saul hit the cop. He was straight to the ground with the aid of now 5 cops. He got handcuffed I went over to the other door, opened it and told Saul to calm down. He got put in same cop car as me. I thought fuck this. I went into the front of the car were there was a cell which I put in my pocket. And then ate some of the chocolate which was just on the seat. I put the lights on. They turned them off. Then I thought fuck this. Jake was talking to me. I saw the keys were front seat. So I don’t know how I was able to do it. But I locked all the doors. I started kicking the window. Fuck it was funny! They couldn’t get in! But I think they have a spare key around the back somewhere. Because after 3mins they opened up the doors. After that me and Saul both calmed down. We both got taken to the local police station. Saul went in. I had to stay in the car But I had sauls meds in my bag so I was yelling at them to get him his meds. Or he will really loss it. I was starting to get wound up so I started kicking the drivers seat. At the station the male cop that arrested, took me home, and to hospital - the night before, was walking in. He stopped and talked to me. He calmed me down. By this time the other male cop came out and the female got in the back with me. And we headed off to central. I was pissed off at them. And I was getting stressed because I had no idea what was happening. Jake was yelling. So I started banging my head half way there. Then I kicked the female coz she was trying to stop me. At this point the female had a hold of me. This stressed me out more. So the lights and sirens went on. We got to central. As soon as she stopped touching me I was sweet. I sat on the ground. I even took my own shoes off. Handcuffs came off. I got told to sit down coz they didn’t know if I needed to be put on the restrain board. Or in a cell or in an interview room. Or even in the holding cells. After a while the male came back and said cell. And dtopeed a grown. Out of no where the female grabbed my arm to help me up as soon as I was up I kicked her. And she kicked me back! I had 3 lovely female cops telling me to get into this grown. I didn’t want to, I like my clothes. I sat down in the corner. Then all 3 of them came in, as they did I got into a fighting stance. They got me on the ground. I started whacking my head. They got my track pants off. Then they finally realised this wasn’t going to work. One went and got some males. Before I knew it there was 9 cops. 3 females, and 6 males. I was walking nicely down to the board. But as soon as I saw it I started fighting. But I ended up on it. About 20mins of being on the board. I got my 50mg of Quetiapine, Which calmed me down, the on duty nurse down in the cells came and talked to me, I said I really wanted to die coz I am ashamed of how I have stuffed everything up. After 45mins on the restrain board. Emily (the cop from last night) came and started talking to me. She asked if I was enjoying it. I said Loving. So she walked away. 5 minutes later she came back and asked who was the best cop. And she let me off the board. I changed into a grown. I was put in the highest risk cell, I got bored and I started to pick the paint off the wall. I didn’t get told to stop. I was planning to stay up all night. But I must of fallen asleep because I got woken up by a cop asking me if I wanted breakfast. I was just like no. this was at 6am! I must of gone back to sleep coz I woke up at about 8am. I was bored again so I went back to picking the paint off the wall. Everyone is the cells next to me were given their clothes and I think heading to court. They didn’t come and get me. I thought something was up. After everyone left the guard - jailer left. 15 or so mins later two cops came to move me to a dif cell with a cam in it! I started to pick the paint in that cell. I got told to stop after about 10mins. The cop even said “Move your hand slowly away from the wall” Like I was doing something against the law! About a hour past. I had no idea what was happening to me. I really needed a pee. I hadn’t peed since about 6pm the night before. So over 14hours and I was busting. But I cant pee if someone is watching! I wanted my morning meds. Of 50mg Quetiapine. According to all the cops I asked for my meds they all told me that the crisis team was going to come down and then I would get them. I didn’t talk to a nurse or a doc. Or anyone to see how my state of mind was. At about midday a cop came and gave me my clothes I thought thank god I am going home! And getting bail. I got changed into my clothes sooo fast it wasn’t funny! But then I had to get photo taken and finger printed. It was hard getting finger printed because the guy had to touch me. I got my bail papers. I thought I was going home. Until two cops said we will take her. I thought sweet I get a free ride home. Maybe cops aren’t that bad. I got in the car. And we started heading towards the port hills. (I live in the opposite direction) When I asked where are we going they said PMH The Youth Unit. I kind of lost it. Saying like fuck. And trying to open the door. They pulled over and got out the hand cuffs. Asked what way I was going there. I said just wait two secs. I thought about it. I was going to end up there one way or another. At least if I go willing I could leave as soon as I got there. And I would get a smoke. If I fought them I would end up in hdu. And not able to pee for another few hours. So I calmed down. The two cops were actually rather nice. One was telling me a story of earlier that morning he pulled over a bunch of teens. And then the mates warned the driver about some dog poop by the door. 5 sec later he stood in it! And all the mates laughed. All the mates were giving him shit coz he had to get back into the car and he had it ALL over his shoes. I even told them how to get to the unit. Once in the unit I meet the nurses and all patients came out to greet me and laughed when they saw I was brought in by the police coz one week earlier I got discharged. And all but one of the patients knew me. The cops left as they left one of them said I will not be happy to hear if you go walk abouts. I was in a good mood. I don’t know why. But I was fine I didn’t want to kill myself. Butt they decided I did. LOL. I told all the nurses I wasn’t a harm to myself or others. And asked if I was going home. They said nope. So I stayed the night. After 2mins of arriving in the unit, I was still talking to debs a nurse. But I really had to pee. So I told her I will talk soon and went running for the loo. It felt soo good peeing! I realised my track pants were really badly riped from the cops. During that night I got pissed off coz they wouldn’t give me my 50mg PRN. Coz it wasn’t chatted. I had a long talk with my fav nurse Helen. Filled out paper work. Then later that night I was throwing my tennis ball around outside it kept going over the fence so I kept climbing over to get it. Late that night I decided to put an egg in the microwave it went everywhere. HAHA. And smelt really bad! I was still in a good mood. I went to bed early. After having a LONG shower! The next morning I was soo cheeky just like the night before. I was calling nurses old and getting away with it. And just being a playful puppy. They were happy when I left at 1pm. LOL.

End of this chapter of my story J.

do you really enjoy causing trouble or something? I think you need to take a step back and look at what you're doing. All this...it's not something to be proud of. Being well known by the cops is not something to aim for in life. I think you need to get a grip!

Hey everyone!

I havent wrote on here for a while. I have been quite sick (mental health wise) And busy, I was helping out on a holiday programme for kids aged 9-12, I had the best time! I did that for 3 weeks.

And today marks a new start in my long story. Today I am off to "school" I put school in ''' coz Its a community college. I havent been at school for 2 years!

Hmm I gotta get ready, I just thought i would write in here in case anyone was wondering how i was coping/not.